Please help. Is my bf asexual?

[Amy jones]

Hi, I want to thank everyone in advance. I am sitting here at 3:45 am and feel like I’ve had an epiphany. I am a sexual woman and have been dating my boyfriend for 1.5 years and for most of that time been living together. In the beginning we did not have sex for 2-3 months although he would sleep over every night. This has nothing to do with religion or believing in waiting for marriage. For the first month or so of having sex he seemed decently interested. As he initiated our first time. He would emphasize that he likes receiving oral. We would have sex maybe 1-2x a week. after the first month it declined drastically. It then went to maybe once every week because I am initiating, then 1-2x a month for the past year or so. I would get frustrated by his lack of desire. I would also like to add that I am physically fit and from a logical standpoint would consider myself sexually attractive to the average male. 

 

Hes expressed to me in his past relationship that lasted 1 year, he never had sex. When I was shocked by this he seemed to come up with reasoning. That she was planning to move, they didn’t see each other too often etc. prior to that he had a gf he said he didn’t sleep with for 8 months straight. His reasoning was that she once cried during sex and this freaked him out.

 

For the past year or so I’ve expressed that i wanted to have more sex, and that I wished he would want it too. For me it seemed counter productive to keep taking about it, as he even stated himself that it just complicates things and “ruins it for him”. He’s told me he was never sexually abused in the past. He never initiates sex. When I do initiate (which is also rarely, because he’s told me he doesn’t like aggressive women) he rejects it half the time. So all in all we end up having sex 1-2 a month. But the problem is not frequency necessarily. It’s more of his apparent lack of desire. Sometimes he will have an erection and have no desire to act on it. When we have sex he wants to get it over with as quickly as possible. He is actually able to finish very quickly, but it’s apparent that he is concentrating. He doesn’t want to pleasure me in any way, no foreplay, or any acts towards me. It’s as if I’ve asked him to do the dishes and he wants to complete the task as quickly as possible. He’s very particular about not getting messy, having everything prepared etc. 

 

he generally doesn’t like talking about anything sexual. When I change in front of him he doesn’t even look. I feel that if I ever sent him a picture of me naked he would not find it amusing in anyway. Perhaps even find it “slutty”. I am pretty certain he is not gay as I can tell he enjoys women. 

 

i will attempt to set up perfect situations for us to have sex (both showered, I’m on birth control, it’s not too late at night, tissues etc) yet he still has no interest. I know he loves me and is “attracted” to me. He likes to cuddle, hold hands all the time and kiss (just pecking) regularly. He’s told me he wants to marry me and has never liked anyone as much as he likes me. I cry myself to sleep about once a week because of how undesired and confused I feel. I can’t talk about it regularly with him because it just “ruins things” as he puts it. I’ve never felt such a lack of desire from a man. It started off as anger, then resentment, and now after coming to this epiphany I feel sympathy. Please help with any advice you might have. 

 

I’d like to mention we both have no financial issues or stressors at work. Have a lot of free time. I’m in my 20’s he’s in his 30’s. He has no biological or erection issues. We literally fall asleep every night holding hands. Thank you for reading. 

[Lord Jade Cross]

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[Grimalkin]

1 hour ago, Amy jones said:

He is actually able to finish very quickly, but it’s apparent that he is concentrating. He doesn’t want to pleasure me in any way, no foreplay, or any acts towards me.

Honestly, this is the part that stood out to me the most. You're telling me that even on those rare occasions when the two of you have sex, he just gets himself off quickly and rolls over to sleep?

 

Girl. Not okay.

 

Look, you've "only" been together for 1.5 years. I know you're living together, but really stop and think about if you would be happy with this state of things for the rest of your life. Because you've communicated your problems with him, and you've tried your best to help him out, and he's not giving much back.

 

1 hour ago, Amy jones said:

I cry myself to sleep about once a week because of how undesired and confused I feel. I can’t talk about it regularly with him because it just “ruins things” as he puts it.

Both of these sentences are so upsetting. A loving partner should be agonizing over the fact that his girlfriend is crying herself to sleep so frequently. He shouldn't be getting pissy because you're "ruining" things with your "feelings."

