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Asexual boyfriend and im sexual


Matthew1139

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Matthew1139

I have no clue what to do, he doesnt even know that im questioning the relationship at this point. But im still a virgin at the moment and he is talking about are future, a future in which we would not have sex and i plan on having sex at some point. I dont want to ask him because i know where he stands on it. It makes him uncomfortable and i dont want to put him in that situation. So now im question could i ask him if he is ok with us not being a monogamous relationship so i could have my needs delt with with out making him uncomfortable or just breaking up. I really need some advice for how to go on at this point

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You could ask him if its ok to open up, but a lot of people are monogamous and that goes for aces too. Breaking up may be required if you cant find a workable system. But, talk first and see what you can figure out together would be my suggestion. 

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I think talking openly with him about how you feel, and listening to what he has to say, is the best thing you can do at this point. It's best for both people to be part of the discussion when decisions are being made that affect both of your futures. I wish you the best of luck!

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You need to be honest with him. Talk about how you feel, your doubts, your ideas, open up and take it from there.

Good luck!

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ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø
23 minutes ago, Matthew1139 said:

could i ask him if he is ok with us not being a monogamous relationship so i could have my needs delt with with out making him uncomfortable or just breaking up.

I see nothing wrong with a polyamorous relationship. I would ask him and see how he feels. If he doesn't like the idea, breaking up might be the smartest option.

 

Also, welcome to heAVEN! Have as much :cake: as you want! There's an infinite amount of it here!

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Be honest with him. Tell him how you feel, hear his side of the story, exchange doubts, and maybe make a plan for what you could do. As long as you're both respectful of each others' opinions of the relationship. Good luck

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Knight of Cydonia

If you decide to never have sex to satisfy his desire of not having sex, keep in mind that you would be sacrificing your own desires and he wouldn't be sacrificing anything. In my opinion (and I speak as the asexual in a relationship with a sexual), this is unbalanced and unfair for you. For asexual/sexual relationships I always recommend coming to some kind of compromise. Why should you be the only one to sacrifice your desires?

 

Yes, this will require speaking openly about how you feel with him, and getting into uncomfortable territory. But ultimately if having sex is important to you, make sure he understands that. A compromise would probably mean that he will have to, well, have sex every now and then, but on the other hand you will be getting way less sex out of your relationship than a typical sexual/sexual relationship. From my own personal experience, my partner and I have made this work going on 4 years now. And I don't get any enjoyment from sex, don't enjoy it at all, but we do it so rarely (every few months to a couple times a year) that I can sacrifice that because I know how much it means to him.

 

If he continues to say no then I would consider that while you may be okay with it now, years from now some resentment might start kicking in. I understand that sex is an important part of a relationship for sexuals so I wouldn't feel guilty if it's important for you. So you'll have to ask yourself if you honestly would be okay with sacrificing that side of yourself for potentially the rest of your life. If not, and he still says no despite you telling him this, then I don't think he's right for you.

 

Alternatively, as you mentioned there is an option for having sex with someone outside of your relationship. Personally I'm uncomfortable with this idea - I know I would be heavily against the idea if my partner proposed that to me, even if it meant I would never have sex again. But who knows, everyone is different and some people are okay with it.

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Mixed sexual / asexual relationships are rarely happy.  Sex is just to important to the happiness of  many sexuals and too tied to their ideas of love and romance.  Meanwhile for many asexuals, sex is somewhere between boring and horrible.  

 

Often it is a gap to wide to be bridged and many couples suffer from trying too hard to make an incompatible relationship work. 

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