Single life

[Cooper86]

Hey all

Does anyone else (who's single) feel like they'll just never ever find anyone?

I'm sure we all do at times, asexual or not, but lately I just feel so hopeless.

It feels if youre not interested in sex then nobody wants to know. 

I find it so hard to figure out what it is I even want. Despite 100% knowing confidently that I am asexual.

Romantic relationships and someone to share things with is so desirable but yet I feel like it'll never happen

[SorryNotSorry]

9 minutes ago, Cooper86 said:

I find it so hard to figure out what it is I even want.

Well then, that's part of the problem. If you don't make up your mind what you want, it will be frustrating for others you get romantically involved with.

[Cooper86]

1 minute ago, Woodworker1968 said:

Well then, that's part of the problem. If you don't make up your mind what you want, it will be frustrating for others you get romantically involved with.

Frustrating maybe. But it stems alot from the majority of people wanting something completely different to me. Its difficult for most people to even think of the concept of a relationship without sex involved.

[Grimalkin]

I do feel a little like I'll never find someone.

 

I cope with it by working on my life and well-being. I have plans for the future of my career, where I'll be in five years, where I'll be in ten. Even though I'm a naturally lazy person, I strive to improve my body and mind and learn new things. If you don't have a sense of accomplishment in your life, despair can creep in. And when you're single, you need to work even harder on making sure you're taken care of, because you don't have someone looking out for you.

 

My goal in life is to take care of myself, find great friends, and have fun. In a way, it's nice being single because I don't have to compromise or work around the life plans of someone else.

 

You make the best of what you've got, right?

[everywhere and nowhere]

I sometimes feel like that. But still, a relationship is not top of my priority list. And I have my rules which I will upkeep. I feel something like this: I realise that being sex-averse does potentially limit my dating pool (I say "potentially", because: a. right now I'm anyway only interested in one particular woman, b. I have never been that close anyway. I seem to scare people away so early that my asexuality doesn't even come into consideration...) - and yet I am, in a way, proud of holding on to my boundaries and saying that I would rather give up a relationship than give in to sex.

[mace_]

Hi Cooper86,

 

I can understand how you feel as I'm in a similar situation. Guessing from your profile name we're also a similar age.

 

I think first you should try to get some idea what you want and what you are searching for. It really helps with searching having some kind of target. Do you have any past experiences, some things you liked or didn't liked? That would be a starting point.

 

Are there any local ace meetings in your area? If so it might be worth going there and meet other asexuals. There you can talk about your situation and exchange with other people. I'm sure there are more aces that have or had this sort of problem. And talking about it surely helps 😉.

 

As a positive note we're at least not having to deal with these relationship problem some people are going through.

[.diva plavalaguna.]

Yep. It's tough when you know you're getting bypassed a lot before your asexuality even becomes a topic.

[To Each Their Own]

Yes, I feel this way. But I don’t care because I’m aromantic. Maybe I don’t count because I WANT to be single. The thought of being coupled horrifies me. 

[Bronztrooper]

I sometimes feel that way, but I'm more likely to feel frustrated about how I haven't been able to get started on my own life yet, so the former kind of falls by the wayside most of the time.  Besides, it's more of a feeling that I won't be able to get into a relationship because I don't really 'put myself out there' rather than being because I'm ace.  If someone doesn't want to be with me because I'm not interested in sex, then oh well, I'm probably better off without them.

 

Though, considering how my life is atm, getting into a relationship isn't really in the cards.  Guess that's part of how I deal with it.

[Homer]

I have no idea what it's like to want a romantic relationship... can't figure out where the benefit is compared to a platonic friendship. I probably won't "find anyone" either, but I don't see the problem

[Purple Wanderer]

I'm in 2 minds... Love being single. Sweet sweet freedom and al that... Not being beholden to anyone or anything.     But at the same time its nice to have someone there.

 

 

Eithers good. Just gotta sit back and see what happens

[i_like_cookiecake]

Dude! I totally get this! I’m a sex averse ace plus I have a degenerative disability. It’s bad enough that my person will spend our life together doing things for me due to limited mobility( I have essential tremor, if you have never heard of it, I urge you to learn about it), but I will also never have sex with them which is a necessity to most people. I feel hopeless in terms of ever finding my person. 