 

It does sound like he's asexual. But asexuality is not an excuse to be uncaring and unwilling to compromise or communicate. That's just the signs of somebody who's more concerned with himself than his partner. I'm not saying he has to have sex with you to be a good partner, but being a good partner is about mutual respect and not dismissing concerns with a wave of the hand.

 

Just... if you marry this man, it's going to be no sex and poor communication for the rest of your life. Yes, he is affectionate and you love each other. But is that enough to make up for the other things that will not change?

[ryn2]

16 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

You're telling me that even on those rare occasions when the two of you have sex, he just gets himself off quickly and rolls over to sleep?

 

Girl. Not okay.

Not to give him a pass on poor communication but I’m a lot older than he is and it wasn’t until I started doing a lot of reading here that I discovered that this - getting to the O as efficiently as possible - *wasn’t* most people’s sex goal.  It wasn’t something I realized might be seen as inconsiderate.

 

18 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

A loving partner should be agonizing over the fact that his girlfriend is crying herself to sleep so frequently.

Certainly true *if he knows*.  A fair amount of crying oneself to sleep happens in secret/after the partner is already asleep, though.

[TheAP]

Moved from Questions about Asexuality to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality mod

[NickyTannock]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

It sounds like he's Asexual but doesn't know it, and that's why he's making rationalisations.
From what you describe, he experiences Aesthetic Attraction, Romantic Attraction, and Sensual Attraction, but doesn't experience Sexual Attraction.
Meaning he likely loves you very much but unlike a Sexual person, won't see Sex as important.
Unfortunately, people who are Asexual but don't know it will often reject the idea that they are Asexual when confronted with it until they read what other Asexuals have written.
And you'll need to get over that hurdle together first before you can begin to find the happy median in your relationship.
That being the case, my suggestion is to show him this, http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/

And encourage him to join these forums and talk to other Asexuals.

 

[Grimalkin]

4 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Not to give him a pass on poor communication but I’m a lot older than he is and it wasn’t until I started doing a lot of reading here that I discovered that this - getting to the O as efficiently as possible - *wasn’t* most people’s sex goal.  It wasn’t something I realized might be seen as inconsiderate.

I'm not so sure I want to give him a pass on this one. I would if he was, say, 16. But mid 30s is old enough to realize that your partner would like to orgasm too.

 

As for the crying part, well, sure, maybe he doesn't know. But she's communicated a lot that she's unhappy, and he just says that it "ruins things" when they try to talk about it. So the crying will continue.

 

I naturally feel for asexuals who are struggling to figure themselves out, but I'm not quite as sympathetic towards people who are dismissive of their partner's feelings and desires.

[Amy jones]

I am so grateful for all your comments! I am really not the type of person to put my problems on display or even chat in forums like this but I am desperate. 

 

Something I’d like to mention is I don’t feel like I’ve communicated very clearly to him, and when I did it was coming from a critical standpoint because I was hurt, and I realize now that if this is the case for him then I feel terrible about that. I’ve never discussed my sexual needs and likes because I can tell it makes him uncomfortable, and in turn made me feel awkward. He doesn’t know I cry myself to sleep at all. 

 

The reason why I know it doesn’t come from a bad place is because he makes other changes that aren’t related to sex and much willing to compromise and please me (being on the phone less, cleaning, tone of voice when he’s upset). So I know he’s willing to do things to make me happy. Intellectually and emotionally I feel we are such a good match, but after this possible realization I can’t help but feel less sexually attracted to him knowing he is never really sexually attracted to me. That feels awful to say. After reading about this all night it just makes a lot more sense. This is going to be so hard to bring up to him, and I think he will take it very offensively. 

 

Hes also mentioned to me in the past that he thinks he’s more “evolved” and less “animalistic” and just doesn’t feel the same as other horny men. 

 

At first I thought these were abandonment issues from his childhood. Since he did enjoy sex in the beginning, although short lived. He is also very very much against anything he believes to be “perverted”. If he sees a guy hitting on my friend at the bar in an inappropriate way he will go out of his way to “protect” her and make sure he knows this isn’t ok. The idea of me having a male masseuse literally makes him lose his shit. It’s not in a “you’re my property way” either. It’s hard to explain. 

