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Dating when not cis


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Is it just me that only gets weird messages on dating websites when listing myself as genderfluid/non-binary? I feel like people think I'm just wearing clothing designed for women as some sort of kink or something. I've had someone saying they want to stroke my tights and I just find that a weird thing to say. 🤨

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Anthracite_Impreza

Look at it this way, it's a very easy way to dismiss some people.

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At least you can weed people out quickly and efficiently, at least that's what I've found.

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Just Somebody

This sounds like some kind of lack of respect and sexual harassment.

 

I just feel bad when looking for dates on the Internet,  taking in consideration it's pretty frustrating when you realize the majority of people don't feel anything for Trans people,  and the majority of the ones who do usually views us as objects and fetishes and are actually danger as they careless for our feelings and may feel tempted to abuse us.

And it's scary , you don't know if the person that says they love you will murder you tomorrow. But there are some subtle hints of trouble known by Trans people,  avoid going on dates alone and less secure places or places you don't know with people you don't know or with little amounts of people; pay attention to how the "interested" person talks to you, if they want sex at first date, or talk too much about your body,  ask questions that makes you uncomfortable or towards private subjects , etc: I hate to say this but pay more attention if it's a cis person , specially a man "interested" in you. Don't answer the people who come at you "flirting" in uncomfortable suspicious ways, just block them for better. pay attention if the person feels uncomfortable showing you to their friends and families or going out with you, or if they "do the talk " and don't assume the relationship. Don't let them convince you that you're the one that's wrong.

 

 

And even with the high amounts of Trans rejection , even if someone says they would like to date a Trans , that doesn't mean they actually love you, also doesn't mean that they would date PoC people, fat people, poor people, disabled people, little people, neurodivergents,  aces, etc, and that makes finding a potential partner a lot harder and loneliness a lot more frustrating . I talk this from my experience and after talking a lot about it with people who are also Trans.

 

 

By the way, it's easier finding a love among other Trans people, in safe places for us.

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Just Somebody
8 minutes ago, TheLoveOwl said:

A lot of society doesn't like us trans and nb people

My cats like me at least.

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Just Somebody
Just now, TheLoveOwl said:

My cat too and my fish only cuz I feed them

Who I'm trying to fool anyway ....

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I actually gave up on dating websites because it was obvious what people think of people that are different but I was just curious whether other people had similar experiences.

 

I'm not cis or trans. I'm just a crochet human. :P

 

I'm satisfied with having a few good friends and don't stress about relationships. It would be nice to have a companion one day but if it doesn't happen then it wasn't meant to be.

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Calligraphette_Coe
1 hour ago, Princess Merida said:

I actually gave up on dating websites because it was obvious what people think of people that are different but I was just curious whether other people had similar experiences.

 

I'm not cis or trans. I'm just a crochet human. :P

 

I'm satisfied with having a few good friends and don't stress about relationships. It would be nice to have a companion one day but if it doesn't happen then it wasn't meant to be.

I have a lot of experience with this....and it's pretty much all bad. I found it takes at least 15 years before they start believing you when you tell them you are trans, asexual and whatever you think you can make happen is NOT GOING to happen. And that's only if they hang around that long.

 

The Internet is no great place to cultivate friendships, unfortunately. Too often, it's the time and distance thing that conspires to ruin them, even AFTER you get sex off the list of possibilities.

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Just Somebody

Hey... anyone has a story with an happy ending ?

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Taylor Lilith
57 minutes ago, Just Somebody said:

Hey... anyone has a story with an happy ending ?

Anyone wanna hear the story of me and my boi? ( He's transgender )

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Just Somebody
Just now, Taylor Lilith said:

Anyone wanna hear the story of me and my boi? ( He's transgender )

Oh , yeah,  I was expecting someone to tell something positive about dating a cis person when Trans , just to break the common narratives.

 

But yeah,  Trans with Trans sounds more comforting , feel free to go.

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Taylor Lilith
2 minutes ago, Just Somebody said:

Oh , yeah,  I was expecting someone to tell something positive about dating a cis person when Trans , just to break the common narratives.

 

I appreciate the sentiment.  I don't like basing hatred around words.  I would date a cis dude the same as I would date a trans dudes.  I'm interested in dudes and they are just two different forms of dude.  I don't like the narrative of "people are evil because of how their gender correlates to their ASAB" this includes cis males.

