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Trying to make a marriage work with my wife who could be asexual


SexualHusband82

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SexualHusband82

Hello!

 First, this is my first time using this forum and site. Also, I am familiar with other types of sexuality, but asexuality is a bit new to me. So if I say something incorrect or even offensive it is not intentional and I appoligize in advance.

 I have been with my wife for 12 years (not technically married, but I am not going to refer to my partner of 12 years as my "girlfriend" :) ). We have had a sexual encounter maybe 5 times, but nothing in the past several years. I have attempted, but could see she was uncomfortable with it so I have stopped attempting all together.

  This has greatly impacted my self esteem. Probably because I am being self centered about it. But I feel ugly, like I am not attractive, like I do not deserve respect and am totally undesirable. I say I am being self centered because this isn't her fault. It effects her negatively as well. For example now she's dealing with a insecure, whiny, over emotional baby of a husband. Which in turn makes me feel less masculine (however I have never beem into stereotypical masculine male trait crap anyway). I am feeling attacked, and it's not.

 At first I thought she just had a low sex drive, possibly due to low self esteem. I felt like maybe I wasn't doing my job of making her feel as beautiful as I see her. so I tried to boost her self esteem daily and tried to be romantic. But again, it just made her feel awkward. She does not like affection. In fact we don't even sleep in the same bed. I do know that irregardless of her being asexual or not, it is obviously not her fault. I get so much out of the relationship, and we connect intelectually.

  I had brought up the idea of an open marriage, but both of us see that as something that would not work for obvious various reasons. The problem is, I miss sex. If it was just the physical aspect of it, it wouldn't matter at all. I miss the intamacy, the emotions, just touching a woman. So for years I've been doing this debate with myself. Most times I come to the conclusion that she is worth it. That it is not a sacrifice at all because of how great of a person she is. And because of what we share intellectualy. We don't fight hardly at all. At least not big fights. However I believe that may be from lack of passion possibly.

 Sometimes I come to the conclusion that yes she is an amazing person who I love dearly, but I can't go without any sort of touching or itamacy for the rest of my life. I had hopes that it would improve.  But now I think it is possible asexual and is not just having a low sex drive. If that is the case I would need to either come to terms with being a male who is sexual, but can not have intamacy or sex. Or leaving, breaking both our hearts, and maybe some day starting a new relationship. However I am not 20 anymore.  I am 36, and cant even remember how to date.

  This morning I decided we needed to split up. For years I asked her to try to....try really. Not by having sex, but figuring out what's wrong (Not meaning wrong with her, but with the situation in general). Maybe counseling, or explore medication or masturbating. However this didn't work.  She never tried and I realized I was likely being a @#%hole for putting it on her like it was her fault . So I started thinking she is maybe asexual, and maybe it will be too much pf an issue for me not to have sex. I told her today that I wanted to split up. She didn't really seem to be emotional about that. But she does not express emotion stereotypically. I think she feels them,  just not like everyone else.

 I guess I am looking first of all, to get my feelings out. But also to get some advice. If she is asexual, can we make it work?  I have one daughter from my previous relationship, but she's 18 now. So there's no chikdren to stay together for. I understand it ultimately depends on my personal resilience to be able to go without intamacy. I want to make it work though. Any advice? Good support groups that anyone knows of? Thanks for listening to whoever even was able to read a fraction of my ramblings.

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Telecaster68

There's a section for sexual partners of asexuals (amongst other sexual people) - Partners, Friends and Allies. You'll find plenty of posts from a lot sexual partners, pretty much all of whom have gone through the stages and feelings you describe. We all 'get it'.

 

A couple of things come to mind: firstly,  have you discussed the possibility of asexuality with her? All these situations have unique elements, and while AVEN posters love to draw up grand rules for everything, the specifics of your relationship is all that really matters to you, as a partner.

 

Secondly - she doesn't want to have sex, and she's not upset by the prospect of you splitting up. She might just not be into you any more....

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Okay, this is a rough situation. If she were the one on the forums, seeking advice on how to make things work, we might be able to do something with it- but because she, the potentially asexual partner, has made no effort to meet you in the middle on this very important part of a healthy relationship, then I would say splitting up is a good idea.

 

34 minutes ago, SexualHusband82 said:

She never tried and I realized I was likely being a @#%hole for putting it on her like it was her fault

Get that thought out of your head right now. You've put up with this for twelve years. You tried everything to make this relationship work, and it doesn't sound like she contributed at all. No counseling, no doctors, no effort to change, no effort to figure out what might be wrong, refusing to see that sex is something important for you... that's not what a good partner does. You tried your best, but she didn't even try to see where you were coming from.

 

39 minutes ago, SexualHusband82 said:

I say I am being self centered because this isn't her fault. It effects her negatively as well.

