Egwene

demisexual, advice needed

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Egwene

Hi there! I just discovered this term today and found it applies to me so I am exploring it!

I always thought I was a non-sexual being. I would engage in sex when I was younger but never enjoyed it; I never had crushes that had any sexuality to them and most crushes were fictional people from books. I had no interest in sex and only really wanted a bf because I felt I should. I did not get horny, I never looked at anyone and felt any sexual attraction. I did not understand terms like 'hot' 'phwoar' or the desire to 'jump' someone you did not know! I still don't really get these at least on an emotional level.
So for years I just thought sex wasn't something I'd ever get anything out of, that it was because I was female and that I'd engage in it to please guys rather than for anything for me.
But I would masturbate and orgasm through that. I never fantasised about people at all though real or imaginary.
When I was raped this made it impossible for me to orgasm even with masturbation so after living this way for years I felt that this was just how I was: non-sexual. I never used the term asexual or thought of myself as asexual though. I have nearly always been in a relationship with a guy (3 long term, several short term before that) and would engage with sex that I didn't really enjoy.

Now, with my current bf... I am very sexually attracted to him. We have a bond I've not had with anyone else, and we were friends for about 6 years before we got together and lived together for 3 years of that as housemates. So our relationship was already there and we knew each other long before I got any attraction to him. And I love sex now and orgasm all the time and I am really horny for him and feel all these things I did not think I would ever feel - could not really comprehend the idea of them at all even! - and I thought - oh well I am a sexual being after all! I thought maybe the rape had broken me and now my bf has helped fix me, and I was wrong.

 

But I thought about it a lot. And I still do not ever fancy anyone else. I do not think about real or imaginary people when I masturbate or during sex. I never look at anyone ever and get turned on. I only ever get turned on by my bf and only think about him. Porn does not turn me on at all, I feel uncomfortable looking at it. I actually felt confused and upset when I learnt he does enjoy looking at porn and he does think about other women when he masturbates. I felt I had developed this amazing sexual bond that was just me and him but his sexuality extends beyond me.... and mine does not extend beyond him. I recognise that I am the abnormal one here.

 

We discussed this before I learnt the term demisexual and he said he felt a weight from the fact that he was the entirety of my sexuality.

 

I wonder if anyone has any advice on how to discuss this again now I have found a term, or how to make him feel that it's not a burden that I'm putting on him, that it's just who I am? I am learning to come to terms with his (normal) sexuality even though I do not understand it and I want him to be able to do the same for me.

 

 

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Spoopy_Hazel

Just talk to him about it. Tell him genuinely how you feel, and explain that you're not trying to burden him or anything. He may not fully get it at first, but if you are genuine and honest, and he loves you, he'll probably come to terms with it in time. Demisexuality is real and so many people experience it; you're not alone! Maybe if you showed him testimonials of other demisexuals that would help him too. Everyone is different with how they process new information. 

 

That's my advice. *shrug* Take it or leave it, I hope this helps.

 

:cake: :cake: 

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Nowhere Girl

I can understand how a partner's asexuality can be difficult for an allosexual. But demisexuality?? What problem could that be?

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Egwene

His problem with it was he felt I was dependent on him, and that my sexuality was just about him whereas his extends well beyond me and he did not understand it and it felt like a burden and dependence. 

 

We had a good conversation about it though and he is beginning to understand my sexuality just as I am trying to understand his! 

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