Sexual here looking for ideas/support/enlightenment

[Guest]

14 minutes ago, SusannaC said:

I suppose once upon a time I may have reminded my partner that “things suck” when I was angry....that would have been a way to lash out in anger at the helplessness of the Situation.  Did not help and was destructive of course.

Even if not angry, constantly reminding someone "Btw, I know we can do nothing about any of this, but I'm still very unhappy and miserable with you, just thought you should know that" is ... probably going to be destructive. 

 

Of course, one can absolutely feel that they need to talk about it. But, if you need to keep bringing it up, maybe you're not actually OK with it and maybe you should rethink the decision to stay with the unchanging situation to begin with. Because, poking away at your partner's self-esteem and reminding them how unhappy you are being with them isn't going to help anything, it's just going to hurt long-term. 

 

Like Ryn's example of weight. Going "Hey, you're fat and I wish you weren't" is 1) Going to make the partner feel bad about their body 2) Make the partner feel "less than" to ryn. And 3) Do absolutely nothing for ryn, since they aren't going to lose weight - in fact, poking holes in self-esteem like that is more likely to make them gain more weight as they care less about themselves and will be less inclined to change anything for health.

 

As for friends - if that's not an option, there are support groups, forums, message boards, etc to find people with similar issues to relate to. As I mentioned earlier, there are also journals to express feelings instead of bottling them up. There are plenty of ways to vent, without venting to the person that is the "problem" after you've accepted the "problem" isn't going to change and you've still decided to stay with it. I adore my spouse, I'm not about to say "I accept you for who you are, I can deal with this" and then go on harping at them about how much it's hurting me, cause that's not accepting... that's wanting them to feel guilty to make me feel better about giving something up. And, years of that is going to make them very insecure in our relationship, upset and feel like there isn't much of a point cause I'm never going to be happy with them. 

 

Now, that isn't to say you can't bring up the subject occasionally to see if anything new can be input into it. But, if there is nothing new, well... back to the same place.

 

And that also doesn't mean you have to hide your feelings or whatever. My partner notices when I get quiet. They know why. I don't need to tell them. We've discussed it to death already. But, there isn't anything they can do about it, so of course it's "ignored" - but not really, they feel bad that they know they are hurting me, I'm not going to make them feel worse by focusing on it. 

 

Edit: But, we're taking away from the focus of the OP. They haven't reached this point yet (I don't think). They can still have lots of talks to figure out where they are together. 

[SusannaC]

For the asexual in my life, sex is not relevant.  Sex is never thought about and has no purpose in his egocentric life.  Perhaps this is normal?  I don’t know if it is- but I find the cause to be hopeless after so many years.     

[SG100084]

5 hours ago, ryn2 said:

T

5 hours ago, ryn2 said:

For example, suppose my partner has “let themselves go.”  When we first got together they were active and athletic, but a combination of aging, competing demands, health challenges, and even perhaps a bit of flagging willpower or complacency has led to extra pounds and fewer muscles.

 

They know “my type” isn’t “pleasantly chubby.” 

 

This made me a little angry, to be honest, as it suggests a complete failure to understand how stress affects weight.

Was looking at photos of myself a decade ago, and seeing how healthy I looked compared to now, when the years of rejection by my wife really began to set in. Lack of intimacy for a sexually motivated person will cause them to 
a) go into survival mode, whereby the body stores fat
b) finds "comforts" such as stimulants and food.

The motivator for me finally having to take the bull by the horns and insist that my marriage was either open or over was very much related to my increasing awareness that I needed to do something about my health, and that meant doing something about my sexual health.

My wife has used the "let yourself go" as an excuse for denying me sex for some years, and been completely unable to understand that the denial of sex has been one of the main reasons for the decline in my appearance. She didn't want sex when I was hot so why bother? Making an effort became depressing.

Now just 2 weeks into an affair I've lost a load of weight already and my self-esteem is through the roof. I'm no longer the miserable middle aged guy nobody wants to f..k. It turns out there are quite a few people who want to and I'm walking proud again, looking and feeling great. At some point somebody outside my marriage is going to comment on it.

 

[SusannaC]

SG sounds angry and I do understand.  Been there.  Not to applaud having an affair, but I understand the diminished self esteem... I also gained weight and let myself go after several years of rejection.  I was heavier than I had ever been, and just didn’t care!   

