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Why is Autism a dirt word on this site? There is a strong link. Thoughts? Experiences?

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ryn2
20 minutes ago, Serran said:

Well. Depends on how hard it is for you. I left, because I didnt want to be in a toxic, abusive relationship anymore. But, he moved on faster cause he wasnt as damaged by the relationship as I was. Just missed sex, which requires a person. 

 

If you are damaged, that has to heal before you can find someone. 

Also true, and it probably depends how invested you are (and why).  If your partner was mainly there for easy access to a(ny) warm body moving on (for him) wouldn’t be very complicated.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

Thanks! Plenty reading matter! Off to peruse these!😄

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Homer
On 9/16/2018 at 2:49 PM, Serran said:

Its hard to know you arent into sex though, sometimes.

Maybe my inability to grasp this is because of my approach towards things. I don't like to  assume stuff ("I'm into romantic relationships and sex is a part of most romantic relationships so I assume that I'd be into sex, too"); I'm more like "Meh until proven otherwise". To me the fact that I don't seek a certain activity is enough of a proof that I'm "not into it".

 

 

Edit: Wait, I might have found an analogy that works for me, but it's related to sports (duh!) and I'd have to think this through for a bit.

 

Thanks for setting off my thought sponge :cake:

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ryn2
33 minutes ago, Homer said:

Maybe my inability to grasp this is because of my approach towards things. I don't like to  assume stuff ("I'm into romantic relationships and sex is a part of most romantic relationships so I assume that I'd be into sex, too"); I'm more like "Meh until proven otherwise".

In many cases my approach is “I like X a lot, and it sounds like many people who like X also like Y quite a bit more, so I will probably like Y as well.”

 

Sometimes (often enough to keep me from changing my viewpoint) I do really like Y.  Other times, not so much.

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Serran
2 hours ago, Homer said:

Maybe my inability to grasp this is because of my approach towards things. I don't like to  assume stuff ("I'm into romantic relationships and sex is a part of most romantic relationships so I assume that I'd be into sex, too"); I'm more like "Meh until proven otherwise". To me the fact that I don't seek a certain activity is enough of a proof that I'm "not into it".

 

 

Edit: Wait, I might have found an analogy that works for me, but it's related to sports (duh!) and I'd have to think this through for a bit.

 

Thanks for setting off my thought sponge :cake:

I always assumed sex was like breathing or eating ... everyone did it, so to not want to never even seemed an option given all humans do it. 

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IronHamster
10 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Is there a legal difference where you live?

I'm not sure where the law would apply.  To me there is only one practical difference, but both were equally damaging to me, in that I was lied to.  The difference is a lesbian would have a sex drive and therefore more likely seek out a mate, eventually getting married.   This affects my future finances.  I see my alimony as a life sentence, or perhaps a death sentence.   

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InquisitivePhilosopher
3 hours ago, Homer said:

Maybe my inability to grasp this is because of my approach towards things. I don't like to  assume stuff ("I'm into romantic relationships and sex is a part of most romantic relationships so I assume that I'd be into sex, too"); I'm more like "Meh until proven otherwise". To me the fact that I don't seek a certain activity is enough of a proof that I'm "not into it".

 

 

Edit: Wait, I might have found an analogy that works for me, but it's related to sports (duh!) and I'd have to think this through for a bit...

If it helps to understand it a little better, some asexuals who were born with Autism/prematurely/a medical issue and were told, as young children, by their parents/guardians/teachers/doctors, etc. that the condition they were born with or have might cause them to struggle with learning things (and that if they do, it's not their fault; it's due to their condition) and that they'll be different from neurotypical people/people who were born at full-term and might be behind their peers or classmates, developmentally. So, naturally, that caused some to think that that their lack of sexual attraction was due to that, which might've worried them or made them feel ashamed/different from others.

 

Also, some who grew up abused and went to therapy for it when they were older, were told by some doctors/therapists (before asexuality was more well-known) that that was the cause of their lack of sexual attraction to others. So, for some, they believed the professionals that past abuse was the reason for their lack of sexual attraction.

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Sally
26 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

  I see my alimony as a life sentence, or perhaps a death sentence.   

I don't think alimony (i.e., payment to an ex-spouse) is current in the US.   You must live in another country.  Perhaps you're calling child support "alimony"?  

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IronHamster
2 minutes ago, Sally said:

I don't think alimony (i.e., payment to an ex-spouse) is current in the US.   You must live in another country.  Perhaps you're calling child support "alimony"?  

