discovering asexuality after marriage

[shoshi coast]

Hi community! I'm in my 30s and have recently come out of a decade-long failed marriage. It wasn't until after I left the relationship and felt this unexpected and giddy feeling of relief that I would never be asked to have sex again, that I wound up researching asexuality online. In hindsight so many things in my life and so many issues in my marriage now make sense. With all the cultural jokes about wives having "headaches" and husbands having to beg wives for sex, I honestly thought that no woman wanted or enjoyed sex with her husband and that my relationship was totally normal. Now I feel embarrassed and naive for having thought that!

 

I am wondering if anyone else has come out of a similar situation? I'd love to hear your experiences. I'm looking forward to participating in the forum community.

[Grimalkin]

I've never been married, but I completely understand the "women don't really want sex" angle! My mother had a lot of Dr. Laura books about sex and relationships, and when I read them I always got the sense that women didn't really enjoy sex, but sometimes they had to suck it up and make men happy. It resonated with me because, well, I didn't want sex! And I'm a woman! Therefore, all women are like that! ...Right?

 

And then I met a lot of women who genuinely enjoyed sex. And I discovered asexuality. And suddenly it made sense.

 

I recently broke up with a boyfriend over this, and even though I loved him deeply, I also got that sense of relief at the idea that I wouldn't need to have sex anymore. It always caused me such stress when I would go to visit him, knowing that I "had" to have sex before we could do the fun stuff like taking a walk or watching a movie. Now, even though I miss him, I feel so much happier knowing I can be an imaginary nun.

[starweb]

One of us! I grew up with a religious background where there was no sex before marriage and while I had crushes on boys, I was never interested in things going further. I thought all of that would kick in once I found 'the one' and got married. 

 

It didn't. Was able to have sex but had to zone out while it was going on. Never talked about it because husband believes you can overcome anything with the power of positive thinking. I thought something was wrong with ME and tried everything., and I'd rather go to the dentist than talk about sex. Nothing worked. I just went along with it because I thought that was what a good wife does. His only complaint was not enough.  Even managed to have three children.  I didn't understand women who 'wanted' it. There was this parallel world out there that I just did not get and didn't feel I  was a part of. 

 

We are now in a sexless marriage, he's had a serious back injury, is on potent meds and is not interested. I went through early menopause (chemical/chemo) so I use that as my excuse.  We're still together and making it work. While I don't like my husband being in pain, I'm not sorry about the lack of sex.

 

 

[shoshi coast]

Grimalkin, that's so funny that you mentioned being an "imaginary nun"! When I was in my later teens and all my friends were fantasizing about marrying their crushes, and their future wedding days, I used to fantasize about running away to a convent! I wanted so much to live in a tight knit community, but without the threat of sex/marriage. 😂 I also remember reading a book when I was in my 20s about "romantic friendships" between women in Victorian times, and wishing that sort of thing was still around because I wanted emotional closeness and partnership without anything physical.

 

starweb I can totally relate! I spent many years "zoning out" and never talking about it. We also have a child, and I loved family life and the emotional closeness and sense of community, but just put up with the sex because I thought that was what everyone did. My ex ended up getting heavily involved with pornography and cheated on me several times... I was a good sport and was regularly sexually active with him, but he wanted to feel desired and enjoyed by his partner, and I guess I can't really blame him. It's not an excuse for the lying and cheating he did, but I do understand why he did those things now that I understand that our sexual relationship wasn't "normal". Even though I loved him, I wasn't capable of the type of physical displays of love that he wanted, and since neither of us understood what was going on we weren't able to try to deal with the situation. I am sorry to hear you are going through tough times with both you and your husband having health problems, but I understand the relief you feel now that sex is off the table. It's wonderful that you are still together and making it work, even though things are hard.

