SG100084 Posted August 3, 2018 Author Share Posted August 3, 2018 42 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: 1) The sexual urges may never subside. 2) Does your wife understand this? Good point. Maybe she can rent me out to her friends when they become widows! (JOKE!!!) Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted August 3, 2018 Share Posted August 3, 2018 52 minutes ago, SG100084 said: I've also started exploring whether I might be poly, as this feels totally natural and sensible to me and can't intellectually understand why my wife is having such a hard time with it. From what you’ve said it definitely sounds like you could be poly. Your wife may just need time to come to terms with the change... but some people simply aren’t poly and that could also be the case with your wife. Also, does your secondary partner feel the same, or is there the potential this will end her existing primary partnership? The latter could cause you issues (whether or not you stay with your wife) if she suddenly wants primary partner status. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted August 3, 2018 Share Posted August 3, 2018 2 minutes ago, SG100084 said: Good point. Maybe she can rent me out to her friends when they become widows! (JOKE!!!) Oooh, good point. Maybe that could cover my partner’s jobless period. (also joke) Link to post Share on other sites
SG100084 Posted August 3, 2018 Author Share Posted August 3, 2018 My secondary partner lives with her ex-husband and has no plans of changing that right now, as there are kids involved. I suspect she might be poly and we'll be having that talk at some point. I have no sense of jealousy about my secondary partner, and only jealousy about my primary partner if she suddenly decides she wants to see other guys for sex, when that is the big blockage in our relationship. If she wanted to see women or (platonically) men who can offer her what I can't then I would be fine about it.. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted August 3, 2018 Share Posted August 3, 2018 1 hour ago, SG100084 said: I have no sense of jealousy about my secondary partner, and only jealousy about my primary partner if she suddenly decides she wants to see other guys for sex, when that is the big blockage in our relationship. Things to consider if you’re going to sustain this long-term: 1) any sense of jealousy from your secondary partner? 2) what will you do if your wife - since she could, especially if she is not ace and actually is put off sex with you by something else - does decide she, too, wants to see others for sex? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 3, 2018 Share Posted August 3, 2018 Your wife claiming she's not ace could very well be true. I never wanted any of my other partners sexually - but I do want my current spouse. The difference seems to be how comfortable and safe I feel with them, vs the others. The others had temper issues, or manipulated me in ways, or pressured me, etc. My current spouse is nothing but understanding and sweet and respectful. There is no pressure. We have one big issue between us, but even in that she tries to be nice to me... though sometimes that backfires and causes more problems (the issue is not within her control). But, even with that, I still feel safe, secure, comfortable. And that is truly the only way I can desire anyone. I need that comfort level. And I can't get it if someone is prone to anger, or puts too many expectations on me to do things for them. So, I can understand why your wife might not desire sex atm, still love you, but maybe thinks she can in other situations. So, if you decide to go poly - could you deal with your wife having a partner that can give her a level of comfort that allows her to explore her sexual side if she does have it and her reasons are true as to why she isn't comfortable sharing it with you? Or, are you only OK with her seeing men platonically and she'd need to see women only for sexual things? IF you are going to be open/poly, you both have to come up with the ground rules. She went from wanting to know nothing, to wanting to know more. She's feeling insecure and like you probably are going to see the other woman as "more" than with her. That's normal. She's not naturally poly, from the sounds of it. She probably doesn't see how you can love two people at once. And will probably take constant reassurance until she adjusts. And, it may be a good idea, if you're looking to make this work, to take things slow with the other woman and let your wife adjust to the idea over time than rushing into things. Also, a lot of poly people put in rules at first like no over nights, so the primary spouse still feels their partner will come home to them, until they are secure. You need to talk more. You can't just decide to open it up and have no rules in place. That's going to lead to a lot of hurt feelings and doomed situations. Poly isn't just "do whatever with whomever" - it's usually structured and even poly people have deal breakers that count as cheating, cause they just can't handle it. So, do some reading up on things and you both establish ground rules for what the new relationship model looks like. Also, there are relationship therapists that specialize in poly couples, to help them adjust. It may be good to find one of those. They can walk you through the process together and try to figure it out. Some people want to get to know the "other woman", some prefer not to. Some want to know details, some don't. Some are OK with vacations off with the other partner, some aren't. Etc, etc. It's a lot of figuring out what falls in the OK section and what falls in the not OK section. Where jealousy should be controlled, where it's just natural and trying to ignore it will destroy the relationship. What you both find important specifically to your relationship and what is OK to share with others. Especially when both partners are not naturally poly and thus don't experience compersion, but experience jealousy instead with every new step. Link to post Share on other sites