[ryn2]

31 minutes ago, SG100084 said:

This made me a little angry, to be honest, as it suggests a complete failure to understand how stress affects weight.

I was just giving tele a (hypothetical,) non-sex-related example of why periodically venting to/at a partner over something they’re doubtless aware of isn’t helpful.  I wasn’t speaking of my own partner, who prefers “he” to they...

 

...hence the “suppose.”  Sorry that wasn’t clear.

[anisotrophic]

So um, hoping this helps @Missnova – just a suggested idea for compromise (and not a unique one) in case you want to float this idea to your partner

Sometimes I ask my partner to hold me while I masturbate. At first this felt weird or upsetting... but um... I got used to it. (As an aside, I also got better at solo DIY stuff... I think this also helps...)

It's one way for me to experience sexual intimacy with my partner while not placing pressure on him to perform any sex acts beyond holding me, which makes me feel okay & accepted & loved when experiencing my sexual desires. Often it escalates to more stuff, but not always.

[Missnova]

Wow. Thanks guys! That’s an amazingly overwhelming amount of replies. I never expected to generate quite such a substantial discussion. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and opinions - I’ve learnt a fair bit from it. 

 

Update on my my particular situation: spoke to my girl today in a rather gentle but heartfelt conversation. I mentioned that I’d been reading and learning as much as I could to try and understand things from her perspective. My frustration is not so much the lack of sex, more from the lack of her trying to understand it from my side of the fence. She had never considered compromises such as “sex dates” where we schedule it in on an agreed date. Said she wanted some time to think about everything I’d said. I stressed the fact that I struggle when i feel urges and then suppress them because I don’t want to pressure her. She asked me not to keep this to myself and said that she can see when I’m hurting and that makes her hurt. She said she knows how much talking about things help me and is good for my mental health and insisted I talk about this. She was very reassuring and so sweet in her response. All in all I feel like this was a step forward for us and I am curious to see what happens next. 

 

Thank you all again. Reading your responses really helped me approach this topic today in such a constructive manner

[anamikanon]

There are several positives I see here.

 

On 7/29/2018 at 4:51 PM, Missnova said:

Initially this was a shock to me, and like most other sexuals I took it personally. After a few difficult conversations and some time apart (she’s not very expressive at the best of times when it comes to emotions and desires) she helped me understand that it had absolutely nothing to do with me and has been an issue in all her previous relationships. 

You are already not taking it personally. She is aware and skilled enough to ensure that you don't go down that road. Many of us have struggled with this.

 

On 7/29/2018 at 4:51 PM, Missnova said:

While I can’t ever fully understand asexuality having never been asexual, I feel that I understand it well enough to accept that this is a part of her just as being sexual is a part of me. Neither of us are “broken” or “damaged” or “wrong”. It’s just another aspect of us as individuals and as a couple. 

Mutual acceptance and respect matters. You two seem to have that nailed.

 

On 7/29/2018 at 4:51 PM, Missnova said:

She does a lot in terms of trying to match my communication and other forms of intimacy. She’s constantly cooking for me and doing little things for me. I love this and I know this her love language. She’s working on her communication and has grown so much since we met. 

One of the biggest challenges for sexuals is feeling unloved when their ace doesn't like sex with them. You have learned to recognize her love in other actions. Also it seems like both of you are evolving constantly and refining your abilities to handle problems. One of my mantras in life is "There is no such thing as perfection. A good goal is continuous improvement".

 

On 7/29/2018 at 4:51 PM, Missnova said:

I know she struggles with her own perceived pressure every so often where she feels like she isn’t good enough for me because she doesn’t want to engage in sexual intimacy. I try not to put any pressure on her when my desires are running higher, but I’m also afraid of talking about what I’d like because I don’t want her to feel pressured. I don’t want her to do anything she doesn’t want to do. 

