It's a lose - lose situation.

[Nima]

Usually we look for win-win. Or at least a situation where both parties leave slightly dissatisfied.  At least,  in terms of sales , this is an agreeable situation.  But today is one of those days again. He's been subtlety hinting at wanting to be intimate. Did a few not so fun chores, made sure the bedroom stayed nice and cool during this icky sticky summer heat, made dinner, which turned out different from what I expected, but still really awesome, and now retreated to our air conditioned bedroom. Those living outside the US might appreciate the thought. ... I took the rest of the wine with me to the balcony. 

Damned if you do. ...

I know what my  (very) sexual husband has in mind.  We wouldn't have been married for damn near 25 years, if I didn't understand. So I'm left feeling like a bitch. Because damned me, if I go and do the obligatory thing, and damned him, if he doesn't get any. 

This is a lose lose situation, especially now that I know he's disappointed again, but I still don't feel good not giving it up.

Wish it was tomorrow already. 

[Ennis]

More like a win-lose situation. The only question is who is going to lose.

Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me.

[Telecaster68]

As someone who's been in something like your husband's position, I have to ask if he knows how you feel about sex and that it's not just low libido or a dry spell or circumstantial, but an inherent part of how you are? 

 

If he does, and he's still trying to use chore play and covert contracts to inveigle you into sex, then he's not acting very ethically as he knows ultimately he's playing on your guilt. Even if it sort of works now, it won't work forever, won't result in the sort of sex he wants anyway. 

 

If he doesn't know you're asexual, he's just trying to be a good, considerate husband, in the hopes you'll feel more sexually attracted to him and want to have sex, which is a completely reasonable way to behave. So that's a conversation you need to have, and your marriage is going to need some fundamental renegotiating afterwards. 

[Nima]

16 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

he's just trying to be a good, considerate husband, in the hope

.... he's a great man. I just don't think he really buys this asexual thing. For me, it wad tjis whole "I am not an alien" relief to have found out about it,  to him (it seems to me ) it's just another term for low/no libido or being a woman after children. He invested more time in figuring out what may turn me on,  than coming to terms with the fact that nothing really.  Sorry. 

But it turned out to be a lovely evening on a summer night outdoors.

17 hours ago, Jona said:

Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me

You might be right, Jona , and I don't drink wine or eat chocolate because it's the healthy thing to do, either. 

Although I don't smoke anymore and have been riding the bike to work instead of bussing it. Lost one size already.  

We've been through a lot together. he's my only best friend for 25 years, I love him dearly, just differently than he loves me. I don't want to lose him, and I know there need to be adjustments. Soon enough 

[Telecaster68]

6 minutes ago, Nima said:

/no libido or being a woman after children. 

This is the issue then. He needs to understand its not that. Just as if you had realised you were gay, there is nothing he can do about it, and there's nothing broken about you that needs fixing. There's no desire in you that can be reawakened - which is what he's trying to do. 

 

Your can choose to have sex with him for your own reasons, but they're nothing to do with him, and you'll never want sex for yourself. You'd be happy to never have sex again. 

 

All of this is completely alien and baffling to sexuals, which is why it needs spelling out explicitly and probably repeatedly. It will be hard for both of you as its fundamentally changing the basis of your relationship, and he gets no say in it. From his perspective its exactly as though you'd come out as gay. 

 

One way to think about it is, when you say 'I don't want to have sex with you', you mean 'I don't want to *have sex* with you' - ie everything else about the relationship is fine, just, not sex. He hears 'I don't want to have sex *with you*' - ie, I don't want to do the most intimate, exclusive thing a couple can do with do. To sexuals, the only explanation for this is that something is seriously wrong with the relationship. The idea you don't want sex with anyone, ever, is not something we can easily get our heads round. It also means that he had no choice about whether he has sex again short of ending the relationship. 

 

I don't mean to sound negative. I'm just trying to lay out the gap in understanding I set between you. 

[Nima]

😢 😥 😚

[imnotafreakofnature!]

I'm in the same boat you're in, Nima. And I agree with you that it's a lose-lose situation. We've had that "Just because I don't want sex doesn't mean I don't love you" conversation more times than I can count, but my husband just doesn't feel loved without sex. I don't feel loved with it. We do it once a week, which is a huge concession for him. He doesn't seem to realize what a huge concession it is on my part, too. Part of being in a relationship is accepting that you're not the only person who matters, and compromise is always required. Like you, I love my husband and want him to be happy, but doing "The Deed" is betraying myself, and I often wonder how much longer I can keep it up.

[Nima]

 

On 8/3/2018 at 1:25 AM, imnotafreakofnature! said:

I'm in the same boat you're in, Nima. And I agree with you that it's a lose-lose situation. We've had that "Just because I don't want sex doesn't mean I don't love you" conversation more times than I can count, but my husband just doesn't feel loved without sex. I don't feel loved with it. We do it once a week, which is a huge concession for him. He doesn't seem to realize what a huge concession it is on my part, too. Part of being in a relationship is accepting that you're not the only person who matters, and compromise is always required. Like you, I love my husband and want him to be happy, but doing "The Deed" is betraying myself, and I often wonder how much longer I can keep it up.

Sorry Inafon, I don't know how your reply slipped past me in my notifications. How long have you been together and when did you know you were asexual? 

Do you have a scheduled "date night"? I tried bringing that up for us several times, because I feel it would be easier for me not to feel pestered on the days when we previously agreed it's a no go and mentally prepare in advance for the days we do. But he doesn't dig the "Vogon" bureaucratic approach. He's a spontaneous person.  Which also means I put up with days of his lonely puppy dog glances and suppressed sighs... I don't think he's doing it on purpose, Im just really sensitive to his moods. 

Something has to change. 

Neither one of us is very comfortable with the current situation. 

[imnotafreakofnature!]

On ‎8‎/‎25‎/‎2018 at 2:10 PM, Nima said:

 

Sorry Inafon, I don't know how your reply slipped past me in my notifications. How long have you been together and when did you know you were asexual? 

Do you have a scheduled "date night"? I tried bringing that up for us several times, because I feel it would be easier for me not to feel pestered on the days when we previously agreed it's a no go and mentally prepare in advance for the days we do. But he doesn't dig the "Vogon" bureaucratic approach. He's a spontaneous person.  Which also means I put up with days of his lonely puppy dog glances and suppressed sighs... I don't think he's doing it on purpose, Im just really sensitive to his moods. 

Something has to change. 

Neither one of us is very comfortable with the current situation. 

We just celebrated ten years last week, but I never knew asexuality was even a thing until about two years ago. If I'd known, I certainly wouldn't have gotten married again, at least not to a sexual. It's not fair to either of us. I honestly believed that my aversion to sex was because of the way my ex treated me, and my husband now treats me like gold. I love him dearly, and this is the only thing we really fight about. We don't even fight about money.

 

Hubby's a morning man (he has more energy then, he says), and Saturday is the only morning we both have available, so that's when we have our weekly "encounter."