Rivka Posted July 13, 2018 Share Posted July 13, 2018 Hey all, I know I'm super lucky in that I found a kind, local ace guy. We've been dating for a little over six months. We have similar tastes and it's fun to be with him. He's also incredibly patient with my limited energy reserves. But he seems to be in love, and I think I'm just in like. I don't know if this is because that's all I'm capable of, or what. I've dated so infrequently throughout my life that I don't know how it's "supposed to" feel at this point (or at any point, really). It seems like we're just becoming better and better friends. I like that, and I like him, but I don't want to lead him on if his feelings are stronger than mine. I'm not trying to be all whiny "oh noes I don't feel the love, is not perfect, woe is me," I just genuinely like this guy and don't want to waste his time if I'm not going to be able to reciprocate his feelings. But I don't know if that's just the way I am, or if it's him, or if I haven't allowed for enough time to pass, or something else altogether. Has anyone else experienced something like this? How did you deal with it? Am I just being impatient? Link to post Share on other sites
Grimalkin Posted July 13, 2018 Share Posted July 13, 2018 I have felt that way in the past. The relationship was otherwise nearly perfect, but after a year or so I started to wonder if I would like to be in this relationship for the rest of my life. And I found myself uncertain... which is the same as 'no.' I think if you're in an otherwise pleasant relationship and you find yourself detached and clearly not as invested as the other person, and you don't see that changing any time soon, then it may not work out. It could, of course. But I couldn't envision a future with the fellow I dated, even though I cared quite a lot about him. And if you can't see yourself with them twenty or forty years down the line, what's the point? We broke up. It was terribly unpleasant because there was so much affection on both sides. It can be so much harder to leave a good relationship than a bad one, because there's so much to look back on fondly. But now I'm glad that we did, because for the time being I'm content to be alone. Side note: Sometimes the answer is to wait and see if you get feelings for him, but in this case, I think it's better to end it sooner. If he really loves you, sticking around in the relationship for another two years will only devastate him when the time comes. Six months is better. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Talgo Posted July 13, 2018 Share Posted July 13, 2018 I guess it all depends on what you are looking for. I would be more than happy to be in a relationship with someone I am in like with. But I guess that's where honesty comes in. If you can speak about it honestly with your partner, and they are cool with it, then cool. I guess I am looking for a companion. Someone who has similar interests and goals as me with a bit of their own interests and goals. If we can spend time together happily, grow together happily, and generally just be _happy_, then I'm not too certain how much I care about love. That said, if I am happy now, I would assume I would be happy in 20 years (so maybe try to look into your future and if that person is there with you). Link to post Share on other sites
Autumn Season Posted July 13, 2018 Share Posted July 13, 2018 When I wondered whether or not to stay with somebody, then I questioned myself whether I was happier with or without my partner. If I was happier with them, then surely I could share this feeling and thus make them happy as well. If I was better off without the romantic relationship, then it was better for the both of us to go separate ways. However happiness is just one of many relationship goals and I don't know which ones the two of you have. Link to post Share on other sites
Ousel Posted July 13, 2018 Share Posted July 13, 2018 I don't know how you are, but I'm pretty slow to warm up to people. I don't fall hard and fast like maybe your partner does. I give relationships a year before assessing. Part of that choice is about how often (or not) I tend to see people. Seeing someone more than twice a week is a lot for me. Also I think folks have said some really good things above. Link to post Share on other sites
RakshaTheCat Posted July 14, 2018 Share Posted July 14, 2018 Hmm, am I really the only one who thinks that these kind of issues are best discussed with partner? You could either resolve them together, or agree to downgrade your relationship to friendship if it won't work. Link to post Share on other sites
Rivka Posted July 14, 2018 Author Share Posted July 14, 2018 Hi all, Thanks for the replies. After reading your advice, I intend to discuss this with my partner, I'm just trying to figure out how best to approach it. I really appreciate the advice and I think I'll just try to be straight and tell him that I enjoy his company, I like being around him, but I'm afraid he's more invested than I am and I don't want to take advantage of him. I don't know if I just need more time, or if this is just how I work, or what. He knows I haven't dated much, so hopefully he will continue to be understanding of my inexperience. And if not, well, better to break it off now I guess... But honestly, I could see myself twenty years down the line living with this guy and being happy and comfortable, though we're still getting to know each other (so that could change if there's something remarkably incompatible between us). I think that's significant, and I plan to tell him that. I'm just... not sure if I should be looking for something more. Yet what more do I need than happiness? This is where I feel like I'm getting all whiny >_< Link to post Share on other sites
Rivka Posted July 15, 2018 Author Share Posted July 15, 2018 Thanks for the advice, all - things went well! He's cool with me being me, and taking it slow to see how things go. ❤️ Also cake. Link to post Share on other sites
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