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Question for Sexual in a relationship with an Ace


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On 8/9/2018 at 1:27 PM, Telecaster68 said:

People seldom stick neatly in categories, even if they fit at one time or another (and they don't, often). Trying to understand the world as though they do, doesn't work. 

I agree with Tele here – it looks like an oversimplification. If we can live without sex or can find other ways of expressing intimacy, it doesn’t mean we don’t need sex – or that sex isn’t the most convenient way to express intimacy. I sometimes use the metaphor of losing a limb – if a person without a leg or an arm still manages to have a full, happy life – does it mean they didn’t need that limb to start with?

So, I’d say we also need to factor in how well people handle loss.

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On 8/12/2018 at 10:09 AM, anisotropic said:

I think you may be a bit quick to dismiss.

 

Having sex without feeling condescended to isn't exactly the same as needing someone that desires you. If that's what your issue is, can you confront that?

 

It doesn't feel like condescension when my partner allows me to engage in dom behavior. This is one way I've adapted. It is ground I tread carefully, but it works very well for me.

 

I still suggest you discuss your unhappiness more with your partner, and when you do that, give a really hard look at whether you can adapt to finding satisfaction in sex with them. You could commit to trying your damnedest to achieve that – and you can look into getting a therapist for yourself or both of you, to help you navigate that – while also asking about an open relationship.

Someone pretending to be into you is, in my opinion, both a lack of desire and condescending. It’s lovely that she tries to make me feel good like that, but it’s counterproductive.

 

I’ve been trying to talk about my unhappiness, but it is so hard to be forthright with my feelings when I know they’ll hurt hers. I told her about how much our lack of a sex life affects me and this lead to some tears and a reminder that it’s something she’s been trying to work at. It makes me feel awful that the fact that she has to try is the problem, but that she wants to make it work so she is trying. She simply doesn’t understand the need to be carnally wanted. We’re planning on doing some counseling. I really want to ask about opening the relationship, but I am afraid. I am also afraid that the temptation of finding someone who really wants me will be too much for me to resist. That may sound pathetic, but it’s a desire that keeps me up at night and makes my skin crawl.

On 8/12/2018 at 10:27 AM, ryn2 said:

 

These are two pairs of things where both can’t really be 100% true.  Either the last thing you want is to part, or (that’s the second-to-last thing, and the actual last thing is) to live a sexless life.  Either the relationship is the most important thing in your life, or meeting your need for the right sort of sex is.

 

It’s important to know which is which because any solution will likely involve - to some degree - choosing between them.

 

Even if you don’t feel comfortable discussing the whole thing with your wife presently, you need to sort this part out for yourself as it will inform your subsequent choices.  

Ryn2, you are spot on. I human thinking may have lead to an understanding of logic, but that logic does not always inform our feelings. We can feel things in ways that are totally contradictory, counter factual, and counter productive. I guess it’s then up to our minds to decide what to do with those feelings. 

 

As for for which I want more, I don’t know. There’s the part of me that wants to do what seems to be the right thing and avoid causing pain to my wife, to conform to societal expectations and norms, to preserve my reputation, and to stay true to the persona I maintain with family. Then there’s the part of me that wants me to be true to myself and my needs. The part that thinks suppressing those needs will inevitably lead to worse problems down the road. 

 

Both sides of me are in conflict, and both paths will lead to regret in some way. 

 

I wish I could split myself and split the universe. 

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34 minutes ago, ChainReact said:

We’re planning on doing some counseling.

Hopefully this makes the conversations themselves easier.

 

35 minutes ago, ChainReact said:

I am also afraid that the temptation of finding someone who really wants me will be too much for me to resist.

This, too, is a choice.  There is no one right answer for everyone but don’t lose sight of how you’re actively choosing this path if you do indeed take it.

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1 hour ago, ChainReact said:

As for for which I want more, I don’t know. There’s the part of me that wants to do what seems to be the right thing and avoid causing pain to my wife, to conform to societal expectations and norms, to preserve my reputation, and to stay true to the persona I maintain with family. Then there’s the part of me that wants me to be true to myself and my needs. The part that thinks suppressing those needs will inevitably lead to worse problems down the road. 

 

Both sides of me are in conflict, and both paths will lead to regret in some way. 

Man do I GET this... all of what you said actually. I'm so tired of the constant conflict inside my own skin. My husband and I are on an upward trend at the moment, but I shared with him last night that the same way he is terrified of losing me, I am terrified he'll lose the interest he's been showing me lately. I guess I take solace knowing we're both *currently* doing all we can to find our common ground. But yeah, what you've said here resonates a lot.