Alimony is a word everyone understands, but it varies state by state.  Per Illinois law, "maintenance" in the form of 30% of my gross until she remarries or cohabitates is statutory.   If she is paid enough to live comfortably without seeking another husband and has no interest in sex, what is her incentive to change that?  

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ryn2
3 minutes ago, Sally said:

I don't think alimony (i.e., payment to an ex-spouse) is current in the US.   You must live in another country.  Perhaps you're calling child support "alimony"?  

The state where I live does award spousal support but it’s not limitless; it’s for a fixed amount of time that the court deems is necessary such that the spouse has time to augment income.  It’s usually awarded for a year or less.

 

I don’t know if that’s true in all US states, though.  Marital law varies pretty widely.

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ryn2
35 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

To me there is only one practical difference, but both were equally damaging to me, in that I was lied to.

If you replied to my question about this above, I missed it.  Are you certain you were lied to and, if you do know, did your wife confess to lying?

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ryn2
4 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

has no interest in sex

Having an interest in sex isn’t really relevant if that’s the IL law... she just has to not cohabit/wed.  She could have (or not) as much sex as she wanted (or not).

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Sally

 

7 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

Alimony is a word everyone understands, but it varies state by state.  Per Illinois law, "maintenance" in the form of 30% of my gross until she remarries or cohabitates is statutory.   If she is paid enough to live comfortably without seeking another husband and has no interest in sex, what is her incentive to change that?  

Were you married less than 20 years?  There is a revision to the 2015 law that took effect this year that would apply to you.  

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IronHamster
9 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

If you replied to my question about this above, I missed it.  Are you certain you were lied to and, if you do know, did your wife confess to lying?

I cannot prove she was lying or what her motives were, but she had a litany of excuses, and I believe she was intentionally deceptive.  She never wanted to be intimate with me, never complimented me on any sexual experience, and, per people she has talked to, considers it perverted for someone to want sex more than three times a week, which was my bare minimum.  

 

5 minutes ago, Sally said:

 

Were you married less than 20 years?  There is a revision to the 2015 law that took effect this year that would apply to you.  

Twenty-four.   By the time we have our hopefully final court date, it will be twenty-five.   I paid for and supported her through her Masters program, then she decided she wanted to stay home to raise the kids.   Now she is claiming it was my idea that she stay home.  Urgh.  Either way, she never worked outside the home and Illinois is very punative to earners.  The whole thing just keeps adding insult to injury.  

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ryn2
8 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

I cannot prove she was lying or what her motives were, but she had a litany of excuses, and 

I’m not sure how holding onto that assumption/mindset benefits you, then (it certainly doesn’t hurt her)...

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anisotrophic
8 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

perverted for someone to want sex more than three times a week, which was my bare minimum

😐

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IronHamster
16 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I’m not sure how holding onto that assumption/mindset benefits you, then (it certainly doesn’t hurt her)...

I have to accept that I will never have closure on this.  

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ryn2
49 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

I have to accept that I will never have closure on this.  

What difference does it make, ultimately?  You’re moving on (ending the relationship).  Being endlessly angry with her only hurts you.

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IronHamster
43 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

What difference does it make, ultimately?  You’re moving on (ending the relationship).  Being endlessly angry with her only hurts you.

I am sorry if I come off angry.  Life is not perfect, and it is impossible to describe the collage of emotions I have in one simple word.  I am moving on toward healing and happiness. 

 

I don't think it would be fair if you came across a man being mauled by a bear and told him not to get mad about the loss of flesh because it only hurt him, not the bear.  

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ryn2
2 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

I am moving on toward healing and happiness. 

Glad to hear it!

 

2 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

I don't think it would be fair if you came across a man being mauled by a bear and told him not to get mad about the loss of flesh because it only hurt him, not the bear

Perhaps not, but if he was still angry with the bear way down the line I would still note that all it was doing was draining his energy unproductively.

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IronHamster
9 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Glad to hear it!

 

Perhaps not, but if he was still angry with the bear way down the line I would still note that all it was doing was draining his energy unproductively.

I think it is a good thing to take hard lessons and make them known.  If others can live my life vicariously for just a few moments, it may save them decades of pain, so at least my suffering will have done some good.   

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ryn2
13 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

I think it is a good thing to take hard lessons and make them known.  If others can live my life vicariously for just a few moments, it may save them decades of pain, so at least my suffering will have done some good.   

Completely agreed.  What often comes across in your posts, though, is more like “aces - see exhibit A, my wife - are horrible people who will lie to you for financial gain and wreck your lives” and less like “marrying someone whose sexual wants and needs differ widely from your own can be much more difficult and painful than it might seem at the onset, so please think long and hard before deciding to pursue a mixed relationship.”