[Rin the Cat]

I'm kind of somewhere between sex-positive and sex-neutral. I spent the first few years of our marriage worrying that if we weren't having sex often enough it meant there was something wrong with me or our relationship, so I kept trying to push things, and getting upset if my husband didn't want to have sex. I feel like things are much better now that I got past that and don't worry about it. We still have sex but much less often, and we are both more comfortable with how things are now.

[Nima]

On 7/18/2018 at 8:02 PM, shoshi coast said:

but just put up with the sex because I thought that was what everyone did.

that's how it was for me since the beginning. First boyfriend ever - I let him talk me into sleeping with me twice, because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. And how would I have known the difference? In retrospect I know that I was already sex-indifferent, because my first time neither hurt, nor felt pleasurable.
My second boyfriend had me participate in other sexual acts - none of which excited me, but the media said that's what couples do with each other, no? Then we moved pretty far away, which made the break-up inevitable and nobodys fault.
My next relationship was with a nice christian boy, which wanted to save himself for marriage. So relieving when the idea of having to have sex didn't linger around. We dated for over a year until he said he couln't wait anymore and wanted to marry me.😨I ran.
A few years went by, in which I had great friendships with mostly guys, and I never noticed when they would think about more. A few of them tried their luck and it totally ruined the friendship. it felt like a betrayal. But here I thought maybe the opposite thing was happening, like everyone else in college is dating, so maybe they were looking to do what everyone else was doing? I still don't know.
Then I met this wonderful guy which became my best friend in a short time. I felt this instant connection, like what people call soul-mates and soon developed romantic feelings for him.👩‍❤️‍👨 After dating for a few months, I let him do what he's been aching for, and for the first time actually enjoyed it. Although it still felt a bit awkward. But I knew, this was the person I could see myself grow old alongside, we got married the same year. That was 1994. Later he told me, that he thought it was "hot" that I "made him wait" for so long. I can't get him to understand, that I never ever even thought about having sex with him during that time. Maybe that should have rang a bell then and there, but I thought that's maybe more normal for girls and since I was young and fairly unexperienced and all...

Having him always make the first move seemed normal for me as well, he's the guy, right? They always have sex on the brain (no need to comment, guys, I was stereotyping then) and even though I wasn't sexually attracted, I "put up with the sex because I thought that was what everyone did."

Of course, after the initial stupid-love wore off, he noticed, that I wasn't totally into it and never made the first move. I took it to heart and tried being a better wife to keep him happy. I became pregnant several times as well, twice my body rejected the idea, three births happened though. We now have two sons together. Soon after that, he had the bright idea to experiment - spice things up - see if there were other things that would "tickle my fancy" (pun intended). yeah. that didn't work out so well. We tried toys, pornos, other people, guys, girls, both... it all made me feel more empty inside after each time. I betrayed myself for letting these things happen even though I should have known better since I had no desire in the first place. I hope that doesn't give anyone the wrong idea, it was totally consentual, I was willing to give it a shot, but it didn't "do it" for me.

So he finally settled for me being "Spock". Which was just a nice way of saying I was defect. I tried changing my diet to trigger certain hormones, exercising more rgularly, getting those "juices flowing" - not those, the other ones- nothing. So I started digging for my potential home planet or psychological advice from the internet and found an article about asexuality.... ... !!! OMG, this is me! 30 years after losing my virginity, I'm starting to understand what I'm all about. Relief? you bet!
I don't know how much he really accepts my newfound name for my sexuality, but we're still in this roller coaster ride together. Some days more than others. 

Wow, this was lenghthy. 
A lot of heartfelt commenting to your initial thoughts, letting you know, you're far from alone.
Have some cake  and live long and prosper 🖖

[ryn2]

I’m probably freysexual rather than ace but, yes, the stories above largely parallel mine.  Ever since middle school I’ve had more/closer male than female friends, so it was a long time before I talked seriously with other women about sex and discovered that “women tolerate sex” - which rang so true for me that I never had reason to doubt it - was actually mysogynist thinking!

