Taylor Lilith

A few questions for non romance/sex repulsed aspecs

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Taylor Lilith

I learned recently that I am sex and romance favorable so long as the gender I'm in a relationship with isn't female/femme.  The problem I keep running into isn't how often I have sex or the enjoyment level or that my guy has a problem with me being ace.  The problem I have is sex is unimportant to me .... as is romantic things like hand holding and kissing ... they're cool.  I enjoy them.  I'll make out if you want.  I'll hold hands if you want.  I look kick ass in a school girl outfit.  Bend me over a couch. Chain me to your bed post.  WHATEVER you want. All these things are fine.  There are words for people like me, true submissive, turbo bottom etc.  I just forget that it is important to my partner. 

 

My partner and I already had "The Ace Sex Talk" where I told him I was ace ( something he knew before we started dating ) so my "disinterest" in sex had nothing to do with how good he was, it doesn't mean that I'm angry, or punishing him or anything.  I just forget because my relationship with him doesn't hinge on romantic or sexual feels.  My ability to feel those hinges on him showing that arousal to me.    I just feel unavoidably like a huge jerk when I have to set reminders on my phone that basically say, "Your dude's a sexual being, go have sex with him.".   

 

The need to set reminders for things like holding hands makes me feel like a bad girlfriend.

 

So my question is, how do you phrase, "Sex and romance are unimportant to me but I know they are to you.  You are important to me and I want you to have the things that are important to you.  Sex is fine all the romantic stuff is fine there is just a 100% likelihood this will slip my mind.   I guarantee you I will forget what is important to you, please remind me because I will forget."  and not sound like an a**hole?  He was totally cool about it and kept assuring me that it was okay that I was ace/aro so the person making me feel like an a** is me but is there a way to not feel like it when you have "The Ace Sex/Aro romance talk"?

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Salmiakki
1 hour ago, Taylor Lilith said:

Bend me over a couch. Chain me to your bed post. 

yeah I wouldn't mind that either... at all

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Dawning

Part of being in a relationship with someone is remembering what's important to them, sexual or otherwise, so, yeah, you kind of do need to keep track. Although, since he's the one who wants it, he does bear a little bit of responsibility here too! If you're willing to go along with it when he's in the mood, by all means encourage him to initiate whenever he feels like it. And then, if necessary, do set a reminder on your calendar to initiate with him every so often. This doesn't make you a bad girlfriend! What makes for a bad relationship partner is someone who doesn't make any effort to remember what their partner needs to be happy. You can't control your memory, but you can control your calendar; as long as you put the important stuff on there, you've done your best, which is all that any reasonable person can ever ask of you.

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Telecaster68
On 7/12/2018 at 9:28 PM, Taylor Lilith said:

ow do you phrase, "Sex and romance are unimportant to me but I know they are to you.  You are important to me and I want you to have the things that are important to you.  Sex is fine all the romantic stuff is fine there is just a 100% likelihood this will slip my mind.   I guarantee you I will forget what is important to you, please remind me because I will forget."  and not sound like an a**hole? 

Speaking as a sexual male, phrasing it pretty much like that (plus acting on the reminders etc) would be fine and entirely non-assholish. I'd appreciate the effort you were making, a lot.

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