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IronHamster
4 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Completely agreed.  What often comes across in your posts, though, is more like “aces - see exhibit A, my wife - are horrible people who will lie to you for financial gain and wreck your lives” and less like “marrying someone whose sexual wants and needs differ widely from your own can be much more difficult and painful than it might seem at the onset, so please think long and hard before deciding to pursue a mixed relationship.”

Sadly, I have seen bad advice here regarding what an ace should tell a sexual they want a relationship with.  It reminds me of the archaic way religious institutions deal with homosexuality and bisexuality.  We can't just bury what we are at our core and expect everything to turn out ok. 

 

I know honesty is hard.  I am in a nonmonogamous relationship, and will not give that up.  I have had some conversations with my primary that start out awkward, because we don't know what the others take on the situation will be.  It is also hard talking to others, because people generally don't understand how we can live the way we do, much less like it.  

 

I am sure aces have the same problem explaining themselves.   You don't fit into other people's boxes.  Don't be afraid to take that box from them and shove it up their ass.  

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ryn2
40 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

We can't just bury what we are at our core and expect everything to turn out ok.

Very true, but figuring out what we are at our core can be pretty challenging.  I’m hopeful that will be easier for kids growing up, now that things like asexuality - not just the term, but actual frank discussions of what it’s really like to be (and not be) asexual - are out on the proverbial table.

 

I do think there’s a difference between bad advice and bad people, though.

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Sally

I assume that your kids are grown and thus the maintenance owed your wife is not child support.  

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IronHamster
14 minutes ago, Sally said:

I assume that your kids are grown and thus the maintenance owed your wife is not child support.  

Maintenance and child support are two separate calculations.   Child support will be in addition to 30% of my gross, and ends when my youngest turns 18. 

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alibali
3 hours ago, IronHamster said:

Maintenance and child support are two separate calculations.   Child support will be in addition to 30% of my gross, and ends when my youngest turns 18. 

In the UK there is no fixed support for spouses. We have a an adult child. Our incomes are roughly similar but because I didn't work while bringing up the children my pension will be significantly lower in retirement.  So we could have pension shared but I chose to take more capital from the house sale.  It's based more on circumstances. There is never any guarantee that someone will marry again so it should be worked out on the basis of what we know now, not on some prediction of the future. I have had to accept that he has benefited from my inheritances from my parents in terms of capital but I have no claim to his potential future inheritance because it's unknown.  I think you are being unfair to your ex frankly. If she spent years raising both your children it will have had an effect on her future income and should be taken into account. Choosing to stay at home to look after  your children is surely better than shoving them into childcare from a young age even though it doesn't make sense for you financially as an individual. And when you make that choice you expect that you will have a joint income going forward. Life isn't a set of straightforward choices based on 20:20 evidence.

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Sally
48 minutes ago, alibali said:

  I think you are being unfair to your ex frankly. If she spent years raising both your children it will have had an effect on her future income and should be taken into account. 

Definitely.  And if you don't think that caring for children is work, you should try it some time.  

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anisotrophic

While I disagree that childcare is worse, it is enormously expensive. I have paid a lot for childcare to stay working, because the alternative is exactly what @alibali and @Sally say.

 

This can be very hard to do, because financially for some it might not be possible to justify or do: the were times where every penny of my income (with an advanced degree!) was covering childcare costs, or even exceeded by it. The lifetime consequences on income and earning ability from employment gaps caused by parenting, for even partial absence from the workplace, is well established.

 

Childcare is enormous labor, too. My weekends are more work than my weekdays. And this is with a partner who does it with me.

 

It's rank sexism to say the stay-at-home parent path is "selfish". I've worked hard not to take that path.

 

It's also insane that one can think someone would know they couldn't enjoy sex, decades ago. (Although based on apparent hatefulness, I'm completely unconvinced this partner is asexual, many sexuals falter in attraction to partners due to psych, health, and relationship issues, that's why couples & sex therapy exists.) As a sexual that suffered for a decade and a half not knowing, I personally think others here are cutting @IronHamster a lot more respect for malice-laced reported suffering than is deserved.

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alibali
2 hours ago, anisotropic said:

 

It's also insane that one can think someone would know they couldn't enjoy sex, decades ago. (Although based on apparent hatefulness, I'm completely unconvinced this partner is asexual, many sexuals falter in attraction to partners d

Agreed.  Biologically I apparently could "enjoy sex"....it just didn't feel that much like enjoyment or necessary etc...or have a point. 

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