juliastar Posted July 18, 2018 Share Posted July 18, 2018 this is going to be kind of jumbled because i have a combination of things about myself and also general questions that i have been repressing for a while and i think they're all just going to come out of me in no particular order so please excuse any disorganized or nonsensical thoughts! my name is julia, and i am still grappling with whether to consider myself ace. i was emotionally abused when i was younger, which led to severe social anxiety in high school, as well as a deep appreciation for close friendships and a tendency to put romantic/sexual relationships on the back burner as something i never wanted or needed, even though it was 'normal' to be more interested in dating than in finding or keeping friends. i thought it might be different once i left high school, but even in college i found that i just didn't care about guys or seeking out romantic/sexual relationships. it is only now that i am beginning to question my (a)sexuality, which is really difficult for me to sort out because: a) i question myself and whether i only want to identify as ace because romantic/sexual relationships are too scary (although i don't think this is giving me enough credit), b) i don't know if i can identify as ace if i am unsure whether i was born this way or whether my experiences made me asexual, which i suppose could be the case for some folks but makes me feel like i'm an imposter in a community of people who have always known, and c) somewhat weirdly, i have a lot of close friends who are queer and part of me can't shake the feeling that i want to identify as queer in some way to belong, if that makes sense. but maybe, even if all of these things are true, my existence is still valid?? idk i just want someone to validate my feels, ya feel. ok that is all, ty for reading xxx Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Falco Peregrinus Posted July 18, 2018 Share Posted July 18, 2018 Welcome to AVEN! I hope you find answers to all your questions here (or at least a few) ! Here's some CAKE Link to post Share on other sites
Athena32 Posted July 18, 2018 Share Posted July 18, 2018 First of all, welcome to AVEN! That's a lot to unpack, but I'll do my best to validate your feels. I'm sorry about your abuse, and I know that, among the AVEN community, you are not alone. Here's a good thread if you're interested in exploring your feelings further. https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/163356-aces-who-grew-up-abused-tw/?tab=comments#comment-1062535136. Also, you will never be considered an impostor. The ace community doesn't have an amusement park sign saying "You must be this Asexual to go on this ride," because that would be ridiculous and betray the point of a community. We have room for everyone: people who are questioning, people who are certain, older folks, younger folks, even people who aren't asexual themselves but are close to an ace person. Even if your experiences deeply effected your feelings around sex, that doesn't invalidate them. It especially doesn't invalidate ours. For your last point, I've totally been there. For the longest time I was in a friend group where being queer was "cool," and I was the ally who never quite fit in. When I first started questioning I worried that I was making up my asexuality because I really wanted to belong to something, really wanted a special label. Then I calmed myself down by asking myself a simple question: Have I ever experienced sexual attraction? I forced myself to only answer in three ways, with a yes, no, or maybe/sometimes, and I had to admit that my answer was no. Removing the idea of "asexual" from this question helped me, because it detached my worries about trying to be queer to "fit in" and instead made it about my inner self. If you feel like you are a-spec (asexual spectrum, including Demisexuality, Gray-Asexuality, Ace-Flux, and of course Asexuality), than you probably are to some degree. Only you can determine that, but chances are good. The last thing I want to say is: even if all of these things are true, your existence is still valid. Your existence is always valid, and don't ever let yourself tell you differently. And when you're having a hard time with it, have a heaping serving of cake with a side of community to cheer you up. (I hope that that sufficiently validated your feels. ) Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted July 18, 2018 Share Posted July 18, 2018 Welcome! Asexuality isn’t about experience, it’s about feelings. More specifically the lack of sexual attraction - which is the biological pull to a specific person and wanting to have sex with the them. Therefore a lack of experience doesn’t affect your ability to identify as ace Link to post Share on other sites
juliastar Posted July 18, 2018 Author Share Posted July 18, 2018 12 hours ago, Athena32 said: First of all, welcome to AVEN! That's a lot to unpack, but I'll do my best to validate your feels. I'm sorry about your abuse, and I know that, among the AVEN community, you are not alone. Here's a good thread if you're interested in exploring your feelings further. https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/163356-aces-who-grew-up-abused-tw/?tab=comments#comment-1062535136. Also, you will never be considered an impostor. The ace community doesn't have an amusement park sign saying "You must be this Asexual to go on this ride," because that would be ridiculous and betray the point of a community. We have room for everyone: people who are questioning, people who are certain, older folks, younger folks, even people who aren't asexual themselves but are close to an ace person. Even if your experiences deeply effected your feelings around sex, that doesn't invalidate them. It especially doesn't invalidate ours. For your last point, I've totally been there. For the longest time I was in a friend group where being queer was "cool," and I was the ally who never quite fit in. When I first started questioning I worried that I was making up my asexuality because I really wanted to belong to something, really wanted a special label. Then I calmed myself down by asking myself a simple question: Have I ever experienced sexual attraction? I forced myself to only answer in three ways, with a yes, no, or maybe/sometimes, and I had to admit that my answer was no. Removing the idea of "asexual" from this question helped me, because it detached my worries about trying to be queer to "fit in" and instead made it about my inner self. If you feel like you are a-spec (asexual spectrum, including Demisexuality, Gray-Asexuality, Ace-Flux, and of course Asexuality), than you probably are to some degree. Only you can determine that, but chances are good. The last thing I want to say is: even if all of these things are true, your existence is still valid. Your existence is always valid, and don't ever let yourself tell you differently. And when you're having a hard time with it, have a heaping serving of cake with a side of community to cheer you up. (I hope that that sufficiently validated your feels. ) wowow thank you for this, and for all the cake, my feels are very validated. amidst all the questioning the only thing that has made me more certain that i'm a-spec is that every ace identified person i have spoken to has said basically the exact same thing, that they also doubted themselves (often for years) before they realized they should trust themselves, and i should probably follow that advice. plus i logically understand that i can always try on a label and if it doesn't fit down the road i don't have to keep the label...if only more people understood queer fluidity #rip but that's another story. ANYHOO thank you for this beautiful response, i feel very welcomed. xxx Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted July 18, 2018 Share Posted July 18, 2018 Welcome to AVEN! Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Hey and welcome Thank you for signing up and sharing your story! A lot of people on here will be able to relate to your words. You are not alone Personally I'm not a big fan of "labels" as I prefer to just go with the flow and to do what I feel like doing. Sex just happened to be pretty much on the bottom of that list, so I always went with "not interested" Having experienced abuse makes things a lot harder to distinguish. There's a huge difference between trauma and one's sexual orientation (which isn't meant to say that you can't be ace regardless), but that's probably something that requires professional help to figure out. The question of whether asexuals are queer/part of LGBT+ is probably older than AVEN itself - some people feel like they belong and others don't. If you'd like to get in touch with yur local community, don't be scared! You'll see how it pans out - maybe you'll get along great and make tons of new friends! I hope you'll enjoy your time on here Have some cake: Link to post Share on other sites
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