Please help. Is my bf asexual?

[ryn2]

1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

Don't you ever feel like that towards your partner in your own situation, Ryn?

Not really, but my situation is backwards of the rest of yours.  In my case the person who demanded a change won’t talk about it...  not the one it’s being demanded of.

 

In my experience people have to be ready to open up, and it takes some people a while to get there.  While they are getting there defensiveness happens and it’s going to hurt sometimes.

[ryn2]

They had one conversation that derailed.  She was curious what we thought.  It’s premature to say how future ones will go.

[ryn2]

I’m just suggesting the comment about her not putting in any effort is probably not even reflective of what he thinks about her... it was just a way to get out of an uncomfortable spot.

[ryn2]

1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

You were saying give him another chance; and another, and another, and another, till he's comfortable, and never mind her comfort.

No, that’s not what I was saying.  I thought she was asking why he would put the blame on her, and the answer to that is “because he was uncomfortable.”  The only way to avoid that is to pause the discussion when you can see it coming.

[ryn2]

Agreed that another approach might work better.  I was just answering her question in a micro fashion - I don’t think she needs to feel bad about how she looks, and in fact I think he said it because he knew it would be effective rather than because it has any effect on his feelings towards her - rather than the macro approach you’ve chosen.

[Amy jones]

4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

So just putting together a bunch of his responses:

... because he knows it's an issue

 

 

So actually he kinda  likes having sex. But not enough to, you know, actually have it...

 

Because that's how sex works.... if you don't have any sex for ages, then you're in a relationship and your partner's revved up and wants to jump you reasonably regularly, you stick with the 'not having sex' habit, rather than having sex with them.

 

We both know that isn't how it works, for most sexuals.

 

I guess it depends on context and tone and all that, but it's still hard to hear. I think, from other things, this isn't the issue, but let's take him at his word. Maybe he does only get want sex when you dress up - so check it out. Next time you know you're going to have the time together, give it the full 'dressing up', in whatever you know he likes, and initiate, in no uncertain terms. If it works, then maybe you'll have to do that, to an extent; it's a pain, but at least you'll be getting laid, and you know he does actually desire you. Maybe think of it like a fetish, in which sex doesn't happen unless the fetish is there.

 

But actually this sounds like someone who doesn't want sex grabbing at the nearest excuse they can think of, to me. 'It's not a priority' didn't fly with you, and neither did 'I'm not used to having sex', so he had to come up with something else. The whole 'maybe if you wore lingerie or something' is flailing too. I know I'm not particularly visual (especially for a guy) but really, for most sexuals, it's not about the imagery, it's about the person, and closeness (physical and emotional), sometimes almost habit.

 

So here's my cod-psychology theory. He sees sex as dirty and making a relationship less pure in some way. Hence, you sending him a salacious pic is 'trashy'. This isn't you sending a pic to random men, this is his partner sending him a pic basically saying 'I want you. I'm yours. Enjoy me.' For most men, even if they weren't visually-inclined, just the fact of that subtext would be exciting. But he doesn't see that - he just sees someone wanting sex, and that's trashy, to him. That could be why he reached for the whole dressing up thing too. You dressing up makes you an 'other', it's objectification, and distancing you from being your normal self, and in his head, it's okay to do impure trashy things with this non-Amy. But the version of you in sweatpants and glasses is a bit real and nice and he doesn't want to 'defile' you (never mind you're jumping on him shouting 'f***ing defile me NOW'...). 

 

He's trying to avoid thinking about all that stuff, or doesn't understand it, so naturally, it gets project on you to an extent.

 

This may well be wildly over reaching, but it might have some truth to it.

Thank you for the response, it’s truly helpful. I think you may be in to something. He has told me in the past (briefly) when he was Christian (which he no longer is) that he did think it was wrong to have sex before marriage, he says he doesn’t feel this way anymore. When I suggested a long time ago If he wanted to wait for marriage, he said no. During our conversation last night he even stated he use to be a lot hornier in the past, and past relationships. He said maybe his age. I said no, you’re 34. As I didn’t want to accept unreasonable answers. It’s almost as if he wanted to keep saying hurtful things so I would stop talking about it. But this conversation makes me reevaluate my entire relationship with him. Although most conversations go this way with him. He knows Im already feeling vulnerable and insecure and I understand he feels that way too but he uses it as an opportinity to try to turn it into my fault again, instead of manning up and telling it like it is. 