I would wager that some of this is her fault. If there is a big, glaring problem in a relationship, and your partner has tried time and time again to fix it in a multitude of different ways, and you've refused to even contemplate it, then you are the problem. She's not at fault for not wanting sex, but she's at fault for not communicating and looking for solutions.

 

41 minutes ago, SexualHusband82 said:

For example now she's dealing with a insecure, whiny, over emotional baby of a husband. Which in turn makes me feel less masculine (however I have never beem into stereotypical masculine male trait crap anyway).

You deserve something better than this. I know typical masculinity gets a lot of crap these days, for varying reasons, but you have needs of your own that aren't being met. If sex is important to you, THEN IT'S IMPORTANT. It's terrible not to feel wanted, and physical intimacy is something very important to most allosexual people. You're allowed to feel hurt that your partner doesn't seem to care about your needs.

 

Wanting sex is completely valid. Sex gets a bad rap on asexual forums, but for 99% of the population it's incredibly important.

 

--

 

I think you're a good person. You haven't badmouthed your wife at all in this, even after twelve years of frustration. But I don't think you're compatible with your wife, and I don't think this relationship is salvageable. There are women out there who will be just as good of a match emotionally and intellectually, who will love sex to boot.

 

The very biggest, most important question you can ask yourself in regards to a relationship like this is, "Would I be okay never having sex again?" And if the answer is no- and judging by this post, I'm assuming that's the case- then it needs to end, because you probably will never have sex again. And that's not what you're looking for out of a relationship.

 

One last thing:

 

36 minutes ago, SexualHusband82 said:

I told her today that I wanted to split up. She didn't really seem to be emotional about that.

Everyone processes things differently. It could be that she checked out of the relationship a while ago, or that it will hit her later, or that she's depressed. But if you follow through on breaking up with her, the biggest red flag I would warn you about is if she suddenly gets extremely interested in sex. Sometimes it's not even a conscious choice; when I broke up with my allosexual boyfriend, I suddenly deeply desired to be close with him again, because I missed him. But it wasn't the sex I wanted, just his company, and when we briefly (stupidly) got back together again, the desire for sex faded and it felt like I had trapped him. Don't let that happen to you.

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In any relationship, both partners have to feel comfortable with the arrangement or else it’s not going to work in the long run. She seems pretty comfortable not having sex, and while you seem to be very accepting and understanding, you don’t want to go without sex for your entire life. Either you both have to reach a compromise or else it’s not going to be a happy relationship. It seems like your wife is not willing to compromise though if she doesn’t want to try out couples therapy. I would highly suggest therapy for the both of you in order to increase your communication and possibly find ways of physical intimacy that you both like. If you can’t do that though, or if she’s unwilling, then I don’t see this relationship being healthy for much longer. Sex is an important part of a relationship for most people. You want sex. She doesn’t. Many people can make sexual-asexual relationships work, but not everyone. It’s a difficult thing to deal with in a relationship.

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Guest Talgo
59 minutes ago, SexualHusband82 said:

So if I say something incorrect or even offensive it is not intentional and I appoligize in advance.

Dude, I am asexual, and I do that all the time 😂

 

59 minutes ago, SexualHusband82 said:

This has greatly impacted my self esteem. Probably because I am being self centered about it. But I feel ugly, like I am not attractive, like I do not deserve respect and am totally undesirable. I say I am being self centered because this isn't her fault. It effects her negatively as well. For example now she's dealing with a insecure, whiny, over emotional baby of a husband.

This is not unreasonable. Don't think you are being unreasonable. You have wants and needs that aren't being fulfilled in your relationship and it's okay to be upset about it. It's completely understandable and reasonable.

 

1 hour ago, SexualHusband82 said:

it is obviously not her fault

You're doing great

 

1 hour ago, SexualHusband82 said:

If that is the case I would need to either come to terms with being a male who is sexual, but can not have intamacy or sex. Or leaving, breaking both our hearts, and maybe some day starting a new relationship. However I am not 20 anymore.  I am 36, and cant even remember how to date.

Agree with your points here. I'm 33 (34 in a couple weeks) so I know 100% where you are coming from.

 

1 hour ago, SexualHusband82 said:

This morning I decided we needed to split up. For years I asked her to try to....try really. Not by having sex, but figuring out what's wrong (Not meaning wrong with her, but with the situation in general). Maybe counseling, or explore medication or masturbating. However this didn't work.  She never tried and I realized I was likely being a @#%hole for putting it on her like it was her fault .

I was on the other side of this. My GF told me I needed to see a psychiatrist or that I had low testosterone and yeah, it sucked. I'm wired different, but it's hard wired. It can't be fixed with counselling or drugs (I don't think, anyways). It's just something I'm not interested in 😕

 

1 hour ago, SexualHusband82 said:

 I guess I am looking first of all, to get my feelings out. But also to get some advice. If she is asexual, can we make it work?  I have one daughter from my previous relationship, but she's 18 now. So there's no chikdren to stay together for. I understand it ultimately depends on my personal resilience to be able to go without intamacy. I want to make it work though. Any advice? Good support groups that anyone knows of? Thanks for listening to whoever even was able to read a fraction of my ramblings.