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46 minutes ago, InProgress said:

Man do I GET this... all of what you said actually. I'm so tired of the constant conflict inside my own skin. My husband and I are on an upward trend at the moment, but I shared with him last night that the same way he is terrified of losing me, I am terrified he'll lose the interest he's been showing me lately. I guess I take solace knowing we're both *currently* doing all we can to find our common ground. But yeah, what you've said here resonates a lot.

It relieves me greatly to know that I’m not the only one who feels like this. It’s hard to know if the things happening in your head are normal or even sane when they’re things people just don’t talk about.

 

I’m glad you’re on an upward trend and I hope it continues for you. My wife is going to try to improve our sex life, but my big problem is that she’s just doing it for me. It just isn’t the same. I’ve explained this to her, but we agree that there really isn’t much beyond that she can do. I’ve told her I will try to just be accepting. I guess we’ll see how it goes.

 

I still really want to discuss opening our marriage, but I’m still too nervous to broach the topic, especially if she’s putting forth extra effort. 

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4 minutes ago, ChainReact said:

I still really want to discuss opening our marriage, but I’m still too nervous to broach the topic, especially if she’s putting forth extra effort. 

If she ultimately gets the sense that all this putting herself outside her comfort zone wasn’t so much to improve/save the relationship as it was to let you reassure yourself that her best is not enough and that you’re justified in going outside the relationship for sex, she’s probably not going to receive that better than she would a two-way discussion upfront.

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8 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

If she ultimately gets the sense that all this putting herself outside her comfort zone wasn’t so much to improve/save the relationship as it was to let you reassure yourself that her best is not enough and that you’re justified in going outside the relationship for sex, she’s probably not going to receive that better than she would a two-way discussion upfront.

You’re insights are very helpful. I just need to work up more gumption to bring the conversation there. 

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anisotrophic
5 hours ago, ChainReact said:

Someone pretending to be into you is, in my opinion, both a lack of desire and condescending.

Yeah, my partner doesn't pretend for me – I think it is better, even if it seems harsh.

 

5 hours ago, ChainReact said:

this lead to some tears and a reminder that it’s something she’s been trying to work at. It makes me feel awful that the fact that she has to try is the problem, but that she wants to make it work so she is trying. She simply doesn’t understand the need to be carnally wanted.

Well... that's the crux of it? It's unclear to me if you're asking her to try to desire you – or she's trying to do that – but if a partner is ace(ish), this doesn't seem productive. (And may feel like their orientation isn't truly accepted?) Anything you try has to be ... literally anything else? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I think everything @ryn2 says tends to be pretty solid. :)


To be fair, asking about "open" does seem to have to be part of giving something to get something? More acceptance? Trying on your own end? I don't know. A therapist is good because they'll help you find blindspots. If @ryn2 happens to be busy. ;)

 

Aces are, in effect, colorblind people being told that "red" and "green" are vividly different colors... they don't have the same experience of the world, and your intuitions about each other may be way off.

And yeah. It's really painful to not be desired. It probably contributed to my gender identity falling apart.

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“Open” normally implies, to @anisotropic‘s post above, a mutual acceptance that both partners may need to go outside the primary relationship to get some need met.  While - if she’s truly ace - this may not mean your wife taking on a secondary sexual partner, she may want to seek another partner for other reasons...

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12 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

Yeah, my partner doesn't pretend for me – I think it is better, even if it seems harsh.

 

Well... that's the crux of it? It's unclear to me if you're asking her to try to desire you – or she's trying to do that – but if a partner is ace(ish), this doesn't seem productive. (And may feel like their orientation isn't truly accepted?) Anything you try has to be ... literally anything else? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I think everything @ryn2 says tends to be pretty solid. :)


To be fair, asking about "open" does seem to have to be part of giving something to get something? More acceptance? Trying on your own end? I don't know. A therapist is good because they'll help you find blindspots. If @ryn2 happens to be busy. ;)

 

Aces are, in effect, colorblind people being told that "red" and "green" are vividly different colors... they don't have the same experience of the world, and your intuitions about each other may be way off.

And yeah. It's really painful to not be desired. It probably contributed to my gender identity falling apart.

I haven’t asked her for anything at this point. I’ve just stopped suffering in silence (not that I’ve never brought it up before, but I’ve always shut down very quickly when I could see it was upsetting her. She isn’t entirely sure that it’s an orientation thing, so she is going to try to be more into sex. Obviously, I can’t just say what someone else’s identity is if it’s in flux for them, but I’d be surprised if it turned out that she was fully allosexual and had a sexual awakening of some kind. But I’ve been surprised by many things. 

