Asexual partner who roleplays

[Bviscuit]

Hi! I just recently joined the forums and thought I'd first post about a question that's been on my mind. I've been with my incredible asexual girlfriend for six months. She's sex-repulsed and I have a low libido — sex has never been part of our relationship and I don't care if it ever will be. We have wonderful and open conversations about each others' needs and boundaries and expressing intimacy in different ways and I feel very secure.

 

One thing I do find myself thinking about, but not necessarily upset about, is that she's an avid roleplayer primarily with her best friend in real life. I used to roleplay often but don't really anymore so I'm no stranger to the cowriting a story mentality. I know that she roleplays smut/sex and gets excited about her characters banging. Of course it's all fictional and I don't think I'm jealous because it doesn't elicit an emotional reaction from me, but I find myself pondering about it more than I do other things. I think maybe it's because the person she's roleplaying with is hypersexual, and the idea of one or both of them getting aroused at it makes me dwell on it. Ideally I'd talk about it with my therapist but I'm worried that she doesn't understand rp culture and would think my gf is cybering with people which isn't the case at all. Usually my gf and I talk about things openly, but this is such a cherished hobby of hers that I don't want her to feel guilty about it, especially since I'm not sure if I even care.

 

I guess I was just looking for other people's thoughts and input! If you're in a relationship with no sex and your partner rps smut with others, how do you feel about it? If you're a rping asexual, do you view rping as just akin to writing a story with no actual feelings involved?

[AcornCarvings]

I rp some and I'm ace. I wouldn't say that there are no feelings involved, but there definitely is a detachment when it comes to fantasy that isn't there in real life. I'm in a romanticish relationship, and I don't really want her in my business when it comes to fantasy stuff.

 

Do you think rping would be something you'd enjoy doing with her?

[Bviscuit]

@AcornCarvings Thanks so much for your reply, I'm really happy to have your perspective. Yeah when I rp'd smut, it definitely wasn't emotionally void — what would be the point otherwise haha. She's very open with it about me but yeah at the same time this is her hobby with her friend and I don't want to stick my nose into it.

 

We've talked about it a little but it's never taken off! I wasn't sure if she'd feel weird rping smut with me? Maybe that's a silly question.

[AcornCarvings]

I personally wouldn't want to rp with my friend I am romantic with, not because of how I feel about her but because for me the pressure that I feel from the norms about being in a romantic relationship really pushes towards sexual stuff, and I don't want that. But that's just me being weird 

[Grimalkin]

Hey, I'm an avid RPer myself! I don't personally RP smut (much), but I can see where she's coming from. It's probably a branch of autochorissexuality. It's like... I can experience secondhand sexual desire through characters that are not me. I never feel sexual attraction to anybody real, and I never want my body involved in sexual things, but I can occasionally experience arousal by visualizing a character that is not me in a sensual setting with another character.

 

It's hard to explain. Whereas allosexual people may self-insert for the purposes of smutty RP, I want exactly the opposite. I don't want to be personally involved in any way, but through an odd voyeur-like aspect I can enjoy myself with the characters I create. And I'm not attracted to the characters, either, but sort of... empathizing with their sexual attraction. It's odd.

 

All this aside however, it's perfectly reasonable to be put off by this scenario. I can see how it wouldn't be an allosexual partner's cup of tea, because it could feel like she's only sexual for other people. This probably isn't the case- as I said, it's a very detached sort of excitement- but you're allowed to have your own preferences and boundaries.

 

If it helps, though, it's more like reading erotica than cybering. Because she's not directly sexing it up with the person on the other side of the screen, but rather creating a story (usually with intricate backstory and details and other things that happen besides smut) in partnership with someone else. And because it's like reading erotica (for me personally, at least), if I RP something very exciting, that secondhand sexual energy often gets me energized enough to have sex with my partner. So that's something to consider.

 

But if you find that you're just too uncomfortable with it, have a good long talk about it with her. RPers do need to remember that real life comes first, and she should at least try to see where you're coming from. Remember, both of your preferences are perfectly valid and deserve to be heard.

 

Addendum: She would probably RP smut with you, but it would be between your characters, not between the pair of you. Like if you two just had some Barbies who were going at it or something. Also she would probably want to establish who your characters were first, and developing a relationship between the two of them, rather than just jumping in. It's a whole world of story-telling.