SG100084 Posted August 3, 2018 Author Share Posted August 3, 2018 Some excellent points there Serran. Thanks for taking the time to write that long post. Link to post Share on other sites
SG100084 Posted August 5, 2018 Author Share Posted August 5, 2018 Another little progress report, if anyone is still interested in this soap opera. We're now 3 weeks into this and it seems to be settling a little. Dialogue with my wife is at a great stage now. We've never talked this well before. And I am so into her right now, just want to make her as happy as I can, bearing in mind the circumstances. I'm very optimistic that we're going to make it. We're both totally motivated to stay together. My sexual partner is thrilled about helping to bring my wife and I closer together (we had the "poly" talk and my new partner and I are fairly sure we are both poly) and I even got to give my wife an innocent peck on the cheek and make her laugh. I don't think we'd have got this far if I hadn't been given so much great advice in this thread, so thanks people. All of you. Serran's last post in particular put some things into an alternative perspective, which was very helpful indeed. Link to post Share on other sites
SG100084 Posted August 6, 2018 Author Share Posted August 6, 2018 Oh... so now my wife wants to do me too. Why is nothing ever so damn straight forward? I'm giving us one month to get our shit together, or at least to make some tangible progress towards getting our shit together. Make or break time now. My new lady is fine with it... And wife is fine with this plan. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 Have you heard of what's called 'hysterical bonding'? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 Has she said why ? Is it she is feeling insecure and wants to know you still want her ? Or just she actually wants it now things are good between you ? Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 She’s said before that she’s not ace and that other things about the relationship/partner behavior put her off sex... so, if the recent changes have helped with that, it’s not impossible she legit. has found her interest rekindled. That said, there are a lot of other possibilities. In the end she’s the only one who knows for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
SG100084 Posted August 6, 2018 Author Share Posted August 6, 2018 Who knows? She's certainly said that I've been a lot easier to live with the last couple of weeks. And she's never been in doubt that I was into her. Still been giving her the "I adore you" look, even after starting an affair because I am still totally into her. Just didn't think it was mutual. I think there's definitely some of the "well if that attractive, well-qualified, independant slightly younger woman can see something in him, then I can't take him for granted any longer" going on too. Will have to see. Wedding anniversary tomorrow. And a hot date. With the hottest woman I know… Life takes strange turns. Link to post Share on other sites
SG100084 Posted August 6, 2018 Author Share Posted August 6, 2018 57 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: Have you heard of what's called 'hysterical bonding'? Yes - and I'm sure this is what is going on and it's why I've made this conditional on progress. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 What happens at the end of the month? Link to post Share on other sites
SG100084 Posted August 6, 2018 Author Share Posted August 6, 2018 Well at least I'll have some kind of idea if it's worth continuing or if we are broken beyond repair. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 Ah, okay. I was confused by how the two things (a month to make progress, primary partner potentially wanting sex) intersected. Link to post Share on other sites
SG100084 Posted August 6, 2018 Author Share Posted August 6, 2018 I think she has to understand that this can't be a done deal just because she feels like it right now. I don't expect to be going full on advanced kinky-weirdstuff-mode within a month (or even ever, but I do have a shopping list of things to do before I die) but if we aren't feeling comfortable with each other by then, then it's off the table. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 So the month is to evaluate having sex with her again, or to continue the relationship at all? Sorry, it’s Monday. I put my dumb brain in. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 29 minutes ago, SG100084 said: I think she has to understand that this can't be a done deal just because she feels like it right now. I don't expect to be going full on advanced kinky-weirdstuff-mode within a month (or even ever, but I do have a shopping list of things to do before I die) but if we aren't feeling comfortable with each other by then, then it's off the table. Hello, my fellow dane! @SG100084 If she is asexual, as you write, then she will never ever desire you in a sexual way. But she could be a bit interested or jealous about the joined party of intimacy, which she is not a part of. I think, there is always a risk that the practical act of getting laid with another, can turn into warm feelings for each other. Especially since you give up something important in your domestic love life and find a friend who gives you warmth and lovelike feelings, which you miss so much. I totally understand the both of you. You seek/need the sex and wants to keep your loved one/family. She want to keep the loved one/family and outsource the sex. But she cannot help feeling frustrated. Link to post Share on other sites
