"I at least want to get to know them first."

[Snao Cone]

A question for you folks (of any identity but especially demi/grey): if someone expressed that they don't get casual sex or one night stands and said "I at least want to get to know them first" would you suggest to them they might be demisexual or at least encourage them to learn about it?

[EmbrAce It]

8 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

if someone expressed that they don't get casual sex or one night stands and said "I at least want to get to know them first" would you suggest to them they might be demisexual or at least encourage them to learn about it?

Depending on the person, maybe. A lot of my 100% straight (heterosexual, heteroromantic, sexual, romantic) friends wouldn't get that either (besides the drunk sex, club sex, blegh blah blah), even if they know about demisexuality, although if they didn't know about it then I would probably suggest extensive research (since, as discussed in other threads, demisexuality is often very similar to the behavior of some sexual people) and even if they hadn't brought it up I would suggest becoming more informed on LGBTQIA+ in general. I feel as though many of the sexual people who would say that have a similar lifestyle and/or raising to mine (don't just go off kissing [insert gender] and getting pregnant, although most people don't want that for their children) and I've met a lot of people who would think that some hot stranger is a sexual turn on, but wouldn't actually go do it with them until later.

[Grimalkin]

I don't think a disinterest in casual sex necessarily means a person is demisexual. Many allosexual people consider sex to be a special thing, and not something they want to have with people they're not committed to.

 

But hey, talk about demisexuality anyway. Spread the awareness.

[LeChat]

41 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

A question for you folks (of any identity but especially demi/grey): if someone expressed that they don't get casual sex or one night stands and said "I at least want to get to know them first" would you suggest to them they might be demisexual or at least encourage them to learn about it?

I'm not demi/grey, but I have a relative who might be. I sort of did that with my relative, suggesting that he might be asexual, because he seemed to be one, like me, and I thought he might like to know or make new friends with other males on AVEN who aren't interested in sex, either, and prefer enjoying the same hobbies.

 

But I think he felt a little uncomfortable when I kept trying to talk to him about it. Like me, he doesn't--and wouldn't-- feel the need to suggest to anyone that they might be demisexual, just because they weren't interested in casual sex or one night stands. He's told me he just likes to leave people alone and let them be, to let them decide what they'd like to reveal about themselves to him or not. It might be because we were taught that talking about sexuality to others wasn't appropriate. If it were a friend whom I didn't know well, I wouldn't want to suggest to them that they were demisexual/grey if they didn't ask for my advice, because they might just be shy

(TW)

Spoiler

or experienced abuse

and want to take things slowly.

 

But like @EmbrAce It said, it might depend on the person, how close your relationship/friendship is to them and whether you know that'd they'd be okay with talking about sexuality. Like, if a friend were talking to me, sad or upset and expressing that they were feeling as though they were the only person in the world who wasn't as interested in sexual relationships like everyone else, then I'd probably mention asexuality/demisexuality/grey, etc., to help cheer them up and to let them know they're not alone in feeling that way.

[Grumpy Alien]

47 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

A question for you folks (of any identity but especially demi/grey): if someone expressed that they don't get casual sex or one night stands and said "I at least want to get to know them first" would you suggest to them they might be demisexual or at least encourage them to learn about it?

Hopefully this doesn’t get me into trouble but no. That sounds like most sexuals to me. I identify as sexual and I don’t understand casual sex or one night stands. I don’t see the point in specifying demi/grey, personally. I consider those still sexual.

[Captain_Tass]

Demi here! Well, as it has been said before on this thread, it depends on the person. For example, when I was explaining to my friend that I'm demi and what being demi means (she hadn't even heard of asexuality before, much less the ace spectrum) she said "I don't think I'd ever do a one night stand or a fwb situation, I'd go on a relationship/have sex only if I knew it would be something serious". I didn't suggest that she's grace/demi, (in fact I don't really think she is) but I introduced her to the concept of asexuality/aspec identities so that she could keep them on the back of her head, just in case she found herself questioning later in life or found someone ace/aspec in need of acceptance/validation. I'd only suggest that maybe someone is demi/grace/ace/aspec in general if they came up to me and specifically asked me for advice or help with figuring out their identity and what they said about themselves fit one of these definitions. However, I'd also recommend research on their part. All that being said, I'm all for ace/aspec representation and visibility and would encourage anyone to learn about ace/aspec identities, not only questioning folks.