 

He hates the idea of me wearing a bathing suit in public, as he feels men are looking and they’re having “perverted thoughts”. I don’t know if this has anything to do with anything, but just an observation. For the record I still wear bathing suits in public I just know how it makes him feel. Thanks again for the replies. 

[Grimalkin]

1 minute ago, Amy jones said:

Hes also mentioned to me in the past that he thinks he’s more “evolved” and less “animalistic” and just doesn’t feel the same as other horny men.

Aha, my least favorite thing to hear from asexual people. It's a personal pet peeve of mine when asexual folk claim to be "superior" to allosexual people. Yes, yes, you're so enlightened, I'm sure. Very puritanical.

 

3 minutes ago, Amy jones said:

He is also very very much against anything he believes to be “perverted”. If he sees a guy hitting on my friend at the bar in an inappropriate way he will go out of his way to “protect” her and make sure he knows this isn’t ok. The idea of me having a male masseuse literally makes him lose his shit. It’s not in a “you’re my property way” either. It’s hard to explain.  

 

He hates the idea of me wearing a bathing suit in public, as he feels men are looking and they’re having “perverted thoughts”.

It's hard to suggest reading up on "white knights," because you'll get a lot of low-quality, meme-filled content, but he's veering in that direction. This kind of behavior may be related to, but is not caused by, asexuality. It's tied into the idea above about a lack of sex being somehow more "pure," and that women are purer than men because they are "above their base urges." It's putting purity on a pedestal. It's not necessarily a red flag, but I've been friends with a guy who thought like this and it turned me way the hell off. Said friend once refused to hand over the copy of The Dresden Files that his brother said I could borrow because "those novels are basically porn" (gasp!). He saw it as his duty to protect my innocent mind from the dark thoughts of men.

 

11 minutes ago, Amy jones said:

Since he did enjoy sex in the beginning, although short lived.

This is fairly typical of asexual people. I did the same thing in my relationships. New relationships are exciting! When you're romantically attracted to someone, you want to be close to them! You desire intimacy. But over time the energy faded, and I felt more intimate after a good cuddling session than after any sexual activities.

 

Look, I really can't tell you what to do. But this isn't going to change. Likely the most authentic sex you will ever get out of him will be the desperation sex if you say you want to split up.

 

My last relationship was a great one. We were perfect in every way for each other, except he had a really high libido. I tried to keep up with him, but it just made me dread coming to see him because I knew we would "have" to have sex. In the end, even though everything else was perfect, I broke up with him over sexual incompatibility alone. It was really hard, but if we had stayed together, ten years down the line neither of us would have been happy.

 

Talk it out with him. If you feel that you could handle limited-to-no sex for the rest of your life, then that's your choice. Good luck.

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Grimalkin said:

I'm not so sure I want to give him a pass on this one. I would if he was, say, 16. But mid 30s is old enough to realize that your partner would like to orgasm too.

Makes sense.  I took OP’s post to mean that her partner wanted to get the whole thing over with (meaning both of them to orgasm, at least unless she’d said she didn’t care about that) as fast as possible.

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Grimalkin said:

But she's communicated a lot that she's unhappy, and he just says that it "ruins things" when they try to talk about it.

I guess I’m less quick to judge on this because I’ve seen so many cases where people think they’ve talked effectively with their partners but have actually argued, hinted, or talked past one another.

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Amy jones said:

Hes also mentioned to me in the past that he thinks he’s more “evolved” and less “animalistic” and just doesn’t feel the same as other horny men. 

This is actually what my (non-ace) former therapist insists is true.  It’s part of why I no longer feel comfortable seeing her.

[anisotrophic]

1 hour ago, Amy jones said:

I can’t help but feel less sexually attracted to him knowing he is never really sexually attracted to me. That feels awful to say.

This totally happens.

 

The hard thing is, you're still sexual and you're going to feel attraction again, at some point – I think it's going to have to go somewhere.

 

1 hour ago, Amy jones said:

Hes also mentioned to me in the past that he thinks he’s more “evolved” and less “animalistic” and just doesn’t feel the same as other horny men. 

Ugggh shaming sexuality is horrible. Shaming asexuality is horrible. Nobody should live with either.

It sounds like you've come to an understanding that his state may be something he can't help – and maybe he'll reach an epiphany himself about understanding you. If not, there's a lot of badness here that indicates you would be better off disentangling if it's not resolved.

