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My s/o is allosexual


FlexibleAsexual

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FlexibleAsexual

So, I’m dating someone who is allosexual (I’m asexual), and they’re very sexual towards me. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and I REALLY want to ask them to stop/tone it down. But, I don’t want to be labeled as someone who is prudish/rude. Advice? 

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I think you shouldn't worry about how you come off too much. Just tell him what you just told us - you're uncomfortable with it and you wanna ask him to tone it down. That's perfectly polite and respectful. Nothing wrong with being uncomfortable and you can't help it anyway. So what would really be rude would be to say you're prudish for it as if it was a weakness of character that you have personal boundaries.

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Anthracite_Impreza

If you aren't comfortable with it you really need to tell them. Do they know you're ace? Have you discussed it?

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everywhere and nowhere

Is it something BAD to be prudish? Some people are easily embarassed by sexual stuff, nudity etc. and there's nothing wrong with that. If being a "prude" is defined by discomfort with nudity, that I'm an extreme prude.

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if you didn't want to be caught without six arms like a proper spider, would you strap mannequin arms to yourself? be who you are to this person that you care about.

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You need to tell them that you're uncomfortable with it. Otherwise it could end in a bad manner and in the end you would be blamed. If they can't accept that you don't want to and try to push they don't deserve you anyways. Being calld prudish means nothing here! Either they deal with it or they can leave. Don't waist your time and please don't put yourself in danger.

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4 hours ago, FlexibleAsexual said:

But, I don’t want to be labeled as someone who is prudish/rude

If this is something your partner would do, why would you want to be with them anyway?

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You're not being rude or prudish by saying that you're uncomfortable. You're establishing boundaries in your relationship, and it's their responsibility to respect those boundaries. If they can't, then you shouldn't be with them, as it's hazardous to your well-being. Remember to be safe.

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The thing about relationships is, you have to be honest. Even if you're afraid of how they'll react, you have to tell them the truth. If you're unhappy, then you're s/o will be unhappy, and the relationship will fall apart. If you tell the truth and they make a big deal out of it, if they call you names like prude, then I'm sorry, but the relationship probably isn't meant to last anyway. They should accept your feelings and adjust their behavior, just as if they had a problem with you, you would accept how they feel and adjust.

 

Work together, get the conversation started, and see where it goes. Best of luck!

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FlexibleAsexual
12 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

If you aren't comfortable with it you really need to tell them. Do they know you're ace? Have you discussed it?

I’m 100% sure they know I’m ace (as I’ve mentioned it before). I have no idea why I’m so scared to tell them my boundaries, I just am. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but thanks for the advice.

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3 minutes ago, FlexibleAsexual said:

I’m 100% sure they know I’m ace (as I’ve mentioned it before). I have no idea why I’m so scared to tell them my boundaries, I just am. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but thanks for the advice.

Possibly you're afraid that if they really know what you don't want, they will  leave you?   But you only have two choices here: 1) continue to have them be sexually agressive with you, or 2) tell them not to do it.  

 

Just telling someone that you are asexual doesn't always get the point across.  You have to tell them exactly what you don't want.  

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FlexibleAsexual
4 minutes ago, Sally said:

Possibly you're afraid that if they really know what you don't want, they will  leave you?   But you only have two choices here: 1) continue to have them be sexually agressive with you, or 2) tell them not to do it.  

 

Just telling someone that you are asexual doesn't always get the point across.  You have to tell them exactly what you don't want.  

I’ve been in relationships before this where they didn’t accept me and told me that “it’s basically a friendship”, so maybe that’s it? I’m also not a very assertive person, so it’s kinda hard lol. Thanks btw

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Anthracite_Impreza
4 minutes ago, FlexibleAsexual said:

where they didn’t accept me

If they aren't respecting you that's a red flag in and of itself. You deserve to have your wishes respected in a relationship, even if it means splitting up.

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