Cesyl

My story

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Cesyl

So, I feel like I want some feedback. I don't know the comunity as well as you guys might.. Here goes nothing.

 

About a week ago Gay Pride happened here, in Amsterdam. A day of celebration, drinking, dildo's and a lot of pink. Though it's meant as a celebration of all LGBTQ+ rights, I couldn't help but feel most people where either gay, straight women or men in dresses. I felt empowered, for I do consider myself queer, but also unrecognised. This got me thinking. Why am I not open about my sexuality and do I even know my own sexuality?

Am I an asexual or more a demisexual? Am I even a hetrosexual or more a bisextual or pansexual? These questions kept coming back. So over the past week I've been questioning myself, even more than normally. So lets start at the beginning. You are warned, this is going to be a long story, get out while you still can. A story with many details, details that may not even matter all that much.

 

As a child, I grew up with a brother, we used to be inseparable especially after the divorce of my parents. We stayed at our mother's during the week and with our fether in the weekends. The holidays were halved and all other freetime too. Still, because the weekends were spend at my dad's house, most of our free time was with him. A man who grew up in Scotland and (therefor) loved the outdoors.  What you should know too is that I enherited a lot of my clothes from my brother.. A little detail I didn't care about at all, for I basicly spent all my time around men, getting dirty and camping a lot. 

Then in what is probably best described as "high school" (the Dutch schoolsystem is complicated, but has ofcourse the same social environment), I saw people have relationships, get crushes, etc. I on the other hand didn't get those feelings. So I think I enhanced everythink I felt, just to make myself feel normal. I never desired to have a first kiss, lose my virginity or (really) fancied anyone. My answer to who is your celebrity crush would be a strong person (mostly women, but some men, most of whom ended up being gay though..) I looked up to. Though they did change a lot, like most other celebrity crushes, it always felt like a fake answer. I wanted to meet them, yes, but I never saw myself having their children or whatever!

I always thought 'women' where prettier than 'men'. So fr a long time in high school I thought I was gay. But then again, I had more meaningful relationships with men and developped a crush(?) on a guy.

Now I'm 20 years old. I still haven't had a first kiss or lost my virginity, though I have found I think I'd enjoy it.. I think I might have had a crush. (After all the doubting how can I know for sure?) But I crave a relationship.

So I went on a date (with a guy). It was nice. We did click, we had nice talks. But there was nothing physical about it. No kiss good bye. No holding hands. No "butterflies in my belly". Just a good time.

 

So after this story, does anyone recognize this? Do you have tips for breaking the ice? Should I just kiss him, get it over with? Should I wait? What does that experience even mean?

Any advice would be helpful. Thanks allready. 

 

Xxx

Cesyl 

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Bird!bird!

Hii,

First of all, welcome to AVEN. Hace a cake! :cake:

 

Now, I find a lot of similarities in your story with mine. I tend to believe that you should do whatever your heart wants you to do. I  can't really give any advice but if you want to talk or share more about your experience or so, feel free to text/ PM me. 

 

Have fun.

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Laplace

Welcome 👋🙂. As a likely aro ace with no romantic/sexual experience, I don’t have any anecdotal advice, but I can try to give my 2 cents just based on my own logic.

 

First of all, don’t rush to experience something  if you aren’t sure you want it. Your uncertainty will just make you anxious and probably sour the experience anyway. I seen quite a few posts where people have experimented even though they weren’t actively interested in a given romantic/sexual act but regret doing it or didn’t end up liking what they did.

 

But, if you really think you want a kiss or something, I’d just ask. It sounds really straightforward and kinda unromantic but it’s the best way to convey your desires without making it extremely awkward if you misjudge something if you just kiss him on a whim.

 

Overall, it’s hard but trusting your feelings is the best way to decide what you want.

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Noko42

Welcome 😸images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRc1_c8naAHihTq_4A5UB0

 

I think @Confusedbird hit the nail on the head. This is a very supportive community and where all here to help

 

Loading vertical hug 🤗 

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MichaelTannock

@Cesyl Welcome to AVEN!

 

I don't know what you should do, but it sounds like you're an A-sensual Homo-aesthetic Hetero-romantic Asexual.

There are different types of attraction, you might find this often posted image helpful as it describes some of them,

zlo2z.jpg

10.jpg

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Cesyl

Hey again,

 

Thank you so much for your comments! I've been thinking about it a lot. Though I don't yet know who/what I am, I find it really comforting to know there are people who don't find this a weird story/can relate.

As I said, I'm still on my journey. And after researching I understand Ace-people never really leave that journey,  so I'm getting comfortable on the ride. It's like a crazy and confusing traincarrage on a train you can never leave. Yet somehow the walls are talking to me and provide comfort. So thank you for providing the voices.

 

Xxx Cesyl

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