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Hi I'm not ACE but I think my wife is.


SG100084

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Hi there
Had an "a-ha" moment this afternoon and I think I need some advice.

I've suspected my wife was asexual for some years - we've been married for 20 years now and not had sex for about the last 15. But I think she is so ACE that she probably hasn't even bothered to explore that she might be. How can I bring up this subject with her?

I love this woman to death. She's a great mother, very giving person but all the touch-repulsive signals are there. She gives her all in the home, just not the one thing I need to feel confirmed as a man. Apart from the sexual tension, we get on great.

I've thought for years that I was the problem. I don't think I am.

This has been an issue for us for years, to the point that my wife said some years ago "if you want to go with other woman that's fine" but I've not felt willing to face the risk of hurting somebody else, or that I was "using" them and I've not been down with it myself. Also some years before that, we almost split up when she THOUGHT I was seeing someone else ( I wasn't).
What's brought this to a head is I've seen a couple of sex workers and asked them for honest opinions if there was "something wrong" with me. There isn't. I've also started a flirt with another woman, who is only interested in a sexual relationship with me at the present time.

I really need to talk this through with my wife but I don't know how the hell to go about it?

Any advice that people can give me would be hugely appreciated.

 

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The best advice I can give to you is to be blunt about it (not insensitive, just blunt) because if you don't know any other way, it gets the job done quite efficiently (if executed correctly, that is) and a to-the-point approach means 1) you might not offend her and 2) you can get straight to discussing it and helping her if she needs it. 

Good luck :)

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15 years, man? God, you have the patience of a saint's doormat.

 

There's nothing wrong with you. You are right in that it sounds very much like she's asexual. Asexuality on its own isn't a problem. You know what is a problem? Seeing that your partner in marriage is suffering low self esteem and feeling wretched about having a normal sex drive, and then doing absolutely nothing about it. For fifteen years.

 

I think this honestly depends on how badly you want to save this relationship. If you want to save it, something's got to give. Perhaps you could start by giving your wife some reading material on asexuality, which may help her define herself better. That's a start. After she's had time to process this, couple's counseling may be in order, to help the two of you communicate. Because as it stands right now, there's a huge roadblock in the way of everlasting happiness and she wants to pretend it's not there.

 

If she never wants to have sex, well, she's got to accept that you are going to find sex elsewhere. If she doesn't want sex AND she doesn't want you to find sex elsewhere, then you have to decide if you're happy never having sex again. And it doesn't sound like you are, so the marriage might not work. But you need to hammer out these things before you end up "cheating" because she can't make up her mind on whether the relationship is open or not.

 

Let me be clear about this: Asexuality is not a bad thing, but it's a difficult thing to reconcile in a relationship with a normal allosexual person. Very often the allosexual person ends up neglected and often shamed for having a normal, healthy sex drive. Don't let her shame you. Sex is very important for most allosexual people, and you shouldn't be made to feel bad for desiring it.

 

A word of caution: While you're trying to figure this out, or when you're in counseling, or if there comes talk of separation, she may suddenly become interested in sexual activity again. It's a desperate move to smooth things over. I, the asexual person, did this to my poor boyfriend when we were talking of breaking up. I suddenly wanted to be close to him again, but when we temporarily got back together I realized I still didn't like sex, I had just missed him. It's hard, but if she hasn't shown an interest in sex, nor a desire to change any of that, in fifteen years, then she's almost assuredly never going to.

 

Let me repeat all of the important parts one more time. There's nothing wrong with you, sexual compatibility is important, your feelings are valid, and the pair of you need to truly communicate to work this out. It's possible this ends in divorce, which is sad, but you shouldn't be forced into celibacy because she doesn't want to have sex but also doesn't want you to have sex with other people.

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What great contributions so far! Many many thanks. Think we'll be having "the talk" this evening.

Me not ever having sex again is not on the table. Actually I have had a bit that I paid for just to see if I was repulsive or something. I know I'm not. I have a great ass and I turn women down pretty often, considering I'm 49 and a bit tubby.
Started losing the weight once I started getting some sexual affirmation and I think that I have to do this for the sake of my health. I also know I'll be easier to live with.

