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jadex23

How did you find out you were asexual? Did you accepted it?

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jadex23

I'm in a strange phase of my life, I just realized I've never had sexual attraction, even tho I had a lot of crushes and I thought I wanted sex, everytime I thought about having sex when my crushes were in front of me... I just didn't feel anything. I just realized a few days ago what an asexual is, and I kind of recognize myself in it. My sister thinks I am, many members of this fantastic forums told me that based on my story I look asexual as well. I'd like to hear your stories, so I can compare mine to yours!

How did you find out you were asexual/homosexual/bisexual/pansexual? Did your friends knew? Did you accepted it? Just let me know.

 

- Love you all ❤

 

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” East is up, I’m fearless when I hear this on the low, East is up, I’m careless when I wear my rebel clothes, East is up, When Bishops come together they will know that, Dema don’t control us, Dema don’t control, East is up. ”

 

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RK800

When I was 16 I believed I was 100% asexual and accepted it with ease. Found the term, and AVEN, via a google search.

As a 20 year-old I now know this isn't the case, and it's been far more difficult to accept being pan for many reasons, even harder to accept being attracted on some level to tech. When I first experienced sexual attraction I was deeply uncomfortable, and felt like part of my identity had been stripped from me, I also repressed the feelings for a while because I felt sinful for them. But I've come to accept what I am over the past few months, it's just taken time.

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FIick

Hello again! (I lurk on this website late at night, probably why I keep showing up). I  found out I was asexual when members of my class (at 16, I'm 18 now) were talking about their various exploits, favourite methods of masturbation. And I just couldn't relate. I didn't understand, I didn't get it, and It all just made me feel weird in a bad way. When i said I hadn't done anything of the sort, there were two responses. That I was a liar, and that I secretly did do that stuff and enjoy porn, or that I was a freak and eventually I would be normal and start doing it like everyone else. Basically everyone thought I was lying or a late bloomer. Then one person, a kind panromantic grey-ace suggested I might be asexual. And i looked it up and it fit

 

And then I proceeded to deny it for two years because I was a teenage girl, you don't get to be asexual in that kind of environment without being completely ostracised. At least you don't in my school. Eventually I came to terms with it about half a year ago, and I came out to my brother (He is my rock, he completely gets it and couldn't be a better ally), my friends (one of them thinks i'm a bit broken but tries to understand, one of them is completely indifferent and is totally fine with it even if she doesn't get it, and the third is completely accepting and lovely). I also came out to my dad, who doesn't get it, he doesn't understand because he is very allo, and was raised in a different time, but he accepts me. I haven't told my mom or my second brother, I made my dad keep it secret. 

 

Overall, the person who found it hardest to accept my sexuality was myself, not the people around me. And anyone who has struggled, has sort of come to accept it.

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MichaelTannock

@jadex23 Before my teens, I think I'd seen a couple interviews with Asexuals, but it wasn't until my early teens that it hit me.
The realisation came when I started hearing comments like "This girl has nice tits" or "That girl has a nice ass" from my peers and in media, and was always left bewildered by them.
It didn't take long for me to see that others were experiencing an attraction that I wasn't capable of, and I knew I wasn't gay because I didn't feel an attraction towards the same gender either.
I accepted it because I didn't feel I had any choice in the matter, but I kept it to myself for a long time.

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TheLoveOwl

I just never felt any sexual attraction for anyone. I ended up googling a list of orientations when I was questioning and had originally thought that being asexual was the same as being aromantic...obviously it's not. So I didn't identify with it until about a year later when I learned that it was actually about not feeling sexual attraction.

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ElisaWalker

I found out a year or so after my first boyfriend. I loved him dearly yet didn't want to have sex with him, even though whenever I was with him I felt good. We even tried out a few sexual things, but I never felt the urge to do them again, I just went along with what he wanted because I thought "this is what is normal" and "he knows what he's doing, I don't". Yet, I never felt any desire to actually do these things with him. I think it was one of the reasons we broke up. Since we broke up, I'd been confused as to why I wasn't feeling lust for him the way he would for me, but just assumed it was because I was too young. It was worse in my next two very brief relationships where I wouldn't even want to kiss them. When I realised my friends were comfortable in sexual relationships, I realised I was almost definitely old enough to be affected by that biology and so started Googling about my low desires. I found asexuality somewhere on the web and the title fit quite comfortably.

 

I've not told my family. We don't really have a close relationship like that. Most of my friends are supportive, but some of them are a bit close-minded or don't understand it fully, questioning how it works, like "how can you be asexual if you have a crush on that guy? How do relationships work?"and then not accepting the answers. But I don't care what they think.