 

I think you’re very right about the colorblind thing. Just a little bit ago, she was saying that she didn’t think it was uncommon for married couples to go more than a year without sex. I said I didn’t see how people could survive that. She got upset that I was dismissive of what she was saying, so to her it must have seemed perfectly reasonable whereas to me it sounded absurd. 

2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

“Open” normally implies, to @anisotropic‘s post above, a mutual acceptance that both partners may need to go outside the primary relationship to get some need met.  While - if she’s truly ace - this may not mean your wife taking on a secondary sexual partner, she may want to seek another partner for other reasons...

And I would be more than happy to let her explore in any way she wants. I’ve always been that way and told her as much years ago when she was talking about a crush she had developed while we were married. As long as she comes home to me, I want her to do what makes her happy. And if she didn’t come back, I doubt my disapproval would have made much of a difference anyway. I think it’d be better to have her happy, with or without me, than unhappy with me.

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anisotrophic
On 8/13/2018 at 1:43 PM, ryn2 said:

“Open” normally implies, to @anisotropic‘s post above, a mutual acceptance that both partners may need to go outside the primary relationship to get some need met.  While - if she’s truly ace - this may not mean your wife taking on a secondary sexual partner, she may want to seek another partner for other reasons...

 

On 8/13/2018 at 2:18 PM, ChainReact said:

And I would be more than happy to let her explore in any way she wants. I’ve always been that way and told her as much years ago when she was talking about a crush she had developed while we were married.

Well... although that bidirectionality is a common tactic for fairness, I think I'd also observe the difference between literal equality and equal consideration. That is, when something is literally equal treatment, it doesn't necessarily impact people the same way.

So... an optimal balance in what's given & received may be different from a literal equality, contextual to how people are affected by it.

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@anisotropic, interesting point about equality, although I don’t know how important eqaulity is in this situation. I the fact is that I’m distressed, and eventually something will have to give. I think “distraught” is the word I’ve been looking for to sum up what’s happening with my brain. I feel distraught and I’ve been suffering in silence for years and I’ve reached my psychological limit. 

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On 8/11/2018 at 4:34 PM, ChainReact said:

The question is: will my wife ever trust me to watch my show with someone else and still come home for dinner? Will I need to secretly watch the show with someone else? Or will I have to completely leave her behind to actually enjoy the show. 

I would not recommend option 2 to anyone, ever. No matter the reason. Cheating poisons relationships. You will have had a fix for your hard on and damaged fifty other things in the process. And this is without getting into the dishonesty of it. Simply not worth it, even though avoiding difficult choices seems tempting. The bypass may seem easier in the short run, but I don't know anyone whose relationship has benifitted from cheating long term.

 

It may be better to discuss honestly and take it from there. Your needs matter and if they aren't being met, you have a right to bring it up and explore possible solutions. If she cannot accept that, it may be better to separate and then honestly pursue a new relationship.

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2 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

I would not recommend option 2 to anyone, ever. No matter the reason. Cheating poisons relationships. You will have had a fix for your hard on and damaged fifty other things in the process. And this is without getting into the dishonesty of it. Simply not worth it, even though avoiding difficult choices seems tempting. The bypass may seem easier in the short run, but I don't know anyone whose relationship has benifitted from cheating long term.

 

It may be better to discuss honestly and take it from there. Your needs matter and if they aren't being met, you have a right to bring it up and explore possible solutions. If she cannot accept that, it may be better to separate and then honestly pursue a new relationship.

I know that you’re right, and I don’t think that I have it in me to go that route, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes think about it and that I’m not extremely tempted if the opportunity presents itself. Really, the possibility that an affair could in theory go on without being discovered and allow the illusion of a totally happy home life is what makes it sound appealing in some sense. But I know myself too well and I would feel far to awful to keep the secret and it would just be incredibly damaging. 

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4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

So does refusing to address one partner's misery. 

 

It's about more than a fix for a hard on, and those other things were already damaged. Infidelity has just made the ace fully appreciate they're damaged. 

I agree that it’s about more than a fix for a hard on, but I think it’s very unfair to refer to an asexual as “damaged”. The relationship may be damaged, but there is nothing inherently wrong with my partner’s sexuality. It just isn’t compatible with mine. 

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2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

So does refusing to address one partner's misery. 