SG100084 Posted August 6, 2018 Author Share Posted August 6, 2018 1 hour ago, ryn2 said: So the month is to evaluate having sex with her again, or to continue the relationship at all? Sorry, it’s Monday. I put my dumb brain in. To evaluate if we can ever have a "normal" sexual relationship, if there is such a thing. If we can't then we have to go back to the outsourcing arrangement. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 12 minutes ago, SG100084 said: To evaluate if we can ever have a "normal" sexual relationship, if there is such a thing. If we can't then we have to go back to the outsourcing arrangement. I wouldn't give up your outsourcing in the meantime. I also wouldn't be surprised if your wife's sudden interest in sex subsided if/when you do decide to give it up. I'm not saying you're wife is being consciously manipulative, just that her becoming interested in sex seems very strongly correlated to the obviousness of a potential threat of losing you. I doubt it'll be sustained. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 26 minutes ago, SG100084 said: To evaluate if we can ever have a "normal" sexual relationship, if there is such a thing. If we can't then we have to go back to the outsourcing arrangement. Ohhhhhhh, okay. I didn’t realize this was replacing the outsourcing agreement. Link to post Share on other sites
SG100084 Posted August 6, 2018 Author Share Posted August 6, 2018 11 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: I wouldn't give up your outsourcing in the meantime. I also wouldn't be surprised if your wife's sudden interest in sex subsided if/when you do decide to give it up. I'm not saying you're wife is being consciously manipulative, just that her becoming interested in sex seems very strongly correlated to the obviousness of a potential threat of losing you. I doubt it'll be sustained. Quite so. I've made it pretty clear to my wife that I have big big doubts about this and that I am not closing any doors on my "outsourcing partner", who has been an absolute brick, even though I have put her on hold. We're still in touch though and there are no conditions from her, apart from that I accept if she finds someone else in the meantime then it's OK, but that was always the deal anyway. I've been so lucky so far, as my new partner is in no big rush, as she has her own family issues, and we live far enough apart we aren't in each other's faces. Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 20 hours ago, SG100084 said: Oh... so now my wife wants to do me too. Why is nothing ever so damn straight forward? I'm giving us one month to get our shit together, or at least to make some tangible progress towards getting our shit together. Make or break time now. My new lady is fine with it... And wife is fine with this plan. Many poly people report an improvement in sex life with existing partner when they start a new relationship. It may simply be some of the overall sexual energy bleeding through, or your happiness making you more attractive, or her simply thinking more about sex because of the situation, and so on. Don't fix what ain't broke. Enjoy life. Love yourself, your wife, your partner. Link to post Share on other sites
SG100084 Posted August 12, 2018 Author Share Posted August 12, 2018 Probably time for another update. Hot date last week… went great. Even got very "intimate". Another date yesterday went terribly, as my wife still seems unable to figure out (probably due to her upbringing) what it is that I really need from a lover (i.e. not just sex, but affirmation) and we need to really improve communication in this regard. She's still very closed for "adventure" though, so I'm still aware that we have some potentially unsurmountable challenges ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 What differentiated the bad date from the good one, or wasn’t it anything specific? Link to post Share on other sites
SG100084 Posted August 12, 2018 Author Share Posted August 12, 2018 Picking up our youngest kid on the way home... Date itself actually went well... just the aftermath that went pear-shaped. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 Oh, sorry, I was lumping the whole thing - whatever you did while you were out, if it was that sort of date, plus what you did from a sex standpoint after you left the venue - under “date,” as most of the time (not always, I know) when someone says they had a hot date the sex didn’t actually happen at the restaurant. Link to post Share on other sites
SG100084 Posted August 14, 2018 Author Share Posted August 14, 2018 Well as expected, it's still not going too well. Long list of "things I don't want to do because they're icky" and very little progress (still suspecting hysterical bonding for the upturn) means that the dark clouds are trying to make a comeback and that's unacceptable. Booked a therapy session for next week, not that I am particularly optimistic about it getting us anywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
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