Struggling in a long term relationship

[tnb12]

Hi, my name is Tina and this is my first time posting in the forum. 

 

Ive been doing lots of research online and I think I fall into the category of gray-sexual. I’ve had sexual partners in the past but they’ve always intiated and sexual contact as I haven’t really been that fussed. I rarely think about having sex or feel any kind of sexual feelings whatsoever. 

 

Ive been with my partner for 3 years but we’ve only had sex a handful of times. Initially we thought my libido was affected because I was on the contraceptive pill for so many years but after being off the pill for over a year, it’s clear I’ve just never really had those kind of feelings? Recently things have been a lot harder because he has a very high sex drive and with mine being virtually non-existent when we do spend time together it’s like a giant elephant in the room? He’s started to struggle with his self confidence because sometimes he thinks I don’t find him attractive and don’t want to have sex with him? I hate the idea that I’ve upset him and hurt his feelings but it’s also very frustrating for me because I just don’t know how to deal with his insecurities when I have a million of my own? 

 

I was was just wondering if anybody had any advice or coping strategies for what we can do to help the situation? 

 

Thanks! 

[Taylor Lilith]

Do you like sex or are neutral towards it?

[Taylor Lilith]

Also Welcome to Aven!  Have some cake

[FIick]

First of all, these links might lend a hand:

https://www.asexuality.org/?q=relationship.html

https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2017/06/23/asexual-partner_a_22716158/?guccounter=1 (I would take this with a grain of salt though, as the 'minimum number of sex' thing strikes me as something that doesn't take into account sex-repulsion)

 

Second of all, Welcome to AVEN, have some cake, sit down, we're all very friendly! 🍰

 

I understand his self-confidence may be damaged, but I think that might be a result of him not really understanding how asexuality works. People who think that asexual people not being attracted to them is 'a fault of theirs' probably are subscribed to very traditional views of sexuality. It's almost certainly worth having a discussion about how he understand asexuality, and how you understand it. If nothing else, it will clear the air, but it will also probably bring to light some confusion he has that you can help him work through.

 

Additionally, there are many ways to express attraction without sex (though many think it's the only way, unfortunately). There's sensual attraction (hugging, kissing, being tactile and just giving them light affectionate touches often when you walk past). You can also make sure to compliment him, as by validating him he kind of has a verbal reminder that you still love him. 

 

Finally, remember to take care of yourself, and make sure that your own needs are made clear. It's all great making sure he's ok, but you can never ensure the happiness of your partner at the cost of your own. Remember your worth.

 

I definitely think you should talk it out. But it sounds like you both really care for each other, and I think this is something you can totally work through ❤️ Best of Luck!

[Grimalkin]

You know, I was in much the same situation. I was dating a wonderful man, we were best friends and we did so much together, I loved him deeply. We dated for a long time, and during that time, I struggled to understand why my "libido" wasn't there to match his very high one. I thought maybe it was the birth control pills as well, or my diet, or something fixable.

 

I expressed this to him, all frustrated. He was very understanding. "And it's not like I'm asexual or anything," I added, after my ranting. And then I lay awake for the next two nights and thought to myself, ...Damn, I might be asexual.

 

Ultimately, it depends on how important sex and the desire to be wanted is to your partner. It was very important to my boyfriend, so I had to let him go. It was awful, but he deserves someone who matches his libido.

 

It may not be the same in your case, but watch out for his mental state. I was in a relationship before where the guy was not very forthcoming with affection, and it hurt quite a bit. To a lot of allosexual people, sex = affection, and not being wanted in that way can be stressful and disappointing. It can be very frustrating that you can't "make him understand," but it doesn't mean his feeling are any less valid.

 

It sucks all around, I'm sorry.

[Telecaster68]

1 hour ago, Flickering said:

First of all, these links might lend a hand:

https://www.asexuality.org/?q=relationship.html

https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2017/06/23/asexual-partner_a_22716158/?guccounter=1 (I would take this with a grain of salt though, as the 'minimum number of sex' thing strikes me as something that doesn't take into account sex-repulsion)

 

Second of all, Welcome to AVEN, have some cake, sit down, we're all very friendly! 🍰

 

I understand his self-confidence may be damaged, but I think that might be a result of him not really understanding how asexuality works. People who think that asexual people not being attracted to them is 'a fault of theirs' probably are subscribed to very traditional views of sexuality. It's almost certainly worth having a discussion about how he understand asexuality, and how you understand it. If nothing else, it will clear the air, but it will also probably bring to light some confusion he has that you can help him work through.