 

After I became upset, he said see you don’t actually want to fix this. You just want to argue. Which at that point was true, I didn’t want to fix it anymore, I just felt hurt and defensive. My motivation to even be with him

at that moment was running thin. 

[ryn2]

44 minutes ago, Amy jones said:

It’s almost as if he wanted to keep saying hurtful things so I would stop talking about it.

This was probably exactly what it was, consciously or not.

[anisotrophic]

It's fair to observe that this is 1.5 years and not 15 years.

Bringing this to my partner went much better, maybe in part because we'd already iterated through defensive conversations for over a decade before I learned about asexuality... it was as if we'd exhausted all those possibilities.

But, for what it's worth, he never accused me of not putting in the effort. Which is to say, defensiveness is natural, but... my partner never shifted the blame onto me, he pointed to other factors. 😕

[ryn2]

12 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

But, for what it's worth, he never accused me of not putting in the effort. Which is to say, defensiveness is natural, but... my partner never shifted the blame onto me, he pointed to other factors. 😕

Your partner had probably also learned well before that conversation that things like shifting the blame to you would not be tolerated, or at least would not have the desired effect (making the painful conversation stop).  It only works with a partner who has  tendency to at least give taking responsibility (inappropriately) some serious thought...

[Nidwin]

He's blaming and shaming the victim, alas OP, and refuses to properly look in the mirror, to realise what kind of piece of work he truly is.

 

We have this little jewel

"Hes also mentioned to me in the past that he thinks he’s more “evolved” and less “animalistic” and just doesn’t feel the same as other horny men."

 

Homonids actually evolved and became less animalistic in regards to sexuality. It's not the way around whatever he thinks. To his definition all sexual men are horny males and as he thinks he's one of the evolved and less animalistic chosen ones it remains to be seen how much of it is a tendency to megalomania.

 

He likes sex, although it's not on his priority list with the woman he asked to marry. He does find his girlfriend pretty in the end, just not at home when she wears glasses and sweats. He doesn't look at his girlfriend when she changes in front of him, may be he finds it trashy or slutty, just like a sexy picture just for his eyes. Of course he's the first to defend the poor Ladies who are being hit by all those horny men in a so inappropriate way. He's an evolved and less animalistic homo sapiens sapiens after all, a true chosen ones.

 

I only hope he's not telling others, except OP of course, how great his couple is and how satisfied Amy truly is. The so rare lucky woman Amy Jones.

[Amy jones]

Update: I can’t explain why, it was just uncontrollable but I cried for 2 days straight, even when feeling neutral just tears that I couldnt hide. I usually cry in private. He felt very guilty, brought home flowers, apologized and said he doesn’t even know why he said that when he doesn’t mean it. He stated he felt pressured to give me an answer. I was much too overstimulated to start the conversation again. He then told me he loved me for the first time ever, has been on his best behavior since then. I still don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I feel completely different about him at this point. If it’s so easy for me to feel this way maybe he isn’t the right person for

me in the first place. He already knows I have abandonment issues, so he is semi understanding about me always trying to leave (before he can). Which I know is not right. Just going along in a daze at the moment, this is where I’m at. I appreciate you all, this community has helped me so much. 

[ryn2]

Upheaval of any sort is hard... be patient with yourself and give yourself time to reach and make the right decision.

[Nidwin]

May be counseling wouldn't be such a bad idea for both of you Amy. Your boyfriend clearly has some personality issues and probably a big sex ed knowledge gap that needs to be properly resolved for his own sake.

 

Some folks around here know that I'm not a fan of mixed couples as I do find it unhealthy. Some seem to make it work but I'm always asking myself at which price, nevermind.