We just need a strategy for how to live with this in future as I want to grow old with this woman.

 

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For me personally, I'd prefer my partner bring this up a little more subtly... maybe a post-dinner conversation of "So I forwarded this article today on asexuality (or however you learned the term), and did some research. It's interesting and relevant, because..." Because I think it's important for everyone on the LGBTQIA2S+ spectrum (asexual is one) to be able to come to their own realization of their identity, vs. having it "thrust" upon them by someone else. (Chances are, she will feel a "lightbulb" moment after spending a few quality moments with AVEN, like the rest of us have.)

 

It also sounds like you need to get some clarity ASAP on what "if you want to go with other woman that's fine" actually means. Polyamory/open relationships/etc. are a thing, and are a viable strategy for some "mixed" (sexual/asexual) relationships... but only if communication is bang-on, and expectations/boundaries from both parties clearly outlined and respected. (For example, she might be fine with you having one-night stands/sex worker sessions, but not with you courting another woman romantically, since it's the emotional intimacy that she values vs. the physical.)

 

Also, echoing everyone else, there's nothing wrong with you! And you both deserve happiness, so I really hope you can work something out. ❤️

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I can't do one-night stands and if I was seeing sex workers, I'd have to see the same couple of girls all the time, that I really connected with. I've got a 15 year intimacy deficit which I now see is mostly due to my own ignorance and I should have dealt with this years ago. But with kids, it never seemed right. They're both over 18 now and old enough to process it.
There has to be a chemical bond of some kind for me or I just don't perform.

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Right, that's all fair for you to state as a need, but you need to find out where her expectations/boundaries are at, and hope there's a Venn diagram there somewhere, or else shit is going to go sideways pretty fast for both of you (speaking from experience, sadly).

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Hi there!

Other people have given great advice; never having been married I don't think I can add anything useful.

I just wanted to say welcome to the forums, it's good you've come here for advice.

Like Grimalkin said, the situation is very tough for you, but I suppose your wife is insecure as well. If she doesn't know about asexuality she is very likely to feel broken, like there was something wrong with her. It's not a nice feeling either.

Have some cake :cake: -- it's not just for aces anymore.

 

All shall be well.

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NickyTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I lot of Asexuals will dismiss the notion that they're Asexual until they read something that's written by another Asexual.
That being the case, you could tell her that you think she might be Asexual, and then ask her to read this, http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/

 

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Well we had the talk. And it went so well. I wish I had known about this years ago. And I went with the blunt stick option.

She doesn't think she has a problem and seemed relieved that I no longer thought she had a problem, or that I was the problem. Gave me a
green light for whatever I want to do outside the marriage, as long as I don't tell her anything about it, as cake is better. She just wanted me to be happy and easier to  live with, so win- win all around. And I get cake too. She makes great cakes.
And FWIW she didn't care about the label so she's freelancing blissfully along. Apart from me harassing her, which will now stop, it's not really a problem in her life so she doesn't need support.

I'm going to stick around in the partners group for a while though.  I'm sure there is lots to learn.



 

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Moved to For Sexual Partners, Friends And Allies

Homer

Moderator Welcome Lounge

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Thanks Homer. I was so enthusiastic about finding all this information and probably got carried away.

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1 hour ago, SG100084 said:

Well we had the talk. And it went so well. I wish I had known about this years ago. And I went with the blunt stick option.

She doesn't think she has a problem and seemed relieved that I no longer thought she had a problem, or that I was the problem. Gave me a
green light for whatever I want to do outside the marriage, as long as I don't tell her anything about it, as cake is better. She just wanted me to be happy and easier to  live with, so win- win all around. And I get cake too. She makes great cakes.
And FWIW she didn't care about the label so she's freelancing blissfully along. Apart from me harassing her, which will now stop, it's not really a problem in her life so she doesn't need support.

I'm going to stick around in the partners group for a while though.  I'm sure there is lots to learn.