Tough call. It sounds like you are reasonable and have made concessions to keep the relationship going. Is she doing the same? You need two willing people to make a relationship work and she needs to do her part. Some asexuals are okay with occasion sex (to keep their partner happy) and some have found scheduling helpful. What I mean by that is: Every other Wednesday you schedule sex. Or once a month. Or whatever. I found a big part of the anxiety about sex I had was that it would be because it was random. That often that caused performance issues (seeing how I can't force the little guy to work on command).

 

So you may need to explore options. Like, maybe she will never want sex but will help with masturbation. Or maybe she will do something sexy while you go on your own. Or maybe she can film something (if she can't be around you when that's going on?). I dunno. But she needs to talk to you about this and help you come to equal ground. Otherwise, I don't see how that relationship would work :( 

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Guest Talgo
14 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

Okay, this is a rough situation. If she were the one on the forums, seeking advice on how to make things work, we might be able to do something with it- but because she, the potentially asexual partner, has made no effort to meet you in the middle on this very important part of a healthy relationship, then I would say splitting up is a good idea.

This is the gist of what I was trying to write above 😂

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Telecaster68
1 minute ago, Talgo said:

My GF told me I needed to see a psychiatrist or that I had low testosterone and yeah, it sucked. I'm wired different, but it's hard wired. It can't be fixed with counselling or drugs (I don't think, anyways). It's just something I'm not interested in

It's a really sensitive thing. On the one hand, asexuals aren't broken and therefore don't need to be fixed. On the other hand, therapy/counselling can help both partners with the relationship. But since it's often the asexual who's going to have to change their behaviour (and maybe world view) more, I can absolutely see how any therapy would feel like it was to fix them, regardless.

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SexualHusband82

Thank you so much for your reply and honesty. You are likely right about needing to split up, although it is hard to admit. I should point out, I haven't necessarily handled this in the best way all the time. I have laid several guilt trips on her during times when I am hurt or upset for example. But yes she should of explored what was going on and tried something.  Thank you so much!

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2 minutes ago, SexualHusband82 said:

Thank you so much for your reply and honesty. You are likely right about needing to split up, although it is hard to admit. I should point out, I haven't necessarily handled this in the best way all the time. I have laid several guilt trips on her during times when I am hurt or upset for example. But yes she should of explored what was going on and tried something.  Thank you so much!

This is why, though it may not seem like it right now, you may both be better off apart. When I was in my last relationship, the idea that I didn't want sex caused me no end of stress. Though it hurt breaking up, I've been so very relieved that I don't have to have sex any more, and your wife may similarly do better.

 

Good luck.

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Telecaster68

@SexualHusband82

 

I'm in the process of splitting up from my functionally asexual wife after 18 years. I'm feeling relieved, and I'm pretty certain she is too.

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SexualHusband82

Thank you all for being so kind. I really appreciate all of you taking the time to reply and give advice. I will be here on this site a lot now, regardless of what me and my wife end up doing.  Everyone that had replied seems so tolerant and accepting. Not to mention intelligent! 

 I have gotten a great deal out of all the advice and will be chewing on it for weeks I am sure. We did bring up the topic of her possibly being asexual a couple times, including today.  I asked her if she's ever been attracted to anyone, male or female. She said she has. I asked if she thinks it is sexual attraction or not. She was unsure. I asked about fantasizing (movie stars or just anyone)  at all. She said she had in the past but not lately. She said it is not me, that she thinks I am attractive but doesn't want or like sex. She said that she wants to be with me for sure, but on the other hand she doesn't seem to fight for us much. Yes, It is very possible that she's just not into me anymore. It happens for sure. In the beginning she chased me. I wasn't into her. Until I found out who she was inside. Very intelligent and has similar values to mine. But the sex never ever worked. The few times we tried, it was the most awkward sex I had ever had. Even when we tried after years of living together. Thanks to all of you again for listening!

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Telecaster68

Sounds pretty identical to conversations I've had with my wife, except spaced over months because she gets so stressed even talking about it.

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SexualHusband82
6 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Sounds pretty identical to conversations I've had with my wife, except spaced over months because she gets so stressed even talking about it.

Yeah that's exactly the way it is with us. I can't hardly approach her about it. Most all the talking was me. She is very quiet anyway, but I think also may have some issues talking about anything uncomfortable. Like processing emotions. My daughter is the same way (from a previous relationship). And men are supposed to be the ones that don't communicate! If it were just about this awkward issue I would understand. It is about everything though. 