No one is disputing that, but having already had one spoon of poison still doesn't make the second spoon a bright idea.

2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's about more than a fix for a hard on, and those other things were already damaged. Infidelity has just made the ace fully appreciate they're damaged. 

There is research on infidelity that shows that it benifits no one. Not the person getting cheated on, not the person doing the cheating and not the person the cheater cheats with. I'm not moralizing here, that is not my style. If you could be selfish and make it work, I'd say that. But to the best of my knowledge, cheating doesn't do anything useful long term unless of course all the relationships in question are merely facades.

 

There is also research that the cheating couple end up together long term in a very small % of the relationships (I don't have the data on hand here and am too lazy, but it was close to 10%). Chances are better if the cheating happens with an ex-lover than a new partner, but still not very high. So even if the original relationship broke up and went away completely, the chances of the cheating relationship succeeding in any fashion are low and long term secrets too are stressful. In the end, it causes a lot of pain and regrets and shame. Particularly so for the person doing the cheating, because they end up also shouldering the guilt of the pain of the other two.

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@Telecaster68, and as for not addressing a partner’s misery, I agree that it’s a problem. However, the blame does not rest squarely on my wife’s shoulders. I grew up in a pretty conservative Midwestern home, so I know a thing or two about keeping your unhappiness to yourself if you think it will make others uncomfortable. 

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8 minutes ago, ChainReact said:

I know that you’re right, and I don’t think that I have it in me to go that route, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes think about it and that I’m not extremely tempted if the opportunity presents itself. Really, the possibility that an affair could in theory go on without being discovered and allow the illusion of a totally happy home life is what makes it sound appealing in some sense. But I know myself too well and I would feel far to awful to keep the secret and it would just be incredibly damaging. 

What ifs are really tempting. I agree. I am poly, though not seeking a partner and at least twice a week I contemplate having a new partner for sex. I even tried dating, but interacting with so many people irritated me and I stopped. I am simply not in a phase of life or frame of mind to add yet another relationship to the complexity of those I already have. That doesn't stop me from day dreaming. lol. Doesn't help that my ace is totally supportive. So it seems like a bright new feasible idea till I think it through and drop it. Over and over. lol.

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3 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

No one is disputing that, but having already had one spoon of poison still doesn't make the second spoon a bright idea.

There is research on infidelity that shows that it benifits no one. Not the person getting cheated on, not the person doing the cheating and not the person the cheater cheats with. I'm not moralizing here, that is not my style. If you could be selfish and make it work, I'd say that. But to the best of my knowledge, cheating doesn't do anything useful long term unless of course all the relationships in question are merely facades.

 

There is also research that the cheating couple end up together long term in a very small % of the relationships (I don't have the data on hand here and am too lazy, but it was close to 10%). Chances are better if the cheating happens with an ex-lover than a new partner, but still not very high. So even if the original relationship broke up and went away completely, the chances of the cheating relationship succeeding in any fashion are low and long term secrets too are stressful. In the end, it causes a lot of pain and regrets and shame. Particularly so for the person doing the cheating, because they end up also shouldering the guilt of the pain of the other two.

I’ve read a lot of the same on the topic, so I know that it’s an objectively bad idea. But sometimes, when you stare over the edge, there’s a small part of you that’s tempted to jump, even though you have no intention of hurting yourself. 

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2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Two wrongs don't make a right, but I don't think someone ignoring their partner's misery can claim any moral high ground. 

 

I'd like to see the research you mention, and your third point wasn't really relevant. 

I don't know who you see here ignoring their partners and claiming moral high ground. I think you may be projecting from your experiences with one specific ace. Actually no ace has chimed in on this yet and no one at all has suggested ignoring a partner's misery at all - whether sexual or ace.

 

Unless I missed something. I saw @ChainReact's post and simply commented on that. I don't think he is saying that his wife is ignoring his misery. In fact I'm pretty sure he describes her being oblivious to it.

 

1 minute ago, CBC said:

Cheating is something that happens in relationships that are otherwise already troubled. Or "poisoned", if you will.

This is actually not true. It is a monogamous myth. You can love more than one person. Good camaraderie often develops into cheating without the original relationship being in trouble at all. Plain old attraction, small intimacies that seem harmless escalate. People routinely have poly relationships without original relationship being in trouble. The cheating isn't caused by the attraction but by the poor boundaries - which anyone can have. Marriage isn't some magic innoculation.

 

1 minute ago, CBC said:

Would legit looooove to see that research. Pretty sure I could come up with anecdotes that refute some of those points at least.