 

I was more thinking of giving a happy story and asked because I'm pretty grey-romantic and how he makes me light up like the surface of the sun is something I find annoying often times and I didn't want to annoy people with a grey-ros romantic feels ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

 

ANYWAYS

 

Happy story time >=3.

 

I met this guy in a trans group talking about aromanticism and Harry Potter.  We got to know eachother pretty well.  Way back in February(?) he contacted me to say, "I'm waiting for a bed in the mental hospital, the dysphoria almost won.".  I stayed up with him till he dropped off and then longer to make sure that if he came back and needed someone to say goodbye to before his 72 hour hold, that I would be there for him.  I've been there before.

 

I have never cried and lost so much snot over a 5 day period in my life.  I had almost lost someone important to me and I didn't even know it would have happened.  I'd never heard his voice, never seen his face and I never would have known he would've been gone.  I would've just stared at my screen for years like a puppy waiting for her parents to get home.  So during this 5 day period I got to thinking, how can I help.  I eventually alighted on the idea to invite him to move in with me.  He was looking to move, my rent is cheap, Colorado Springs isn't that far away from Fort Collins.  I decided to ask him to move in and be my QPP ( Queer Platonic Partner).

 

I had, however, realized that I only have the one bedroom and while he is grey-ro/aromantic, I knew he was allosexual and thought to myself, "What if he needs The Sex™️?!1?" because at that point I thought I was sex repulsedlsed towards EVERYONE.  I =/-ed and thought about it and had one of those lovely spakrs of insight.  I'm ace but sex favorable.  My arousal hinges on the arousal of my partner--a male partner.  It was the first time I was so aroused by the prospect of being with another human that I couldn't actually sleep. 

 

He messaged me at like 4 am to which I immediately asked him to be my QPP.  Confusion ensued.  Rejection happened.  He told me he was gay. =C

 

I gave it a few days then asked him about my "sexuality".  He told me what I had was called a power kink.  I've been called a turbo bottom but the term for the who I am is is "True Submissive".  I wear ALL THE DRESSES. 

 

I digress.

 

He dropped off the face of the earth again.  When he resurfaced he told me he had just gotten out of a terribly abusive relationship.  He was now in a relationship with a person who is now my metamour ( My boi is poly ).  I, apparently, make my metamour nervous which is odd to me because he's fantastic and awesome and stuff and given who I am as a person he doesn't have anything to worry about anyways.

 

This charade continued for months.  I was just quitting from another job to move on to another one and I was more exhausted than usual and almost said, "I'm gonna get some sleep, my love." but was wise enough to not say that to a gay dude, blushed the color of a tomato, closed every app, put my phone on silent, decided I had to talk to him, and got some sleep.

 

I woke up and asked if we needed a break but by the end of the conversation we were dating instead.  By the end of 24 hours I had my communication avenue set up with my metamour and we hit off capitally.  Turns out he had said he was gay because if he had told the truth and said he was pan and I had pursued ..... his ex partner was abusive to the point that I could have been in physical danger to the point of it being mortal ..... so he told me he was gay instead.

 

He is involved in BDSM, turns out I was very mistaken in what BDSM is.  When I talked to my metamour about his wife, I went "oh shit, that me".  She finds fulfilment, sexually and relationally, through submission to her owner.

 

WIthin two weeks, I went from squshifriend, to girlfriend, to girlfriend/pet/property.  Now I cry like .... more often than usual because after 30 years of life, 7 years of failed marriage, 2 other girlfriends, I know what love feels like.  I've found the structure and gender and position in a relationship that i want.  It sucks to find that I'm het and fall heavily under BDSM after 30 years of my life but now it's like, this is what love and dating and sex is about?!  I don't think I've ever been happier.

 

 

HAPPY DATING STORY.  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! ❤️

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Just Somebody
3 minutes ago, Taylor Lilith said:

I appreciate the sentiment.  I don't like basing hatred around words.  I would date a cis dude the same as I would date a trans dudes.  I'm interested in dudes and they are just two different forms of dude.  I don't like the narrative of "people are evil because of how their gender correlates to their ASAB" this includes cis males.