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jadex23
34 minutes ago, Flickering said:

Hello again! (I lurk on this website late at night, probably why I keep showing up). I  found out I was asexual when members of my class (at 16, I'm 18 now) were talking about their various exploits, favourite methods of masturbation. And I just couldn't relate. I didn't understand, I didn't get it, and It all just made me feel weird in a bad way. When i said I hadn't done anything of the sort, there were two responses. That I was a liar, and that I secretly did do that stuff and enjoy porn, or that I was a freak and eventually I would be normal and start doing it like everyone else. Basically everyone thought I was lying or a late bloomer. Then one person, a kind panromantic grey-ace suggested I might be asexual. And i looked it up and it fit

 

And then I proceeded to deny it for two years because I was a teenage girl, you don't get to be asexual in that kind of environment without being completely ostracised. At least you don't in my school. Eventually I came to terms with it about half a year ago, and I came out to my brother (He is my rock, he completely gets it and couldn't be a better ally), my friends (one of them thinks i'm a bit broken but tries to understand, one of them is completely indifferent and is totally fine with it even if she doesn't get it, and the third is completely accepting and lovely). I also came out to my dad, who doesn't get it, he doesn't understand because he is very allo, and was raised in a different time, but he accepts me. I haven't told my mom or my second brother, I made my dad keep it secret. 

 

Overall, the person who found it hardest to accept my sexuality was myself, not the people around me. And anyone who has struggled, has sort of come to accept it.

The last thing you said is very important. Most of the time, when we don't accept ourselves, people around us do the same. It is the same for me when it comes to accepting myself and every part of it. You know why I find it hard to realize that I'm asexual? Because society makes us think the only way to be happy is following the standard where you're happy if you're married with a great family. It's wrong. Happiness depends on us, only on us. And being aware of ourselves allows us to make plans for the future based on what we are. If now I know I'm asexual, I can act consequently and follow plans that satisfy me. You know what I mean? I'm still questioning myself but... anyways... I guess I'm asexual considering all.

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FIick
1 minute ago, jadex23 said:

You know why I find it hard to realize that I'm asexual? Because society makes us think the only way to be happy is following the standard where you're happy if you're married with a great family. It's wrong. Happiness depends on us, only on us

And that's the gospel truth. Whatever conclusion you come to, at least you know you're one step closer to finding out who you are. And if you are ace, then the strength in knowing who you are will be the most powerful weapon in your armory ❤️

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Anthracite_Impreza

I discovered literally by accident after having people take the piss that I was asexual (like an amoeba). Googled it, boom, there it was. I accepted it after a brief period of teenage angst as to whether I could trust my brain to know things.

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Nancy Esther

I found out recently, probably within the last couple of years. I always thought I was lesbian to be honest and for a long time, that's how I identified. I prefer women (partner wise) over men, although, I'm not opposed to men. I then started to think I was bi and that's what my friends told me. One thing I always found, the idea of sex was never part of the picture for me, at least not as a pleasurable act for myself. My friends would say things like, "I'd tap that" and I found myself not being able to relate. I've seen plenty of men and women who I thought were "eye candy" but I never thought of having sex with them and if someone mentioned it, I wasn't grossed out but I just couldn't see why their sex ability or lack thereof would be a part of why I would want to have a relationship with them. I know that I've probably been ace all my life. In fact, for the longest time I thought I was lesbian and it scared me because my parents hate anyone who is gay (Christians who believe gays are going to hell). I remember feeling relief at first but then I realized that I'm not opposed to my life partner being a woman. My parents wouldn't be able to wrap their heads around the fact that I'm not sexually attracted to her and possibly not even sleeping with her, it could be a QPR, even. They would just assume I was gay. Either way, they won't accept me. So to me, it doesn't matter. I'm just going to own who I am and live my life. And yes, I've accepted my sexuality, I suppose  I just figure it's to me like my eyes which are brown that can't be changed without extreme pain, discomfort, or other unnecessary effort. It's just who I am and I'm here to embrace it.

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utca

This turned out a LOT longer than I had planned. It’s a bit of a read, sorry.

 

For me, it was very gradual and it took many years to really notice, and probably another year or two to get to acceptance.

I think the earliest memory I have where I can pinpoint awareness beginning is when I was 14 or 15. I have a distinct memory of hanging out with my friends and one of my older friends with a boyfriend kept poking me. I told her to stop and that I hated being touched. Her response? "Well, guys love to touch their girlfriends so if you want a boyfriend you better get used to it."

 

I didn’t argue with her, but I remember thinking that I would just have to find a boyfriend who didn’t want to touch me. At the time, I was only thinking of hugging. Sex was not on my radar at all. But for a long time, I have understood on a gut level that I did not want any kind of romantic touches.