[smallnsparky]

I've been RPing for 17 years, and am ace - and amusingly, me and a very good friend just decided to start a ship of two of our D&D characters, based on an amusing tangent from our DM (who happens to be my friend's long term boyfriend). We're not actually going to roleplay them having sex (though I have roleplayed sex on forum RPs in the distant past) but we laugh about it, mention it, and the two are close (the ship comes from backstory we have given them where they were together briefly in their pasts). I'm not getting any gratification out of it, neither is my friend, it's all in the name of fun and character choices. For me, it's not about the sex my character is having, but how she feels about the other character, and how he feels about her. 

 

My D&D group know I'm ace as well, to add, and my DM will roll with the ship, if only to do something horrible to one or both of our characters, to mentally destroy them. And again, it's his fault this all started XD (long story).

 

Ultimately. this sort of thing boils down to the separation of character and player. *Some* people on the internet, or real life, are not very good at separating themselves from who they play, while others (like myself) see a character as a role, a mas, aka someone not them. I've played straight, gay, bi, genderfluid, ace RP characters in the past, and I've played ships that had sex, or inferred sex, or played characters for -years- without a single ship at all. Sex isn't important in RP for me, it's just an occasional piece of my character.

[Bviscuit]

@Grimalkin Thank you so much for this, it's really great to hear it from an asexual person's perspective! That's what I was assuming, that it was more detached and like reading erotica. I have no insecurity about her getting turned on by erotica or porn or anything, and I know she doesn't have any sexual attraction to her friend so that should only confirm it. I'm sure I could also ask her, but sometimes it's hard for me to breach the conversation without sounding judgmental, like being like "Could you explain more of x" feels like it's putting her and her sexuality under a microscope. Yeah we create characters and things (we both love D&D) but we've never rp'd them! Maybe I could be upfront about how this isn't meant to be a sexual part of our relationship or something.

 

@smallnsparky Thanks for replying, it helped me realize that it is primarily the sex that keeps coming back to me. Like we both ship characters and whatnot and her writing romance with other people doesn't make me feel weird, so I think I just need to get my head around the smut being similarly fantasy and detached.

[Alejandrogynous]

I've been Rping for about 15 years and I've done plenty of sex/smut Rp with my characters. For one of my longest running OCs, sex is a huge part of how he communicates so I've played probably more sex scenes than I can even remember. It's the character, though, not me, and it's always for the sake of plot/story/development/relationships/etc. I can get, er, enjoyment out of it at times, but even so, I very rarely seek out sex Rp for that purpose.

 

2 hours ago, Bviscuit said:

I'm worried that she doesn't understand rp culture and would think my gf is cybering with people which isn't the case at all.

This is such an important distinction, it's good you're already aware of it. Rping sex is fine and even fun sometimes, but cybering gives me the same nope feelings as IRL sex does.

 

41 minutes ago, Bviscuit said:

That's what I was assuming, that it was more detached and like reading erotica.

Pretty much this, yep! 

[uhtred]

As a long time role-player, I know that people often play behaviors / personalities that are very different from their own. 

[smallnsparky]

@BviscuitThat makes sense, really it does. And I appreciate it must seem a little odd that we RP smut and sex, but like I said in my other post, I've played characters that don't match my personal alignment. I've also got RP friends who I've played out a half dozen ships, and RP friends where I haven't played a single ship with. Then I have one of my BFF RP friends, where I've played ships with him, but we've also played like, half a dozen characters who were siblings (he's an allo gay male btw). We might be plotting out a weird scene one moment, then giggling like children over a GIF of a cat or something. 

 

But, again, I feel you. I hope we've helped, and if you have any more questions please feel free to ask away. 

[ryn2]

I cowrite smut extensively with a good friend.  It’s very similar to RP but not exactly the same as we alternate by episode/chapter rather than writing a specific character all the way through.  She and I are both grey-ace somewhere, and heteroromantic - while we can and do talk openly about anything, there is exactly zero sexual energy between us.  It’s all between the characters, and it’s exactly like any other reading/writing erotica (except more creativity!).

 

I can see why it might seem weird from the outside, though, especially because we are such good friends and hide pretty much nothing from one another.