Tips for cis male partner of Ace+PTSD?

[mcis]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm wondering if anyone has tips or related stories that could help us, even out of solidarity?

TL;DR: I don't need sex, but do need sensual connection (eventually) and she says to like this too, however she doesn't trust me because of her history with men and this leads to her having great anxiety about the smallest things. I suspect only time and constant love and support will help here? I hate knowing she feels anxious about spending time together sometimes and would love to help if I could.

 

My best friend is ace all her life, and unfortunately suffered terrible sexual trauma before we met a few years ago. This past year we began exploring a romantic relationship together, which has been great getting to spend more time together and build more memories. Now, being cis male, I had thought long and hard about if I should even ask her out, finally deciding that 'yes' I'd be fine never having sex again, as a worst case scenario, and that she really does give me everything else I need in a partner. Additionally, we both appreciate sensual interaction (me more than her maybe), but she doesn't trust this is all I want, understandably due to her history with men. The problem is that this mistrust is causing her a lot of anxiety about me.

 

I've been reading a lot about related issues: The Body Keeps the Score is a fantastic book, and a number of articles on being a supportive partner after PTSD, but nothing captures the cis+ace dimension too. She feels pressured quite often to "perform" (still not sure what she specifically means by this - I'll ask later) and has gone so far as to tell me I could sleep around if that would fulfill me (it wouldn't). Only recently did I realize she has way more anxiety about all this than I thought, such as being anxious that holding hands will escalate to sex, so that's often why she doesn't want to hold hands. My knee-jerk reaction is to tell her she should be completely in the driver seat for physical interaction and take as long as she needs (yes, I really am that patient), which would actually be more comfortable for me too, but this also seems wrong because maybe that's putting too much on her. Overall I really want to support her healing in whichever direction she wants, and help her reduce her anxiety. The anxiety, by the way, is much worse now that we're dating, for obvious reasons. Completely removing myself from the equation is one solution, but we are both trying to find a way to have a relationship together. We are not living together, which I think makes this more difficult in some ways.

 

Yes, we will talk about my suggestions and worries next chance we get (I love how well we communicate), but I thought I'd ask the great internet wisdom machine.

 

Thank you for any thoughts you'd like to share!

[ryn2]

If she sees her present reaction to this past trauma as a problem - if she feels like it’s interfering with her enjoyment of life or with her daily responsibilities - then she might find therapy helpful... not to “fix” your relationship but just to work through some of what’s making her uncomfortable and alleviate some of that discomfort.

[LeChat]

Hi. That's good that you're interested in looking for information to help your partner and your relationship.

 

Here's a website specifically for asexual abuse survivors; it might be helpful for both of you, if you're interested.

(TW because the website discusses abuse)

https://asexualsurvivors.org/

 

Have you tried reading articles for partners of abuse survivors? Even though they're not specifically about ace abuse survivors, they're helpful and can apply to people of all sexual orientations, as all abuse survivors can struggle with PTSD and similar feelings. Here are just a couple of sites, as an example, but there are a lot more that are listed in internet searches, too many to list.

 

(TW because these articles discuss abuse)

https://aplus.com/a/how-to-be-a-good-partner-to-a-sexual-assault-survivor?no_monetization=true

 

https://www.supportforpartners.org/faq

 

 

[Guest]

Ask her if she would rather be in charge of initiating physical interaction. Some prefer it some dont. 

 

I used to avoid all physical affection with my ex to avoid turning him on, cause it meant sex would be asked of me. It really can become every touch, look, even what you wear or how you move becomes closely monitored to try to avoid that reaction. Time and assuring her you dont want that from her (cause she doesnt want it) is all that will really help. I used to hide in my room and not even get a drink of water all day because I was afraid I would accidentally spark interest. It can be very anxiety inducing to be with people who want more than you can give, especially if you have had things forced on you. 

 

Right now I am with someone I trust to not ask things of me I dont want. We are very physically affectionate. So, it is possible. Though, honestly, I dont know if I could be with a fully sexual person knowing they wanted sex and I couldnt give. Just knowing I was frustrating them, even if they were OK with it, would cause guilt. 

[SG100084]

It's easier, at least mentally, if you know from the start I think. It also depends how high your own drives are.

If my wife had told me her lack of interest was trauma-related early on (it isn't) then I would have been far better able to get my head round this issue, even before I became aware of this entire "thing" about ACE.

 

[mcis]

Thanks for the feedback everyone! This is such a supportive community.

 

22 hours ago, ryn2 said:

...she might find therapy helpful...

She actually has a great therapist and it helps her to manage things how she wants to. Good suggestion though.

 

21 hours ago, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

Here's a website specifically for asexual abuse survivors; it might be helpful for both of you, if you're interested.

(TW because the website discusses abuse)

https://asexualsurvivors.org/

 

Have you tried reading articles for partners of abuse survivors? Even though they're not specifically about ace abuse survivors, they're helpful and can apply to people of all sexual orientations, as all abuse survivors can struggle with PTSD and similar feelings. Here are just a couple of sites, as an example, but there are a lot more that are listed in internet searches, too many to list.

 

(TW because these articles discuss abuse)

https://aplus.com/a/how-to-be-a-good-partner-to-a-sexual-assault-survivor?no_monetization=true

 

https://www.supportforpartners.org/faq

 

 

Oops, I realized my wording made it sound like I was reading articles about how she should be a good partner! Yes, that's actually the first article I read about how I can be a good partner, and I've read quite a few and they've helped a little. That asexualsurvivors.org site is just what I'm looking for! Thank you - that's a great resource.

 

21 hours ago, Serran said:

Ask her if she would rather be in charge of initiating physical interaction. Some prefer it some don't.

My heart tells me that's the right approach. Thanks! I'll do just that.