[AndrewT]

On ‎7‎/‎18‎/‎2018 at 5:19 PM, shoshi coast said:

With all the cultural jokes about wives having "headaches" and husbands having to beg wives for sex, I honestly thought that no woman wanted or enjoyed sex with her husband and that my relationship was totally normal. 

 

 

5 hours ago, Nima said:

They always have sex on the brain (no need to comment, guys, I was stereotyping then) and even though I wasn't sexually attracted, I "put up with the sex because I thought that was what everyone did."

 

Sorry for the heavy edit, I'll try not to take it out of context.

 

I can't speak for other men (also never been married) but these two sentences and the stereotypes are probably one of the reasons I thought I was broken for so long.

As I didn't ever want to beg (or ask) anyone for sex, and sex wasn't 'always on the brain'; because, it's not the kind of thing men talk about (certainly not to each other). I just assumed I was different/broken from everyone (other males) else for so many years.

 

 

[starweb]

On 7/18/2018 at 2:02 PM, shoshi coast said:

Grimalkin, that's so funny that you mentioned being an "imaginary nun"! When I was in my later teens and all my friends were fantasizing about marrying their crushes, and their future wedding days, I used to fantasize about running away to a convent! I wanted so much to live in a tight knit community, but without the threat of sex/marriage. 😂 I also remember reading a book when I was in my 20s about "romantic friendships" between women in Victorian times, and wishing that sort of thing was still around because I wanted emotional closeness and partnership without anything physical.

 

starweb I can totally relate! I spent many years "zoning out" and never talking about it. We also have a child, and I loved family life and the emotional closeness and sense of community, but just put up with the sex because I thought that was what everyone did. My ex ended up getting heavily involved with pornography and cheated on me several times... I was a good sport and was regularly sexually active with him, but he wanted to feel desired and enjoyed by his partner, and I guess I can't really blame him. It's not an excuse for the lying and cheating he did, but I do understand why he did those things now that I understand that our sexual relationship wasn't "normal". Even though I loved him, I wasn't capable of the type of physical displays of love that he wanted, and since neither of us understood what was going on we weren't able to try to deal with the situation. I am sorry to hear you are going through tough times with both you and your husband having health problems, but I understand the relief you feel now that sex is off the table. It's wonderful that you are still together and making it work, even though things are hard.

 My husband never cheated but he did get into pornography, which is he says he got addicted to, but the thing is, I didn't care. There were other women I knew who cried about it when they found out about it and asked: "Am I not enough for him?" Which I suppose is a legitimate question but as far as I was concerned that was HIS problem.  He says that's no longer an issue and I believe him. I just know I didn't change.

[Nima]

3 hours ago, AndrewT said:

. I just assumed I was different/broken

I felt the same way, AndrewT. I believe, it's because of these stereotypes,  that so many more women are identified as asexual than men. It's easier for society to accept, so the "coming out" is not as challenging. I really don't like stereotypes as such, I was very naiive then. Still am at some things. And what I used to stereotype as "slutty" behaviour for women back then, seemes to be pretty average. I seriously believed that women that were that interested in sex were just acting. Or needed the attention. Boy was I wrong...

I  still feel different.  Not broken though. Hope you don't either.

[Guest]

On 7/18/2018 at 11:19 AM, shoshi coast said:

Hi community! I'm in my 30s and have recently come out of a decade-long failed marriage. It wasn't until after I left the relationship and felt this unexpected and giddy feeling of relief that I would never be asked to have sex again, that I wound up researching asexuality online. In hindsight so many things in my life and so many issues in my marriage now make sense. With all the cultural jokes about wives having "headaches" and husbands having to beg wives for sex, I honestly thought that no woman wanted or enjoyed sex with her husband and that my relationship was totally normal. Now I feel embarrassed and naive for having thought that!

 

I am wondering if anyone else has come out of a similar situation? I'd love to hear your experiences. I'm looking forward to participating in the forum community.