 

That sounds like a good conversation.  It still might be worth having some clear understanding on what you can do outside of marriage. Is it just sex, or can you spend an evening / night? Go on trips? Is romantic involvement OK? Can you take women on dates?  Just prostitutes, or are relationships with other non-professional women OK?

 

Just want to avoid unhappiness if turns out the two of you had different things in mind. 

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Oh we did. We have a word in Danish "bolleveninde" which is "friends with benefits". She said that was OK. I'd have told her more but it was like "I just don't want to know". 

I think she'd rather that than sex workers, as it's a lot cheaper and we're not made of money.

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anisotrophic
23 minutes ago, SG100084 said:

I think she'd rather that than sex workers, as it's a lot cheaper and we're not made of money.

This is making me laugh out loud, it's so wonderfully pragmatic.

 

Good for you - and fingers crossed!

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Glad the conversation went well and this new phase of your life is off to a workable-sounding start!

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I think my wife was just relieved that I now understand that I've been harassing her for all these years.

It was like... "I'm happy to tell you if that makes you feel secure". And she was like..."No it'll be icky and boring and I have to go and get something to eat now".

Had I planned better I would have bought a cake. 

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OK status update. It's been a roller coaster....

"I don't want to know" turned into "I want to know… everything". And she's gotten it into her head that I am looking for a full emotional attachment with my other lady, which neither the other lady nor myself are interested in. So we had a couple of days where she started throwing the d-word around and where I felt devastated about how sad she looked.

She seems back on board with it but this is going to take a long dialogue and period of acclimatisation. My other lady has been through all this herself and has so much understanding of the mechanisms that are going on that she's been a massive help. 

So I hope we are over the worst for now. Our kids know about it (they are both adults) - everything is in the open. And I saw my wife laughing and smiling again yesterday for the first time in a couple of days.

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Telecaster68

It's great that it's working out for you (assuming it continues the upward trajectory). I suspect your other partner's experience and knowledge is going to help a lot too.

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Even my longstanding poly friends often experience jealousy and/or fear of being replaced when their partners begin seeing a new partner and are still in the throes of new relationship energy.  It seems like normal

adjustment and not something indicative of (a lack of) longterm acceptance.

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It's a bit of a rollercoaster ride... now it's "OK we can stay living together but I don't think you're my man anymore".
Bearing in mind I haven't felt like "her man" for one and a half decades, I don't see this as being a big change in our lives. But she's pretty dejected at the moment.

This is so f..king difficult. I love this woman so much and it's utterly heartbreaking to see her like this. But there is no other way.

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It’s probably reasonable to expect it to take her a few months to either adjust or detemine that she just can’t be part of a polyamorous relationship.

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On ‎7‎/‎25‎/‎2018 at 4:22 PM, Grimalkin said:

A word of caution: While you're trying to figure this out, or when you're in counseling, or if there comes talk of separation, she may suddenly become interested in sexual activity again. It's a desperate move to smooth things over. I, the asexual person, did this to my poor boyfriend when we were talking of breaking up. I suddenly wanted to be close to him again, but when we temporarily got back together I realized I still didn't like sex, I had just missed him. It's hard, but if she hasn't shown an interest in sex, nor a desire to change any of that, in fifteen years, then she's almost assuredly never going to.

Well guess what just happened today...

Had a brilliant day with her. And then she started asking questions about the other woman again, wanted to see a picture of her and how far we had progressed in our affair so said it wasn't "consummated" yet which it strictly speaking isn't, but spared her the details.

And then announced that "well I was willing to try and heal this but now you've gone this far with the other woman I can't".

Hurting so bad now for hurting her so much but thanks for this warning. Problem is now it really makes me look like the bad guy, when as far as I am concerned there is no bad guy. But now it's like I've rejected her before she had a chance to fix it.




 

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Telecaster68
19 minutes ago, SG100084 said:

Well guess what just happened today...

Had a brilliant day with her. And then she started asking questions about the other woman again, wanted to see a picture of her and how far we had progressed in our affair so said it wasn't "consummated" yet which it strictly speaking isn't, but spared her the details.

