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(A)Romanticism- Emotion or Perspective?


Anony-moose

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Anony-moose

So I've been thinking, one thing that is very commonly said is that romantics feel romantic love for others, which is an intense feeling of love and care for another, whilst aromantics don't feel romantic love but feel platonic love, which can also use the same previously used description of love. So yeah we all love, but in different ways. And how different is romantic love from platonic love? And are aromantic people not feeling a specific type of emotional state (or just overall emotion, whatever you want to call it) that romantic people feel?

 

I've come to the conclusion that aromantics and romantics don't love that much differently, same thing with attraction, and that the main difference is really just the perspective and understanding that people have towards their feelings and their relationships with others.

 

So for instance, an aromantic and a romantic really love and care for someone, at similar intensities. But the difference is that the romantic person wants to have a romantic relationship with them- for status, for sharing those romantic experiences and activities with them (dates, sharing space and relying a bit more heavily on a person (or persons if polamourous) etc. Meanwhile an aromantic wants to have a platonic relationship with them- either because they find romantic relationships to be too much effort/time consuming/personally pointless, because they don't seek an exclusive relationship, or they aren't particular about romantic activities, whatever reasons one might personally have.

It's something that is very specific to each individual and any type of relationship can be difficult to generalise and have a description be representative of all relationships of a sort.

 

TL;DR: Being aromantic might not be about the absence of an emotion, but rather of a perspective. Thoughts?

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Anony-moose

Personally, I've always had the "just floating through time and space, come whatever comes my way"/"if it happens sure if not, that's fine". So I find that that is one of the ways I can explain where my aromanticism comes from (although I do get very confused about it sometimes. Not sure if to say I'm aro for life but I'm aro for now and have been my whole life)

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The thing is, I don't 100% know what romantic love is since I've never felt it.

 

But I think your idea is interesting! We all experience love differently so one person's friendship may be another person's relationship.

 

Though there are a few things defined as almost entirely romantic, like

-The desire to have someone be "yours" or "belong" to you

-The desire to express this physically like holding hands with, hugging the person and kissing the top of their head, etc.

-The concept of having "something special" together. Don't get me wrong, friendship can special, with devotion, appreciation, things you do with only that friend, but I don't think of even my bestest besties like, "We have a magic love spark together"

I haven't ever experienced that though, I'm only observing what I see with others.

So I can't say and it makes sense if someone yells at me for "speaking for experiences I haven't had"

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Yeah, I can resonate with this. I have a QPP and we are best friends for life. Thankfully she thinks stuff like Valentine's day (mandatory romanticism day) is stupid. I like her, a lot. She is the person with whom I enjoy sharing personal space. However, I have other soulmates about whom I also feel very strongly. I enjoy a strong spiritual, platonic intimacy with these chosen family members. I am not a hug person, but these individuals are on my hug list. I tend to define my relationships by behavior frameworks versus feelings. I really do love my partner and my closest friends in a meaningful way.

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AcornCarvings
54 minutes ago, Anony-moose said:

And how different is romantic love from platonic love?

I just don't even try to differentiate them :D

 

24 minutes ago, StormySky said:

Though there are a few things defined as almost entirely romantic, like

-The desire to have someone be "yours" or "belong" to you

-The desire to express this physically like holding hands with, hugging the person and kissing the top of their head, etc.

-The concept of having "something special" together. Don't get me wrong, friendship can special, with devotion, appreciation, things you do with only that friend, but I don't think of even my bestest besties like, "We have a magic love spark together"

idk if I'd call these entirely romantic. I find the emotions for me that feel more on the romantic side of things aren't at all possessive, and lots of people are poly and don't want their romantic people to "belong" to them. As for physical touch, I am super touchy with some people who I don't see at all in a romantic way. And I feel like my relationships with close friends, even ones who I don't feel at all romantic towards, have some "spark" that feels really unique and wonderful.

 

14 minutes ago, JMichael said:

I tend to define my relationships by behavior frameworks versus feelings.

huh, I like that idea ^_^

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4 minutes ago, AcornCarvings said:

huh, I like that idea ^_^

Thanks! I find that a lot of this stuff is boundaries and consent related. Like, I would share a love seat and rest my head on the shoulder of my amazing friend who is a brilliant philosopher and listen to them expound on the great mysteries. I would also share a love seat with my QPP and get close. I would only share a sleeping space with my QPP.  

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AcornCarvings
Just now, JMichael said:

boundaries and consent related

yessssssssss I love consent 💙

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Anthracite_Impreza

I just think the difference between romance and platonic-mance(??) is the initial stage of limerence - the obsessiveness and intensity you see in new couples. I can't actually find any other differences.

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Galactic Turtle

I'm never sure if aromanticism is more practically defined by internal feeling or external behavior. When trying to imagine myself with a partner/romantic relationship, from the outside I imagine it looking remarkably like friendship. We might live together at some point but at other points we might not depending on what's happening with our lives. I don't desire things like physical contact or constant companionship. I just like to have people out there in the world somewhere who I can share my life with. Usually when someone says that they're talking about a romantic partner, but for me that's asking my friends how their day was or meeting up after months of not seeing each other just to relax. The nature of the relationships I seek are inherently definitely not romantic. The closest thing I've ever had to a crush was identical with the added nervousness of me knowing this person liked me romantically because I didn't know how to navigate that. Turns out the best way to navigate that is to reject them entirely. XD

 

So maybe even if I did like someone romantically, the way I showcase that wouldn't count enough to really be anything with anyone aside from friendship which is preferable to me because the nature and expectations of friendship are in line with what I desire. 

 

EDIT: Though I also assume that if I did feel romantically for someone I would experience sadness if the feelings were not returned even if the nature of the relationship was indistinguishable from my other friendships. 

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