I Want to Get This Off My Chest.

[Xrott]

This is my very first post on here and I'm not really sure how long I will be sticking around after that, but I just have to talk about this and get this off my chest.
I want to publicly declare for the very first time how I feel about sex, even if it's just in this somewhat anonymized setting.

 

In the past, I've thought a lot about myself, who I am and what I want in life. These last few days I've also read a lot of material about asexuality including the FAQs here, and a lot of it really resonated with me. I feel like all the puzzle pieces to my sexuality have finally fallen into place.

 

As a result I have decided, for myself, that I want to identify as an Asexual and that makes me happy.

 

For me, some of the most striking stories that I've read around here are the ones about how some asexuals figured they must be "straight by default". With me it was similar, but in the opposite direction:

Since, as a man, I was never interested in women (and actually get deeply uncomfortable looking at female anatomy) but liked being around guys and found the male body "aesthetically attractive", I always thought that I must be gay.

 

For a long time I was okay with that too, but the more I thought about it, the less I could see myself ever actually getting intimate with a man as well. In the end, though, I just figured that I just have to settle with being a "non-practicing homosexual" and probably be alone with how I feel. I mean, at that point I already knew that asexuality was a thing for some time, but I didn't really understand what it was and didn't see it as a viable option to describe myself.

 

You see, I actually have a very high libido and spend a lot of my time looking at porn (maybe even to an unhealthy degree?). I also have a couple of fetishes. Every day I look at adult art (most of it is "furry" in nature even. Gasp!).

 

The thing is, though, what turns me on aren't penetration, bodily fluids and intimacy with another individual, it's about just looking at beautiful body-parts I like (kind of a "shallow attraction") or about making me feel a certain way. For example, one fetish I really enjoy is "macro/muscle-growth". When I look at art with this theme, I either fantasize about feeling bigger and stronger myself or being with someone that can protect me and makes me feel secure.

 

Also, when I say I look at adult artwork, I mean exclusively drawn/cartoon-ish/anime-ish characters. The more grounded in reality it is and the more it is about actual sex and intimacy, the less it turns me on and actually makes me uncomfortable. In the past I sometimes might've been "in the mood" to look at real pictures of good looking male bodies, but I feel like that has faded away almost completely at this point.

 

Sometimes I think that maybe my possibly unhealthy porn consumption has somehow warped my sexuality, but then I think back and remember that, looking at naked women has always made me uncomfortable, and thinking about or looking at photos of real penises didn't really do anything for me either. Back then, I thought that, maybe if I actually saw a penis in person, maybe I would feel different, but as time goes on I doubt that more and more.

 

I've found that sex scenes on TV actually make me incredibly uncomfortable too (not even watching them next to someone else), and to a lesser degree seeing people (passionately) kiss as well.

 

Anyways, the thing that changed my perception of asexuality and made me realize that I could maybe identify with it was BoJack Horseman. The first time watching Todd's story arc opened my eyes to the possibility that I could actually be asexual. At the time, though, while it made me curious and made me question myself a little, it didn't actually lead to anything substantial. I mean, from that point onwards, it was always kinda in the back of my head, but I still didn't fully understand what it was and I never got further than occasionally going "maybe I really am asexual". To be honest, it also didn't really seem to matter back then since I was already okay with being a "non-practicing homosexual"...

 

Then I rewatched all of BoJack, and that time I got even more curious, started reading more about asexuality and found this network. The more I read about it, the more it opened my eyes, the more I identified with it and the more excited I got about it.

 

And that's where we are now.

 

At this point I feel the need to say that, I'm not trying to justify my asexuality neither to anyone else nor to myself here. I never actually felt comfortable enough to come out as gay to my friends and family, but as an asexual, I actually might.

 

You know, I've come to terms with possibly being single forever a long time ago. Sometimes, though, I get sad that I might never be able to experience love and that I might end up alone and lonely.
Learning about the asexual community and about "romantic orientation" really gave me hope, however, that maybe it'll all turn out differently than I thought and that I can maybe connect with someone without having to stress about sex.