[Amy jones]

3 hours ago, MichaelTannock said:

Welcome to AVEN!

 

It sounds like he's Asexual but doesn't know it, and that's why he's making rationalisations.
From what you describe, he experiences Aesthetic Attraction, Romantic Attraction, and Sensual Attraction, but doesn't experience Sexual Attraction.
Meaning he likely loves you very much but unlike a Sexual person, won't see Sex as important.
Unfortunately, people who are Asexual but don't know it will often reject the idea that they are Asexual when confronted with it until they read what other Asexuals have written.
And you'll need to get over that hurdle together first before you can begin to find the happy median in your relationship.
That being the case, my suggestion is to show him this, http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/

And encourage him to join these forums and talk to other Asexuals.

 

Thank you so much. I will look into this book. 

[Amy jones]

1 hour ago, Grimalkin said:

Aha, my least favorite thing to hear from asexual people. It's a personal pet peeve of mine when asexual folk claim to be "superior" to allosexual people. Yes, yes, you're so enlightened, I'm sure. Very puritanical.

 

It's hard to suggest reading up on "white knights," because you'll get a lot of low-quality, meme-filled content, but he's veering in that direction. This kind of behavior may be related to, but is not caused by, asexuality. It's tied into the idea above about a lack of sex being somehow more "pure," and that women are purer than men because they are "above their base urges." It's putting purity on a pedestal. It's not necessarily a red flag, but I've been friends with a guy who thought like this and it turned me way the hell off. Said friend once refused to hand over the copy of The Dresden Files that his brother said I could borrow because "those novels are basically porn" (gasp!). He saw it as his duty to protect my innocent mind from the dark thoughts of men.

 

This is fairly typical of asexual people. I did the same thing in my relationships. New relationships are exciting! When you're romantically attracted to someone, you want to be close to them! You desire intimacy. But over time the energy faded, and I felt more intimate after a good cuddling session than after any sexual activities.

 

Look, I really can't tell you what to do. But this isn't going to change. Likely the most authentic sex you will ever get out of him will be the desperation sex if you say you want to split up.

 

My last relationship was a great one. We were perfect in every way for each other, except he had a really high libido. I tried to keep up with him, but it just made me dread coming to see him because I knew we would "have" to have sex. In the end, even though everything else was perfect, I broke up with him over sexual incompatibility alone. It was really hard, but if we had stayed together, ten years down the line neither of us would have been happy.

 

Talk it out with him. If you feel that you could handle limited-to-no sex for the rest of your life, then that's your choice. Good luck.

Thank you for your comments, it’s very helpful. The white knight thing makes a lot of sense, a lot of his behavior is like this. I can’t help but feel so much sympathy for him considering that he’s confused himself. My anger and resentment has turned into sympathy. I guess I have to first really find out if it’s very low libido vs asexuality. But after reading all this it really sounds like the latter. 

[NickyTannock]

I'm not a medical expert, but I think you can find out by having his testosterone levels checked.
If he has a low libido, then I believe his levels will be low.
Whereas if he's Asexual, they would be normal.

[Amy jones]

Your comment about the most passionate sex we’ll have is break up sex is spot on. This has happened before. It left me feeling more empty. He was acting overly passionate, and at the end left me feeling like I raped him. 

[Guest]

It sounds like he is asexual, maybe. But, asexual doesnt mean thinks negatively of sexuals by default. Which he seems to.

 

He sounds elitist in his views, which would make it hard to work with. 

 

But, you did say he likes oral ? Have you tried suggesting mutual oral over regular piv to see if he likes that more ? He may be repulsed by sex, thus trying to end it by getting off, hoping you are done and that is enough. 

 

If you havent told him explicitly you want an orgasm, he might not realizex as media makes fun of the fact women dont orgasm from sex and sadly many asexuals get a lot about sex from media. 

