Can’t tell if I feel platonic or romantic attraction.

[verymelancholic]

Anyone else feels this way? Every time, I have no idea what i feel. What is it called? How do I tell the difference?

[EmbrAce It]

Yeah, I get that too sometimes. It's made me question my orientation labels quite a bit, but I've stuck to them. A lot of the time if I experience continued aesthetic attraction towards someone I'll think about it a little more, and usually it is just a squish. As you identify as aromantic, it may be possible that you're aro-spec instead, such as quoi/WTFromantic (having difficulty determining romantic attraction and _______ attraction(s). I usually try to imagine myself kissing said person who I've been squishing on and if I'm weirded out by the idea, I call it a squish. 

[NerotheReaper]

Platonic love or affection to me, is like this "I care about you, I want to hang out with you. But I don't feel like you are my other half." Sure friends can have strong bonds, and be very similar to each other. Friends usually don't have a desire to be physical or intimate with each other. 

 

While romantic affection is a bit more intense, having a strong pull towards someone, you want to know everything about them. You can go to bed thinking of them and wake up thinking of them, you may also feel a little nervous around them. A lot of long term relationships do have a friendship as a foundation, however both sides agree to progress it to a deeper bond that is often more physical. 

 

Here is a cartoon I like to use to explain the different types of attraction.

Spoiler

 

[Karst]

It's fairly normal across all sexual/ romantic orientations to occasionally confuse one type of attraction for another.

[Anony-moose]

All the time bud, so far I've had like 3 friends (not going to count my bestest friend cuz ew she's my cousin) that I've felt quite intensely for, two for which I've had the Gay ThoughtsTM for, and one other I've also had the Gay ThoughtsTM for. Always concluded the gay thoughts weren't really something I particularly care about and I'm happy with being friends with them. Wouldn't have it any other way ❤️

 

But yea it's confusing.... leads to the "am i actually just pan/bi or am i aro?" thing every time

[AcornCarvings]

Yeah, I gave up on that a little while ago. Now I just sort of ride with the feelings and let them lead where they do without stressing about categorizing them.

 

@Anony-moose I love the term Gay ThoughtsTM it is so useful lol

also you have the most amazing profile pic

[CatsClubsNCake]

I copy and pasted my comment from a different thread because I thought it might help you:

 

Okay so after reaaally thinking about it and asking my extremely straight and alloromantic friends some questions I've come to a conclusion for why I think my "crushes" were actually squishes (FOR ME. Not everyone is the same obvi.):

 

• I don't really get jealous of the "crushes" (which are actually squishes, I think). I asked my friends and they all said they feel very sad and mad and jealous when the person they have a crush on likes another person or dates someone else. I, in contrast, don't really care as long as we still hang out and are close friends (close enough to share hugs).
• Like mentioned above, I don't care if we're not dating as long as we are close friends. I don't really mind just being best friends with my "crushes". But my friends said they would be very sad if they were in that situation. Before, I thought I wanted to have, specifically, a romantic relationship with them since when I imagined myself dating them it seemed like an okay thing to do. But I feel like those images were sort of forced (if that makes any sense?) and it was more about me being open to that sort of relationship than me actually craving one.
• Necessity of kissing and relationships. I also asked my friends how they would feel if they found out they would never be able to kiss someone on the lips for the rest of their lives. Most of them said they would feel as if they were missing something in their lives. I wouldn't care if that happened, on the other hand. I also asked how they would feel if they found out they would never be able to date anyone in their lives, only have really close friends. ALL of them said they would be devastated. I would not care.
• I think about romantic relationships differently. As I reflected on this topic, I realized that for me boyfriends/girlfriends were sort of like long-term best friends..? Dating in my mind was just going out with a really good friend like you normally would do. A relationship was just, really, a more intense friendship for me. In my mind, the only thing special about these romantic relationships were the title of girlfriend/boyfriend. And apparently that's not how everyone feels lol.
• Experience. So, I was lucky (or unlucky) enough to experience a romantic relationship (though most of it was long-distance). I felt like a lot of the things I would do/say were really forced..? It felt like I was just copying what I saw in movies. Additionally, though in my head the thought of kissing did not seem like the worst idea, when it came to the moment where the guy was going to do it... I don't know what came upon me. At the very moment I knew I could never do it. I felt like I would cry if I kissed him. It just felt totally against my nature.
• Also, the descriptions my friends gave of "crush symptoms" (lol) did not match mine. They said they felt butterflies and were constantly thinking about the person and fantasizing about holding hands and kissing them and what they'd look like together and they felt very nervous around them and had a deep yearning to see them and be around them constantly, etc. For me, I just feel really good around the person and want to hug them and (sometimes) kiss them (usually not in the lips, though). 

 

I think that is it so far. 

 

In summary, the reason why I thought I was alloromantic for such a long time was because the thought of dating didn't seem terrible at all! I actually really enjoyed the idea and wanted that for me because that is what I grew up with and saw constantly in the media.

But I was confusing romantic attraction with intense platonic attraction and thought I had crushes when they were actually squishes.

 

Hope that helped somehow 

Good luck!