It is your turn to reassure her. One thing that has helped my relationship with my ace is both of us being able to talk about our sexual desires (or lack of them) freely without it becoming about the other person. So I can discuss my sexual frustration with him as much as I want without it implying that it is his responsibility. It helped me a lot that I could at least talk about it with him, as opposed to the quiet suffocation many sexuals in relationships with aces describe. Specific things I did that helped this happen (He did some too, but you can't control what your partner does, so focusing on what you CAN do)

• Made it absolutely explicit that everyone is responsible for their own sexual comfort. I may be frustrated, but that doesn't mean that is his headache.
• He can CHOOSE to comfort me, or give me sexual attention or stimulation because he cares for me, but this is not his responsibility or obligation.
• Explicitly refused sexual contact offered when I thought he was doing it out of guilt or if he seemed uncomfortable. This helped for two reasons:
  • Made it clear that I did not expect him to martyr himself to my libido
  • Gave him much necessary relief from the fear that he may have to engage in sex because I was sexual and this may result in norms or expectations that he was not feeling able to fulfill. This, surprisingly, resulted in him being more interested in offering sex, because he didn't fear being trapped by it if it got too much and he was more willing to use moments when he was indifferent or feeling affectionate to bring me sexual pleasure.
  • It gave him a lot of sexual confidence to simply experience a situation where he was willing to have sex, but I didn't want it. This matters, even though it seems counter intuitive, because there was so much of me wanting sex and him not being in the mood, that the opposite happening brought us into sharp focus as individuals, rather than "sexual" and "ace", where he with his rare mood could indeed want sex, and sex happy me wasn't indiscriminately and permanently horny and willing to fuck all the time, and I too had moments of desire and moments when I didn't want sex, like a "normal" person. Rare as those occasions were, they sort of "balanced" the equation of perceptions and avoided getting into stereotypes of one always wanting sex and the other always being the one to refuse.
• Explored a lot of sexual possibilities in detail, finding out what he disliked, what he was ok with and what he liked. We did more of what he liked and none of what he didn't. For example, even sexually, he liked bringing me to orgasm using his hands (enjoyed giving me pleasure for emotional reasons), but did not enjoy feeling arousal for the most part. So our sex became about him stimulating me, and I learned to keep my hands off him completely unless he wanted it. His penis is absolutely no-go zone, because he is capable of being aroused by my touch, but finds it stressful to be physically aroused if he isn't in the frame of mind mentally. That got me off, there was togetherness and it did not stress him at all. This may actually be simpler for lesbians given that PIV sex is immediately off the table.

 

On 7/29/2018 at 4:51 PM, Missnova said:

My issue is that I have gone through a great deal of effort to understand where she’s coming from and I feel that that has not been reciprocated. She just shuts it all out. I want her to want to understand what this is like for me. I feel that I am the only one compromising (by always saying it’s ok when she’s not in the mood and I am and then basically having a cold shower). For the vast majority of the time this is fine, but every now and then it gets me down. 

This is a natural feeling, and somewhat unavoidable, since we are dependent on them for our sexual preference come true, while theirs can happen unilaterally, given that the preference is an absence. Additionally, even an ace who wants to offer sex simply doesn't think of sex often enough to remember to offer. There is no reason to. While we are thinking about sex and hoping for it, so the lack keeps hitting us hard. But it is what it is. This is hard to change and to some extent will require you to come to terms with it as a reality.

 

If your ace is willing to engage in sexual activity on occasion, you may want to consider flat out asking for it when you are in the mood and adapting the frequency of how often you ask to how often they agree or refuse. 

 

If your ace is willing to engage in sexual activity, but needs to be mentally prepared rather than asked in the moment, you could consider asking them to have a schedule - once a week or Friday nights, or twice a month at any time you feel ready.... and so on and not take it too personally if they slip up unless they slip all the time and don't offer at all without being reminded, in which case, they may not really want sex at all and are finding it hard to tell you.

 

Whatever you do, don't stop talking. When there is trouble in the intimate zone, silence is death to the relationship.

[Telecaster68]

Even if all that works out (and from AVEN posts, I'd say the ace is at least as likely to react to their partner taking sex off the table with 'oh great, see, you don't need it, I was right!'), it still means the sexual partner has to give up a huge amount of agency and autonomy within the relationship, and have to suck it  up, and live with the very real probability that sooner or later their magnanimous ace will decide they can't 'do' sex any more and ... game over.

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

(and from AVEN posts, I'd say the ace is at least as likely to react to their partner taking sex off the table with 'oh great, see, you don't need it, I was right!')

I know conversation can’t overcome everything, but this is another place it’s really important.  The ace partner is going to find it much easier to reach and sustain that viewpoint if the sexual partner doesn’t discuss and negate it.

[Telecaster68]

32 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I know conversation can’t overcome everything, but this is another place it’s really important.  The ace partner is going to find it much easier to reach and sustain that viewpoint if the sexual partner doesn’t discuss and negate it.