 

I was more thinking of giving a happy story and asked because I'm pretty grey-romantic and how he makes me light up like the surface of the sun is something I find annoying often times and I didn't want to annoy people with a grey-ros romantic feels ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

 

ANYWAYS

 

Happy story time >=3.

 

I met this guy in a trans group talking about aromanticism and Harry Potter.  We got to know eachother pretty well.  Way back in February(?) he contacted me to say, "I'm waiting for a bed in the mental hospital, the dysphoria almost won.".  I stayed up with him till he dropped off and then longer to make sure that if he came back and needed someone to say goodbye to before his 72 hour hold, that I would be there for him.  I've been there before.

 

I have never cried and lost so much snot over a 5 day period in my life.  I had almost lost someone important to me and I didn't even know it would have happened.  I'd never heard his voice, never seen his face and I never would have known he would've been gone.  I would've just stared at my screen for years like a puppy waiting for her parents to get home.  So during this 5 day period I got to thinking, how can I help.  I eventually alighted on the idea to invite him to move in with me.  He was looking to move, my rent is cheap, Colorado Springs isn't that far away from Fort Collins.  I decided to ask him to move in and be my QPP ( Queer Platonic Partner).

 

I had, however, realized that I only have the one bedroom and while he is grey-ro/aromantic, I knew he was allosexual and thought to myself, "What if he needs The Sex™️?!1?" because at that point I thought I was sex repulsedlsed towards EVERYONE.  I =/-ed and thought about it and had one of those lovely spakrs of insight.  I'm ace but sex favorable.  My arousal hinges on the arousal of my partner--a male partner.  It was the first time I was so aroused by the prospect of being with another human that I couldn't actually sleep. 

 

He messaged me at like 4 am to which I immediately asked him to be my QPP.  Confusion ensued.  Rejection happened.  He told me he was gay. =C

 

I gave it a few days then asked him about my "sexuality".  He told me what I had was called a power kink.  I've been called a turbo bottom but the term for the who I am is is "True Submissive".  I wear ALL THE DRESSES. 

 

I digress.

 

He dropped off the face of the earth again.  When he resurfaced he told me he had just gotten out of a terribly abusive relationship.  He was now in a relationship with a person who is now my metamour ( My boi is poly ).  I, apparently, make my metamour nervous which is odd to me because he's fantastic and awesome and stuff and given who I am as a person he doesn't have anything to worry about anyways.

 

This charade continued for months.  I was just quitting from another job to move on to another one and I was more exhausted than usual and almost said, "I'm gonna get some sleep, my love." but was wise enough to not say that to a gay dude, blushed the color of a tomato, closed every app, put my phone on silent, decided I had to talk to him, and got some sleep.

 

I woke up and asked if we needed a break but by the end of the conversation we were dating instead.  By the end of 24 hours I had my communication avenue set up with my metamour and we hit off capitally.  Turns out he had said he was gay because if he had told the truth and said he was pan and I had pursued ..... his ex partner was abusive to the point that I could have been in physical danger to the point of it being mortal ..... so he told me he was gay instead.

 

He is involved in BDSM, turns out I was very mistaken in what BDSM is.  When I talked to my metamour about his wife, I went "oh shit, that me".  She finds fulfilment, sexually and relationally, through submission to her owner.

 

WIthin two weeks, I went from squshifriend, to girlfriend, to girlfriend/pet/property.  Now I cry like .... more often than usual because after 30 years of life, 7 years of failed marriage, 2 other girlfriends, I know what love feels like.  I've found the structure and gender and position in a relationship that i want.  It sucks to find that I'm het and fall heavily under BDSM after 30 years of my life but now it's like, this is what love and dating and sex is about?!  I don't think I've ever been happier.

 

 

HAPPY DATING STORY.  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! ❤️

I don't know if it's common around Trans, aces or transaces but I never been open to  polyamorous relationships in my life til one day i befriended a couple who I actually had a romantic crush or both of them (only when thinking of the 3 of us together,  I couldn't fall in love with them separately what I find interesting )

I never felt this way before... and I guess this happened because Ive been having pretty intense lonely times the time that happened, I mean, I guess that was a unconscious way of moving on since I never had any lucky with the classic monogamous amatonormative sexual relationships, I guess they weren't made for me. 

I don't know , I think growing up changed my views on love, specially when growing up dealing with loneliness.

 

Maybe this narrative is common among Trans and aces.

