Jump to content

How to deal with arguments about asexuality


OhDearyMe!

Recommended Posts

When my friend and I start talking about asexuality, it always gets a bit tense. Why? She doesn’t understand how you can separate sexual attraction from romantic. For her the only valid asexuals are the aroaces. For her all the others are somehow not valid, and are just looking for useless labels. She’s straight so of course she can’t understand the use of labels. Anyhow, she’s really good at arguing and I find it really frustrating how I can’t make her understand the whole ace umbrella. 

Anyone have any tips on how to deal with that? I always get really angry (although I try not to show it). 

 

Here are are some of her views on some asexuals: 

-asexuals who masturbate: that doesn’t make any sense, they’re not suppose to feel any sexual attraction. 

-demisexuals: why don’t they just identify as straight, gay or bi.. sure they don’t like one night stands but that doesn’t make them asexual. 

-separating sexual attraction from romantic: romantic attraction is driven/created by sex so you can’t separate the two.  

 

Can anyone find some good answers I can give next time the subject comes up? 😅 

 

Thank you so much !

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ace_of_Hearts <3

For the romantic attraction maybe try an example of a one night stand. If someone was to sleep with someone it doesn't necessarily mean they want a loving relationship with them, they may have been attracted by their looks or personality but primarily with the intention of sex. Asexuality with romantic attraction is kind of like the opposite. People can want a loving relationship with someone but with no intention of sex.

 

I'm not sure if that'd work and help your friend understand better but that's how I'd explain it in a simplified way to try and get the point across. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
NickyTannock
1 hour ago, OhDearyMe! said:

-asexuals who masturbate: that doesn’t make any sense, they’re not suppose to feel any sexual attraction. 

You can be aroused to masturbate without having the desire to have sex with another person you see, which we call sexual attraction.

 

1 hour ago, OhDearyMe! said:

-demisexuals: why don’t they just identify as straight, gay or bi.. sure they don’t like one night stands but that doesn’t make them asexual. 

Demisexuals can't experience sexual attraction if they haven't formed an emotional bond, Heterosexuals, Homosexuals and Bisexuals all can.

 

1 hour ago, OhDearyMe! said:

-separating sexual attraction from romantic: romantic attraction is driven/created by sex so you can’t separate the two.  

Romantic Asexuals want a romantic relationship that doesn't lead to sex, this is a source of conflict in mixed Sexual/Asexual relationships.

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, OhDearyMe! said:

Here are are some of her views on some asexuals: 

-asexuals who masturbate: that doesn’t make any sense, they’re not suppose to feel any sexual attraction. 

-demisexuals: why don’t they just identify as straight, gay or bi.. sure they don’t like one night stands but that doesn’t make them asexual. 

-separating sexual attraction from romantic: romantic attraction is driven/created by sex so you can’t separate the two.

1: They often masturbate for the feeling of physical pleasure, or out of boredom not because of pornographic images/videos.

2: demisexuals aren't straight up asexual, they are just on the spectrum. And they don't identify as straight, gay, or bi because they don't just find people physically attractive as the previously mentioned orientations do, but instead feel that attraction after getting to know the person (basically, they are not shallow)

3: romantic and sexual attraction do not always drive one another, although they can. Romantic attraction is when you feel a strong emotional connection with someone, and you really want to talk with them and be with them. Sexual attraction is when you look at someone and immediately think "I'd hit that." and do not want to talk to them.

 

Hope these help, and these answers are only my opinions, so don't treat them as fact. Hope it helps!

Link to post
Share on other sites

@A.R.B. @MichaelTannock @RandomPerson17 Thank you for your comments! Hoping those will make her understand the spectrum better 😅 

 

@TheLoveOwl Omg I watched so many Ash Hardell videos when I first discovered asexuality! Don’t know if my friend would actually watch Ash’s videos though if I recommended them to her 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

Anyhow, she’s really good at arguing and I find it really frustrating how I can’t make her understand the whole ace umbrella. 

My view of that is... you can't. It a waste of time. It way too difficult to argue about the ace umbrella because the whole thing is a very muddy concept all on it own. The meaning for many of these labels are very broad, so broad you can easily wonder if there should be any separation at all. I mean who to say how one person experience sexuality is unique and whose is common?  All sexuals don't experience their sexuality the same way. Should there not be a sexual spectrum just as there is an ace spectrum? Who made the scientific discovery that demisexuality is unique and thus, deserving of its own label? Or did people simply thought that what they felt was unique and deserving of it own label?

 

The only thing you can comfortably argue is your truth. If I was arguing with my friend on asexuality, I would explain to them why I identify with it. I can romantically like someone, even find them attractive, but I do not feel a sexual pull to my crushes at all. I don't get turn on by topless pictures of my celebrity crushes nor do I want to do anything sexual with them or the people I like whatsoever, despite having a small libido. The libido isn't connected to wanting to connect sexually with others. If she choose not to believe it, than that on her. I've had a similar conversation with a friend of mine who was also very disbelieving, and after I explained to him my truth, the only thing he could say was " man, you really are one of a kind." After that, that all you can do. If they go on disbelieving in asexuals than that is their choice.

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, Kai99 said:

The libido isn't connected to wanting to connect sexually with others.

I think a lot of people don't realize this. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

@Kai99 that was actually very helpful thank you 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...