Sexual here looking for ideas/support/enlightenment

[ryn2]

18 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Compromise is really tricky:  If A wants sex every other day, and B wants it twice a month - there are lots of ways to "average" and they may feel very unfair to one or the other. 

Also, for some people, it’s not “B wants it twice a month”... it’s more like “B thinks twice a month is doable.”  B probably actually wants it never, unless A and B are sexuals with differences in drive.

[ryn2]

22 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Its easy to say that a relationship with a mismatch should end, but often other parts of it are great.

Agreed, this is part of what I meant about priorities in other threads.  For some people nothing outranks sexual compatibility priority-wise, and for them ending the relationship will always be best, but others may prioritize other things in life higher.  There is no one best answer for everyone.

[InProgress]

29 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Agreed, this is part of what I meant about priorities in other threads.  For some people nothing outranks sexual compatibility priority-wise, and for them ending the relationship will always be best, but others may prioritize other things in life higher.  There is no one best answer for everyone.

This, I think, leads back to the prospect of marriages having to open. I bet most people, if they're able to come from a place of openness and rationality, would not want their mismatch to be unfair where one partner is having their needs met and the other is not. Whether that need is sex for the sexual or no sex for the asexual/lower drive partner. Of course that decision should be a careful and thought out one, with expectations and boundaries clearly expressed and mutually accepted, but that option does offer the best case scenario for a win/win if staying together is a high priority for both parties.

[ryn2]

23 minutes ago, InProgress said:

[...]that option does offer the best case scenario for a win/win if staying together is a high priority for both parties.

If both parties are naturally poly or at least poly-friendly, sure.  If either party is not, not so much.

[InProgress]

7 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

If both parties are naturally poly or at least poly-friendly, sure.  If either party is not, not so much.

Yeah, I get that. But if if the lower sex driven/asexual partner is not open to opening and also not meeting in the middle somewhere with their sexual partner, it goes right back to one partner having it all their "way" which is really dysfunctional no matter what the issue is and then you have to wonder why a person would choose to stay in that dynamic. I mean, I know there are LOTS of reasons why a person would, but yet it is bound to be misery for one or both people in that situation and I don't think that's actually love then but more likely co-dependence or something. That is just my own opinion though and believe me, I'm not judging anybody. 

[LadyOracle]

I don't believe that works long-term. At least I think for some people they'll still miss having sex with their partner. Personally I didn't mind my ex having sex with others, but that didn't change the fact that he felt rejected by me. 

[ryn2]

I wasn’t even just meaning the ace partner.  If the sexual partner is not naturally poly, opening the relationship is basically saying “I’m here until something better comes along.”

[ryn2]

2 minutes ago, LadyOracle said:

I don't believe that works long-term. At least I think for some people they'll still miss having sex with their partner. Personally I didn't mind my ex having sex with others, but that didn't change the fact that he felt rejected by me. 

Yeah, that’s another risk with a sexual who is not naturally poly.

[InProgress]

@LadyOracle and @ryn2 very good points.

[uhtred]

1 hour ago, LadyOracle said:

I don't believe that works long-term. At least I think for some people they'll still miss having sex with their partner. Personally I didn't mind my ex having sex with others, but that didn't change the fact that he felt rejected by me. 

Yes that is the problem. For many sexual people sex / romance / love are all tied together.  The can't just "get their sex somewhere else".  Of course for many asexuals, sex is just this thing that some people do, but with  no connection to love. 

 

Then there is just the big gap in libidos.  Some people view sex and connected to love and want that every day.  Others feel the same connection, but want that connection only every few weeks.