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Just Somebody
Just now, Just Somebody said:

I don't know if it's common around Trans, aces or transaces but I never been open to  polyamorous relationships in my life til one day i befriended a couple who I actually had a romantic crush or both of them (only when thinking of the 3 of us together,  I couldn't fall in love with them separately what I find interesting )

I never felt this way before... and I guess this happened because Ive been having pretty intense lonely times the time that happened, I mean, I guess that was a unconscious way of moving on since I never had any lucky with the classic monogamous amatonormative sexual relationships, I guess they weren't made for me. 

I don't know , I think growing up changed my views on love, specially when growing up dealing with loneliness.

 

Maybe this narrative is common among Trans and aces.

I found my crush on these 2 pretty weird as I never enjoyed polyamorous  relationships and I never thought I would be OK with these kinds of deals before having these feelings for these 2 cishets.

I don't know if I will ever wish to have an polyamorous relationship again, I don't really know anymore.

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Taylor Lilith
4 minutes ago, Just Somebody said:

I never been open to  polyamorous relationships

Same, until this guy. I diddn't think I would be.  I honestly thought I would have a lot of problems.  I can see how much he loves him and how much he loves me and it doesn't bother me at all.  It's weird in that I always thought I would have problems with a poly partner.  I'd have troubles with an open relationship but not poly.  I'm strictly monogamous but I don't care if my partner isn't.  It' really really weird how easy it is and how much I enjoy my metamour specifically because of how much my boyfriend loves him. 

 

I didn't even realize there may be a pattern amongst aces and trans and trans aces.  

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Just Somebody
Just now, Taylor Lilith said:

Same, until this guy. I diddn't think I would be.  I honestly thought I would have a lot of problems.  I can see how much he loves him and how much he loves me and it doesn't bother me at all.  It's weird in that I always thought I would have problems with a poly partner.  I'd have troubles with an open relationship but not poly.  I'm strictly monogamous but I don't care if my partner isn't.  It' really really weird how easy it is and how much I enjoy my metamour specifically because of how much my boyfriend loves him. 

 

I didn't even realize there may be a pattern amongst aces and trans and trans aces.  

I don't know , I keep trying to understand why I developed feelings for wanting that kind of relationship with them.

I blame my loneliness but also, taking in consideration I made friends with both of them also,  and that made me feel more comfortable than jumping in the middle of a relationship.

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Just Somebody
10 minutes ago, Taylor Lilith said:

I didn't even realize there may be a pattern amongst aces and trans and trans aces.   

I believe that the frustration of desires and loneliness have an impact on people.

 

 

I see a lot of Trans and aces and aros in qprs/qpps,  friends with benefits, colorful friendships, polyamourous relationships whether romantic or not , and other forms of alternative social contracts of affection. I guess this pattern is a tendency.

But I understand, when you have a lot more of chance of dying alone just because being gender variant or not wanting sex/romance/touch, having an restrict view of love or orientation won't help either.

But there's other forms of dealing with loneliness, like having pets, also very common around these people, specially if they have social anxiety or dislike human interactions , what is also not uncommon around these groups.

 

It's also common around people to "adjust" , I hear lots of stories of hetero girls in women-exclusive-schools engaging in lesbian relationships bc the lack of men and loneliness.  That also happens a lot in jails.

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Calligraphette_Coe
51 minutes ago, Just Somebody said:

I believe that the frustration of desires and loneliness have an impact on people.

 

 

I see a lot of Trans and aces and aros in qprs/qpps,  friends with benefits, colorful friendships, polyamourous relationships whether romantic or not , and other forms of alternative social contracts of affection. I guess this pattern is a tendency.

But I understand, when you have a lot more of chance of dying alone just because being gender variant or not wanting sex/romance/touch, having an restrict view of love or orientation won't help either.

But there's other forms of dealing with loneliness, like having pets, also very common around these people, specially if they have social anxiety or dislike human interactions , what is also not uncommon around these groups.

 

It's also common around people to "adjust" , I hear lots of stories of hetero girls in women-exclusive-schools engaging in lesbian relationships bc the lack of men and loneliness.  That also happens a lot in jails.

It's called 'plasticiity', and when you've been where I've been, it seems like both a blessing and a curse. "You'd be surprised what you can get used to" is a common statement. And you would. I had to have my brain partially rewire itself after my strokes, the first of which happened before I was 30.