And then announced that "well I was willing to try and heal this but now you've gone this far with the other woman I can't".

Hurting so bad now for hurting her so much but thanks for this warning. Problem is now it really makes me look like the bad guy, when as far as I am concerned there is no bad guy. But now it's like I've rejected her before she had a chance to fix it.




 

Maybe it's just how she's feeling at the moment and it'll pass. Even if she has permanently changed her mind, it's hardly fair on you (or your lover) to keep chopping and changing; it sounds like she could just as easily announce she was fine with it to tomorrow. 

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24 minutes ago, SG100084 said:

Well guess what just happened today...

Had a brilliant day with her. And then she started asking questions about the other woman again, wanted to see a picture of her and how far we had progressed in our affair so said it wasn't "consummated" yet which it strictly speaking isn't, but spared her the details.

And then announced that "well I was willing to try and heal this but now you've gone this far with the other woman I can't".

Hurting so bad now for hurting her so much but thanks for this warning. Problem is now it really makes me look like the bad guy, when as far as I am concerned there is no bad guy. But now it's like I've rejected her before she had a chance to fix it.

Ugh, I'm sorry man. It's hard on both sides to let such a long relationship go, and I'm sure she's feeling hurt, but she did bring this upon herself somewhat.

 

Be strong. Remember that she had fifteen years to "fix" it and did no such thing. She misses you like all humans do, but she's still asexual, and that isn't going to change.

 

You're right that there's no bad guy, but it might feel that way for a while.

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anisotrophic

I've been thinking about this and, at first I felt bad for your wife, but on reflection...

 

What, did she think you weren't serious? Did she think she was calling some sort of a bluff?

 

It's not okay to act bored and not take someone seriously, and then act betrayed about it later. To me it feels like it communicates an underlying lack of respect for your needs and feelings.

 

I'm probably reading too much into it, but... yeah.

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Sometimes it’s easier to be okay with something in theory than it is to handle the unexpected flood of emotions that accompanies it in reality... and, depending on the partner, sometimes plans rarely/never materialize.

 

I’m holding off on forming a useful opinion until more time has gone by.

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Still rollercoasting, but mostly smoothly and now she's saying we could try working towards having a sex life again but still making loads of conditions, as if to ensure that never actually comes to fruition. And already talking about what I want vs. what she could live with, the gap is too big to bridge. I think she is deeply worried about the family breaking up because I will fall hard for the woman I am having an affair with. My other lady is great for me so far and we are totally compatible sexually, but we don't really have anything else in common apart from our experience of sexless marriages, so we get on great with lots of tenderness, make each other feel good but I don't see myself falling in love with her. It's just really hot right now.

Wife is in firm denial that she is asexual and blames me for turning her off me due to anger issues. I don't buy this. I'm enough of a realist to know this is clutching at straws but I also don't want to see her drop off the cliff edge either. One day when my own sexual urges subside, then she's still the person I want to grow old with.

I've also started exploring whether I might be poly, as this feels totally natural and sensible to me and can't intellectually understand why my wife is having such a hard time with it. 

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12 minutes ago, SG100084 said:

One day when my own sexual urges subside, then she's still the person I want to grow old with.

1) The sexual urges may never subside.

2) Does your wife understand this?

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49 minutes ago, SG100084 said:

My other lady is great for me so far and we are totally compatible sexually, but we don't really have anything else in common apart from our experience of sexless marriages, so we get on great with lots of tenderness, make each other feel good but I don't see myself falling in love with her.

You’ll want to keep reiterating this to your wife, assuming you want to continue in your (open) marriage... which it sounds like you do.

 

51 minutes ago, SG100084 said:

Wife is in firm denial that she is asexual and blames me for turning her off me due to anger issues. I don't buy this. I'm enough of a realist to know this is clutching at straws but I also don't want to see her drop off the cliff edge either.

This is potentially a place where a good therapist with asexuality familiarity could help get to the true root(s) of the situation.

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