Why is Autism a dirt word on this site? There is a strong link. Thoughts? Experiences?

[Guest]

5 hours ago, IronHamster said:

6 hours ago, ryn2 said:

 

I am more addressing some of the bad advise I have seen here.  

 

You're often going on about this advice that you think is so bad, but asexuals here are constantly being urged to be 100% honest with sexual partners before getting into a relationship with them (or as soon as they find out they're ace if they were already in the relationship but didn't know about asexuality). I was in a thread just the other day where almost every member who responded was being pretty harsh to the asexual who posted the thread, because she was considering not telling a potential partner about her asexuality. That's a pretty common response around here, most are strongly against hiding one's asexuality from a partner. 

 

For the most part, the majority of advice given to aces around here is pretty good. Unless you were more hoping we'd try to push them into giving their partner sex? 

[Guest]

5 hours ago, anisotropic said:

I don't know why people are engaging this seriously 😂 it's like a parody, the evil sexual.

You're right, this is all seeming like a bit of a parody right now!!

[IronHamster]

My participation is sporadic, here, but in my limited experience I have seen the advice to not tell a partner being given.  If this was a fluke due to bad sampling, I am happy to know that. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, IronHamster said:

My participation is sporadic, here, but in my limited experience I have seen the advice to not tell a partner being given.  If this was a fluke due to bad sampling, I am happy to know that. 

Yeah that is extremely rare around here and every person I know here (all the regular posters including everyone in this thread) would come down on the person advising against telling a partner. The only time any of us would advise not telling a partner of one's asexuality is if violence could result, in which case we would urge them instead to just get away from this person!!! Sometimes (very rarely) young teens who come through AVEN don't understand the importance of telling a partner, having had no relationship or sexual experience themselves. They may say things like "what does it matter if you don't want sex? Sex isn't everything so obviously you don't have to tell him. If he loves you it totally won't be an issue". It's very unfortunate when advise like this is given but everyone else who sees it is always very quick to try to correct the situation and educate the young person as to the importance of sex for sexual people. You must have just stumbled across a bad thread with advice in that the rest of us missed, because we'd never let something like that slide if we saw it!! It's extremely important for both the sexual partner AND the ace that both go into a relationship with full knowledge of the asexuality, that way both can make informed decisions about the actions they wish to take, compromises they will try to make etc. If one partner doesn't discover their asexuality until after they already entered the relationship, we urge them to fully disclose their feelings to their partner as soon as possible so both can make an informed decision about whether to continue the relationship and what they are going to do to deal with the situation. That's all very standard procedure around here and mods, admins, and members will all get behind that and do our best to ensure that the correct advice is given in such an emotional and complicated situation!

[alibali]

Honesty is crucial in a relationship. Probably more important than sex. However the situations and the level of honesty differs. 

 

For young asexual  people, embarking on first sexual encounters, they may be curious and the relationships short lived so the level of honesty is relatively low.

 

But you can only be honest about what you know and after you've experienced, researched and possibly tried everything, particularly if you love somebody and have spent years trying to resolve something you don't understand.

 

Personally we knew I had the "problem". There was no lack of honesty about that. I wish I had known that it wasn't a "problem" as such.  I would have felt better about myself and we may have been able to work through it instead of trying to "fix" the "problem". 

 

I disagree with labels in general but they can be helpful especially if they help both partners be more understanding and honest. 

[alibali]

Emphasis on both partners being understanding. It is supposed to be a loving partnership. Not one sided.

[ryn2]

8 hours ago, IronHamster said:

the motive is not important to me

Most people heal best when they’re not expending tons of energy raging at the mystery driver and assuming he was intentionally homicidal.

[IronHamster]

6 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Most people heal best when they’re not expending tons of energy raging at the mystery driver and assuming he was intentionally homicidal.

I have to accept that I am never going to have closure on this.  I do not even try to defend my actions with our old friends, because it is not to my advantage to sully her reputation.   

[alibali]

6 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

I have to accept that I am never going to have closure on this.  I do not even try to defend my actions with our old friends, because it is not to my advantage to sully her reputation.   

Sorry I smiled at this. Does she have a sexy reputation. I think you'll find that asexuality as an orientation is better accepted than it ever has been before.

[ryn2]

4 minutes ago, alibali said:

Sorry I smiled at this. Does she have a sexy reputation. I think you'll find that asexuality as an orientation is better accepted than it ever has been before.

It’s probably more about sullying her reputation by painting her as a lying gold-digger.

[ryn2]

14 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

I have to accept that I am never going to have closure on this.  I do not even try to defend my actions with our old friends, because it is not to my advantage to sully her reputation.   

If the motive isn’t important to you, though, what’s there to gain closure around anyway?  You’ve reached an impasse and determined the best option is to split up, and you’ve said the rationale/motive behind the steps that led to the impasse isn’t important from your perspective...

[IronHamster]

12 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

It’s probably more about sullying her reputation by painting her as a lying gold-digger.

I don't need this, @ryn2.  

 

She is a beautiful woman, and will live quite well on 30% of my gross, and will live comfortably on the settlement alone.  Technically, this would make her a prime candidate for another man to pursue.  The odds are already stacked against me, that she will consider remarrying.   It is not to my benefit to thin out the playing field.  Heck, if she accepts a boyfriend, or girlfriend, or it-friend, I should offer them six figures if they land her.  I will be money ahead.  

[Sally]

15 hours ago, IronHamster said:

I typically blew a nut one to three times a day.  If I went over three, my nuts ached.  I was loyal in thought for 23 years, and loyal in deed for 24.  

