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Relationship with a sexual woman


CatPerson

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Hi everybody, so glad to have found this forum. 

I'm a ~30 y.o. bisexual woman. Have been behaving like a hyper-sexual most of my adult life - men, women, threesomes, masturbation - you name it. My open sexuality and high drive were always my 'pride', I hardly held any longer monogamous relationships and always preferred to play around with whoever I wanted (always and only respectfully, of course!). 

I've been in a committed relationship with an amazing woman for the past year,and have been going through a curious process with my sexuality. I'm highly attracted to her, physically and mentally, but from the very beginning was experiencing difficulty in feeling connected to the situation while having sex with her. We've had great and meaningful sex a few times, but not a lot, and obviously she noticed all this from the very beginning. I always ha excuses for everything - not feeling well, being too sad at the moment, having started a new antidepressant that supposedly lowered my libido, but it's never really any of the above. I simply don't want sex. Not with her (most of the time), and definitely not with anyone else. I hardly ever masturbate anymore, and don't have the drive to do so. From having spent full day only masturbating and always holding a vibrator in my bedside drawer, it came to this. 

During this whole time I've been continuing with long, deep therapy I've been going through for around ten yrs now and have been having breakthroughs. Like the realization that many of my sex-based relationships have been exploitive (me being the victim of this), like understanding that my self esteem was always so low, I didn't believe anyone would want any parts in me except for my body. My beauty and sexuality were my pride because I didn't know I had anything else to be proud of. 

My partner is quit highly sexual, we love an enjoy spending time with each other very very much, and both don't want to end the relationship right now but I hurts. She says if she knew I was ace when we met online, so wouldn't have even given it a chance because to her sex is a very important aspect of romantic relationships. We've been discussing our options and she's very open, loving and respectful (and when she's not, she's learning to be) but I can't help but feeling as if I've conned her into an asexual relationship (obviously I didn't have a clue at the time, but still). 

I wanted to hear some input and advice about my story. Is anyone here familiar with 'late-onset' asexuality? Relationships with sexuals? 

Thanks a lot. 

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Telecaster68

You might find some useful posts in the Older Asexuals section, and maybe the Friends and Allies section (but be prepared for some painful reading in the latter).

 

It sounds like your therapy has led you to big changes in how you see yourself (which is great, that's what it's meant to do), and your sexuality is key to all that. Maybe you were asexual all along, maybe it's just a temporary thing. It's probably impossible to tell at the moment. Either way, it's not what you partner signed up for, and she's hurting, and I'm assuming she doesn't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with, so she's between a rock and hard place. Do you think she can stick it out to see whether and how it resolves?

 

The other possibility is that since you've been polyamorous in the past, would you each be open to making your relationship polyamorous, so that at least she has that kind of intimacy in her life, even if it's not with you? 

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Thanks so much for you sensitive reply. I think we're both all in for staying and seeing how things progress. She has children from a previous marriage and I've become so connected to them, to her, to their home, it's as if it's the family I was always supposed to have. 

We are both indeed open to a sexually open relationship (I've not been polyamorous before, just sexually open) and that's definitely a direction we're exploring. 

Only time will tell what happens, I guess. 

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Telecaster68

My first serious relationship was with a woman who was 11 years older than, and who had kids, so I know what you mean about the connection and family. 

 

I'm sure you're doing this, but the main thing is making sure she understands that while your changes are about you, your relationship and her are still on your radar. Showing works better than telling...

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NickyTannock

I don't think I can help, as I've never had a relationship, but I wanted to say welcome to AVEN!

 

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