Sounds just like my situation.  Before our marriage I can remember asking god to give me attraction for him because I didn't have any.  After we married I became repulsed by him.  I can remember him yelling "You hate sex!" and me saying "No, I just hate sex with you!"  In reality, he was a total manipulative, abusive, jerk and I don't think anyone would have been attracted, which is why I didn't think it was abnormal for me to be repulsed.  That was failed marriage #3 and looking back I can see the marks of asexuality on each one of them.  In a way I feel sorry for the men I was so unattracted to.  It must be hard to know the person you are with dreads having sex with you. 

 

[mxmeh]

On 7/19/2018 at 8:52 PM, Rin the Cat said:

I'm kind of somewhere between sex-positive and sex-neutral. I spent the first few years of our marriage worrying that if we weren't having sex often enough it meant there was something wrong with me or our relationship, so I kept trying to push things, and getting upset if my husband didn't want to have sex. I feel like things are much better now that I got past that and don't worry about it. We still have sex but much less often, and we are both more comfortable with how things are now.

Relate hard to this.

@shoshi coast, yes, I did have a similar experience! I was married in my thirties for the second time when I figured out I was ace. I first married at 18 for 2 years and had all this constant pressure around why I was resistant to doing what it was "expected" married couples would be doing and I left him after he started mistreating me over the issue. The second bloke I married, I was trying really hard to act "normal" this time around and start things between us and tried various things to "fix" myself etc. like therapy, doctors, whatnot and I was always concerned about if we were doing it 'often enough' or whatever. But he wasn't actually that bothered about it if we weren't getting frisky much and would often turn me down. It was really emotionally challenging trying to put all this work into making myself want to act sexually, trying to gear myself up to do "normal people things", try to invite him to, and then end up being politely declined after it all. Finally I just decided to tell my then-spouse that I wanted to stop sleeping together at all until I figured out what was going on with my feelings and during my research as to what else might be "wrong" with me and why I was that way, I found out about asexuality and the rest was history. It was about a 14 year relationship and we decided to be friends in the end because even though he turned out to be grey himself, I was also finally able to understand my gender and romantic orientation was different than I'd been trying to force myself into so I finally stopped forcing myself to act as a cis, straight person. He took it well cause I think he's probably even grey aromantic as well (though he doesn't really care about engaging with labels or community and is more like 'meh' about it all,) so now we just hang out sometimes and I'm single. I really hope to meet someone one day now that I'm ready and able to embrace who I really am. 

[pma01]

For me I was 50 when I found asexuality. And I felt like I related so much with other people telling their stories. I dated quite a bit in my 20s it I did t have sex till I was 23, I had girlfriends before that but we didn’t have sex and I never really gave it much thought. When I did finally have it I really didn’t do much for me. After having sex a few times and then breaking up I didn’t have sex again for about 16 years when I met my xwife. When we started having sex it always seemed to stressful. We did other stuff that was ok but intercourse was a nightmare, I could never last very long and I think she always resented that, I tried to fix the problem nothing ever worked. We got married when I was 40, the intercourse was not great, but other parts were ok. I dreaded having intercourse and it was so stressful, but overall I thought our marriage was pretty good when I was 48 she started acting really strange, telling me things like she felt like she hadn’t had sex in 10 years, it we were having sex pretty regular and (tmi) she always got off through oral sex. She left me in oct of 2012 having been together for 10 years. Turns out she was having an affair. It’s been 7 years since we divorced. In 2014 I started thinking a lot about failed relationships every girl I dated all left me for someone else, it was like they all knew I was defective, which was how I felt, I started thinking how I would think a girl was attractive but didn’t have a desire to have sex with her, I was looking back about intercourse and it never did anything for me and I got more satisfaction from masturbaring. I started to do some research on asexuality, I always knew what it was but never gave it a thought it pertained to me. I found this sight and was reading other people’s stories and how many people had stories similar to mine.