 

But  I might be able to write a book about it, I just can't give you a synopsis in a 12 sentence post in my own words. I could borrow from the Greats, and have quoted things on here like 'Whales Weep Not':

 

Quote

They say the sea is cold, bu the sea conatins the hottest blood of all / And the wildest/ and the most urgent.

But when you try to get cispeople to understand, you often get  questions like "Which one of you is the girl."    :::::::facepalm:::::::

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Just Somebody
4 minutes ago, Calligraphette_Coe said:

It's called 'plasticiity', and when you've been where I've been, it seems like both a blessing and a curse. "You'd be surprised what you can get used to" is a common statement. And you would. I had to have my brain partially rewire itself after my strokes, the first of which happened before I was 30.

 

But  I might be able to write a book about it, I just can't give you a synopsis in a 12 sentence post in my own words. I could borrow from the Greats, and have quoted things on here like 'Whales Weep Not':

 

But when you try to get cispeople to understand, you often get  questions like "Which one of you is the girl."    :::::::facepalm:::::::

Yeah. .. i forgot to mention about brain damage, trauma,  and neurodivergencies alongside loneliness .

 

 

But anyway , I feel really sorry for you .😟

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Calligraphette_Coe
4 minutes ago, Just Somebody said:

Yeah. .. i forgot to mention about brain damage, trauma,  and neurodivergencies alongside loneliness .

 

 

But anyway , I feel really sorry for you .😟

If you live long enough, you find the biggest enemy of friendship is the Grim Repaer. I've lost sooo many that way, and I'm about to lose two more to the Big C this year.

 

I've always been pretty androgynous, and that was something that made finding companionship in a heterocis world a real nightmare. How do you pour yourself into a mold, how do you stay in character, how do you learn to deny what you are to get something that you ultimately find you didn't need or even want.

 

You learn to find the silver linings in empathy and not so much in relationships where you don't and can't 'fit. Having been through an NDE (Near Death Experience), I find there are worse things than death.

 

We all die alone. The bigger tragedy is to die friendless.

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Just Somebody
Just now, Calligraphette_Coe said:

If you live long enough, you find the biggest enemy of friendship is the Grim Repaer. I've lost sooo many that way, and I'm about to lose two more to the Big C this year.

 

I've always been pretty androgynous, and that was something that made finding companionship in a heterocis world a real nightmare. How do you pour yourself into a mold, how do you stay in character, how do you learn to deny what you are to get something that you ultimately find you didn't need or even want.

 

You learn to find the silver linings in empathy and not so much in relationships where you don't and can't 'fit. Having been through an NDE (Near Death Experience), I find there are worse things than death.

 

We all die alone. The bigger tragedy is to die friendless.

I can relate to this.

 

It's frustrating to not be able to maintain friendships , specially in times like these with Internet , everybody is social , but nobody is friends , how paradoxical.

 

But yeah , the life of a Trans person is full of loneliness and lack of affection, at least how I hear from narratives and from my life experiences so far.

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Calligraphette_Coe
55 minutes ago, Just Somebody said:

I can relate to this.

 

It's frustrating to not be able to maintain friendships , specially in times like these with Internet , everybody is social , but nobody is friends , how paradoxical.

 

But yeah , the life of a Trans person is full of loneliness and lack of affection, at least how I hear from narratives and from my life experiences so far.

Sadly paradoxical, because the Internet promises to take all the work away it takes, and though it offers from safety with the cloak of anonymity, it substitues hurt for fear, in that people feel free to trigger other people and speak with a lack of empathy with no threat of paying a price for it. So, it filters out some toxins, but then creates others. 

 

Just the sort of maddening thing the Univese is good at doing.... Giveth/Taketh. It seems only the lucky few get to have it all. And even for them, the lease runs out.

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Janus the Fox

It's often quite the quandary myself, not dating, passively allowing dates and to which expression of gender as a mixed gender expressed non-gender aro-ace...

 

Haven't used dating sites for years, though often little to no messages at all.  Found I don't like or believe much for the dating social rules online and off, though had more luck in my social group kink scene (men only furry yiff kink). 

 

The general dating scene difficulties can stem from my autism more than the asexuality and gender differences.

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