[LaocoonCry]

I am a statistician, so perhaps I place too much emphasis on evaluating probabilities. The ace population is estimated to be small. But then, I apply additional constraints based on my situation (sex-repulsed heteroromantic) and my geography.  The likelihood of me finding a partner who can accept a sex-repulsed ace and who lives near me is very small.

 

For several years, I’ve let these low probabilities convince me that it’s not even worth trying to find a partner. I’m starting to recognize that I need to put some effort into finding a partner. I can’t win the lottery if I never buy a ticket.

[4108bn]

I'm in a weird position because I've been in romantic and sexual relationships and haven't had any issue getting into them (I'm relatively conventionally attractive, mostly able-bodied, I have high intelligence and talents that are attractive apart from my physical appearance, etc.) but I don't know about a few things

1. If I'll find anyone that I'm ever THAT romantically attracted to, especially to enter a relationship (especially to initiate because I've never done it or needed to before)
2. If I'll find anyone that I like THAT much and is also compatible with me and the unconventional lifestyle(s) that I expect to live
3. If I'll be in a mentally healthy place to be in and maintain a relationship long-term (and I know I'm not looking for short-term things)

I forgot some things, and I know I'd eventually love to be with someone, but I don't know how or how much or what it will look like. Not knowing is intimidating, especially not knowing what my identities look like.

[Someone Else]

It can feel hopeless if we search locally.  But on the internet we can see that there are indeed plenty of us, they're just all spread out all over the place.

[Éadweard]

There’s also this misconception from society that being single is a bad thing and if you are then you have to be miserable. When in reality there are a lot of people who live happy and fulfilled lives and remain single. 

[RakshaTheCat]

On 7/22/2018 at 4:13 AM, Homer said:

I have no idea what it's like to want a romantic relationship... can't figure out where the benefit is compared to a platonic friendship. I probably won't "find anyone" either, but I don't see the problem

I think the only 'benefit' is to just have more funny feelings toward each other, so its nothing really that significant. I'm no expert though.

 

 

On 7/21/2018 at 8:16 PM, To Each Their Own said:

Yes, I feel this way. But I don’t care because I’m aromantic. Maybe I don’t count because I WANT to be single. The thought of being coupled horrifies me. 

After last one, I thought I would have enough relationships for a while. Then I remembered nice moments we had with my ex, that we had plenty of good times even despite not being that compatible, and decided I want to try again, since I'm sure I can do even better next time with someone else. Fun that it brings seems worth it, and I'm not even sure if I'm romantic...

 

That said, finding someone compatible enough that living with them will be more fun than without is quite a challenge and a lot of work. Even a bit risky. So might not be feasible for everyone

[texpika96]

I feel the same. though i had experiences with relationships before well recently also. 😕  but its like most of the girls i was with wanted more and more like you know sex.

i had 2 crushes during school but never gotten too far. one girl moved and last time i saw her was around 6th or 7th grade then family saw her in Roswell and she didn't wanna see me so that girl pretty much no chance at all

another girl that i liked from school. we were really close, and 8th grade we nearly became a thing but stuff happened then after 8th grade she became a totally different person soo that failed

then the rest were online experiences and lets say a long story

first girl was from the UK and got really close till uhh.. i'll just move on, my fault lets say that

second girl was a girl a few years older than me and she was really sex crazed when i wasn't ( guess i was a demisexual since i was 16 but i didn't even know about it then) and i had to fake my sexual attraction and desire and i wished i didn't fake it just to make someone happy. of course relationship ended and i never wanted to see her again. this girl was American

then this Filipino girl. even more sex crazed, sex obsessed, holy crap.. and yet again naive Roberto ( me obviously( ... i had to fake my interest in sex... i hated doing that. i wished i knew of demisexuality and i would tell any girl i was demisexual but nope, life then was different than my life now  .

then my "best friend"  thats a long story  but lets say. began as friends then i fell in love with her. i thought she liked me but nope she then ditched me for awhile in 2016 and had sex with someone and abandoned me for this guy till August of that year. shes back in my life now but things are super unstable..

