Angelscryhavoc

Unsure of where to start but a lot of questions.

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Angelscryhavoc

I am not sure where to begin so I am going to work from where I am at this point. I have been with someone for about 20 years. It wasn't until recently that I even heard or thought that I might be Asexual. Much less sure about what my label in Asexuality really is. Unfortunately there have been times I have stated that " If I never had sex again with anyone I'd be fine. " This I realize has hurt my husband of our long term relationship. It was out of frustration trying to explain who I am that I stated this and I could have delivered this much better and with more careful thought in how I am. I feel this may have caused some of the issues.

 

It has been pointed out that I do not put the effort towards him that he gets from others that may be sexually interested and when I feel that our relationship , connection or otherwise is in jeopardy I flip out or become jealous. That it seems I'm more reactionary that involved. I love the idea of him but not him. Which breaks my heart. I am not certain how to explain myself to him to help him understand that I do think he is beautiful , sexy and smart but that sex just isn't really  the focus. I find when we are having sex that my mind wanders and I end up ruining the mood sometimes by talking about other things or becoming distracted within my own mind.

 

Our relationship was open a few years back but ended up being closed when it was clear and could be felt that  our connection was disappearing and in that time I think he was hurt more I have looked at myself and realized that it was possibly the wrong thing as there are things he needs that perhaps I can not give and have stated to him I realized the error in this decision and that if this is what needs to happen for our life to be good for us to connect on a deeper level then I am willing to get a good grip on myself and work my butt off to help. At this point I am more worried that our relationship is beyond repair and I am at a loss.

 

How do I explain or help him understand that type of Asexual I am?

 

How do I know or understand the type of Asexual I am?

 

Would an Open relationship work?

 

How much have I already failed at conveying all of this?

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MichaelTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

This book helps in explaining Asexuality, http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/

 

As for the type of Asexual you are, there are different types of attraction, so that's a good starting point for explaining.

This often posted image explains some of them,

zlo2z.jpg

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biblios

Tbh this might be the kind of thing a couples therapist could help you with. Even if you don't go to a therapist, it sounds like step one is just to talk to your partner, a lot, especially about what he wants & needs from the relationship and to what extent he really understands your asexuality. Good luck!

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havenseeker

uh, communicate more? since you don't feel what he does and he doesn't feel what you do, it'll probably be difficult and frustrating af trying to get him to understand and vice versa. however, you guys stuck by each other for 20 yrs. there must be smth holding you two together. but if the worst happens and things end up not working out... well, you can either wallow in your misery or move on. Whatever happens, hopefully, you will be happy in the end. 

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Angelscryhavoc

Thank you all very much, it has been very helpful and directed in the right course of action. We have spoke and are moving forward with even going to a therapist as well. Thank you all again very very much.

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