Jump to content
ohmygosh

Why is Autism a dirt word on this site? There is a strong link. Thoughts? Experiences?

Recommended Posts

ryn2

More than that, you’re led to it not being okay to turn down sex.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran
9 hours ago, ryn2 said:

More than that, you’re led to it not being okay to turn down sex.

Or not even an option you would consider because it seems so weird to do... even if you are highly uncomfortable. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
1 hour ago, Serran said:

Or not even an option you would consider because it seems so weird to do... even if you are highly uncomfortable. 

That’s a better way to word it.  It’s not “not allowed” in the sense of someone forcing you, it’s just an option that isn’t even in your worldview.  Like, none of us wants to be gardeners on Jupiter.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

I'd differentiate turning down sex - which pretty much everyone has done from time to time - and saying 'I have no desire to ever have sex'. The first is clearly on people's radar, the second not. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

Even turning down sex (within a relationship, I mean, not just offers from randos) wasn’t really on people’s radar amongst the people I knew as a teen/young adult.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

I guess for teenagers but really? In a relationship in your early twenties, never too knackered/drunk/busy for sex? Ever? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
9 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I guess for teenagers but really? In a relationship in your early twenties, never too knackered/drunk/busy for sex? Ever? 

There was definitely “too disgusting for sex” (TMI on your period, really sick) but that stopped the guy from asking.  It wasn’t an excuse you used for turning down.

 

Some of this may be gendered, too.  There are some logistics around “too drunk, too tired” that affect men more than women.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran
Just now, Telecaster68 said:

I guess for teenagers but really? In a relationship in your early twenties, never too knackered/drunk/busy for sex? Ever? 

You know, I work with a bunch of women in their 40s-50s and they talk about being too tired for sex. But, they dont say they turn it down. They say they avoid doing anything that might turn their husbands on, to avoid having to have sex. They cook for them, even if exhausted and sick, cause thats the role of wife. They do the childcare cause thats the role of wife. They do the cleaning cause thats the role of wife. Day in, day out. 

 

I mentioned I refuse to fold and put away my spouses clothing after washing it, cause they can do it themselves and I might as well have said I kicked a baby or something for the reaction it got. 

 

I mentioned my partner and I hadnt had sex before we got married to my last co workers cause they kept teasing me about getting pregnant or walking bow legged and I basically got told Im an idiot that is going to be cheated on or raped soon for that cause "his nature will come out" (all my coworkers think I have a husband). 

 

Which, every adult woman I talked to when I was confused did say basically you give em what they want or they find it elsewhere...

 

Of course, marital rape wasnt even illegal until the 90s in the U.S... so. Ya know. 

 

But yeah hearing you can turn it down even isnt a common thing I hear from "girl talk" when a bunch of women are together. Mostly just from college aged younger girls who are into feminism. The older crowd I have met all push you do your duties or your husband finds someone that will. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

Yep, I’m well up in that older crowd in my mid-50’s.  Even with my partner threatening to leave, refusing to do his laundry (with my own) feels like trying to push him into divorcing.

 

Not that I in any way judge younger people whose relationships are set up differently - far from it!  It’s just longstanding cultural stuff that’s hard to move past... and for my time and place I’m actually anything but traditional (meaning others are even more steeped in it).

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

I should probably add that I’m not complaining; just trying to make the point that not everyone lives in the same reality in terms of culture and expectations.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran
2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Yep, I’m well up in that older crowd in my mid-50’s.  Even with my partner threatening to leave, refusing to do his laundry (with my own) feels like trying to push him into divorcing.

 

Not that I in any way judge younger people whose relationships are set up differently - far from it!  It’s just longstanding cultural stuff that’s hard to move past... and for my time and place I’m actually anything but traditional (meaning others are even more steeped in it).

Im in the south too. And the Baptist churches push those wife roles... so its going against God to not give your husband basically a slave. But now you are meant to work too! Lol

 

Im like no way, no thanks. I have a wife and we can share wifely duties ;) But I cant say that cause its an "abomination"... I really want to though 😛

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
Just now, Serran said:

Im in the south too. And the Baptist churches push those wife roles... so its going against God to not give your husband basically a slave. But now you are meant to work too! Lol

 

Im like no way, no thanks. I have a wife and we can share wifely duties ;) But I cant say that cause its an "abomination"... I really want to though 😛

 

Oh, hah, that’s even worse.  I’m up north with a good mix of  Catholics and “godless heathens.”

 

13 minutes ago, Serran said:

They cook for them, even if exhausted and sick, cause thats the role of wife. They do the childcare cause thats the role of wife. They do the cleaning cause thats the role of wife. Day in, day out. 

Here it’s more like “because that’s what husbands expect of a wife” but, yeah, same underlying premise:  if you don’t deliver what’s expected they’ll find it elsewhere (with a little bit of “and you know what?  you deserve it!” thrown in).

 

I’m not sure they believe the last part, or if it’s just a bit of othering they use to reassure themselves being cheated on and dumped will never happen to them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran
Just now, ryn2 said:

 

 

I’m not sure they believe the last part, or if it’s just a bit of othering they use to reassure themselves being cheated on and dumped will never happen to them.

I think some really believe it, cause its how they were taught. So ingrained at this point. My mom, who hates sex and chooses to be single the rest of her life because she refuses to take on those wifely roles (despite getting lonely and liking romance), gives the same "well, you didnt do this or that, what did you expect?" advice to women who were cheated on

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

Probably a bit of both, then.

 

It’s definitely the prevailing attitude here, which is probably part of why I scratch my head when male sexual AVENites worry about what people will think of/say to them after a divorce.  Here it would usually be “attaboy!” and “wish I had your balls, man.”

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran
2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Probably a bit of both, then.

 

It’s definitely the prevailing attitude here, which is probably part of why I scratch my head when male sexual AVENites worry about what people will think of/say to them after a divorce.  Here it would usually be “attaboy!” and “wish I had your balls, man.”

Mmm. Well. Different perspectives and all. I find it a little confusing as well, given what ive heard any time a sex issue broke up a relationship. 

 

The guy I dated once, his church / family ushered all women to the kitchen for a thing, all the men stayed elsewhere cause "we dont want to get in the mens way" and he was utterly confused when I was annoyed. He thought everyone just naturally separated to do what they wanted, not that it was forced. <_< I was like no and Id appreciate it if you leave me out of future gendered ceremony things cause I am not in the 1950s and dont belong in the kitchen so the menfolk can handle serious business we little ladies dont need to be around. 

 

So. Even the same situation can come off differently depending on what side you are on. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

Yes, and yes.  Here peoole scoff at “that 1950.’s behavior” southerners engage in... and then all the women go hang out away from the men anyway “because who wants to listen to them talk about guy stuff?”

 

We’ve come so far.  Sigh.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...