and so is my recent ex ...*sigh*.. ok this girl i actually had sexual attraction towards and she did too but the relationship ended due to her ghosting me due to commitment issues and i think its that relationship is part to why i went on to discover my sexuality and voila, i'm demisexual

but still i'm a virgin, only felt sexual attraction to one girl like ever but then seeing my record on romance.. i had such bad luck 😕 i do want a relationship with someone romantically without sex but how can i ? when many girls today want sex and so much more and will probably do what other girls did before them ? feels like i'm just gonna be alone for much of my life. but if i do get with someone ? they'll be the first to know of my demisexuality and hopefully the next relationship would be my last. sorry if its tl;dr i just wanted to add my experiences and showing how i can relate to y'all.

but i guess for now i can take my time being single working on my new aspirations to become a firefighter. ^^

[InariYana]

I've only been single since April, but for now, I'm loving it. Total peace of mind  No expectations, no drama, no pressure. My relationships in the past most often added to anxieties I've already had, instead of being some kind of a peaceful haven.

Friendships give me attention, a tiny bit of affection I enjoy, meaningful interaction, sharing & caring. There's no intensity (which I don't like) or drama.

 

I'm asexual, so for me looking for someone to have sex with is a non-issue.

I don't want more children.

 

Why would I really want a partner?      

Maybe I actually... prefer being single.

 

I was kind of expecting this flood of loneliness and sadness after a breakup, but... it's not there. I went on a dating site, but after some time I got this "why am I even doing this?" feeling and now I'm just chatting with people from all over the world on that site and I don't really feel like going on dates.

The things I miss about my ex are not even really romantic in nature. I'd classify them as "things that remind me of childhood friendships", some kind of childlike light-heartedness and playfulness and connection. These things are hard to find when you're 35+ and, supposedly, a "serious" adult.  

 

I wonder if I will feel different about being single in let's say... 6 months  

 

[RakshaTheCat]

On 7/25/2018 at 5:49 AM, InariYana said:

Why would I really want a partner?      

Maybe I actually... prefer being single.

I would not be surprised if you don't really need one, at least for now. You have a child, so you already have someone to care for. If friends are fun enough, then that's perfect. Personally, I would miss some kind of deep connection, kind of emotional intimacy, but this thing seems to be really hard to get (in my relationships so far, I only got vague glimpses of that), and if you don't need it yourself, then yeah, enjoying singleness might be the best. Being single is great in its own way

 

On 7/25/2018 at 5:49 AM, InariYana said:

I wonder if I will feel different about being single in let's say... 6 months  

It took me many years of singleness to get bored with it, so I'm sure you have plenty of time. If you ever get bored of it in the first place

[(NotSo)DirtyDiana]

I feel like this a lot, and to be honest, it's been physically painful at times. My lack of sexual desire is only one reason that I feel hopeless; I'm agoraphobic and have quite severe social anxiety, so I don't meet people. I was also quite difficult to handle in my last relationship (years ago) because I can be emotionally unstable and psychologically fragile, and even though it's been years, I don't believe I'd be any calmer and easier if a new relationship materialised now. Guys want a nice breeze, and I'm a hurricane. Granted, the relationship had other issues which contributed to my feelings and behaviour... but still. So with agoraphobia/social anxiety, fragility, and a complete reluctance to do anything remotely sexual, I think my chance of finding love is a big fat 0. I've done long distance and that is not for me... I need a man who's physically present, not physically absent. I'm trying to be content as a permanently single girl woman and plan a life on my own, but it's heartbreaking, especially when my friends are celebrating anniversaries at restaurants.

 

BUT, I have to add... one of my best friends has been in a relationship for 4 years and she's never had sex because she has a phobia of pain. They do other things, but I know for a fact that there are some acts she refuses to do (like oral, don't blame her), and she's technically still a virgin. Her man is fine with it! It gives me some hope that maybe there are people who are happy without sex, as long as they're in love. 