 

Read the book Not "Just Friends" - it has references to that research and a lot more other research as well and really covers the subject of infidelity very well, without moralizing and using a lot of data.

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6 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Me too about keeping feelings down, but it doesn't sound like she jumped on the case when you did say something. Would you have responded in a similar way? 

I would have responded differently, but I’m a very different person. And I do think she earnestly wants to do something, it’s just been difficult to explain the depth of the problem to someone who totally doesn’t get it (like telling a colorblind person that their pants and shoes clash horribly).

6 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

What ifs are really tempting. I agree. I am poly, though not seeking a partner and at least twice a week I contemplate having a new partner for sex. I even tried dating, but interacting with so many people irritated me and I stopped. I am simply not in a phase of life or frame of mind to add yet another relationship to the complexity of those I already have. That doesn't stop me from day dreaming. lol. Doesn't help that my ace is totally supportive. So it seems like a bright new feasible idea till I think it through and drop it. Over and over. lol.

I’m glad that you can relate. It’s the over and over part of the daydreaming that makes me occasionally wonder what I’m capable of. 

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6 minutes ago, CBC said:

I will definitely look that book up, sounds interesting actually.

 

Fair enough about the poly point, yeah. I suppose I was coming at it from the persepctive of the discussion being about a clearly unfulfilled partner in what was intended to be a monogamous relationship, and in that sense if neither person is polyamorous, cheating is indeed a sign of an already-existing problem.

No, cheating in monogamous relationships, particularly with work colleagues and such usually happens when there is a perfectly good relationship at home. It is simply the extended contact, camaraderie, an aspect of you that is understood better by the new partner and opportunities and so on. So the cheating partner can actually be and act loving and completely normal at home and their partner may not suspect a thing and in fact, the zing of sexual excitement in their life from the affair can also result in passionate intimacy at home. And this isn't me giving an opinion, but something I've seen in cheating situations among people, heard about from marriage counsellors and so on. Though the cheating being found out often ends the marriage regardless of the relationship being good right up to the point of it being found out. Even if they don't break up, it results in years of trauma and lost trust in the relationship that is very hard to mend.

 

Edit: The example of poly was simply to give a very obvious example of people being capable of loving more than one person. In cheating, they do it dishonestly. In poly they do it honestly, but there doesn't have to be a problem with an existing relationship to love someone new.

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Just now, Telecaster68 said:

Define 'usually'. 

In about 8 instances of cheating, where I knew at least one party to the cheating, there was absolutely no major relationship issue going on when the cheater began their new relationship. I don't actually know anyone who went seeking to cheat because they had a problem at home. 

 

Marriage counsellor in one of those eight instances actually said in conversation that it is more common for there to be threats of infidelity in a troubled marriage than actual cheating and that most people who cheat don't actually want their marriage to end and it is usually the spouse who feels betrayed that initates divorce proceedings. This is not to say it doesn't happen, but the fact of it is that most decent people don't set out to cheat. They simply feel understood and close to someone and enjoy it enough to make allowances till a time comes when the pretence is so flimsy that it gets dropped. This is the most common pattern I have seen among people who cheat with someone they meet on a near daily basis - which in turn is the only kind of cheating I know of from knowing actual parties in the situation.

 

Sit at same table for lunch turns into a pattern for waiting for the other to come before having lunch turns to rescheduling if necessary to be able to do it, extends to coffee at work, then maybe something before/after, casual physical contact, hug while arriving or leaving or emotional moment and so on. May vary, but common theme is that it escalates.

 

If you think of it, you avoid telling your partner because you still want to retain their good opinion of you. If you wanted to punish them, you'd be throwing your new relationship in their face to reject them, before dumping them, no? Or at least to humiliate them daily?

 

This is not to say this is an always/never situation. Simply that the patterns are quite dramatically different when you actually analyze instances from what the popular stereotype is.

 

The book also mentions similar, but offhand I can't mention specific research numbers or whatever.

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18 minutes ago, CBC said:

I will definitely look that book up, sounds interesting actually.

 

Fair enough about the poly point, yeah. I suppose I was coming at it from the persepctive of the discussion being about a clearly unfulfilled partner in what was intended to be a monogamous relationship, and in that sense if neither person is polyamorous, cheating is indeed a sign of an already-existing problem within the partnership.

I actually am pretty sure I’m poly by nature. In fact, I would enjoy a sense of compersion in my partner finding excitement from a secondary relationship - just so long as they don’t run off together. 