 

Additionally, there are many ways to express attraction without sex (though many think it's the only way, unfortunately). There's sensual attraction (hugging, kissing, being tactile and just giving them light affectionate touches often when you walk past). You can also make sure to compliment him, as by validating him he kind of has a verbal reminder that you still love him. 

 

Finally, remember to take care of yourself, and make sure that your own needs are made clear. It's all great making sure he's ok, but you can never ensure the happiness of your partner at the cost of your own. Remember your worth.

 

I definitely think you should talk it out. But it sounds like you both really care for each other, and I think this is something you can totally work through ❤️ Best of Luck!

Sadly, it's not as simple as explaining to the sexual partner that they don't understand, they're confused and that sex being part of a relationship is an outdated tradition, so the poor benighted souls can see the error of their ways and be enlightened. For most sexuals, sex has a similar position in a relationship as conversation - it's inherently a shared experience and woven deeply into how they experience intimacy, and without it, something huge is missing (just as it would be if conversation, trust, life aims etc were the issue. Asexuality is not unique in being a dealbreaker for many people).

 

It's not particularly hard to grasp the concept of asexuality intellectually, but dealing with the emotional impact it has on your relationship is an ongoing issue, for both partners.  You might find it useful to get some of the sexual partner's perspective from posts in the Friends, Partners and Allies section here.

[FIick]

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

Sadly, it's not as simple as explaining to the sexual partner that they don't understand, they're confused and that sex being part of a relationship is an outdated tradition, so the poor benighted souls can see the error of their ways and be enlightened.

I am aware of that. I don't expect this to be a magic Deux Ex Machina cure. But if you never communicate your needs, nothing changes. If they don't try, nothing changes. Why roll over and give up, as if there's no hope for ever reaching a state of happiness for both of them? Even if it doesn't fix everything, it might at least help, and as someone who hasn't met either of them, the best I can do is give advice. I'm not going to suggest a sexual answer to an asexual, so instead I gave advice on how to help boost the boyfriend's confidence in other ways. It's the best I can do as an outside voice. Also I've visited that section of the forum a few times now, but thank you for the source.

[Telecaster68]

I was pointing the OP at Friends and Allies rather than you.

 

My point wasn't that communication isn't worth doing - it certainly is - but that your post came across as though the sexual partner needed to have the lack of importance of sex explained to them so they'd understand they were mistaken about needing it.

 

Those other things don't really make up for not being desired by your partner, for sexuals, and the relationship may be so good otherwise that it's worth pursuing, but those other things won't fill the absence. Asexuals frequently see sex as a kind of discrete module of a relationship that people either want or don't want, but for most sexuals, it's not like that. Sex is interwoven through the emotions, trust, and intimacy of the entire relationship.

[Taylor Lilith]

Sorry it was 4am and I was super tired and didn't really reply as best I could. 

 

Do you keep a journal?  If so, write in there, "Have sex with partner."

 

Scheduler?  Write down times to have sex with your partner. 

 

Phone?  Set a recurring reminder to have sex with your partner. 

 

etc. 

 

Unless, of course, you're sex repulsed then there isn't really much you can do =/

 

I've been told many times in the past that I'm not a very sexual or romantic being but reminded myself constantly means I could function in an allo relationship. 

 

You're, pretty much, in a cross sexuality relationship. They don't quite match but at least they work out in this situation. Your relationship is going to be harder than an allo relationship but if you love eachother/like eachother, you'll work it out. 

 

My boyfriend is polygamous and aro. I explained to my metamour that the fact that he is loved and in a relationship in the first place makes him important. He was tickled pink, he had never had his importance explained to him from another aro. 

 

And that's another important thing to note. If a partner is ace and willing to have sex, and tries to make sure that the allos partner is fulfilled the allo person should realize how important they are. 

 

He's not ever going to understand and this will probably be a recurring problem but perhaps when he struggles remind how important and amazing he must be to be in a sexual relationship with an ace ¯\_(ツ)_/¯