[EggplantWitch]

On 7/22/2018 at 3:21 PM, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ said:

There’s also this misconception from society that being single is a bad thing and if you are then you have to be miserable. When in reality there are a lot of people who live happy and fulfilled lives and remain single. 

Like the OP I get distressed by how slim my chances are but then I try and think like this, and it often works. One sure-fire way of cheering myself up from what I term 'Ace Sadness' is to go to one of the Older Asexuals threads and just scroll, usually through the ones dedicated to specific age groups. Perhaps it's weird, but I find it intensely comforting seeing all of these people decades older than me, many of whom are single, and yet they appear to mostly be happy. So if you post on those threads: thanks ❤️ 

 

Another way I try and make myself think positively is to focus on all the freedom being single allows me, or I guess will allow me once I've moved out of my parents' home  I can get a job anywhere I want. When I'm financially stable enough to get a pet, I can do it, and get whatever kind of pet I want. I can decorate my room how I want. I can go on holiday wherever I want, and spend as long as I want looking at museum and gallery exhibits. Sure, a good date might make some of these things more fun, or introduce me to other things that are fun which I didn't know about, but the point is they're things that I can enjoy alone and always will and maybe having someone else around would just slow me down.

[Squirrel Combat]

I don't worry about it too much. I would certainly like to spend my life with somebody, but at the same time I lead an artistic lifestyle that doesn't leave much room for another person to be part of my everyday routine. Also, in the face of imminent collapse of our society and climate change, I have a desire to live somewhere remote where a bunch of people can't just show up. A small island where I can be mostly self-sufficient. I'm conflicted, I tell you.

 

I'll stay out of the dating scene for a while.

[Purple Wanderer]

18 hours ago, Squirrel Combat said:

 

I'll stay out of the dating scene for a while.

Until someone turns up with their own bunker complex?

[Guest]

On 7/21/2018 at 12:13 PM, Homer said:

can't figure out where the benefit is compared to a platonic friendship.

Sex.

 

I mean, I've got several close female friends and that's the only benefit I can see from taking your relationship to the next level.

 

I prefer a platonic friendship, as there are no expectations. You're both free spirits, and can do whatever you want. You love them, just the same.

 

Relationships are often plagued with insecurities, jealousy and several other things which ultimately destroy them. You take that out of the equation, by remaining friends.

 

I'm a loner. I love the aspect of being able to open up more to a woman than I could to a man. You however part ways, and she goes to her place, you go to yours.

 

I prefer it that way.

 

Good luck telling a significant other you never want to move in with her.

 

I don't think I could live with someone. I've tried it, and its just not for me.

 

I need my space.

 

For me, this may be why I never have felt lonely while single. I've always had more female friends, than male.

[Lord Jade Cross]

On 7/22/2018 at 10:21 AM, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ said:

There’s also this misconception from society that being single is a bad thing and if you are then you have to be miserable. When in reality there are a lot of people who live happy and fulfilled lives and remain single. 

Pretty much this

 

 

[Cup.of.tea.]

I feel that way sometimes.

Actually, I always try hard to make someone likes me. But they only respond if I flirt with them, of course they understand it as a signal to go to bed inmediately. 

So the interaction with other people makes me feel tired and even depressed. I find my alone time very pleasing and fun.

You should see the greatness of spending time alone. Find the possitive side of it.

[Madao]

I am still pretty young, so I don't know whether I will find someone or not. I am a hopeless romantic, though I never really had any romantic feelings towards anyone. I have already prepared my mind that it will be difficult to find someone seeing how I am asexual and painfully shy and rude. I am instead more focused on goals and giving my life more meaning. Instead of trying to find love in real life, I try to find my love in my hobbies, knowledge or things. I do like romance but sometimes being in love seems a waste of time and energy for me. 

[Squirrel Combat]

17 hours ago, Purple Wanderer said:

Until someone turns up with their own bunker complex?

Hell yeah! Bunkers are a sexy quality!

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

I was listening to 'Women's hour' on BBC radio 4 yesterday and they had a great piece about remaining single. there's even a book about it and some of the writer's comments were straight outta here....I particularly liked the comment that society is geared up to couples, and that it's so recently changed that it might take another few generations before singletons become acceptable.