lunarmorgan

Romantic vs. Liking Romance (?)

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lunarmorgan

I've never had crushes, or specific romantic attraction to individuals. I've had very strong squishes (I tend to call them muses, as I am an artist and find inspiration through interacting with them), and I have been playing around with the idea that I am aromantic for the past year or so. I've known I was asexual since I was maybe 14. Back then, that seemed to be more than enough for me to feel like I was abnormal. Nowadays, it feels like the term sex-repulsed or sex-neutral asexual doesn't quite describe me completely.

 

But, here's the thing. I like romance, albeit in small doses. I enjoy more than just the idea of it on occasion too, and I've been in several romantic relationships. I have never been "in love," and even when I felt that my relationship with my partner was at peak intimacy, my attachment didn't match the "in love" feeling that they expressed. This is where I often consider aromantic as a potential word to describe me. On the other hand, part of me refuses to accept that because I don't mind the affection and intimacy of romantic relationships.

 

Is there a word for this? I'm aware that there are many, different names for those on the aro and ace spectrum, but I'm not familiar with most of them. Am I not aromantic, or is it possible I am  on the gray- aro spectrum? I don't think I've ever experienced romantic attraction, but sometimes I feel the pull for proximity or nearness to certain individuals which is often interpreted by others as romantic attraction. Are there aromantics out there that enjoy romantic relationships too?

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EmbrAce It

There are an infinite amount of ways you could use to define romantic attraction - that's up to you, mostly, but the universal definition is somewhere along the lines of "a draw to a (specific) person in which you would like to date them (usually it's "would like to engage in romantic activities, but sometimes that's not helpful)". You could be experiencing squishes, and you have sensual attraction or alterous attraction towards other people.

Since you've been in romantic relationships before, I might think that you could be cupioromantic (not having the actual attraction, but longing for or enjoying romantic relationships). However, there is a master list of romanticisms out there somewhere, which would likely be more helpful than what I can provide. If there isn't a list, check out the thread (somewhere in the questions about Asexuality or some other related topic) in which someone listed all the known/recognized sexualities and add "-romantic" to the end as opposed to "-sexual".

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Someone Else

I wasn't relieved when I discovered asexuality, I was devastated.  I really wanted to feel those things that sexual people and people in love.  I'd spent my whole life telling myself that I just needed to find the right person, but the older I got the harder it was to believe.
So you could say I like the idea of romance (that is,being madly in love) and sex, but not necessarily the reality as it involves me, at least so far.

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The Angel of Eternity
51 minutes ago, lunarmorgan said:

Is there a word for this?

Yes. Cupioromantic.

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princessem1020

I am a very romantic person and like romance, but I can say they are different things and can be separate. Like having feelings or acting them are two things, or enjoy romantic media or seeing someone else's wedding are also another two separate things.

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InariYana

I'm probably the other way round - I'm a romantic person but I don't like full-blown romance in films or stories and even if I have a crush on someone (which just "happens" and is beyond my control), a part of me thinks this is such a stupid state of mind... Another part of me happily prances about in clouds of pink smoke, like drugged, hypnotized, or something... :lol: Also, I find myself fantasising about romantic scenarios involving myself and that other person, but then again I realise that those images are so unrealistic and idealised, and I'm simply wasting my time.  

So... I experience romantic attraction, but my feelings towards it are ambivalent, to say the least. 

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Zorc

Think of it this way, would you feel any differently about your former relationships if you were just really close friends? If no, you might be aromantic. If yes, but only because of the romance towards you, you might be cupioromantic. If you couldn't possibly bear to have it any other way, you might be some variety of alloromantic...

Hope this perspective helps.

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lunarmorgan
On 7/29/2018 at 5:55 AM, Zorc said:

Think of it this way, would you feel any differently about your former relationships if you were just really close friends? If no, you might be aromantic. If yes, but only because of the romance towards you, you might be cupioromantic. If you couldn't possibly bear to have it any other way, you might be some variety of alloromantic...

Hope this perspective helps.

Hm. I'm liking the cupioromantic term. From my view, my former "romantic" relationships were the equivalents of close friends. What made it more than that was that it was labeled as romantic, and my partners defined the relationships as romantic.

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lunarmorgan
On 7/24/2018 at 12:04 PM, The Angel of Eternity said:

Yes. Cupioromantic.

thank you!

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lunarmorgan
On 7/24/2018 at 11:27 AM, EmbrAce It said:

There are an infinite amount of ways you could use to define romantic attraction - that's up to you, mostly, but the universal definition is somewhere along the lines of "a draw to a (specific) person in which you would like to date them (usually it's "would like to engage in romantic activities, but sometimes that's not helpful)". You could be experiencing squishes, and you have sensual attraction or alterous attraction towards other people.

Since you've been in romantic relationships before, I might think that you could be cupioromantic (not having the actual attraction, but longing for or enjoying romantic relationships). However, there is a master list of romanticisms out there somewhere, which would likely be more helpful than what I can provide. If there isn't a list, check out the thread (somewhere in the questions about Asexuality or some other related topic) in which someone listed all the known/recognized sexualities and add "-romantic" to the end as opposed to "-sexual".

sensual and alterous attraction sound like some cool things for me to do research on now. heh, thanks very much!

