Jayyou Posted July 12, 2018 Share Posted July 12, 2018 Hi, this is my second post! I'm 25 and have been coming to terms with the fact that I am most probably asexual, heteroromantic for awhile now. I still very much want to find a romantic partner, and have switched the orientation on my Okcupid to asexual. But I'm worried about what will happen if I find someone allosexual I want to pursue/ someone pursues me out in the real world? If I get asked out and I'm down, do I say I'm asexual right away? Do I see how it goes first? Is it fair to them if they don't know right off the bat? I'm not opposed to maybe having sex down the line to please my partner, but I wouldn't want them to be under the impression I "wanted" it. Or, should my dating pool really just limited to other aces or people with lower sex drives now? I don't have a romantic interest right now, but I'd rather feel secure that I can approach the situation confidently if/when I do. Very new to this, and guidance appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
Grimalkin Posted July 12, 2018 Share Posted July 12, 2018 Boy, when you figure it out, you tell me. I've personally decided from now on that when I'm interested in more with a guy, I'll just warn him way the hell ahead of time. I'm talking first date. Maybe before a first date. Just lay it all out. My backup plan is to own forty cats and live in the woods somewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Jayyou Posted July 12, 2018 Author Share Posted July 12, 2018 Hey, that's my backup plan too! Have you had an experience where you've told them and the guy is like "You don't say? Oops, nevermind all this."? That kind of moment is what I'm fearing at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
ElleNo12 Posted July 12, 2018 Share Posted July 12, 2018 I also have no idea. But, personally, I think when I date allosexuals I'm just going to say I'm asexual when they show an interest in sex in the near future and see how it goes from there. Hopefully, they'd have gotten to know me a little by then and would stick around anyway. I don't see a need to explain it right off the bat, but boundaries should be places at some point. Let them know that in the future, you're willing to partake for their pleasure, but at the moment it's a big N-O, and there aren't any certainties on the future hanky-panky either. Really, though, I have no idea. Just do whatever feels comfortable and safe for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Talgo Posted July 12, 2018 Share Posted July 12, 2018 There are Asexual dating sites They all seem to suck, but they are a good start. There is also a dating app, but it basically sux too. There is a Meetup mart on these forums too, so you can see if your local community is active. Mine isn't You can check out Meetup.com and see if there is an asexual meetup in your area. One just started in my area. You can try dating sexuals. I feel like there is a good chance you won't like the person anyways, so I usually meet up a couple times, try to get a feel if it's going anywhere, and _then_ tell them I am Asexual. Though, if you lay it out at the beginning, you might be able to weed out some of the guys that have sex as their only interest. There is also a PM thread in the Relationship section, but I'm not sure if that has ever worked for anyone/ever Link to post Share on other sites
Jayyou Posted July 12, 2018 Author Share Posted July 12, 2018 35 minutes ago, Talgo said: There are Asexual dating sites They all seem to suck, but they are a good start. There is also a dating app, but it basically sux too. There is a Meetup mart on these forums too, so you can see if your local community is active. Mine isn't You can check out Meetup.com and see if there is an asexual meetup in your area. One just started in my area. You can try dating sexuals. I feel like there is a good chance you won't like the person anyways, so I usually meet up a couple times, try to get a feel if it's going anywhere, and _then_ tell them I am Asexual. Though, if you lay it out at the beginning, you might be able to weed out some of the guys that have sex as their only interest. There is also a PM thread in the Relationship section, but I'm not sure if that has ever worked for anyone/ever Hi! I did check that out, but most of them looked kind of sketchy? I doubt my area has a meetup, small town. Do you mind me asking what kind of reactions you've gotten telling people after a couple of dates? A Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Talgo Posted July 12, 2018 Share Posted July 12, 2018 5 minutes ago, Jayyou said: Do you mind me asking what kind of reactions you've gotten telling people after a couple of dates? Well, like everything in life, that's complicated... My last GF I met through friends in a non-dating way. A bunch of us were together and I mentioned I wanted to go see a certain movie and she mentioned she wanted to too. I later decided I should look up the showtimes and she again mentioned she wanted to go so I was like "well did you want to see it with me...?". She did. So then we met up for food before the movie but I still wasn't certain this was a date. But after she asked if we could go for coffee sometime and that time I she started asking about life things (religion, kids, etc) and that's when I decided I should tell her. Basically she said she knew what it was and at one point thought she was asexual but just had a low sex drive. So 1/1 it wasn't a big deal. We recently broke up so I haven't tried since lol Link to post Share on other sites
Bronztrooper Posted July 13, 2018 Share Posted July 13, 2018 The only relationship I've been in was before I realized that I was ace, so I don't really have a solid answer about what works, but in terms of hypotheticals, I would probably let them know right off the bat if it was clear that there was romantic interest involved. Problem is, being a guy, I feel like things will be easier for me in that scenario than they would be for you, generally speaking. But then, there's the whole thing about 'guys should be the initiators' which can screw things up as well, so idk if that balances things out? 8 hours ago, Jayyou said: Have you had an experience where you've told them and the guy is like "You don't say? Oops, nevermind all this."? That kind of moment is what I'm fearing at this point. In all fairness, anyone who responds that way is probably not worth your time anyway. But then, you'll probably also have to worry about the old 'you just haven't had good sex' line (or anything similar). 🙄 Link to post Share on other sites
Nidwin Posted July 13, 2018 Share Posted July 13, 2018 It's not easier as an ace male. I've ran and still run into plenty of girls/women who don't give a damn about me being ace while often knowing about it before going out. I don't date, except if I run into an ace women and that's it for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Lara Black Posted July 13, 2018 Share Posted July 13, 2018 Hello, @Jayyou As a sexual, I’d say that starting to date sexuals without disclosing your orientation is very close to deceiving. And disclosing your orientation right away would most probably end the dating process. So, in general, I don’t recommend the dating scene for creating a mixed-sexuality couple – ace’s chances are slim. However, I don’t think that aces are limited to their 1% (roughly) of the pool – I just think that it’s better to meet your significant other through work, hobbies, friends etc. Then, starting as friends or workmates, you don’t need to come out immediately – you can help The Person see your best sides and get to like you, before you come out. Seems to me, it’s much more fair than withholding this information when purposefully dating. Link to post Share on other sites
Bronztrooper Posted July 14, 2018 Share Posted July 14, 2018 18 hours ago, Nidwin said: It's not easier as an ace male. I've ran and still run into plenty of girls/women who don't give a damn about me being ace while often knowing about it before going out. I don't date, except if I run into an ace women and that's it for me. Well, in all fairness, men generally don't have to worry about being forced to have sex (at the very least, not in the same capacity as women, which doesn't stop just because they're in a relationship) despite the whole thing about how men are supposed to 'always want sex'. So, in that aspect, it probably is easier on men since the worst that can happen is thing that can happen is that the potential partner says something invalidating that makes it rather clear that they wouldn't really be worth your time to begin with. Women have to worry about much worse (which, really, they shouldn't, but there's a lot of messed up stuff that regularly happens that shouldn't so it's not exactly surprising). Link to post Share on other sites
Gillifish Posted July 14, 2018 Share Posted July 14, 2018 I understand where you are coming from. I don’t want to deceive anyone, but I feel awkward mentioning it on a first date, I don’t usually know these people before I go out with them. Plus most of the time it doesn’t go past the first date so why make myself uncomfortable? My my current plan is 2nd to 3rd date. Or find an ace dating site. Link to post Share on other sites
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