There's no shame, life is too short,  to break up and go out finding a more suitable partner, bu in your case I would suggest to try to find answers for both of you, together, first.

[Amy jones]

6 hours ago, d.men said:

I don't think he's asexual. He may have troubles

Do you mind elaborating? As you’re the only person that’s answered this way. I would like to get more perspectives.

[Amy jones]

My bf has been trying everything he’s got to not lose me. I implied to him after our last conversation that I feel like giving up, it’s just too much for me. I was also so hurt by his comment that it turned into anger (I don’t have to deal with this sh*t attitude). Since then I’ve been being very cold. He’s then implied that he wants to buy us a house soon, take me to Amsterdam for my birthday like I’ve always wanted (prior to this all finances were 50/50 but he’s implying he wants to do all of these things for me now). Then initiated perhaps the kind of sex that he thinks I want to have. It was almost like he was poorly reenacting a porn skit, dirty talk and all. But all I could think about was what he said about not wanting to have sex when I’m at home in my glasses and sweats (which I was, and no ones going to change that about me. If anything I’ve purposely been looking more unattractive at home out of pride) I told him please, you don’t have to do this. 

 

He expressed that he (really) wanted to. It actually felt humiliating for me, that I secretly started crying mid way, then a lot afterwards but I hid it pretty well. He tried pleasuring me first (kind of) which he hasn’t done since literally the first time we’ve had sex, and tried to last as long as possible (although he usually reaches climax really quickly, is that unusual for aces?) So is this romantic or extremely unhealthy? I am stuck feeling somewhere in the middle. I’ve definitely lost a lot of sexual attraction for him. I was actually almost certain that we should break up, prior to this. I wish he would just admit what his real reservations are with sex. 

 

 

[Guest]

He is scared to lose you so is trying to over compensate. 

 

And... I dont blame you for being upset over what he said. You dont tell your girlfriend you cant want her in normal clothes. Thats just rude. O.o

 

Probably he finds it hard to think of sex unless you are being obvious about wanting him (lingerie etc). And he is more aroused by the sexy clothes and effort.  But the way he said it is awful.

[Amy jones]

Just wanted to update everyone. He expressed to me some childhood trauma (non sexual) that he went through that shaped him a lot as a person. It’s not really related to our sex problem but I can see why he would have trust issues and generally a defensive personality. 

 

I’m not sure if there is more to his history that he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with me yet, but I believe this was his indirect way of telling me why he’s very “reserved” when it comes to sex. 

 

We are now having sex about once every 10 days on average, but I either have to ask (uncomfortable for me) or it’s very much planned by him. To be completely honest, this only fulfills my sexual needs by 10% (like giving a starving person 5 French fries) knowing that he’s only doing it for me.

 

I am more of the pleaser, and can only enjoy myself when I know my partner is really desiring me or enjoying themselves. Well, this is the current boat I’m in, and I’ll give it a few more months to determine if I can stay in this relationship. 

[uhtred]

3 hours ago, Amy jones said:

Just wanted to update everyone. He expressed to me some childhood trauma (non sexual) that he went through that shaped him a lot as a person. It’s not really related to our sex problem but I can see why he would have trust issues and generally a defensive personality. 

 

I’m not sure if there is more to his history that he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with me yet, but I believe this was his indirect way of telling me why he’s very “reserved” when it comes to sex. 

 

We are now having sex about once every 10 days on average, but I either have to ask (uncomfortable for me) or it’s very much planned by him. To be completely honest, this only fulfills my sexual needs by 10% (like giving a starving person 5 French fries) knowing that he’s only doing it for me.

 

I am more of the pleaser, and can only enjoy myself when I know my partner is really desiring me or enjoying themselves. Well, this is the current boat I’m in, and I’ll give it a few more months to determine if I can stay in this relationship. 

Think about what you need to be happy.   In general it is more difficult for everyone to end a realtionship the longer it lasts, so delaying a decision once you have made it, doesn't do anyone any favors

 

[anisotrophic]

I'm glad to hear that you're recognizing this isn't fair to yourself. Whatever is going on - orientation, trauma, or both - there's a limit to how much you can do on your own.

