Ashes to Ashes Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 Hi! So I'm currently questioning wether I'm aromantic or not. Here's the little story that's causing me to question.(warning: it's pretty long) --------------------------------------------- There was a time when I was a bit younger and I knew this guy. We were friends for about a year, and then I started developing feelings for him. I wanted to be around him and talk to him more, and even fantasized about little things like putting my head on his shoulder or hugging him. At the time, I simply pegged it as a crush. I pegged a lot of things as crushes back then, (take aesthetic attractions for example) but this "crush" was different. My feelings kept growing, and when he started dating, I felt severe jelousy. Nowadays I don't see him much and I forget about him. Then someone will mention him or I'll see him at random times and my heart twinges. The strange thing is in my craziest dreams, never once had I thought about kissing him or doing romantic things with him. Those things make me uncomfortable and uneasy. I basically freeze if anyone tries anything. (Seriously, one time someone hugged me and I totally wasn't expecting it so I screamed.) This was the only time in my life that this has ever happened to me. I've never felt the same for anyone. --------------------------------------------- So does this mean he wasn't a "crush", but a super strong squish? If he was a crush, is it possible to have had a past crush and still be aromantic? Or is there a word for it? Or maybe I'm demiromantic?? Thoughts? (Oh, and sorry if this is on the wrong topic. I didn't really know where to put this) Link to post Share on other sites
RakshaTheCat Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 Yeah, I haven't figured it out myself, those romantic orientations seem a bit, hmm, vague. If you develop feelings towards someone after knowing them well, you can just put yourself as demiromantic (I like to call it smartromantic😼). That way people will assume you are open to relationships, but also that you are not developing strong feelings as easily as standard romantic people. Link to post Share on other sites
Ashes to Ashes Posted August 7, 2018 Author Share Posted August 7, 2018 Ooo, that's a great idea! I'll probably do that. Though I'm a little worried that they'll assume I definitely will be romantically attracted to them if they just wait... Link to post Share on other sites
Galactic Turtle Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 5 hours ago, Ashes to Ashes said: The strange thing is in my craziest dreams, never once had I thought about kissing him or doing romantic things with him. "Romantic things" can change depending on the culture and depending on the person and is separate from experiencing romantic attraction. If your version of romance doesn't fall in line with whatever is considered normal amongst the general population it might be more difficult finding a partner (like... not wanting to have sex, for example). So in my opinion it's 100% possible to have a crush on someone and not want to kiss them or even touch them. Link to post Share on other sites
RakshaTheCat Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 I'm not even sure what's the difference in practice between platonic and romantic attraction to be honest... I'm starting to suspect that romantic attraction is basically 'finding someone sexy', which, well, I don't care about, because I don't want to have sex with anyone in the first place... Link to post Share on other sites
Ashes to Ashes Posted August 9, 2018 Author Share Posted August 9, 2018 On 8/7/2018 at 6:47 PM, Galactic Turtle said: So in my opinion it's 100% possible to have a crush on someone and not want to kiss them or even touch them. That's a good thing to know. I think I'm going to look into that a bit more. If my crushes are basically just a desire for what other people might just see as a close friendship, would it be easier to say that I'm aromantic and look for QPRs? Link to post Share on other sites
Ashes to Ashes Posted August 9, 2018 Author Share Posted August 9, 2018 Another thing I just very recently realized is when I try to act "romantic" with someone, or even try to react correctly to romantic or cheesy lines, I find myself emotionally exhausted. Like after a single conversation I feel like curling up in my bed and sleeping for a year. This might be important, it might not. I dunno. Link to post Share on other sites
Galactic Turtle Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 10 hours ago, Ashes to Ashes said: That's a good thing to know. I think I'm going to look into that a bit more. If my crushes are basically just a desire for what other people might just see as a close friendship, would it be easier to say that I'm aromantic and look for QPRs? There's really two things at play here: how the people involved in a relationship feel and how that relationship is viewed by other people. In practice, I really think people on the outside might view a relationship as a QPR if the nature of the relationship they're observing confuses them. This would most likely happen if they see a mixture of things that are commonly romantic or platonic being mixed together into one. This observation might not be in line with what the people in the actual relationship view themselves as. So let's say your romantic desires fall more in line with what the majority around you see as friendship and you find someone else who is the same. You could become a romantic couple yet the people around you might not view it as legitimate or assume all of the stereotypically romantic things just happen in private. It wouldn't mean you're aromantic though. It would just make you romantic in a way not common for others just as is the case for all romantic asexual people to one degree or another. Regardless of labels, compatibility is the most important. While I question the usefulness of these labels to begin with, I do wonder if (realistically speaking) aromanticism is really about lack of romantic attraction or really about the nature of the relationships you desire in life. Link to post Share on other sites
stinar Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 Hi, Hello, Okay, so recently I have been questioning whether I am aromantic or not. I have been in relationships previously, but mostly because I kind of happened upon them and they just stuck. I was recently in a relationship that I fell into even though I knew that I didn't want a relationship. We dated for about a year before I kind of realized what was going on. I love people in the sense that I care about them deeply and I can definitely love people in a platonic sense. I'm not really sure if I can tell the difference between platonic and romantic love. The thought of being with someone forever and having to think of a future as a unit with someone is terrifying to me. I don't think that I could ever be with one person forever, nor could I make the same love connections that other people feel when in relationships with me. I just don't know. It's all grey and dulled down for me? I don't know? Am I aromantic? Link to post Share on other sites
Ashes to Ashes Posted August 10, 2018 Author Share Posted August 10, 2018 11 hours ago, Galactic Turtle said: You could become a romantic couple yet the people around you might not view it as legitimate or assume all of the stereotypically romantic things just happen in private. It wouldn't mean you're aromantic though. Okay, that makes a lot of sense. Thanks for the input! Demiromantic sounds like it would fit more now, though I might have to explain how I feel romantic attraction differently. I might use greyromantic to make it easier though. 2 hours ago, stinar said: I love people in the sense that I care about them deeply and I can definitely love people in a platonic sense. I'm not really sure if I can tell the difference between platonic and romantic love. The thought of being with someone forever and having to think of a future as a unit with someone is terrifying to me. I don't think that I could ever be with one person forever, nor could I make the same love connections that other people feel when in relationships with me. I just don't know. It's all grey and dulled down for me? I don't know? Hi! So I think there's a pretty good chance you're aromantic, considering you said you couldn't make the same love connections others feel. Thaf sounds aromantic to me. If you're still questioning though, a term I recommend looking into is quoiromantic. Quoiromantic means being unsure if you feel attraction or not, being unable to understand attraction as a concept or feeling, and/or finding the concept of attraction inaccessable , inapplicable, nonsensical. Link to post Share on other sites
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