 

 

[Amy jones]

At this point I can’t picture myself having sex this infrequently for the rest of my life. But from a positive perspective this is originally the reason why I was attracted to him. I grew up with a womanizer father who had multiple affairs (with someone younger and more attractive) and broke up the family. I’ve been sexually abused in the past. With him I felt he had such a high moral compass and strong self control.  Was not using me for sex, and have no doubts that he wouldnt cheat on me in the future. Now that I realize it’s likely because he doesn’t have much interest in sex altogether I feel a strong sense of security and relief. I was originally displaying anger and resentment because it was obviously triggering my insecurities due to my past. I’m trying to see the silver lining but unsure if I can compensate one thing for the other. 

[Amy jones]

23 minutes ago, Serran said:

It sounds like he is asexual, maybe. But, asexual doesnt mean thinks negatively of sexuals by default. Which he seems to.

 

He sounds elitist in his views, which would make it hard to work with. 

 

But, you did say he likes oral ? Have you tried suggesting mutual oral over regular piv to see if he likes that more ? He may be repulsed by sex, thus trying to end it by getting off, hoping you are done and that is enough. 

 

If you havent told him explicitly you want an orgasm, he might not realizex as media makes fun of the fact women dont orgasm from sex and sadly many asexuals get a lot about sex from media. 

 

 

That’s a good suggestion. I’m now thinking he really enjoys oral because 1. He knows he “has” to have sex, and this helps him get an erection as it’s physicially stimulating. 2.if he gets oral then he knows the actual time he’s expected to be having intercourses is less. I now realize he only gets erections when he is physically touched. I was thinking about suggesting not having intercourse and just having foreplay, thinking maybe that will take the pressure off of him. He is definitely elitist in his views, I think that comes from his alpha female mother that never let him be right. 

[Guest]

I, personally, found I dont enjoy oral, anal or PiV. I do enjoy most of what you consider foreplay. I havent had traditional sex in ... 2 years. Or little more. And I am very happy about it. That is very stressful for me. My spouse is the same, so it works. But just having the pressure for more removed made me really enjoy the parts I do like. 

 

So it could work to remove the pressure and maybe you would get a more willing partner for some things. If the some things could work for you as compromise, anyway. I know some need the PiV type sex. 

 

Also, not every time having to involve him directly could help. As in, he gets you off but doesnt have to perform. Sometimes that is fun for people if the stress to be in the mood themselves is off. 

[Lara Black]

Hello, @Amy jones

No matter how we call it – asexual or not – there is a big problem in your relationships: you want passionate, mutually enjoyable sex and he doesn’t. There is no sense in hoping that he would change – the things are the way they are. Accepting this is the first step.

10 hours ago, Amy jones said:

I can’t talk about it regularly with him because it just “ruins things” as he puts it. I’ve never felt such a lack of desire from a man. It started off as anger, then resentment...

Tough luck – being undesired ruins things for you. You might not talk about it regularly, but it seems that you need to talk things through thoroughly and in detail – so you both understand where each stands, what each of you needs, can and can’t do, what are your perspectives etc. Maybe even go to couples' counselling. What you describe now seems more a temporary situation - you need to understand what the permanent one will be.

[SusannaC]

My advice:  don’t marry- run fast and far.  He has shown you who he is and what he wants in the relationship.  Things won’t improve and you will need to to suppress your own sexuality to make it work.

[anamikanon]

He doesn't want sex. You want it. So why in the world are you focused on his penis with oral sex and what not? Get over the penis already. There are other ways to get fantastic orgasms that could be possible for him. Say for him to stimulate you. Heck give you oral instead of asking for it, but if he is repulsed, that may be too much, but there are fingers, toys. The biggest sex organ is the brain. His attitude will matter.

 

That said, what worries me about your post is the implication of controlling behavior. That you imagine he'd see you as slutty if you do something. This is a much bigger problem. Very often, people are not able to identify controlling behavior. Particularly the victims of it. One thing you learn fast in counselling is to identify flags and this would count as one. Your imagined response is a humiliating judgment on you. Now why would anyone expect that in a loving relationship? Such expectations come from extrapolating existing behavior. You may not be able to recognize it as abusive, but there is a fine line being crossed here.

 

Him not wanting to have sex is fine. Him judging you for something you do is not. Him finding a sexually provocative message from you distasteful is his personal experience and expression. You being a bad person for sending it at all is not. Approval/disapproval is a way of controlling your behavior. This sort of a thing rarely decreases and will only escalate the longer it exists. Rarely, it may be possible to confront and educate him toward more responsible behavior, but if it were within your capabilities, you wouldn't be controlled to begin with. He holds the power in your relationship. Heck, even when he doesn't want sex, specifics discussed about sex are about him getting sex, whereas you want sex and are frustrated. Doesn't scream "don't care" louder than that.