[Spotastic]

I'm 35 and have been married for almost 11 years. I only found out about asexuality 4 and a half years ago. For me, it was kinda an 'ah ha' moment. Everything suddenly made sense. My wife was the one who found AVEN and thought it sounded like me. She is not asexual, and thought that I just wasn't attracted to her because we weren't as intimate with each other as things were when we first got together. After finding out that I'm graysexual, we did a lot of talking about what we each wanted and came to a compromise that makes us both relatively happy. We have always been very open to talk about anything with each other, though, so there was no real awkwardness in broaching this subject. 

[imnotafreakofnature!]

Sadly, I was eight years into my second marriage before I discovered asexuality, and everything clicked. I thought my lack of interest in my first marriage was because of the way my husband treated me. I was single-again for 14 years, and even though I was absolutely THRILLED not to have someone else's insatiable sexual demands hanging over my head 24/7, I missed having someone just to share life with. I honestly believed it would be different with my current husband because he treats me like gold - and for a while, it was okay. But eventually I just got disgusted with it again. He doesn't want to believe that I'm asexual, that it's just menopause and if I look hard enough, I'll find a pill to "fix" it. (I once asked him why HE couldn't find a pill to make him NOT want to. He doesn't talk too much about me finding a pill anymore! lol) Thankfully (for me, anyway), he has E.D. and the pills he was taking so that he could still "perform" quit working for him a long time ago. I'm perfectly fine with not having sex anymore, but of course, he's not - he says he still needs it as much for his psychological well-being as his physical well-being. At least we don't have to do it more than once a week now, but even that is still more than I want. I dread that day all week, especially the closer it gets. I feel like crying during The Deed, but I realized a long time ago that that's just the price you have to pay to wear a man's name. I love him and want him to be happy, and he's not happy without it. But I'm not happy with it. I feel like I'm giving as much as I can, but he feels like it's never enough because it's not enough that I actually do it, I have to be happy about it, too. I'm not, and he knows it, and he says that robs him of the joy of it. But we still have to do it for his "psychological well-being." I just don't get it.

 

I spent my whole life believing there was something wrong with me for not wanting sex every day. Even though I'd heard that lots of other women weren't any more interested in sex than I was, I've always been made to feel that those women (including me) were aberrations and freaks of nature. There are no words to describe how relieved I was when I discovered asexuality two years ago, and how delighted to know I wasn't the only one! (That's where my user name came from, by the way, when I discovered that I really wasn't a freak of nature, after all!) I love my husband and have no reason to leave (we get along great in every other area - we don't even fight about money), but I never would have gotten married again if I'd discovered asexuality sooner. It's not fair to either one of us, and if anything ever happens to him, I have no intention of getting involved another sexual.

[imnotafreakofnature!]

On ‎7‎/‎22‎/‎2018 at 1:14 PM, CoffeeIsBetter said:

In a way I feel sorry for the men I was so unattracted to.

 

As much as sex disgusts me, there's a part of me that feels sorry for sexual people, especially men - being a prisoner of your own sexuality can't be an easy way to live.

 

On ‎7‎/‎20‎/‎2018 at 10:53 AM, starweb said:

 My husband never cheated but he did get into pornography, which is he says he got addicted to, but the thing is, I didn't care. There were other women I knew who cried about it when they found out about it and asked: "Am I not enough for him?" Which I suppose is a legitimate question but as far as I was concerned that was HIS problem.  He says that's no longer an issue and I believe him. I just know I didn't change.

My husband's been a porn addict since he was a teenager. He told me before we got married that he hadn't been online for a long time, and stupid me, I believed him. When I found out it wasn't true, I felt very betrayed because he'd lied to me. It also felt like being cheated on, even though I wasn't interested in sex. Once I got beyond the initial shock and anger, I got to where I didn't even care if it keeps him off my back!

[ryn2]

23 hours ago, imnotafreakofnature! said:

My husband's been a porn addict since he was a teenager. He told me before we got married that he hadn't been online for a long time, and stupid me, I believed him. When I found out it wasn't true, I felt very betrayed because he'd lied to me. It also felt like being cheated on,[....]

