What’s fair in an open relationship?

[SG100084]

I've found this hugely interesting.

Maybe the Mormon polygamists are really onto something. Had that talk with my wife a few times over the years, that she could have another woman in the house that slept with me, if she could get on with her.

[anamikanon]

On 7/25/2018 at 2:05 PM, Stroodle said:

I asked if we could have sex in May and it’s almost August now and I’m still waiting. It’s important to add that we haven’t had sex in 2 years now.

You can't control what he does, but you CAN control what you do. Discuss this with him. Ask him about sex again. This time have a definite timeline/frequency that you'd prefer. Be clear in your own mind what you will do if he cannot offer sex. Also discuss it with him. But set things up so that the time lapsing leaves you with specific direction rather than a limbo.

 

However, I see several red flags in the rest of your post.

 

On 7/25/2018 at 2:05 PM, Stroodle said:

 

I genuinely could do an anonymous sex thing and not stray emotionally. 

Famous last words. Sex is an intimate thing and not always possible to engage in cold-bloodedly and in control of what we feel. There are excellent forums at polyamory.com - you may want to check them out for the number of times this thing happens - "only sex and no emotions" is an unrealistic commitment to make to a partner. You can't control your emotions, so then what happens? A mess, because you'll be forced to either go back on your word or wreck your relationship

 

It is entirely possible to have sex with someone without getting involved with them, but it is not possible to guarantee it. You don't know the future..

 

On 7/25/2018 at 2:05 PM, Stroodle said:

I KNOW how amazing I have it with my guy and am over the moon happy with him and never want us to ever, ever, EVER be apart, I just miss the physical act of sex. I feel awful wanting sex with anyone else but I don’t want to ask for sex every time I want it.

You don't sound non-monogamous. Though you say you "can" do it. If you're monogamous at heart, if you find a satisfying relationship, you'll move on, which would actually be unfair to your partner, because to him, it would appear like you hung on to him till you found someone better.

 

Also, as is often repeated on the Poly forums, non-monogamy isn't a band-aid to a bad relationship. In fact, it tends to magnify problems - at least initially. If your relationship with your partner is not satisfying, having sex with someone else won't fix it. If anything, poly added to an already stressed relationship will magnify insecurities.

 

You may be better off addressing issues in your existing relationship before adding a new one. You could even consider entering an explicit QPR with him and being open to a new monogamous relationship.

 

On 7/25/2018 at 2:05 PM, Stroodle said:

I don’t want to be in an open relegationship but I just really missed going to pound town sometimes. 

This person does not sound suitable as a sexual partner for you.

 

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About whether he can have sex with someone else? Depends on whether he has a sex drive and is able to have sex. If he is, it is possible. My ace had an affair outside our relationship. There wasn't a lot of sex (once). His sexual drive is low, but present. He doesn't desire anyone as such, but sometimes the "situation seems suitable for sex" and he is aroused. We were non-monogamous, but he still cheated on me, nearly wrecking our relationship and my peace of mind, because he was simply not able to talk about it. We didn't know then that he was ace. That relationship died too, because he simply couldn't handle it.

 

Since then, he's "ethically monogamous" though he doesn't believe monogamy as a natural state, but it is a choice he made after seeing the pain caused all around (including to him). I am still polyamorous, though I don't actually have another partner. However, I have often suggested that he try another relationship, possibly with another ace to have an intimate space where he doesn't have to worry about sex at all. He isn't interested, and frankly, we are in a QPR by now, so it has become sort of irrelevant.

 

In the sense that his "sexual need" being met in another relationship could well be the complete absense of pressure for sex, while still being able to be intimate without worrying about consequences. While I still wanted him to meet my sexual needs, no matter how understanding or accommodating I was, the fact of it was that I was a sexual person wanting sex that he wasn't in the mood for - even if he never had to have it. In an open marriage, another relationship that was a QPR could well provide space to safely get intimate without guilt.

[ryn2]

On 7/25/2018 at 4:35 AM, Stroodle said:

We briefly discussed doing an open thing in May this year but he said he didn’t realize how much I wanted to have sex and if having an open relationship were fair, he’d be with someone sexually too, but if that’s they case, we should just have sex with each other

This is probably oversimplifying a bit, as I know the road from closed to open relationship can be complicated, but to me this reaction (especially if it lasts beyond the initial knee-jerk hurt feelings timeframe) is a good indicator your partner either isn’t naturally poly or doesn’t believe you are.  It’s similar to “fine, you’re going to cheat?  I’m going to cheat too.  Just watch me.”

 

While open relationships and polyamory can certainly prove helpful in mixed relationships, not everyone is naturally poly and not every naturally monogamous person can make the choice to act poly successfully.  That doesn’t just apply to the ace partner; as was mentioned above, if the sexual partner is naturally monogamous he/she/they will end up wanting to be (monogamous) with the intended secondary if that relationship “clicks.”

[MrDane]

She hoped for some sexy we-time, but he didnt want it. She can openly get her sexy time without cheating. He does not control that. He has the invitation. He just doesnt want it. If she goes to get sexy times with someone else, he migth feel left behind. But nobody controls him. He could go do his thing (which isnt sex), perhaps eat cake. Aces seem to have a thing for cake. If they still want to have a mutual bonding, living together life, then so be it. No reason for her to live sexless, if that makes her miserable. 

[ryn2]

From the original post it’s not clear that they ultimately agreed to an open marriage (so far) for both/either of them... so at this point it still sounds like she maybe can’t find sexy times with cheating.

[SG100084]

This is actually a really difficult one, and having lived through this as something very new for the last week, I have some perspectives. Seeing my wife so dejected the last couple of days once she realised that "do what you want" meant engaging with a single partner has been devastating to me.

1) I am not good at sex without intimacy. If I was going to see sex workers, it would be the same sex worker, all the time, who I really liked - and not just physically. So I might as well have an affair. It's cheaper. My wife is pragmatic and gets this.
2) Sexuality is a lifetime adventure. I have found someone who wants to embark on exactly the same journey as me, with the same stop-overs and distractions, places my wife would never want to go. My lover and I are into exactly the same thing, and although our life stories converge, our interests in real life are very different. My wife finds this difficult. And all I can do is to be completely open about current status.
3) To be perfectly honest, my ACE wife seems to be most concerned about how much time and money I would be spending on/with the other lady, rather than actual jealousy or anger about me having sex with somebody else. Once I told her my new lady was of independent means, better paid than me and had her own transport and "place to be", then she seemed to ease back on the concerns.
4) I've been open with our two adult sons about this before embarking upon the affair. And they have both been understanding and completely understand that it doesn't mean I no longer love their mother. Actually I love their mother more than ever now, as the shadow has lifted.


 

[Wandering Around]

On 7/25/2018 at 3:55 PM, SG100084 said:

One day I bet there will be a  Tinder equivalent for sexual partners of ACE people to hook up without feeling bad about it.

 

That sounds like an answer to an unspoken prayer.