 

And if he is asexual (worth noting asexuality might be rare, so this might be a red herring), it might be a reason this can't work. I'm fairly happy now in my relationship, but it's hard. It's only happy because we're both really committed to being caring & figuring it out together.

[Amy jones]

On 9/30/2018 at 3:59 PM, anisotropic said:

I'm glad to hear that you're recognizing this isn't fair to yourself. Whatever is going on - orientation, trauma, or both - there's a limit to how much you can do on your own.

 

And if he is asexual (worth noting asexuality might be rare, so this might be a red herring), it might be a reason this can't work. I'm fairly happy now in my relationship, but it's hard. It's only happy because we're both really committed to being caring & figuring it out together.

I’m glad it’s working out for you and your partner. I try to picture myself 5-10 years from now with kids running around and in the grand scheme of things how important sex will be to me. I’m trying to weigh out the benefits of him not being a very sexual person. It makes it much easier for him to be loyal. Also, now that I am so familiar with this situation when I picture myself with a very sexual partner, for some reason I feel uncomfortable now. I kind of see it as aggressive, questioning if they’re using me for sex etc. I wonder if any others in my situation have felt this way... 

[Amy jones]

Hi everyone,

 

I have some updates regarding my situation and seeing if anyone has any advice or input. For anyone that has read this thread from a few months back, I was very much convinced that my boyfriend is in fact some degree of asexual. 

 

After attemtping to break up with him for this incompatibility, along with other issues, he confessed something that was shocking to me. For the past 2 years I thought he was asexual, low libido etc but he told me a few days ago that he masturbates every single day, and does not watch porn. He says he feels his hormones are always pretty high/raging and feels the need to release at least once a day yet we rarely ever have sex. He admits it doesn’t feel that great but does it for release.  When we do have sex (about once a month) it’s usually when I am already sleeping, he will just “do his thing”, some might even view this as a form of rape. I’m not saying I’m unaware of it happening but I am obviously in a confused sleeping state, and I just go along with it. I’m caught off guard but considering how rarely we have sex I’ve just been taking whatever I can get. 

 

I was devestated when I heard this. I felt even more undesired than before. He says when he does initiate sex it’s because he “cannot control it anymore” implying the masturbation is not satisfying enough, and he “has to have sex”. But even so when having sex it is very mechanical, cold and to the point. Almost as if I’m a sex doll, and not involved. 

 

I now realize it is some deep psychological issues. If anyone has any type of advice, input or if this could be a form of asexuality too it would be much appreciated 

[Human0id]

on the one hand yes, on the other not ...

[Amy jones]

5 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

Get out. Go. For all the reasons Tele said. You'll end up with deep psychological issues and possible trauma, if you don't have some of that going on already. No one should ever be used that way.

It is possible I do have some trauma from this already. When I cried for hours and expressed how much this hurt me, it was obvious how terrible he felt. He seemed awfully confused as to why this would hurt me, and says he now really gets where I’m coming from. We’ve been having sex everyday since this talk, and it feels less cold and he tries to be more intimate (kissing, making sure I climax), but I don’t know how long this will last. He obviously has some desire/urges to have sex rather than masturbate, but It’s almost as if I’m teaching a 14 year old about the birds and the bees. “When two people really love each other....” 

 

Im just trying to decipher if this will ever change (long term) or If he is asexual. Everyone (including my friends) seem to be telling me to run for the hills, but I sympathize with him and I don’t feel it’s very fair for me to just jump ship if he’s willing to try to be different. I don’t know, but I’m even more confused than before. 

 

Thanks guys for your input 

 

@Telecaster68

[Amy jones]

12 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Leave, and now, unless there are kids or really intractable financial issues. He sees sex as something to be suppressed till he can't control it, at which point it's apparently okay to quasi-rape you to sate those urges (though it sounds more like he's just using you as a masturbatory tool). Your wishes don't enter into it. As you say, deep psychological issues. If you stay, you'll get slowly, insidiously damaged more than you realise till you collapse completely.