 

A counsellor may be useful, but frankly, it would be throwing good time after bad. You may want to simply dump him unless he has any redeeming qualities that make years of trauma and waiting for him to get his act together - IF he ever does it - worthwhile. So far, he isn't coming across as particularly nice.

[Amy jones]

On 8/2/2018 at 1:16 PM, Telecaster68 said:

It might be that as your recovery progresses, his lack of interest plays on those insecurities more rather than less. 

Thank you for all the input. I wanted to update everyone on my conversation with him. It was very difficult and awkward for me to even bring up the topic but it happened to be the right moment as we were watching TV and the topic of sex came up casually. I then just blurted it out there, awkwardly. “Hey do you actually like sex? Like intercourse specifically. I’ve heard of a lot of people liking other parts of sex but not particularly fond of intercourse”. He then chuckled and said yes i do like having sex. I replied oh, then particularly having sex with me? I mean I’m not implying anything but having sex 1-2x a month for our age, no kids etc isn’t the norm. He then became obviously uncomfortable and tried to answer my questions. I brought up that some people are asexual or somewhere in between and that it’s ok if he is. 

 

Honestly as many times as I’ve practiced the conversation in my head it didn’t come out the way I wanted it to. He said he’s not, and that he just doesn’t make sex a prority. That I could understand, but still I wasn’t satisfied. I asked what he thinks the problem might be. He said he’s use to not having a lot of sex being single in the past etc and maybe he got use to it. I still wasn’t satisfied and kept digging. I could tell he was getting frustrated. He then said something that really upset me, whether I have the right to be upset or not I’m not sure. I did ask him I guess, I should have been prepared for all answers.  All this time I thought he didn’t enjoy sex, or thought he might bring up the idea of him having low testosterone or libido. But he said well I’m a visual person, and when you’re at home in your glasses and sweats that doesn’t make me particularly horny. I tried to keep my

cool and asked, ok well then when should we be having sex? As I don’t plan to sit at home with a full face of make up on and heels. 

 

This struck a cord in me. I was shocked at the fact that he tried to put it on me, I wasn’t expecting that and I became defensive. Im going to be truly straight forward. I am not an unattractive girl, even when I’m not wearing make up with glasses. I get more compliments from his friends than him. Innocent comments like “oh wow you look really good tonight!” To “Hes a lucky guy!” I barley wear make up when I am “made up”. I am saying this considering that he is not here to defend himself and want to portay this situation honestly as possible for the most accurate feedback. When I am at work wearing glasses and less made up I get hit on by salesmen and doctors frequently. He’s implied that he doesn’t think I look great in glasses in the past. But to me this was a low thing to say. Please tell me if you think I’m being unnecessarily offended because I am the one asked him. This caused a big fight and he then tried to take back his words, and reiterated that he thinks I’m pretty. He then said maybe if you wore lingerie or something. I mean.... really? That would

fix everything? 

 

I then said I’ve never wanted to try anything of that sort because I’m afraid of your reaction. I could picture myself sending a nude photo to you and you being repulsed by it. He said yeah you’re right, I would be. Not because I don’t want to see you naked but because I don’t want my significant other to be the type of person to send nude photos, it’s trashy. I became really upset and told him I can’t believe he’s turning this on me, knowing how bad I’ve already felt about this situation and that was his first logical response. I’ll admit I then became irrational and said well this actually solves the issue because now I don’t want to have sex with you anymore, so problem solved. But what do you guys think about this response? 

[Amy jones]

I wanted to update everyone on my conversation with him. It was very difficult and awkward for me to even bring up the topic but it happened to be the right moment as we were watching TV and the topic of sex came up casually. I then just blurted it out there, awkwardly. “Hey do you actually like sex? Like intercourse specifically. I’ve heard of a lot of people liking other parts of sex but not particularly fond of intercourse”. He then chuckled and said yes i do like having sex. I replied oh, then particularly having sex with me? I mean I’m not implying anything but having sex 1-2x a month for our age, no kids etc isn’t the norm. He then became obviously uncomfortable and tried to answer my questions. I brought up that some people are asexualor somewhere in between and that it’s ok if he is. 

