Is It Normal To become Asexual Out of Unbearable Regret? (TW: sexual abuse)

[Someone At A Place]

Hi I'm new here so don't mind me,

 

I really need to know if you could become asexual from immense guilt (which I don't know if it could be classified as trauma), the only things I've found is that 'Asexuality isn't a disorder developed from abuse.' and 'You are born a certain sexuality, not made one." Please clarify this for me! And this is my story to help judgement:

 

When I was only 8 and a half years old, and my brother was 13, he was going through those 'changes'. So he was suddenly hypersexual. I was pretty much his only friend, and really naive and gullible. I bet you can see where this is going but, I let him molest me, and touch me and that stuff, and pretty much rape me. I was unsure of it but had this idea that he was wiser and to be trusted, so I thought that this was normal. IT WAS VERY NOT even more than it would usually be, since he even has multiple mental illnesses and conditions. Luckily, he was wise-ish and knew that it was very against the law to participate in sexual activities with someone who doesn't want to. And these 'activities' went on for slightly less than a year. I started to realise that this isn't very good, but I was afraid of him, I couldn't tell anyone because I loved my brother, in a brotherly way, and I didn't want anything bad to happen to him. He would keep pestering me about it, in any and all the time we had alone. I clearly remember him trying to guilt me into it by saying, "What if I died tomorrow, without ever tasting pussy? Would you do it?" or something along those lines. And another time, because we both loved The Elder Scrolls, "If you had a khajiit boyfriend, wouldn't you let him taste you?" I'm pretty sure both those were said within the same 10mins. And now, how it ultimately ended. It was one night, that I painfully remember as not long before mother's day. When he was examining my vagina with a torch and saying "Oh, you are beautiful!" many times, my father bust through the door and starting screaming and shout at us. I was never forget the horror and embarrassment I felt for weeks after, and the pure rage on his face, like he was going to murder someone. That someone was defiantly my brother, he was blamed for everything, including things that obviously my little sister or I had done. Half of the fear was for my brother, what's his punishment now? Beating? locked out of the house all night? No food at all tomorrow? And those were normal, until I found out about forms of child abuse. I still remember every single detail of that night. the shouting, the screaming, the crying, genuinely fearing for my brother's life.

 

I would say that I'm glad it's behind me now, but I remember it like it happened just now. Any feelings now remind my of that very moment, and it makes me cry, every last scrawny crumb of remorse is reserved for living hell that is then. If there are grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, sorry, I couldn't bare rereading it, even writing it and pulling forth those memories was painful and head ache inducing. Please don't hate my brother, we both feel physical pain from that moment, and it's only added to his depression and suicidal thoughts since. The only reason he's still alive is because it will upset me.

Any feedback is appreciated.

[Guest]

Have you talked to a therapist about this? That's really serious stuff and you've been through something really terrible.

 

Given the content I think you need to put the text in a spoiler and write TW (Trigger Warning) in the title and before the content.

[everywhere and nowhere]

 

And yes, I believe that people who have asexual feelings due to trauma, illness, medication or other such reasons have a right to consider themselves at least "effectively asexual".

[Anthracite_Impreza]

I wouldn't say it's normal, but I guess it's possible. I think you should definitely see a therapist though, this is some really grim stuff.

[andreas1033]

I would think its certainly possible, you could end up asexual because of such a thing.

 

This is why there is an age of consent, as plenty to do with sex, is in your mind, and at your age you should never of been exposed to such an experience.

 

Its good you can talk about such things.

 

If your being truthful, you should never of been through such an experience, and i am sure, seeing your brain deals with trauma, and how it creates blocks, this sort of thing will block you to experience a normal sexual drive, that most people have.

 

This sort of thing for sure, can make a person asexual. Thats if you are being truthful, and your not a troll.