They can also find it easier to completely ignore the issue because it's painful and not important to them. 

 

I think I remember about the cases of aces finding a new willingness for sex as a result of sexual partners shutting up about their needs. There are dozens where the asexual says 'well if you don't mention it, I forget it's a thing', and nothing happens, for years. 

 

As a strategy for sexuals, shutting up has terrible odds of succeeding.

[anamikanon]

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

the ace is at least as likely to react to their partner taking sex off the table with 'oh great, see, you don't need it, I was right!'

A lot of aces don't "get" the importance of sex spontaneously, but if an ace who is in a relationship with a sexual reaches that conclusion, either their communication is terrible, or the ace is the dominant in the relationship, misusing their power, or the sexual is a martyr who'd rather mislead the ace than take responsibility for difficult desires.

 

2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

They can also find it easier to completely ignore the issue because it's painful and not important to them. 

This is a bigger problem than a sexual mismatch. If one partner is willing to ignore the pain of another because it is not convenient, it is a bad relationship. This is not about asexuality or sexuality. It is about people taking the easy way because they are too fucking lazy and don't mind their partners suffering. This is irrelevant to sex. It could just as well be a vegetarian not bothering to stock any meat in the kitchen, because they don't eat it. It is a disregard for the partner. Merely manifesting as callousness about sexual preference. Such a relationship will have other examples too, where the partner prefers to not do something hard that their partner would like or need unless they get something out of it themselves.

[anamikanon]

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

the ace is at least as likely to react to their partner taking sex off the table with 'oh great, see, you don't need it, I was right!'

A lot of aces don't "get" the importance of sex spontaneously, but if an ace who is in a relationship with a sexual reaches that conclusion, either their communication is terrible, or the ace is the dominant in the relationship, misusing their power, or the sexual is a martyr who'd rather mislead the ace than take responsibility for difficult desires.

 

13 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

They can also find it easier to completely ignore the issue because it's painful and not important to them. 

This is a bigger problem than a sexual mismatch. If one partner is willing to ignore the pain of another because it is not convenient, it is a bad relationship. This is not about asexuality or sexuality. It is about people taking the easy way because they are too fucking lazy and don't mind their partners suffering. This is irrelevant to sex. It could just as well be a vegetarian not bothering to stock any meat in the kitchen, because they don't eat it. It is a disregard for the partner. Merely manifesting as callousness about sexual preference. Such a relationship will have other examples too, where the partner prefers to not do something hard that their partner would like or need unless they get something out of it themselves.

 

Also, I think it is a rather uncharitable view of aces overall, if your assesment of likely behavior comes down to this. It may not be accurate. An observation to the contrary I find here is the complete lack of aces who are in mixed relationships and happy that their sexual has given up sex. If what you say is a likely response, one would expect at least a few going "oh yeah, my husband/wife and I never have sex, though they like it a lot". Most aces in this situation are worried that they will be abandoned instead.

[anamikanon]

I think at the very minimum, we must be convinced that our partners don't have malintent toward our well being. It is a hard situation to be in. Why go through the trouble for someone not even worth keeping?

 

If we think that our partners would simply be thrilled at our expense if what they want happened, then we need to get out of the relationship. Not even about sex. If ANYTHING that makes us profoundly miserable leaves our partners happy or untroubled, that person is not right for us.

 

Effectively, @Telecaster68 what you said is not all that different from the posts by @FictoVore.that I used to find disturbing, where she essentially described having a relationship with frequent sex at the cost of emotional distress and physical pain as "normal". Opposite ends of the spectrum, but very similar in essence, with a person who can take pleasure or be untroubled while their partner is tormented.

 

In my view, such relationships should be dumped. She did. You should too. And you are saying that you will. I hope that you will see that what you went through is not at all normal or healthy or an expected response from someone you love.

[ryn2]

34 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

As a strategy for sexuals, shutting up has terrible odds of succeeding.

...as a strategy in general, because it’s not really to the ace partner’s advantage if the sexual partner is silently but surely creeping towards the breaking point either.

[Telecaster68]

3 hours ago, anamikanon said:

I think at the very minimum, we must be convinced that our partners don't have malintent toward our well being. It is a hard situation to be in. Why go through the trouble for someone not even worth keeping?

