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Can asexual and sexual live together happily


Samboackers

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Samboackers

So I ask this question as this is my first morning with the realisation that I AM asexual! To cut a long story short

This comes after ‘another ‘ huge argument with my partner last night regarding sex or no sex!,me having another huge breakdown trying to work out ‘what is wrong with me!’ I’ve felt this most of my life, then this morning I stumbled across this website and started reading! I’ve never felt such relief and comfort ever before! I actually felt like a whole person! Like I wasn’t weird or twisted or wrong in the head! It’s just me and it’s ok! But then I felt total dismay, my partner, whom I’m meant to marry in 6 weeks will probably leave me! 

After our talk/argument last night I sent him the link to read up on the subject, to my relief he was so so understanding and supporting and that it makes him now understand!...... but now to my question! Will he be able to live with it long term! Tbh I’m very scared as still very new to all this! But one thing I truly feel is relief to have a reason , a reason to just be me and feel like a real person!! 

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None of us can tell you for sure, but I will say it's generally difficult for both parties. What your future husband is ok with may change -- not because he's being dishonest with you now, but because sometimes it's hard to conceptualise what a relationship with minimal to no sex, or with a partner who can't reciprocate desire, will be like in the long term. It's easier to think it'll be fine than it is for it to actually be fine. Which is not to say that you should ever be required to do something that doesn't come naturally to you or that you don't want. That's why it can get difficult. That said, there are some couples who seem to successfully navigate a mixed partnership.

 

Do you guys have a sex life currently? 

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SnickersGetSomeNoots

I believe that asexual/sexual relationships can work but they require a lot of communication. Its promising to hear that your partner was so understanding but you should be wary that people can change and your partner may realise they need sex. However thats not necessarily the case and it depends completely on the couple. If they love you more than they love sex than it is not impossible to make it work. I don't know if you are sexually active at all with your partner but if you are and you are comfortable maybe look for a compromise on the amount of sex you have. However, if you do not feel comfortable then you are in no way obligated to force yourself through sex. Talk to your partner about your feelings and boundaries so that they can better understand and therefore not make you uncomfortable. I'm not gonna lie it may be more difficult to have a mixed sexuality relationship but if you and your partner's love for each other is strong enough than there is the possibility that your future marriage will work :)🍰🍰🍰

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Yep. To make this work, you've got to compromise.

 

Allow me to make an assumption. If you do not want sex ever, and your partner would like regular sex, you will have to compromise by having occasional sex. It would be cruel to force them to never have sex, in the same way it would be cruel for them to pressure you into having it.

 

I suggest a sex schedule. Maybe once a week, or whatever works for the pair of you. It can be easy to dismiss an allosexual's needs, but remember that sex is often an important way of expressing intimacy for them. If a schedule isn't established, it can be easy to make excuses or keep putting it off. A schedule will also prevent them from pushing you into sex too often.

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Lucidiction

I'm currently dealing with this myself. My partner and I both have a more open mindset when it comes to relationships and sex, and have both been in polyamorous phases in the past. I'm now attempting to get him comfortable with the idea again,  so that he can get his sexual needs taken care of. We want our partners to be happy, but we don't want to have sex, seems like the only solution, no? This way though, they don't resort to cheating when their need for physicality overtakes their love for us. Because it will happen, or they will just let that part of themselves die. I don't want that for my partner. I don't want to take from him something that he loves. I will no longer sacrifice my own well-being for anyone else's though. You shouldn't either.

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13 hours ago, Sam Agar said:

So I ask this question as this is my first morning with the realisation that I AM asexual! To cut a long story short

This comes after ‘another ‘ huge argument with my partner last night regarding sex or no sex!,me having another huge breakdown trying to work out ‘what is wrong with me!’ I’ve felt this most of my life, then this morning I stumbled across this website and started reading! I’ve never felt such relief and comfort ever before! I actually felt like a whole person! Like I wasn’t weird or twisted or wrong in the head! It’s just me and it’s ok! But then I felt total dismay, my partner, whom I’m meant to marry in 6 weeks will probably leave me! 

After our talk/argument last night I sent him the link to read up on the subject, to my relief he was so so understanding and supporting and that it makes him now understand!...... but now to my question! Will he be able to live with it long term! Tbh I’m very scared as still very new to all this! But one thing I truly feel is relief to have a reason , a reason to just be me and feel like a real person!! 

I do. We are happy. I would be miserable without her. But sex will always be a challenge. I fear for the time, when she goes from being okay with some sex to ‘no more, please’. The lack of desire is a hard pill to swallow. 

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I am 38 and married with two kids. I have never enjoyed sex and it is a frequent point of contention with my husband. I always felt broken. I wonder now if I am actually asexual. But if that is true I am not sure how to preserve the marriage 

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Maikimaik0220

I'm shocked that some people are telling you that you should compromise. 

 

No. 

 

If you do not want to have sex with your partner, dont have sex with your partner. Having sex, even though you don't feel comfortable doing it, can be an extremely damaging thing to your soul. Please don't let people guilt you into having sex against your will. And a sex schedule is going to force you into something you probably don't want. 