 

11 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

They don't have to see the colours, just accept that as a non colour blind person, the shoes and pants clash. 

But they won’t understand just how terribly the shoes and pants clash. It’s so much worse than they could imagine. 

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There are also folks out there who just like to cheat, similar to stealing when not wanting for anything or lying just for fun.

 

I’m going to assume this overall discussion isn’t about them, though, or about poly people in unnaturally-monogamous relationships.

 

Employing cheating as a way to get a message across is - from a relationship perspective, not an individual one - a bit like using suicide to convey “I really, really hate you.”  It sure does send the message home, but at great cost.

 

If the message is “I do want to fix things but I’m at the end of my rope,” cheating just leaves more to fix.  If it’s “this is done,” then cowboy/girl up and say so.

 

Sometimes it’s the latter with a subtext of “and I want you to suffer like I have” or of “but I want you to break it off so I don’t have to.”

 

Again, be an adult and just end it...

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49 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

No, cheating in monogamous relationships, particularly with work colleagues and such usually happens when there is a perfectly good relationship at home. It is simply the extended contact, camaraderie, an aspect of you that is understood better by the new partner and opportunities and so on. So the cheating partner can actually be and act loving and completely normal at home and their partner may not suspect a thing and in fact, the zing of sexual excitement in their life from the affair can also result in passionate intimacy at home.

This is actually something I’ve seen a lot of as well, so it would be another example of a scenario I didn’t think the gang was discussing....

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51 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

They don't have to see the colours, just accept that as a non colour blind person, the shoes and pants clash. 

This is just getting it intellectually.  It’s not really understanding, feeling, and believing it.

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17 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'm sure it happens. But the initial argument that discontent in a relationship just wasn't a factor in infidelity, which is clearly not the case.

There are many factors in infidelity, of which relationship discontent is one and personal discontent is another.  The last time I saw stats on it, neither was close to being the most common cause... but it’s been over a decade (probably close to two) since I did any real information-seeking on it.  Most of the research I did see way back then aimed to debunk the popular myth that infidelity is something the cheated-on partner can prevent.

 

 

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4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I agree. But @anamikanon was arguing that it was never anything to do with relationship discontent.

@anamikanon is correct (or was, last I looked) that it not nearly as common a cause as people think it is.  In terms of what people see in their own friend/colleague groups, I’m sure that will vary.

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2 hours ago, anamikanon said:

cheating in monogamous relationships

It's not a monogamous relationship if wifey is eating cock at her local gym then going home and kissing her hubby with tangy-flavoured lips lol. It's only monogamous if you're not fucking anyone else.

 

2 hours ago, anamikanon said:

They simply feel understood and close to someone and enjoy it enough to make allowances

There is a scientific term for this: Not being able to keep it in your pants. These are the people who bring STDs home to the trusting spouse. You can be close to someone and be their friend without having to get your genitals out of your jeans.

 

2 hours ago, anamikanon said:

there was absolutely no major relationship issue going on when the cheater began their new relationship. 

In other words, some people are pigs who (instead of being honest with their partner by admitting they're not comfortable with monogamy) get their kicks off with other people's naked bodies. Sure it's fun and feels good, but part of being in a healthy monogamous relationship is NOT giving into those baser instincts. If you (general 'you' here) know it would hurt your partner enough that they may break up with you over it (ergo the secrecy) then it's clearly not something you should be doing no matter how good it makes your genitals feel. And if you're driven to do something that may potentially hurt your partner that much (not to mention may give them diseases), purely for your own selfish pleasure, then yes there are underlying issues even if the cheater themselves doesn't recognise those issues. You don't do something you KNOW will break your partner's heart and potentially damage their health unless there's something not quite right happening on some level. There are of course many instances of cheating where the relationship is deeply troubled already and I'm not so harsh about those circumstances. It's just when someone goes and fucks around with a perfectly happy relationship (as those are the ones you're referring to apparently) that I take serious issue. 

 

On a more serious note: Having personally had sex with many, many married men I can say the vast majority of them are seeking something their wife can't give them. Whether that's an emotional need, a need for comfort, a specific sexual act, or a mixture of all three, many cheaters do so because they need something specific, the absence of which is causing them disquiet or unhappiness at home on some level. They may be very happy with the rest of their relationship, but they need this one thing enough that they're willing to risk the pain it may cause their partner to seek it out with someone else. If you're in enough pain on some level that you can risk creating pain in the person you love, then something is most definitely amiss in the relationship. That's regardless of whether or not the cheater is able to admit or even recognise that those issues exist.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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