Same, although mine’s therapist apparently agreed it was just normal behavior for someone his age and that I was the one with the problem.  All the years of lying about it just didn’t align convincingly with “normal,” though.

[imnotafreakofnature!]

21 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Same, although mine’s therapist apparently agreed it was just normal behavior for someone his age and that I was the one with the problem.  All the years of lying about it just didn’t align convincingly with “normal,” though.

Being ace, I guess I'm really not the person to ask about what's normal for sexuals, but I have to agree that lying and hiding it certainly don't convince me that it's okay, even in their own eyes.

[jay williams]

All of the below stuff @pma01 resonates with me 100%

I certainly can, and I have, and I still do many women attractive. But never in any sense of wanting to have PIV sex. That never enters my mind, or if it does it turns me off.

A question I have for women here: Some of you have said you married a guy you were not attracted to. I find that curious. Did you not think he was attractive in some way (other than perhaps being rich or successful)? I understand asexuality, and not ever wanting to have sex with someone; but to not even be attracted, in some way, to the looks of someone? That is hard for me to contemplate.

 

On ‎7‎/‎29‎/‎2018 at 8:32 AM, pma01 said:

... had girlfriends before that but we didn’t have sex and I never really gave it much thought. When I did finally have it I really didn’t do much for me. When we started having sex it always seemed to stressful. We did other stuff that was ok but intercourse was a nightmare, I could never last very long and I think she always resented that, I tried to fix the problem nothing ever worked.

I dreaded having intercourse and it was so stressful

...I started thinking how I would think a girl was attractive but didn’t have a desire to have sex with her, I was looking back about intercourse and it never did anything for me and I got more satisfaction from masturbating.  

 

[Nima]

5 minutes ago, jay williams said:

A question I have for women here: Some of you have said you married a guy you were not attracted to. I find that curious. Did you not think he was attractive in some way (other than perhaps being rich or successful)? I understand asexuality, and not ever wanting to have sex with someone; but to not even be attracted, in some way, to the looks of someone? That is hard for me to contemplate.

funny this topic should continue here (just had a bit of terminology discussion on another thread)
Personally, I was (and mostly still am) very attracted to my husband, especially when we first met. He was/is smart and funny and kind and listened attentively, we shared a lot of the same interests and we found more common ground as we kept getting to know each other, he has beautiful hazel eyes with freckles in them  an honest and open smile, he's helpful and chivalrous and I could go on ...
All these things are very attractive and I knew I wanted to grow old with him. Here we are 24 years later, guess we are kinda old  
So yes, I think attraction of some kind, weather it's intellectual or aesthetical or whatever sparks you interest is necessary for the start of any kind of relationship.

[Dark Horse]

I didn't find out about asexuality until I was aabout 10 years into my current relationship. It took me a good while to bring it up with my partner, but he already knew that I was always reluctant about sex, never initiated it, and we'd even been to sexual counselling about it. Shame the counsellor didn't know about asexuality either, it would have saved us all a lot of time! We have a daughter, who's  21 now. We have a kind of compromise now, that I give him oral when he needs it and he always says thank you afterwards. I think that if I'd known about being asexual when we first met, I'd have told him about it and I guess we'd never have got together, but perhaps it would have been fairer on him. I am fairly sure that he's had a work affair at some point, but I really can't get mad at him for it, he must have felt deprived and desperate, and at least he didn't catch anything or fall in love with her, that would have been harder. If he ever left me, I would miss him of course, but I would be up front about being ace if I ever met a new guy. 

[Nima]

@Dark Horse, it's tough when you can empathize with your partners needs and know that this is not what they "signed up for" but they still hang on because they love you.  Im in a similar predicament, and I'm really thinking about "setting him free". I don't think I would enter another relationship with anyone else either...

If you feel somewhat okay with his potential affair,  maybe suggest an open relationship. he can take care of his needs,  stay close to you,  be honest without having to feel guilty (and it would be  less work for you) maybe something to consider