BuNy_MaSteR

I need some wisdom bestowed upon me

Recommended Posts

BuNy_MaSteR

So I joined yesterday and asked this question in another discussion group but I feel it's more appropriate here. It's quite lengthy but my head is in a mess. Some help would be appreciated!

 

Recently when I talked to a friend on how I have an extremely low sex drive and am not romantically active, he said I might fall in under the ace and aro spectrum- in particular gray ace and gray aro. I've read around and well it kinda sounds like me but I don't know if the definition applies to me so some guidance is what I'm after

So to begin. I know I am only attracted to men but I don't get crushes? Like I don't feel a need to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with them. So usually, if a guy were to ask me out I tell them that I'll go out with them but there's a one month time limit. This is because in that one month I want to see if I get romantically or sexually interested with them and if I don't I don't want to lead them on or waste their time depending on what their goal is. I explain this to them just so that they can make sure whether they want to pursue it or not and save themselves from emotional pain. The end result for the majority is indifference? I felt no different from beginning to end and I ended it. But for the one that does go over a month, it's like I like them romantically enough to be in a relationship but I don't feel the desire to hold their hand, kiss them, star gaze, cuddle, or have a sexual experience but the simple fact that they wanted to do it was enough reason for me to indulge them and make them happy? But seeing them happy doesn't necessarily make me happy. I  do get a sense of satisfaction that they are mentally and emotionally healthy in the relationship and don't mind giving them emotional or physical assurance but its not something that I need in particular and if they don't need it, that's fine too. It's along the lines of "I care about them romantically or sexually enough that it doesn't feel like a chore or something I HAVE to do and if we last years that's cool but if we broke up that's cool too" 

In the end, If I went the rest of my life never being sexually active or romantically active I'm content with that. There's a lack of desire on my part and I definitely don't seek it out but the fact that I'm willing to participate confuses me. Its obvious to me that I have a low sex drive but is that enough to define as gray ace? Is it enough that I don't have crushes and am okay with a relationship that is more that just platonic but not entirely romantic enough to define as gray aro? 

Thank you for reading this whole thing and for the advice! 

 
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Morgenrot

I do think that you're aro/ace. It sounds like it. And even if you werent: who cares? You are perfect the way you are. No need to change that!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Falafelphy

I definitely think you're somewhere on the ace and aro spectrum. Also, in terms of your romantic orientation, you should definitely look into the idea of a QPR (queer platonic relationship), because that seems to be your ideal relationship. There are also different kinds of aces in terms of how they respond to sex, where sex repulsed aces are repulsed by sex or topics related to sex, sex neutral aces regard it as something similar to folding laundry, and sex positive aces often enjoy sex or masturbate, even if they won't seek out a partner themselves.

 

In summary, it's the level of attraction you experience that defines you as ace or aro, not your willingness to join in sexual or romantic acts.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
BuNy_MaSteR
44 minutes ago, Morgenrot said:

I do think that you're aro/ace. It sounds like it. And even if you werent: who cares? You are perfect the way you are. No need to change that!

Thank you! That's so sweet of you. It's just very tedious to have to explain this whole thing to people over and over again and them still not getting my perspective. It feels a little suffocating in the sense that I didn't really have someone who was like "Yeah I totally get you!" 

Thank you for your wisdom!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
BuNy_MaSteR
31 minutes ago, Falafelphy said:

I definitely think you're somewhere on the ace and aro spectrum. Also, in terms of your romantic orientation, you should definitely look into the idea of a QPR (queer platonic relationship), because that seems to be your ideal relationship. There are also different kinds of aces in terms of how they respond to sex, where sex repulsed aces are repulsed by sex or topics related to sex, sex neutral aces regard it as something similar to folding laundry, and sex positive aces often enjoy sex or masturbate, even if they won't seek out a partner themselves.

 

In summary, it's the level of attraction you experience that defines you as ace or aro, not your willingness to join in sexual or romantic acts.

QPR? I'll definitely look into it. Thank you! And yeah I knew that it was the level of attraction you experience but when I would talk about my approach to relationships, the weird eyes and questions made it very muddy for me and confused me to the point where I questioned what was wrong of me. But I appreciate the clarification! 

Thank you for your wisdom! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeast

I have a sex drive but I've never had the desire to share it with anyone. Here and now, inappropriate sexual behavior can ruin your career. Its ironic that a complete disinterest in sexual behavior can ruin your life by isolating you. This is no reason to stop trying to find companionship though.  My ideal partner would be another asexual of course.  I've managed to find one but she seems a bit autistic at times.  When we do talk its amazing how similar our minds operate.  The LGBT community has offered another option. My lesbian friends really enjoy my company and also perhaps the fact they know sex will never be an issue with me. I feel exactly the same way with them.  Having sex just to please someone else is a very noble thing to do but I don't think I could ever do it.  My approach is to just tell someone I'm asexual if I feel I need to. If they accept this it's a good thing. If they have issues I just walk away. It's a big world and I can find someone else. Something else that will provide companionship is my volunteering to help foreigners with their English skills. Frankly I've always liked serving others but unfortunately I've thrown too many pearls to swine. I suppose this is why I've set limits as to how much I'm willing to give. I don't feel selfish. I've just learned not to give anyone what they don't deserve no matter how much they demand it. There are too many pigs in this world. It's good to be an oyster sometimes. I guess this makes me shellfish.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Fluffy Femme Guy
3 hours ago, BuNy_MaSteR said:

So to begin. I know I am only attracted to men but I don't get crushes? Like I don't feel a need to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with them.

This is totally fine. I have some mild and mostly aesthetic attraction to females, with no desire for IRL sex or romance.

There have been very rare occassions that I have had varying degrees of romantic and/or sexual interest towards specific people, but this is far from the usual and even then I'm pretty sure I couldn't actually go through with it.
 

3 hours ago, BuNy_MaSteR said:

...it's like I like them romantically enough to be in a relationship but I don't feel the desire to hold their hand, kiss them, star gaze, cuddle, or have a sexual experience...

Pretty much my experience with my second (and final) girlfriend, no sex also pretty much the reason we broke up. But I was fine with kissing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now