Progress report

[anisotrophic]

TLDR: I think this mostly ended up being a thank-you post.

I'm thankful for these forums. This is the first time in my life I made an anonymous identity. At first it didn't help much to hang out here. I didn't know anyone & there wasn't much for anyone to say to me. But over time I got to see how other experiences played out, the common themes.

Ah, like, when @Telecaster68 said something like "ah no, it's sad to see when that happens" when I was losing attraction to my spouse despite him being willing – because knowing I wasn't & couldn't be attractive so disrupted my own attraction. I think that helped convince me to push to keep trying to get comfortable with intimacy again, and I'm glad I did. (My LGBTQIA+ therapist said I was doing "exposure therapy" on myself. smh.) And then! I saw it happen to others! Seeing I was part of a general pattern – even if the endpoints on the journeys differ – that contextualization made me feel less isolated.

Oh and @Lara Black pointing out sex can be, um, not so traditional. At first I thought, "That is too weird. I can't imagine feeling okay with that." But hearing that nudged me to learn to like it more, and that was good.

And @ryn2 chiming in, when I try to digest how my partner thinks, saying something like "yeah, that sounds like a good analogy to me". Sometimes it was hard to understand my partner. (Example: why would he say he wants us to continue having sex if he's not experiencing attraction? Because he would be sad for me to lose something that made me happy.) Finding consistent narratives helped assure me that my partner loves me.

And I saw how lucky I was, to have communication and compromise and caring. I mean sure, it kind of sucked, but it was good to be reminded that my pity party was not so impressive. 😂

It was interesting to learn how common it is for gender identity to entangle with asexuality. I still don't know how it intersects with an allo partner's gender identity. Maybe that was just me. I do think (unwittingly) having an ace partner pushed me past a tipping point on gender identity, but... maybe I was already on that path. Maybe that's why I was comfortable with him as a partner. (But damn it, I thought he was bi! Didn't realize this was a possibility at the time.)

And I've enjoyed learning about the research – reading books, sometimes digging out a paper – and the opportunities to share that. (And shout out to @Pramana for posts about research. Not that he hangs out in this s-e-x-y subforum. But thank you. And I still like learning things.)

And then I was bizarrely knowledgeable when someone else close to me came out! ("I have books!" I said. "Uh, sounds like you know more than me," they said, chagrined.) Kind of weird but I'm glad, maybe that was a lucky coincidence.

It's nice to think maybe I can be another person that might give a helpful piece of advice to someone, and pay it forward. And that brings a new type of joy to my life.

[ryn2]

I definitely find your comments helpful and thought-provoking as well.

[Lara Black]

Thanks for your thanks.) I’m happy to know my comments are helpful.)

I’m very glad things are going in a generally good direction for you.)