 

Honestly as many times as I’ve practiced the conversation in my head it didn’t come out the way I wanted it to. He said he’s not, and that he just doesn’t make sex a prority. That I could understand, but still I wasn’t satisfied. I asked what he thinks the problem might be. He said he’s use to not having a lot of sex being single in the past etc and maybe he got use to it. I still wasn’t satisfied and kept digging. I could tell he was getting frustrated. He then said something that really upset me, whether I have the right to be upset or not I’m not sure. I did ask him I guess, I should have been prepared for all answers.  All this time I thought he didn’t enjoy sex, or thought he might bring up the idea of him having low testosterone or libido. But he said well I’m a visual person, and when you’re at home in your glasses and sweats that doesn’t make me particularly horny. I tried to keep my

cool and asked, ok well then when should we be having sex? As I don’t plan to sit at home with a full face of make up on and heels. 

 

This struck a cord in me. I was shocked at the fact that he tried to put it on me, I wasn’t expecting that and I became defensive. Im going to be truly straight forward. I am not an unattractive girl, even when I’m not wearing make up with glasses. I get more compliments from his friends than him. Innocent comments like “oh wow you look really good tonight!” To “Hes a lucky guy!” I barley wear make up when I am “made up”. I am saying this considering that he is not here to defend himself and want to portay this situation honestly as possible for the most accurate feedback. When I am at work wearing glasses and less made up I get hit on bysalesmen and doctors frequently. He’s implied that he doesn’t think I look great in glasses in the past. But to me this was a low thing to say. Please tell me if you think I’m being unnecessarily offended because I am the one asked him. This caused a big fight and he then tried to take back his words, and reiterated that he thinks I’m pretty. He then said maybe if you wore lingerie or something. I mean.... really? That would

fix everything? 

 

I then said I’ve never wanted to try anything of that sort because I’m afraid of your reaction. I could picture myself sending a nude photo to you and you being repulsed by it. He said yeah you’re right, I would be. Not because I don’t want to see you naked but because I don’t want my significant other to be the type of person to send nude photos, it’s trashy. I became really upset and told him I can’t believe he’s turning this on me, knowing how bad I’ve already felt about this situation and that was his first logical response. I’ll admit I then became irrational and said well this actually solves the issue because now I don’t want to have sex with you anymore, so problem solved. But what do you guys think about this response? 

[ryn2]

2 hours ago, Amy jones said:

that was his first logical response.

From what you describe it wasn’t, though.  You were far enough into questioning (and questioning the answers you were getting) that he was starting to get upset.  At that point in a discussion things are bound to get less productive.

 

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

The whole 'maybe if you wore lingerie or something' is flailing too. I know I'm not particularly visual (especially for a guy) but really, for most sexuals, it's not about the imagery, it's about the person, and closeness (physical and emotional), sometimes almost habit.

Hm.  This is actually one of the big places my (sexual) partner and I are hung up right now, as he has a definite type and it’s always been “20 and in lingerie”... which has never been me.  Apparently it’s a bigger deal to some guys than others.

 

I’d take the whole thing more as “you think I’m not trying?  You’re not trying either,” though.

[anisotrophic]

Why doesn't he buy her some lingerie then? 🤨

[ryn2]

20 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

If she stopped at that point, it'd be even less productive.

Permanently, yes, but it might have worked better to table it and come back.

 

21 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Yep, it is. But even the ones who have a 'type' like that surely don't only have sex when those tight (and borderline impossible) conditions are met, do they?

Hard to say in my case.

[ryn2]

36 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Sure, a couple of times, and maybe try a different tone, timing, etc., but I'm getting the picture it's always going to be like that. If that's the case, tough shit - this is a problem for one partner so it's a problem for both. If one wants to talk about it, the other has to find a way to deal with that, just as a sexual has to find a way to deal with no sex, if that's what the asexual wants. 

I’m not saying the approach was bad, just that when someone feels cornered comments like the one she got about how it would help if she “tried harder” tend to happen.  She was wondering why he would say something like that - probably because he felt cornered.