 

For sure, how the brain works, it will create blocks, to do with trauma, and this is one of the the biggest reasons why asexuals would be such people, through environmental things. If you have a trauma, to do with sexual stuff before your ready, it most definitely could create a trauma block in your brain, to stop you experiencing a normal sexual drive later on in life, like adult life.

 

Your probably not alone in such a horrible event, and its good you can speak about it. You really need professional help though, with people that know what they are doing.

 

You see when you have a trauma, your brain will create a wall, to stop you experiencing things that bring you pain. It will just block it, this is certainly one reason why you may be asexual.

 

If you are asexual because of this, its because your brain has put a wall up around that trauma, and will not let you experience those things, that lead to pain. You cannot be asexual because of regret, but what you claim you went through certainly could make a person asexual. Your brain was not ready at that very young age, to deal with the mental side of sexual experiences.

[Phalena]

I can understand you very well. For me it wasn't an older brother though... I won't necessarly recommend "professional help" though. It takes forever until you'd get an appointement and if they care to help you, at all and call you a sl** between the lines or something similar: it'll cost time, a heck lot of money and all they'll effectively do is tell you how to live with it. They cannot "heal" you. So, you can/could read more about it in Internet and libraries instead to take care of yourself. All they would tell you are things that you can teach yourself.

 

And let me tell you this: You are NOT broken! If not having sex is what makes you feel the most comfortable and feel save then it is the very right decision you have taken.

 

Maybe you'll find one or several people that back you up and if you feel strong enough you'll confront your brother! If you're not afraid of stigma too much you can sue him because he needs to be put away!
 

[everywhere and nowhere]

33 minutes ago, MiffKeks said:

And let me tell you this: You are NOT broken! If not having sex is what makes you feel the most comfortable and feel save then it is the very right decision you have taken.

I absolutely support. My stance is based on the concept of survivor autonomy.

 

(from the publication "Betrayal. A critical analysis of raoe culture in anarchist subcultures")

Quote

Survivor Autonomy - The theoretical foundation upon which most radical support work is based. Survivor Autonomy is the concept that a survivor should be given the power and autonomy to decide for themselves how to deal with their own trauma, and that the role of supporters is to empower and encourage this autonomy. This stands in contrast to other approaches which do not see the survivor as having the best understanding of their own needs or recognize each survivors needs as truly unique and different, but instead seek to impose the “proper” way to heal upon them.

 

[Karst]

You are not broken, and you are incredibly brave to share this.

Just because your asexuality came from trauma doesn't make it less valid than that of someone who feels that they were "born this way".

And it's entirely your choice whether or not you want to take this to a therapist. Some people find it helpful, others, not so much.

*hugs*

[ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø]

@Someone At A Place Hi! Welcome to heAVEN! Have some 🍰!

 

I'm sorry these events have happened in your life. Gosh, that wasn't right for him to do those things to you.

[Just Somebody]

Oh my god, this story is terrible, and youre pretty much scarred,  and I advice you to get some professional therapy help. you and your brother, he's sick,  and he clearly abused you, he manipulated and forced you to give your consent.

 

 

Well... yeah , there's people like acorsexuals in the gray-sexual umbrella, that feel attraction but can't act upon it due to bad experiences , there's also requiesexuals who lost the ability to feel attraction due to emotional exhaustion, there's caedsexuals who also lost it to trauma , there's adfectusexuals who have their sexuality influenced by their neurodivergency. ...

 

[Homer]

Moved to Questions About Asexuality

Homer

Moderator Welcome Lounge

[Homer]

Sounds more like trauma than asexuality. There's a huge difference between these two.

[everywhere and nowhere]

4 minutes ago, Homer said:

Sounds more like trauma than asexuality. There's a huge difference between these two.

Yes, it's the difference between "asexual due to reasons unknown" and "effectively asexual due to trauma".

#identitypolicing

[Homer]

4 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Yes, it's the difference between "asexual due to reasons unknown" and "effectively asexual due to trauma".

#identitypolicing

I'm not going to explain this to you for the umpteenth time though...