Well, for your next relationship, perhaps you should  take out an ad bluntly stating your requirements.  

 

And  considering your angry bitterness, I hope you do not spread that to your children when you see them.  Although they've probably already been living with it.

[IronHamster]

1 minute ago, Sally said:

Well, for your next relationship, perhaps you should  take out an ad bluntly stating your requirements.  

 

And  considering your angry bitterness, I hope you do not spread that to your children when you see them.  Although they've probably already been living with it.

I am already in a mutually loving relationship.   We want to spend time together, and I cannot even begin to describe the amazing sex we have.  

 

My kids fully support my decision and new lifestyle.  

[LeChat]

25 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

...Heck, if she accepts a boyfriend, or girlfriend, or it-friend, I should offer them six figures if they land her.  I will be money ahead... 

I apologize for the quick, thread hijack, but what's an "it-friend"? I've only come across that a couple of times, when others used "it" in a pejorative way, towards trans/non-binary/gender-nonconforming people. If you meant "trans, non-binary, and/or gender-nonconforming people," they don't like being referred to as "it" because it feels hurtful, as though others who say that don't feel they're human.

[ryn2]

10 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

I don't need this, @ryn2.  

 

It wasn’t intended as a slam.  I was noting to alibali that it wasn’t likely that you meant “reputation sullying by means of implying she is asexual” when you talked about (not) defending your actions to your friends...

 

...although if you’re hoping to find a bidder I suppose her asexuality would actually be a wise thing to avoid commenting on too.

[alibali]

If all you've done is split up, thousands do it every day......hard to sully someone's reputation just by splitting up.

[IronHamster]

25 minutes ago, alibali said:

If all you've done is split up, thousands do it every day......hard to sully someone's reputation just by splitting up.

I think most men would consider her sexual attitudes a major turn-off, especially if she talks about having sex once the man jumps through certain hoops, then she fails to deliver, and then when she does, she does a shit job because she is only doing it to placate him.  I will grant that there are men on this site that are ok or even prefer a woman with no sex drive, but nobody wants to be lied to.  

[alibali]

Wow. If you talk to your friends about someone you purported to love like that. I think it is more likely to sully your own reputation.

[Sally]

10 hours ago, IronHamster said:

I cannot even begin to describe the amazing sex we have.  

 

Thank god for that.  

[IronHamster]

4 hours ago, Sally said:

Thank god for that.  

Sally, I hope there is something, anything, that you experience some day that makes you feel as happy and relaxed and loved.   Um.  Something legal and safe.  

[Sally]

11 hours ago, IronHamster said:

Sally, I hope there is something, anything, that you experience some day that makes you feel as happy and relaxed and loved.   Um.  Something legal and safe.  

Well, Hamster, there is, every day.  I have a wonderful partner, nice children, and a beautiful cat.  But those bits of happiness don't include hearing about amazing sex, since I -- as most people on AVEN -- am asexual.  So we're probably all happy that you didn't go into the details.  

[uhtred]

On 9/16/2018 at 12:06 AM, Homer said:

That's where I struggle though. Why does one need to know about a "term" or the underlying concept? I'm fairly certain that you know whether you're interested in something or not. "I don't care about sex and it's not something I seek." is being perfectly honest without knowing any fancy words. What am I missing?

I think that is clear and completely fine. 

 

Unfortunately some people lack the courage to say this outright to potential partners and instead say it in a way that seems to leave open the idea that it might change.  Your way is good. 

[Homer]

Just now, uhtred said:

Your way is good. 

...and I don't even need it

[ryn2]

34 minutes ago, uhtred said:

I think that is clear and completely fine. 

 

Unfortunately some people lack the courage to say this outright to potential partners and instead say it in a way that seems to leave open the idea that it might change.  Your way is good. 

Some people (I can’t be the only one) also don’t know it.  I’m sure that’s hard for some to believe but sometimes you don’t know how different your thought processes are from others’ until you discuss things with them in a  whole lot of detail.

 

I honestly still don’t know where I really stand and I’ve been an adult a long time.

[Sally]

I didn't know I was asexual  for most of my life because that term was not known.  I just thought I would eventually learn to like sex if I kept trying.   Once I found out about asexuality, I told my partner immediately.   I think once you know, you should do so also.  

[uhtred]

I agree that in many cases its very confusing.  Its not a binary issue: some people like the idea of sex in general, but don't like it in any specific instance.  They may feel that things just "aren't right", but not realized until many years have gone by that for them things are never right for sex.

 

 

[Sally]

I didn't know that it was OK, or even possible, to not like sex.  At that time, we didn't have "permission" to not like sex.  So if we didn't, it was our fault and we had to work on it.  

[ryn2]

My situation is made all the more odd by how I spent years adjusting to my partner showing zero interest in me sexually, after years of insisting he was interested but having significant ED (and almost never initiating sex)... only to have the problem now be that I may be ace.

[uhtred]

On 9/20/2018 at 3:22 PM, Sally said:

I didn't know that it was OK, or even possible, to not like sex.  At that time, we didn't have "permission" to not like sex.  So if we didn't, it was our fault and we had to work on it.  

Its surprisingly recently that its been discussed at all.  I hope it becomes more widely known, because for people who are not aware of asexuality, it can look like like a different issue.   It you think everyone is "straight" or "gay", and you rule out "gay", then you are lead to a very nasty set of possible reasons why someone would turn down sex with the person that they love.