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Throwing everything out there


Yellow Duckie

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Yellow Duckie

This seems like the place to put all my confused thoughts, so here goes:

 

I'm 31 and a virgin, never been in a relationship and haven't even dated in years. Even when I tried to date I never got past 2 or 3. I've always been strongly independant and I'm mostly happy on my own  but I get really lonely sometimes  and keenly feel the social stigma of being a single woman in my 30s. It's especially bad during holidays and family vacations and any situation where I feel like the odd man out. I have a visceral dread of being a pathetic auntie imposing on my friends' and siblings' family events in my old and middle age. I know my desire to be in a relationship is mostly socially motivated, but I can't make myself not care about what people think of me. That said, I would also really like someone to curl up and watch movies with, hug at the end of a long day, be my automatic partner for rollercoasters and such. 

 

I've known about asexuality for a long time, but only recently twigged to the idea that maybe I haven't ever had sex because I don't actually want to, as opposed to because I am an unattractive, unlovable person. That realization gave me a spark of hope that maybe I can find a person to be with and love, because I do actually think I want that. I just don't know how to go about it because dating is terrifying to me.

 

It feels so good to get that off my chest, even if noone responds. 

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I'm twice your age but we both have had about the same amount of sex.  I get the strong impression women are more prone to experience social pressure than men. Whatever the reason, its important to realize nobody will ever know you better than yourself. Therefore other's suggestions will always contain a certain amount of ignorance.  When discussing sex there's usually a lot of ignorance. This gets even worse for asexuals. Therefore it is imperative that you come to terms with yourself and when you do nobody's opinions will really mater anymore. Neither of us are hurting anybody being what we are, so what's wrong with it? There's nothing wrong with us either. 

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glitchberry

Firstly my darling nobody is unlovable. Everyone is lovable to somebody. And frankly the way you speak has me a little bit in love (yeah I know, I'm a huge dork). So you will almost definitely find someone, and it might not be who you expect.

The only way to get over the fear of dating is to do it. Which I know is the least helpful thing to hear ever, but there really isn't any way around that one. It's never not scary. If you're meeting someone from online there's the fear that you don't really know the person and they could actually have been catfishing you, or be a serial killer. If you start dating one of your friends there's the fear that it will go sour and you will lose that friend. But you could also wind up finding your soulmate. 

If you're questioning whether you are asexual then think back to whether you have ever been sexually attracted to your partners. You could be grey-ace, or demisexual.

You are not dysfunctional, and I am willing to bet that you are not unattractive or unlovable. You will find your someone ❤️ 

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@Yellow Duckie Hi! Welcome to heAVEN! Have some 🍰! Some people do decide to stay single for life. I don't think your family will think you're a burden because you're single. They're just thoughts. They're nothing more than that. If, in your heart, you want to be single, there's nothing wrong with that. To follow your heart is more important than anything!

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NickyTannock

@Yellow Duckie welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm 33, and I've never had sex or a relationship either.
So I can relate.

 

10.jpg

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Yellow Duckie

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate the support and advice. I've been keeping stuff bottled up and it's such a relief to express myself and be validated. I needed to hear the things you said, particularly about my fears being just thoughts in my head. And thanks for the cake! 😊

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Purple Wanderer
On 7/14/2018 at 5:03 PM, Yellow Duckie said:

 my automatic partner for rollercoasters and such. 

 

This...

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