 

If we think that our partners would simply be thrilled at our expense if what they want happened, then we need to get out of the relationship. Not even about sex. If ANYTHING that makes us profoundly miserable leaves our partners happy or untroubled, that person is not right for us.

 

Effectively, @Telecaster68 what you said is not all that different from the posts by @FictoVore.that I used to find disturbing, where she essentially described having a relationship with frequent sex at the cost of emotional distress and physical pain as "normal". Opposite ends of the spectrum, but very similar in essence, with a person who can take pleasure or be untroubled while their partner is tormented.

 

In my view, such relationships should be dumped. She did. You should too. And you are saying that you will. I hope that you will see that what you went through is not at all normal or healthy or an expected response from someone you love.

I'm not saying it's a good thing, I'm saying it's common, and it's a result of 'don't keep pressuring the asexual'. On AVEN, as a generality, if the asexual partner is feeling pressured, it's seen as being because the sexual is being controlling and entitled rather than assertive. I'm not talking about demanding sex, I'm talking about insisting on communication when the asexual partner is refusing, or closing down, or getting too anxious to talk about it. There are very, very few posters on AVEN who'll say to an asexual partner 'tough shit, you owe your partner and the relationship communication. Put your big genderfluidhuman pants on and deal with it'. 

 

You're right, it's the same issue, and we have now split up - she's moved out, last weekend. She made this announcement the same evening I was planning to make mine...

[anamikanon]

1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

You're right, it's the same issue, and we have now split up - she's moved out, last weekend. She made this announcement the same evening I was planning to make mine...

Hey! Congratulations! Long overdue.

 

Though I imagine you may be feeling a bit lost now that you're actually free 😛

[Telecaster68]

2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

...as a strategy in general, because it’s not really to the ace partner’s advantage if the sexual partner is silently but surely creeping towards the breaking point either.

But it seems to them it's to their advantage, because apparently they they have no idea sex is that important, even if they've been told in a perfectly civil conversation.... they just assume the nasty sex issue has gone away.

[Telecaster68]

Just now, anamikanon said:

Hey! Congratulations! Long overdue.

 

Though I imagine you may be feeling a bit lost now that you're actually free 😛

Everybody keeps expecting me to crash and burn. I actually did that two years ago, and my wife sat on her sofa and watched, pretty much literally. So now I'm basically  relieved and re-organising my life. 

[ryn2]

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

But it seems to them it's to their advantage, because apparently they they have no idea sex is that important, even if they've been told in a perfectly civil conversation.... they just assume the nasty sex issue has gone away.

Which is why I said it ultimately needs to be communicated, on an ongoing basis.  Otherwise both parties make assumptions about the other’s thoughts/intentions that ultimately make the situation worse rather than better.

[ryn2]

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

There are very, very few posters on AVEN who'll say to an asexual partner 'tough shit, you owe your partner and the relationship communication. Put your big genderfluidhuman pants on and deal with it'.

I haven’t noticed this so much as people defending against pressure to have sex.  There’s some crossover (“if we don’t have sex I’m ending the relationship”) but, in the end, if that’s the truth it’s better to say it.

[ryn2]

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

She made this announcement the same evening I was planning to make mine...

At least you’re on the same page in this, then?

[Telecaster68]

5 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I haven’t noticed this so much as people defending against pressure to have sex.  There’s some crossover (“if we don’t have sex I’m ending the relationship”) but, in the end, if that’s the truth it’s better to say it.

Bringing it up is generally perceived as pressure to have sex, it seems, because their ace partners know they're not going to countenance real compromise, so they know where the conversation is going. This is the catch 22 for many sexual partners. 

[ryn2]

2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Bringing it up is generally perceived as pressure to have sex, it seems, because their ace partners know they're not going to countenance real compromise, so they know where the conversation is going. This is the catch 22 for many sexual partners. 

Still, if the sexual partner requires X degree of compromise and will end the relationship if that’s not attained, what’s the gain in pretending otherwise (assuming there’s not a deadline to get past, like kids over 18 or loans paid or something)?

[Telecaster68]

For most sexuals, they want to work on it because hope dies hard. You could equally ask why asexuals want to continue a situation they want to avoid talking about. 

[ryn2]

Tiptoeing around the elephant in the room isn’t working on it, though.  It’s ignoring it and hoping things magically change.