 

I think I might be homoromantic (or even biromantic), I'm not really sure, I'm still figuring stuff out. As I said, for now I'm content with being alone, but sometimes I think that maybe it would be nice to have someone to embrace and wake up next to.

 

Anyways, at the end of the day, I'm not 100% sure whether I really fit the definition of asexuality or whether I'm in reality demisexual and just don't know it yet or whether all of this might change in the future, but what I know for sure is that, right now, calling myself asexual just feels right, makes me happy and gives me a deep sense of relief.

 

Most importantly, though, it makes me feel normal and not alone. <3

 

(Lastly I just want to say, that I find the tradition of posting cakes just adorable and really heartwarming.)
 

[Chamomile_Serenity]

Welcome and glad you decided to share!  Because you were courageous, here's a slice of cake for you 🍰 

[Guest Falco Peregrinus]

Welcome welcome welcome!!!

 

I'm so happy for you, that you were able to come this far! I'm glad you decided to post here, AVEN is so amazing!

 

Here's some

 CAKE 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø]

@Xrott Hello! Welcome to heAVEN! Have a slice of ! In fact, take as much as you want! You deserve it, good sir! 

 

What a journey. You know what, not only am I giving you an infinite abundance of 🍰, I want to share with you something I've learnt. It relates well to your journey (to anyone's journey, really):

"One's past is simply the evolutionary story which has led them to where they are today."

-This came to my mind, along with many others, and I thought I'd share it with you.

 

In Future Dreams,

The Angel of Eternity

[Lichley]

 Welcome! Libido is sexual desire, and not sexual attraction, so having a libido and non-sexual fetishes is completely natural. If you need any help figuring things out feel free to ask  

[NickyTannock]

@Xrott Welcome to AVEN!

 

[Xrott]

On 7/13/2018 at 7:15 AM, The Angel of Eternity said:

"One's past is simply the evolutionary story which has led them to where they are today."

-This came to my mind, along with many others, and I thought I'd share it with you.

I like that. That very much falls in line with my own belief that a person is the sum of their past experiences.

 

On 7/13/2018 at 8:15 AM, Lichley said:

Welcome! Libido is sexual desire, and not sexual attraction, so having a libido and non-sexual fetishes is completely natural. If you need any help figuring things out feel free to ask

Yeah, I realize that now, but back then I just didn't know any better.

 

It's still kinda confusing feeling some kind of attraction towards other men, though, especially since I don't really know what actual sexual attraction feels like.

 

I mean, I kinda like looking at penises... maybe. At least drawn ones... But I don't actually like penises or at least don't want to engage with another one, you know?

Or maybe the reason I like looking at artwork with them is because I have one myself and can thus better connect with it? I just don't know.

 

But as I said, identifying myself as asexual has given me great relief. I never quite realized how much the thought of sex was stressing me out until I felt this weight coming off my shoulders as I discovered that I really don't ever have to think about or have and sex if I don't want to.

[J. van Deijck]

hello! *waves* welcome to AVEN :3

 

btw you're right. male bodies are aesthetically attractive ❤️ :3

[Homer]

Hi and welcome

 

Thanks for signing up and sharing your story! I hope that writing it all down is a step on your way to come to peace with everything you have found out about yourself.

 

AVEN is a great place full of friendly and supportive people - a lot of us will be able to relate to your thoughts and feelings. You're definitely not alone! Feel free to roam and explore and if you have a question, don't hesitate to ask. I hope you'll enjoy being a part of AVEN Have some cake:

 

[Goonie]

welcome!  I'm glad you were able to find label that fits well and makes you feel at happy. Even if you don't stay long, or post much, or mostly just lurk, AVEN is a great place to learn more about yourself if you are wanting to.

[Karst]

Welcome! It's nice to meet you.

 

[JMichael]

Welcome! Hope you find some great connections and conversations here.

 

[Joe Guzman]

As another newbie, let me say "welcome to AVEN!" My backstory is very different than yours, but I understand much of what you feel, especially about finding a place to declare yourself openly. Your story is intriguing and it's far from over. Good luck!