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GL_Morticia

Some people on here have defined romance as wanting to be two halves united, and make my problems your problems and whatnot. I don't necessarily want that from someone. I've never really been in a relationship. I've never dated, although I have had sexual experiences with men and women, I think just to not feel lonely, but they were not fulfilling at all and left me kind of shell shocked, which makes me definitely think I'm asexual.

 

But I do want someone that knows me, and thinks of me when they see something in a store or on TV. I want to want to share with someone, to cook for them, go the movies, complain about life to, and kiss goodnight. I don't want to have someone all in my space, but I want to relate to someone. That being said, I have a lot of anxiety, and doing anyting that I want to do takes tremendous, rare effort so it never gets accomplished....

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Smabbles

I had a discussion with some of my aro friends about this topic and found that it is just like being asexual. Just like you can get sex repulsed/neutral/positive asexuals, then you can get romantic repulsed/neutral/positive aros! Just because the attraction isnt there (or not always there) doesn't mean you cant enjoy the action ^~^

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Marcin
On 8/14/2018 at 6:25 PM, GL_Morticia said:

Some people on here have defined romance as wanting to be two halves united, and make my problems your problems and whatnot.

I don't like first part (we shouldn't be halves, we are two wholes, just sharing lives together), but second part is natural for me whenever I care for someone. I don't even know how is it possible to call someone a partner (or even a friend) and not care about their problems...

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GL_Morticia
43 minutes ago, Marcin said:

I don't like first part (we shouldn't be halves, we are two wholes, just sharing lives together), but second part is natural for me whenever I care for someone. I don't even know how is it possible to call someone a partner (or even a friend) and not care about their problems...

caring about someone else's problems is empathy. I don't think you have to be attracted to someone in any way to care for their well being.

I do think some people have ideas about relationships that are based on spreading dysfunction. being "with" someone should be an edifying experience. yall should be learning from each other and offering tools of support for self-empowerment, not dumping a load of baggage on your partner's front door.

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Marcin
3 minutes ago, GL_Morticia said:

being "with" someone should be an edifying experience. yall should be learning from each other and offering tools of support for self-empowerment, not dumping a load of baggage on your partner's front door.

Exactly that!

 

Personally I add to it that we should want to do things together, because a lot of people don't seem to value that... For example, I don't really like when someone cooks for me, I prefer to cook together. But I think that's just me being weird... :)

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GL_Morticia
13 minutes ago, Marcin said:

Personally I add to it that we should want to do things together, because a lot of people don't seem to value that... 

sometimes. i like doing things for people. that's my "love language". ( I'd recommend that book in case you've never heard of it.) It's a journey to be accepted into your partners circle of interests. things that they normally do for/by themselves, now they want to include you in? that's big deal. I guess I'd have a hard time doing that.

I've become a really private person, but I want to share parts of myself with someone who wants to do the same. But is it selfish to choose which parts?  Dunno...

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Marcin
11 minutes ago, GL_Morticia said:

It's a journey to be accepted into your partners circle of interests. things that they normally do for/by themselves, now they want to include you in? that's big deal. I guess I'd have a hard time doing that. 

I've become a really private person, but I want to share parts of myself with someone who wants to do the same. But is it selfish to choose which parts?  Dunno...

I agree, it's definitely a journey. However, ultimately I'd like to trust my partner so much that I wouldn't have any problems sharing anything with them, as long as they are interested in it of course. Guess I just want to be able to be vulnerable with my partner (and vice versa, I'd like them to be able to be vulnerable with me without fear)... That's huge part of deep relationship for me.

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CatsClubsNCake
On 7/24/2018 at 5:12 PM, lunarmorgan said:

Are there aromantics out there that enjoy romantic relationships too?

My thoughts exactly! 

I identify as aromantic, a label I have come to accept very recently after discovering my crushes were never crushes all along, they were squishes.

However, I do not mind and sometimes even desire romantic relationships.

 

For that reason, I choose to call myself romance-positive aromantic 😊

 

I think that finding that term really helped me and may help you. 

Hope you were able to identify with it :)

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lunarmorgan
On 8/25/2018 at 10:14 PM, CatsClubsNCake said:

 

For that reason, I choose to call myself romance-positive aromantic 😊

 

 

On 8/14/2018 at 8:05 AM, Smabbles said:

I had a discussion with some of my aro friends about this topic and found that it is just like being asexual. Just like you can get sex repulsed/neutral/positive asexuals, then you can get romantic repulsed/neutral/positive aros! Just because the attraction isnt there (or not always there) doesn't mean you cant enjoy the action ^~^

 

I really think I identify with these! I think that I understood that in the back of my mind somewhere, but it took seeing someone else write it out for me to acknowledge that.  I think a part of me feels guilty because of how my lack of attraction played a role in the ending of my previous long-term relationship (Although, in my defense, I was very clear about my identity from the beginning).

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