7 hours ago, SexualHusband82 said:

Thank you all for being so kind. I really appreciate all of you taking the time to reply and give advice. I will be here on this site a lot now, regardless of what me and my wife end up doing.  Everyone that had replied seems so tolerant and accepting. Not to mention intelligent! 

 I have gotten a great deal out of all the advice and will be chewing on it for weeks I am sure. We did bring up the topic of her possibly being asexual a couple times, including today.  I asked her if she's ever been attracted to anyone, male or female. She said she has. I asked if she thinks it is sexual attraction or not. She was unsure. I asked about fantasizing (movie stars or just anyone)  at all. She said she had in the past but not lately. She said it is not me, that she thinks I am attractive but doesn't want or like sex. She said that she wants to be with me for sure, but on the other hand she doesn't seem to fight for us much. Yes, It is very possible that she's just not into me anymore. It happens for sure. In the beginning she chased me. I wasn't into her. Until I found out who she was inside. Very intelligent and has similar values to mine. But the sex never ever worked. The few times we tried, it was the most awkward sex I had ever had. Even when we tried after years of living together. Thanks to all of you again for listening!

 

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butterflydreams

Moved to SPFA from Asexual Relationships

 

butterflydreams Asexual Relationships moderator

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Whatever you do, do not put yourself through what I went through the last 15 years.

If she lets you sleep with other people, you have a window. If she doesn't, then you will end up hating yourself.

Just had the talk with "my wife" before following through on a flirt I've had the last week or so and I feel like a new man. Now I love my wife even more. And feel so much better about myself. But you must not hope this is going to go away. It won't.

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On 7/18/2018 at 9:02 PM, SexualHusband82 said:

But also to get some advice. If she is asexual, can we make it work?

Your relationship sounds like mine with my ace, with one notable difference. I am polyamorous. Before you think I get laid, think again. I don't actually have another partner. I've never had. I wasn't even looking for one partner when I met him and now that I have him, even though I'm sexually "single", I'm not looking again. It isn't my nature. So, for practical purposes, it is as good as monogamy. BUT....

 

If I did not have the freedom to pursue a relationship AND my partner was ace, it would be game over. Now that I have the freedom, I can choose to pursue it or not, depending on how it suits my preferences. Breaking up with my ace would actually give me nothing but losing the wonderful person he is, so we are together. :)

 

Point I am making is that a sentence of never getting laid is far worse than not getting laid. Perhaps it would not be as bad if you did have choices. Whether you exerted them or not, depending on whatever circumstances are currently making an open relationship impractical for you, it would still be your CHOICE, as opposed to being denied sex as well as not being allowed to have sex with someone else.

 

In my case, I am asocial, so I don't actually like meeting people and so on and am very, very picky about who I let into my life, so the idea of finding a partner is not at all attractive for me, and I'm not the hit-and-run sex type either. So I am celibate. But if I did find someone suitable, who I wanted to be with, I could. And that makes all the difference.

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If you both want to stay together, I would highly recommend finding a good relationship counselor. It sounds like there's stuff going on that's unidentified - she may be asexual, or she may have some emotional issues, or maybe other things.

 

Of course, she has to be willing to try for counseling to work. If she's not willing, it may be because she doesn't really want to continue the relationship; but it may also be that the idea of opening up in that way is terrifying to her. I've known a couple of people who badly needed therapy, but didn't pursue it until their problems became desperate.

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1 hour ago, max9701 said:

Of course, she has to be willing to try for counseling to work. If she's not willing, it may be because she doesn't really want to continue the relationship; but it may also be that the idea of opening up in that way is terrifying to her. I've known a couple of people who badly needed therapy, but didn't pursue it until their problems became desperate.

And as someone else said, it may be because she is indeed just not interested in sex, and doesn't need to be counseled about it.   Just like the sexual partner IS interested in sex, and doesn't need to be counseled about it.  

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anisotrophic
6 hours ago, Sally said:

And as someone else said, it may be because she is indeed just not interested in sex, and doesn't need to be counseled about it.   Just like the sexual partner IS interested in sex, and doesn't need to be counseled about it.  

"Relationship counseling" means something for both partners. I've been counseled about how to handle my desire, and adapted.

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Telecaster68
25 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

"Relationship counseling" means something for both partners. I've been counseled about how to handle my desire, and adapted.

This. The counselling is about the relationship, not one partner's orientation. I'd say that if one partner wants it, the other ought to pay attention and not just dismiss their needs.

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Good councelling does not have a plan about where to go, but instead a method of finding out where you both are. It should not be about getting her turned into a nymphomaniac or him into an irresistible sex god. 

 

 

 

Trouble is, that it can lead to finding out, that neither of you are where the other thougth and you dont want to move in the same direction. That can be a hard pill to swallow.

 

a councelling between two sexuals often has the mutual consent/goal about having a great life with some great sex as well. 

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