 

I had had a few crushes in grade school. But looking back on it, I didn’t really want to do anything with them. I liked them. I enjoyed looking at their faces. I felt tingles when I thought about them. But I didn’t picture going on dates or kissing or anything. I just thought they were nice/handsome/funny and I felt something.

 

At one point I started to understand that other people thought about sex a lot more than I did. Senior year in high school, I happened to overhear a classmate saying that she hadn’t gotten laid in a few weeks and she was going crazy. I was completely shocked. Even though I knew my older friend with a boyfriend was sexually active, it had not occurred to me at all that people I knew who were my age were having sex. I simply didn’t think about it.

 

Similarly, on a NSFW theme day on tumblr, a person I follow mentioned that she masturbated several times a week. That confused me as well. I never felt any desire to masturbate and although I gave it a few tries, I hadn’t done it in years. I knew people masturbated, but I had never realized before that it was something people do regularly. I really don’t feel any drive to engage in any sexual behaviors. I consider those two more strong signs pointing to asexuality, although at the time I didn’t think I was asexual. I didn’t even think my feelings were odd. I was saving sex for marriage! Of course I wasn’t going to have sex! There was nothing strange about me! (Insert Edna Kraboppel-style HA!)

 

Around that time, I also started reading fanfiction. I read a lot of NSFW fanfics, and I would get bored if there were too many sex scenes. I didn’t mind the first one or two because those scenes were usually emotionally-laden, but once there were more than one or two I would start skipping them because I found it boring to read what felt like the same thing happening over and over again. It’s another sign of my fundamental disinterest in sex. Again, though, I didn’t think it was odd at the time. Anyone would get bored reading the same scene over and over again, right?

 

At some point when I entered college, I heard a few things about asexuality on tumblr. I had heard of AVEN, but didn’t poke around the site. The resource I looked at described asexuality as not having ever had a crush. I had had crushes before, so I didn’t think anything of it. I didn’t explore any more resources, since I did not make any connections with myself. My friends and I never discussed sex amongst us, so I had no measuring stick for what normalcy was. I didn’t think of myself as different at all until midway through college. For so long, I thought I was saving sex for marriage so I wasn’t worried in the slightest about the fact that I was not having sex.

 

Then, I got hooked on advice columns. Naturally, there were occasionally letters from a person who had been cheated on, or who had cheated due to one of the couple not wanting sex. I had an intense reaction to these letters. I felt wounded and angry reading about the cheating. The columns had comment sections, and I was shocked by the number of people who would blast the partner who got cheated on. What a terrible spouse they were for not having sex. That they deserved to be cheated on for being selfish enough to not have sex. How they themselves would absolutely leave their spouse if their spouse no longer wanted sex.

 

These letters confused me deeply. I felt fine and I had never had sex in my life. So why were they getting so worked up about this? What was wrong with them? How could they consider sex so important that they would blow up their marriages? I felt disgusted that they would prioritize getting laid over their vows. I understand now that for many people, sex is an important aspect of love and sexual rejection can be as painful as any other kind of rejection. I was being unfair to them, but at the time I did not appreciate this.

 

That anger confused me for a while. I didn’t know why I reacted so strongly. For the first time in my life, I started thinking about sex, the frequency I desired sex, and what role sex would play if I ever entered a relationship. It was quickly apparent that the answer for me is “none”. I was one of those awful people who did not want to have sex ever. They were talking about me. That was why it hurt so much.

 

I was devastated when I finally made the connection. But I still did not think of myself as asexual. I was in fierce denial for some time. I wanted to be normal, not to be someone who would never be loved or valued (as my advice column comment exploring had hammered home). But even picturing having sex with someone made me feel ill. I thought about whether I had ever been sexually attracted to someone and the answer was no. I have never felt any inkling that I would like to have sex with someone. I still don’t.

 

There came a tipping point where I had to accept that my feelings about sex were not normal. There was too much evidence to ignore. I finally read through the FAQ on AVEN and connected so many dots. I was deeply unhappy about it, and disgusted with myself, but I couldn’t deny it forever. I identify as asexual now, but it was a long process. It took me ten years.

 

I have told only my two closest friends, and I don’t plan on telling anyone else. My self-loathing has improved quite a bit, but it’s not gone. I’m still ashamed. I don’t want anyone I know to know about this. I was only able to tell those two friends because I had seen them express acceptance of asexual people before, and the first time I said it out loud to someone else I could only stomach telling her over the phone. They were accepting of me, so it is nice to have some people in my corner. But it makes my skin crawl to think of anyone else knowing this about me.

