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Question for Sexual in a relationship with an Ace


Bezoyo

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One of the other posters just tells the kids it’s [hobby] night, which isn’t even a lie because they do the hobby before they have sex.

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Chlldren don't need and are probably not interested in having stories given to them.  They simply can be told that one parent has something to do on certain nights away from home.  

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  • 4 weeks later...

My advice is to have a conversation and clearly decide your sexual boundaries together. Then intimacy lies within those set boundaries - whether it be cuddling, holding hands, kissing, etc. - stick only to the acts you’ve agreed on, and if you’re ever unsure just ask “is this ok?”

If they say no then stop right away.

 

Sometimes you will kiss them on the neck or do something intimate, and they may seem uninterested or disengaged - That’s ok, remember that they still love you and it’s ok for you to check too if they’re enjoying this or if they want you to stop. Sometimes there may be an occasion where you see them become turned on, and in seeing the person you love come alive like that you can feel turned on too, and you may want to go further than your set limit in that moment. Just ask them. “Do you want to try something new tonight? What do you think about [x]?” - and be really clear with your intentions, and if they say no in that moment then you have to back off, and that’s just how it is. It doesn’t matter how much you’d like to go further in that moment - no means no. Be patient, accept, and love. You can always masturbate later if you feel really frustrated or unfulfilled sexually. I don’t mean that to sound dismissive either - masturbating really helps. 

It’s so important that your partner can trust you and doesnt feel pressured or judged for asserting their limits. They need to know that they can say no and you’ll respect it. 

 

The conversation about setting limits can be redone as many times as you both like, as your relationship progresses it may also change your limits, or they may stay the same as time passes. It’s important to keep up to date on what you both want intimately, so that things are clear and you don’t feel frustrated and they don’t feel pressured by mixed expectations.

 

If you feel unhappy with their set limit, and they’ve told you this is as far as they’ll go, ask yourself if you can live with that. If you can’t, then it’s important to consider whether this is the right person for you. Because this is their sexual orientation, not their choice. It’s not the same as an allosexual who “isn’t ready yet” or “needs time before they eventually come around” - if this is as far as an asexual says they’ll go, that’s it. They’re not going to change their mind later, because it’s not a decision, it’s a fact. It’s their natural limit and part of who they are. And it’s important to know that’s perfectly ok. They are perfect the way they are, and if things don’t work out because of sexual incompatibility, that’s ok too. It’s just a natural part of dating anybody, of any sexuality - see if things work between two people, and if not, you keep dating till you find your match, and so do they.

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  • 5 months later...
On 8/8/2018 at 6:33 PM, Bezoyo said:

Hey, i'm kind of back. Kinda.

So, as i was busy, i continued to have all my thoughts on everything, as always.

I realized a hypothesis, that i'd like other sexuals to discuss with me.

It look to me there is 2 kind of sexuals.

- Those who need sex to feel intimacy.

- Those who don't need sex to feel intimacy.

 

I read quite a few people here in the first category, though some go trough with the "power of love", sadly not without paying a price.

I would like to know more, to understand, how you can cope(not sure it's the right word) with it.

 

The second category seem scarcer, or maybe it's just a impression. And i would like to know more how you find intimacy with your SO(Significant Other).

For me, emotional, romantic intimacy leads to wanting sex to deepen said intimacy. More like a self-sustaining cycle. Platonic/Aesthetic attraction (they can trade places sometimes) -> Sensual attraction -> Emotional attraction -> Romantic attraction -> Sexual attraction. Of course, this could be different for others.

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