[mace_]

I think the important part is the sexual attraction. (Allo)sexuals will experience sexual attraction on a regular basis. If they immediately act on it, wait till they know the person better, or simply ignore it is still their choice. On the other hand for demisexuals in the beginning there is no sexual attraction, like there is no sexual attraction for asexuals. But for demisexuals the attraction may develop when they form this emotional bond.

[Telecaster68]

It not only depends on the person but the situation. Some times, or at some life stages, people might be up for a relatively meaningless ONS. Other times, they might only want sex as part of a relationship. Dividing people up as though they always behave consistently doesn't really help understand what's going on. 

[timewarp]

46 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Some times, or at some life stages, people might be up for a relatively meaningless ONS.

For a moment I was very confused why you are bringing the Office for National Statistics into this. To the point that I found it a bit rude calling them meaningless.

[Snao Cone]

1 minute ago, timewarp said:

For a moment I was very confused why you are bringing the Office for National Statistics into this. To the point that I found it a bit rude calling them meaningless.

I used to work for the Canadian equivalent and I can tell you many people have that attitude towards it. 😛

[Telecaster68]

5 minutes ago, timewarp said:

For a moment I was very confused why you are bringing the Office for National Statistics into this. To the point that I found it a bit rude calling them meaningless.

There are lies, damn lies, and statistics. 

[Telecaster68]

Newspapers refer to Good Morning Britain as GMB. I often wonder why they're reporting such a Twitter reaction to the activities of the General and Municipal Boilermakers union. 

[Guest]

23 hours ago, mace_ said:

I think the important part is the sexual attraction. (Allo)sexuals will experience sexual attraction on a regular basis. If they immediately act on it, wait till they know the person better, or simply ignore it is still their choice. On the other hand for demisexuals in the beginning there is no sexual attraction, like there is no sexual attraction for asexuals. But for demisexuals the attraction may develop when they form this emotional bond.

Then you bring in the complicated how do you define sexual attraction question. And since that lacks a clear definition people can agree on...

 

I wouldnt suggest they are demi or grey. I maybe count as demi, I guess, but I dont see a point in using the label for me. I didnt want sexual things. I found someone I have a good bond with and I do want sexual things. Do I get people who want things I dont ? Only academically. Do I get casual sex? Again, only academically. Do I get not taking a year or more to know if you like someone ? Same as before. But, then, I know a lot of people who feel anywhere in between casual and I need a lot of time so I dont consider myself that unusual. The not wanting anything with exes despite loving them people find weird. But, meh. 

 

If someone feels really alien and needs a community that arent into hookup culture to talk to I might suggest they look into it for that reason. But, otherwise, maybe they are happy and just need to go slow til they find a person it clicks with. My friend goes 5+ years without a sexual partner cause they havent clicked yet with anyone, but he is happy just IDing as a picky heterosexual, so the demi label wouldnt be useful to him, for example. 

[bare_trees]

On 7/27/2018 at 12:17 PM, Snao Cone said:

A question for you folks (of any identity but especially demi/grey): if someone expressed that they don't get casual sex or one night stands and said "I at least want to get to know them first" would you suggest to them they might be demisexual or at least encourage them to learn about it?

I wouldn't suggest that to them just based on that remark.  I would need a lot more info from them that might suggest they're somewhere on the ace spectrum.  They might just mean they don't want to sleep with someone they don't necessarily trust, or don't want to seem "easy," or one of the many other reasons not to have a one-night stand (which is not to say that casual sex doesn't work for some people).

[roland.o]

On 7/27/2018 at 7:17 PM, Snao Cone said:

A question for you folks (of any identity but especially demi/grey): if someone expressed that they don't get casual sex or one night stands and said "I at least want to get to know them first" would you suggest to them they might be demisexual or at least encourage them to learn about it?

Not if that is the only indicator.