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Telecaster68
6 hours ago, Maikimaik0220 said:

 

If you do not want to have sex with your partner, dont have sex with your partner.

It's often not as cut and dried as that. The asexual might be neutral or even positive about sex, they're just not bothered if they never have sex; doing things for your partner which you wouldn't do if it was just you is part of being a relationship, so if sex isn't actually distressing, the asexual partner is ambivalent - it's just a bit inconvenient, and it makes their partner feel closer to them, it can be worth it.

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Maikimaik0220
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's often not as cut and dried as that. The asexual might be neutral or even positive about sex, they're just not bothered if they never have sex; doing things for your partner which you wouldn't do if it was just you is part of being a relationship, so if sex isn't actually distressing, the asexual partner is ambivalent - it's just a bit inconvenient, and it makes their partner feel closer to them, it can be worth it.

That's why I said that if you don't want to, you shouldn't. If you're neutral about having sex than it may be fine to you having sex once in a while. But some of us aren't just neutral about it. Sex makes me feel uncomfortable, and I feel terribly guilty for what ever reason after it. Somebody like me should not have sex in order to preserve a relationship. Your well being and mental health is most definitely more important than your relationship and you shouldn't compromise if it makes you feel bad. 

 

Having sex against your will is so much worse than not having sex even though you want to. 

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8 hours ago, Maikimaik0220 said:

I'm shocked that some people are telling you that you should compromise. 

It’s a case of weighing out the options.

 

For some people, honoring their own preference not to have sex is more important than continuing in the relationship.  In that case compromise does not make sense.

 

For others, though, staying in the relationship is more important than never having sex.  People who prioritize the relationship above (avoiding) sex will likely have to compromise.

 

Neither approach is the only right one, or better than the other.  What’s important is knowing yourself and your own priorities.

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On 7/19/2018 at 7:03 PM, Telecaster68 said:

It's often not as cut and dried as that. The asexual might be neutral or even positive about sex, they're just not bothered if they never have sex; doing things for your partner which you wouldn't do if it was just you is part of being a relationship, so if sex isn't actually distressing, the asexual partner is ambivalent - it's just a bit inconvenient, and it makes their partner feel closer to them, it can be worth it.

I have to agree with you there, Telecaster68, in a relationship we often do things for one another that might not be on our favourites list. I can't count the times he took care of the "ugly" chores for us, whether it's unclogging a toilet or dealing with the trash after one of the kids' puke-fests or anything of the sort.  Just for some examples. And not to compare them to sex as such. And I'm very very grateful for them. We all have our sparkling chandelier moments as well as the not-so-thrilling ones. But for as much as he'll respect me wanting a night alone or whatever, I'll respect his need to be close in a sexual way sometimes. I just read this lenghthy thread on wants and needs, but I am convinced, that being sexually close in a relationship is a basic need for sexual people, and even though it might not be on the top of the list of my priorities... you get the idea.  It maintains the relationship.
Unless of course you have a deep aversion towards physical contact, in which case I'd say, if you love someone- set them free.

 

On 7/19/2018 at 8:31 PM, Maikimaik0220 said:

 

Having sex against your will is so much worse than not having sex even though you want to. 

And Maikimaik, what you describe would be consirered rape.

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
On 7/15/2018 at 10:57 AM, Samboackers said:

So I ask this question as this is my first morning with the realisation that I AM asexual! To cut a long story short

This comes after ‘another ‘ huge argument with my partner last night regarding sex or no sex!,me having another huge breakdown trying to work out ‘what is wrong with me!’ I’ve felt this most of my life, then this morning I stumbled across this website and started reading! I’ve never felt such relief and comfort ever before! I actually felt like a whole person! Like I wasn’t weird or twisted or wrong in the head! It’s just me and it’s ok! But then I felt total dismay, my partner, whom I’m meant to marry in 6 weeks will probably leave me! 

After our talk/argument last night I sent him the link to read up on the subject, to my relief he was so so understanding and supporting and that it makes him now understand!...... but now to my question! Will he be able to live with it long term! Tbh I’m very scared as still very new to all this! But one thing I truly feel is relief to have a reason , a reason to just be me and feel like a real person!! 

Well, I honestly don’t know. It's certainly no easy path but everything's possible! Might be over idealistic but still my honest opinion. 

 

Love will always find a way ❤️

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everywhere and nowhere
On 7/19/2018 at 8:31 PM, Maikimaik0220 said:

Having sex against your will is so much worse than not having sex even though you want to. 

Precisely the same what I keep repeating.

 

It would be naive to assume that there can be one answer to the question in the title. If the question is: "Can an asexual and an allosexual person, generally speaking, have a successful partnership?" - then the answer is "Yes". However, it's impossible to extrapolate from this an answer to a specific question: "Can this asexual and that allosexual have a successful partnership?".

Some factors may work in favor of such a partnership, such as: the allosexual partner having a low libido, the asexual partner being sex-indifferent and willing to have sex from time to time, the couple having similar preferences about what they value in a relationship (for example, if they both value spending time together doing something interesting, such as travelling - then poor compatibility in the sexual area may not be meaningful).