 

That about wraps up everything I can think of that led me to realizing I was asexual. I hope it helps.

Edited by utca
Edited to fix that awful spacing.
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Zefron

Lol I found out through this one YouTube video and the ace inside joke of cake! :cake:   It was the most surprising and "Ah Ha!" moment of my life. 

 

      I'm 22 and didn't figure out I was asexual biromantic until literally last month (on the first day of pride month ironically!)  There was this video in my YouTube feed that looked interesting and I started watching it.  As the video went on, more and more I was thinking, "weird..... I'm super relating to some of the things people are saying." 

Accepting it:   

     The thought that I was asexual was never even fathomable to me before, even though I had at least 4 ace friends. But to be fair most of my friends were sex repulsed and I'm more sex positive. The YouTube video introduced me to the terms "asexual biromantic and sex positive, " and everything clicked!  It took me the whole night and next day to wrap my head around it. But I had been in this weird, uncertain place for the past 5 years, and the term totally explained all these contradicting situations that had been confusing me. I could finally put words to and understand/explain my feelings to myself and others.

 

And the cake joke solidified everything for me. I was like "OMG that is me!" I would rather eat cake with my bf than have sex with him.  

 

Btw this is the video:  Its not graphic but its probably NSFW just because of the subject. 

 

How (some) Asexuals ...Have Sex 👍🏻 [CC] 

 

Ash Hardell

 

If it helps at all, these are the contradicting situations that put me in the weird, uncertain place, before I found the label asexual biromantic, and sex positive.

 

1. I had crushes on girls, but I didn't think I was bi because I wasn't really into pu**y.

2. I would be subconsciously happy when people would read me as gay and made an effort to dress the part, even though I actually really like dressing fem. 

3. I wasn't that into sex, but my libido was definitely there the whole time.

           (lol at one point I thought it was because of one of my medications, but "reduced sex drive" wasn't even one of the symptoms.)   

3. I was pretty boy crazy as a kid,  (but thinking back on it, it makes sense because kid crushes aren't sexual).  

4. I like crushing on people, flirting and dating, I'm even down to make out with my partner. I enjoyed dating different guys during high school.               (though they never lasted long enough to get sexual, I take dating pretty slow)

5. I was in a 4 year relationship with a guy that I loved. I didn't hate when we did it. I was just meh about it and it kind of felt like a chore, mostly because of how much effort I had to put into pretending I thought he was sexy and that I was into it, and having to fake things so that he didn't feel like he was forcing me or anything. (He was so sweet and considerate about how I felt. He never pressured me, so we really didn't have that much sex, mostly platonic. He's still my best friend). I would have way more fun eating cake with him than having sex.

6. I'm really into smutty fan-fiction, and I can do hentai, but real people porn grosses me out : p

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andreas1033

I think asexuals like us, never go through puberty properly, and thats how i first understood, when i was about 13.

 

Being male, and female are slightly different, but being male certain things were not happening in me, that you should be in puberty.

 

I just always knew, and when i was at school i went to the doctor, wanting to talk about it.

 

If your asexual, certain things in your brain did not happen in puberty. This is how i viewed it when i was in puberty, and i knew i was not changing, into what males normally do.

 

I am glad.

 

This is my view, and i just want to say this, if you have another view on why we are asexuals, thats fine. But i speak for myself, and why i believed i was meant to live as a asexual.

 

At 43 now, i am totally glad i was always this way. There has always been people whom are asexual, and there always will be.

 

Most males are driven by there testicles after puberty in alot of situations, and when your asexual as a male, you just are not. You just know, your not like most males, and thats fine with me. I am glad i have nothing really in common with what males are supposed to be.

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Claire1983

I didn't learn about asexuality until I was 33 and didn't start considering it until I was 34. I knew I wasn't attracted to women so I assumed I was straight.  It never occurred to me that not being attracted to anyone was a possibility so I never considered the idea until I met another ace.  I also had a lot of the usual misconceptions, like I enjoy erotic fanfiction, I masturbate, I have crushes, so I can't be ace.   I was put on Zoloft for anxiety which totally killed my libido, and I realized that it wouldn't really bother me if I never had sex again so I started to read up on asexuality.  A lot of things started to click.  I had a lot of anxiety with trying to determine if I was right about this, but once I did I was pretty quick to accept it.  It also helps that I have some ace friends IRL.  Honestly it was kind of a relief.  I've had terrible luck with relationships and I thought all of it was just my anxiety, so realizing this made me feel a little less screwed up.  It does add and extra layer of difficulty to dating, but you can't work with what you don't know.

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