 

I’m not talking about the situation where the sexual partner has come to the decision that he/she/they want to stay in a sexless relationship because its benefits outweigh its shortcomings.  In that case there’s really nothing to discuss.  I’m referring to the situations where the sexual partner doesn’t think staying in a sexless relationship is going to work long-term.  In those cases something has to change and there’s zero chance of that happening (in whatever way) if the topic isn’t discussed regularly.

 

5 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

You could equally ask why asexuals want to continue a situation they want to avoid talking about.

Some of the asexuals posting here have commented that they had no idea how important/how big a “relationship factor” sex is to some sexuals.  They probably don’t realize they’re avoiding talking about a Really Big Thing to start with.  Even if someone has told them, and they understand it enough intellectually to parrot it back, it still doesn’t compute at a deeper level.

 

Others seem to “get” it emotionally and experience a lot of guilt.  Guilt tends to be easier to ignore than to face down too.

[Telecaster68]

I don't see how understanding that sex is important in relationships to sexuals (ie most people), is any harder to understand than not having sex is important in relationships, as it is to asexuals. Both are major, unexpected changes to our assumptions. And yet.... sexuals get their heads round asexuals' need to not have sex. Why do asexuals find it harder to see the other point of view?

 

Actually, asexuals don't need to get it a deeper level, just like sexuals don't need to get asexuality at a deeper level. They just have to accept it and deal with the consequences, rather than wishing it would go away.

[ryn2]

11 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I don't see how understanding that sex is important in relationships to sexuals (ie most people), is any harder to understand than not having sex is important in relationships, as it is to asexuals. Both are major, unexpected changes to our assumptions. And yet.... sexuals get their heads round asexuals' need to not have sex. Why do asexuals find it harder to see the other point of view?

Honestly, at least reading here, I don’t get the sense either side understands where the other is coming from.  Maybe such an understanding isn’t possible.

 

The difference in behavior is probably more about our current societal views around consent than it is about understanding.  These days withholding sex from someone who wants it is not judged as harshly as is forcing sex on someone who doesn’t, so in a disagreement the latter viewpoint likely wins out.

 

15 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

They just have to accept it and deal with the consequences, rather than wishing it would go away.

When it’s never discussed, though, it looks like there aren’t any consequences.

[Telecaster68]

6 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Honestly, at least reading here, I don’t get the sense either side understands where the other is coming from.  Maybe such an understanding isn’t possible.

I think both sides understand on an intellectual level, and understanding your partner is in real distress intellectually should be enough to want to do what you can to change it, surely?

 

7 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

These days withholding sex from someone who wants it is not judged as harshly as is forcing sex on someone who doesn’t, so in a disagreement the latter viewpoint likely wins out.

Yes, this is my point. The asexual's preferences prevail, so they're quite happy to close down anything that might lead to change. Emphasising this is distressing is a good way to shut up a sexual partner who doesn't want to make the asexual feel bad and is already feeling guilty and insecure in the relationship.

 

9 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

When it’s never discussed, though, it looks like there aren’t any consequences.

But the asexual knows - because they've been told and probably seen it in body language - their partner is in real distress over this. The distress is the consequence; from a sexual's perspective, we're getting the message clearly that the consequence (our distress) just don't matter to the asexual. Most sexuals would view their partner having a similar level of distress as being a consequence regardless of the cause, I'm sure.

 

I'm not having a go at you personally btw - I've just seen this dynamic so many times on AVEN, and every time, it comes across as a lack of caring from the asexual.

[ryn2]

6 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Understanding your partner is in real distress intellectually should be enough to want to do what you can to change it, surely?

This is why I keep coming back to the importance of discussing it.  Without that how does the ace partner know the sexual partner is in real distress due to the lack of sex?  Asexuals may not accurately interpret body language that might clearly express sex-related concerns to another sexual.

 

I don’t know what you discussed in your relationship.  I do know that, in mine, whenever I asked about down moods and the like it went like this:

 

me:  is everything okay?

SO:  yeah

me:  are you sure?  you seem [down/sad/angry/whatever]

SO:  i’m just blah

me:  is there anything i can do?

SO:  no

me:  is something i’m doing contributing?

SO:  no

me:  (eventually) is this about us?  should i be concerned?

SO:  no

 

That just teaches me to read down mood body language as “I’m having a depressed day and it has nothing to do with you or us.”