Likewise, some factors place such a couple at a disadvantage: the asexual partner being strongly sex-averse, the allosexual partner needing not just some sexual intimacy, but also a feeling of being desired to be happy - this seems to be a common obstacle, because while some aces can compromise with sex, they generally just can't provide the "I want you!" feeling.

 

Just to make it clear that there are people who make this choice: I'm very sure that I wouldn't - couldn't - have sex in a relationship. (Even though this issue necessarily remains very theoretic to me because I have never been in a relationship.) Does it make me a bad person? No, it only shows that I'm a sex-averse person. But still everyone in such a situation should navigate these issues on their own. I'm not against "compromise", I'm just against presenting it as a universal solution and against statements (I haven't seen them from aces on this forum, but from some sexuals, not on this topic - absolutely "yes" :() that you don't love your partner if you can't bring yourself to have sex with them.

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Someone Else

Asexuals sometimes underestimate how important sex is in a monogamous, life-long, loving relationship, just as sexuals often misunderstand asexuality. 
For some sexuals, going without sex in such a relationship hurts them down to their soul at least as much as it hurts asexuals to compromise.  It's hard for a lot of asexuals to picture how that could be, because... sex is so... boring or stupid,etc.  For some it's not just some annoying itch to scatch in a monogamous, life-long, loving relationship, but can be emotionally traumatizing to be "rejected forever" by their love.  
It's tough.  But "no sex ever" can be emotionally devastating to some people, just like too much sex can be devastating to some.
So I can't give specific advice on whether to hold firm or compromise or split up or whatever, because it entirely depends on you and your partner as individuals.  Not all couples are the same, so you and your partner will just have to figure out if your needs and limits are compatible. 

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Telecaster68
24 minutes ago, Someone Else said:

Asexuals sometimes underestimate how important sex is in a monogamous, life-long, loving relationship, just as sexuals often misunderstand asexuality. 
For some sexuals, going without sex in such a relationship hurts them down to their soul at least as much as it hurts asexuals to compromise.  It's hard for a lot of asexuals to picture how that could be, because... sex is so... boring or stupid,etc.  For some it's not just some annoying itch to scatch in a monogamous, life-long, loving relationship, but can be emotionally traumatizing to be "rejected forever" by their love.  
It's tough.  But "no sex ever" can be emotionally devastating to some people, just like too much sex can be devastating to some.
So I can't give specific advice on whether to hold firm or compromise or split up or whatever, because it entirely depends on you and your partner as individuals.  Not all couples are the same, so you and your partner will just have to figure out if your needs and limits are compatible. 

I'd say it would have roughly the same effect in a relationship as one partner deciding they just didn't want to talk any more, and insisting their other half also never talked to anyone else.. A life with no communication in your relationship would be profoundly affecting in itself (not just the lack of bonding in that relationship, but continually questioning why the person you were supposedly closest to in the world found you no longer worth talking to); on top of that, there's no conversation of any sort, ever.  After a while, you'd conclude it was better to just to withdraw into yourself, and that way lies serious depression.

 

Those things individually, let alone together, are damaging, although in a different way to the potential trauma of unwanted (though consensual) sex.

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Who gets damaged more is a bad route to go down, imo. If either side is being deeply hurt then  it isnt a compromise, its a sacrifice and not healthy long term. 

 

If an ace does it and feels bad after, they feel bad after. If a sexual doesnt get it and feels bad about it, they feel bad. Both sides can go into depression and I have seen both sides discuss suicidal thoughts over it. If you are considering that, you are hurting too much and who cares who is hurting more. It isnt a competition or a balancing act to make both equally damaged.

 

The ones that work are the ones where both partners can feel good, content, even if not getting their ideal. Most the time that does mean sex of some form, since sexuals rarely are happy being celibate. 

 

Personally, I am happy to do without sex. I love my spouse and we have a sexual aspect, but if that disappeared there are so many things that for me are better in our relationship. So I could be happy with a fully non-sexual partner. But, I dont find sex important.. it is fun and bonding and all that but so is cuddling for me (yes, after developing sexual attraction and having orgasms for the first time I still consider cuddling #1 ). 

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everywhere and nowhere
4 hours ago, Someone Else said:

It's tough.  But "no sex ever" can be emotionally devastating to some people, just like too much sex can be devastating to some.

And for some any sex can be devastating. Sure, in such cases the best option is simply not to enter a relationship with an allosexual person, but I can understand aces who decide that the odds of finding an ace partner they could love (because usually you don't just love any random person... someone may be asexual, may live close, and yet - just no spark, it may turn out that you have no topics to talk...) are so low that it'd better to at least give it a try with dating non-aces.

I fully support @Serran's view: we shouldn't be arguing who has it worse. One side can't fully understand the other - having strong sexual desire may be as hard to empatho-imagine for aces as it is for some allosexuals that amount of distress a sex-repulsed person may feel about the idea of having sex. And besides, it resembles "Oppression Olympics" - which is bad because it just abets one group against another and never facilitates communication.

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