 

One thing though - asexuals fairly often have active libidos. They just don't see satisfying them as something that need involve other people - the whole sharing/intimacy bit is missing from sex for them - which fits with both his masturbation and using-you-as-a-tool behaviour. Obviously rapiness isn't an asexual thing though.

 

 

Do most asexuals with high libido still fantasize and picture themselves doing sexual acts with a partner during masturbation, but don’t actually want it in real life? From a sexual perspective, how do you “get off”? He says he doesn’t watch porn, and I believe him. He says it’s strictly for release. 

[SusannaC]

Leave!

[Guest]

This doesnt sound healthy at all. If you choose to stay together, I would suggest counseling to make sure this change goes in a healthy and not abusive manner. It is so easy to let someone use you because you care about them and feel bad for whatever their reasons are. But you dont deserve it. Using you when you are asleep because he cant repress his sexual urges anymore sounds so dangerous. 

[Acebooklove]

Okay, after reading all of this... I guess I do agree with others, you need to leave. I know you are sympathetic towards him from what you said, but you also have to think of yourself. I was in a relationship two weeks ago. And the whole time I was dreading it. I was sympathetic, and was willing to try it out, but I just couldn´t. We didn´t break up bc of that, that´s something else.  It is not healthy, if you have sexual urges you might as well get a partner that has the same urges. As to what I´ve read and what it seems tried to change but from your update, he sounds hes changing into something to be aware off. I´m sorry. But you are as important as he is, and if he uses you while you are asleep it is something to be concerned off. 

On 1/23/2019 at 3:18 PM, Telecaster68 said:

His orientation is almost irrelevant in your situation though. He's making it a malignant relationship, regardless of reason. 

Agreed. 

[banana monkey]

On 1/23/2019 at 9:12 PM, Amy jones said:

Do most asexuals with high libido still fantasize and picture themselves doing sexual acts with a partner during masturbation, but don’t actually want it in real life? From a sexual perspective, how do you “get off”? He says he doesn’t watch porn, and I believe him. He says it’s strictly for release. 

OK as an asexual i try not to reply to these threads - but  as quoted on this forum many asexuals masturbate - as an asexual - I would say most do not fantasise etc - its mostly we have the urge/feeling and we use the physical stimulation to get rid of it. We may or may not enjoy the physical feeling of it but regardless of whether we are an asexual who does or doesnt we have absolutely no desire whatsoever to involve another person to "get off" as you put it and for quite a few that idea is just meh.  - no. Some of us just dont see the point of involving another kinda like - I can do it myself why involve anyone else Others the idea of involving someone else makes us feel very uncomfortable and  its just like - no thankyou. From what i've seen I would say  the majority asexuals who do masturbate  dont enjoy the process, want it over quite quickly and as he says its just to get off.  - does that help? 

[MrDane]

Anyone who is fucked by a person, who has not received a concious “okay” is victim of rape. If there is an outspoken agreement, that it is okay for him to use you as a masturbation tool or okay to be fucked while hardly awake, then there migth be an exeption. But you have to have had that conversation first. Otherwise it is rape in my book. But while there is also other sexual issues here, like the solo sex and the lack of mutual sexual connection for you, this sounds wrong.

[Amy jones]

On 1/27/2019 at 10:38 AM, banana monkey said:

OK as an asexual i try not to reply to these threads - but  as quoted on this forum many asexuals masturbate - as an asexual - I would say most do not fantasise etc - its mostly we have the urge/feeling and we use the physical stimulation to get rid of it. We may or may not enjoy the physical feeling of it but regardless of whether we are an asexual who does or doesnt we have absolutely no desire whatsoever to involve another person to "get off" as you put it and for quite a few that idea is just meh.  - no. Some of us just dont see the point of involving another kinda like - I can do it myself why involve anyone else Others the idea of involving someone else makes us feel very uncomfortable and  its just like - no thankyou. From what i've seen I would say  the majority asexuals who do masturbate  dont enjoy the process, want it over quite quickly and as he says its just to get off.  - does that help? 

Yes thank you!