What does gender feel like?

[purpleandgreylife]

I don't mean to offend anyone; this is a question I have been wondering about for years. Unfortunately, I never had a chance to have a conversation about it the way I would like to. I felt comfortable enough to ask this question to my sister who gave me her input, but I was still curious.

What does gender feel like? How is "femaleness" supposed to feel? What about "masculinity?" It always seems weird to me talk about gender being in or out of alignment with a feeling of right or wrongness. What, specifically feels wrong? What is supposed to feel right?

 

I hope I'm not out of line for asking it here. I really don't mean to offend, this is just the best way I could think to phrase this question. Any and all perspectives are welcomed.

[RakshaTheCat]

I've been always wondering that myself. I always thought about gender as just another random trait, kind of like hair color. Sure, society can make big deal out of it (kind of like sometimes ginger people end up being discriminated), but this is issue with society, not with our gender.

[Ldlelee]

For me, I usually feel like a combination of masculine and feminine, or I forget about gender completely. Other times, either-or reaches up and takes control; it often feels like it attacks me. If I want to appear male (which is usually the case), I'll wear looser clothing, try to bind my chest a bit, and minimize my makeup. If I feel comfortable appearing female, I'll wear a dress or a skirt and do a full-face. It usually lasts for a week, and then I go back to the neutral standpoint.

 

I don't know how to describe it, honestly. It feels more like a metaphysical force that manipulates me than a part of who I am. : P

[Guest Talgo]

I relate to other dudes and understand male things (IE:Gender roles). Like, last night a female friend asked me to come over and hang a shelf for her BF's birthday (he has a bunch of action figures and she wanted to put them in his space like a man cave). She just assumed I would know how to hang a shelf (I didn't, but I figured it out). 

 

I like sports (more playing than watching), I like outdoor activities, I drink beer, etc. 

 

I met someone very recently that considers themselves genderfluid. The notion is foreign to me and before this point, I had only heard it from the younger generations (I'm 33), but this "guy" (sorry) was in his 40's. He tried to explain it to me that he didn't feel like he related to a gender. His clothing choices, activities, friends, etc... related more to personal choices than to predisposition. He told me he didn't care for sports, or hunting, or anything else that people might consider "manly". I'm not sure that I completely understood what he meant, but I understood the gist  (and I don't need to understand to accept)

 

Also, I never asked him what pronouns he would prefer, so I'm sorry if people find it insulting that I used he/him/his/etc

[Grimalkin]

I'll be honest, I have absolutely no idea.

 

It's one aspect of being a modern, foward-thinking individual that my brain refuses to grasp. I always get it confused with biological sex. Like, I have no dysphoria, and I was born female, so... I just am? Everything on top just feels like societal constructs.

 

It's why- and I don't mean to demean anybody, I'm sorry- I legitimately do not understand genderqueer or genderfluid or the like. Some days I want to do stereotypically masculine things, or dress more like a man, or whatever, so... I just do? I'm just a cis person, doing things that go against the grain of society, and who really gives a damn?

 

It's even hard for me to explain my reasoning because I'm so confused by it. It feels like people are confusing gender with interests and stereotypes. I understand that it's important for trans people to delve into the interests and stereotypes of the sex they want to be, I understand how that could soothe the dysphoria. I understand wanting to be a different sex than the one you are born as. But I don't understand being comfortable in your male or female body, and then saying you "feel" more masculine one day or don't feel like either gender. Isn't that just being a person with diverse style and interests?

 

I'm trying, guys.

[no-longer-in-use]

1 hour ago, purpleandgreylife said:

What does gender feel like? How is "femaleness" supposed to feel? What about "masculinity?" It always seems weird to me talk about gender being in or out of alignment with a feeling of right or wrongness. What, specifically feels wrong? What is supposed to feel right?

 

I don't really feel a super strong sense of gender, but I still feel female enough that I identify as such because I haven't really found another label that fits better. For me, I feel female because people calling me a girl and she feels like me; it feels like the word "girl" defines an aspect of myself, and the word "boy" is just not accurate. I don't feel a connection to it at all, whereas I do feel a connection to the word "girl". The word they also feels like it's an aspect of myself, because it sounds like me, it sounds like it's describing me. It's kind of hard to explain. The best (and most annoying) way to put it is, if you feel gender, you know you feel it.

[RK800]

It's definitely a feeling, or a combination of feelings and I wish I was better with words so I could describe it.

The easiest thing for me to say is that you just sort of know it when you feel it.

[Just Somebody]

I still believe gender identity is a connection to words or to the groups/boxes behind these words.

[RakshaTheCat]

Sadly, switching biological gender is hard, so we cant easily try opposite one and see for ourselves, but I'm guessing it wouldn't feel much different for me. I would look a bit nicer (I do prefer aesthetics of female type bodies), some gender specific issues might be different, but that's it.

[MiraMeyneth]

This is a question I honestly can't answer for myself. I generally tend to look quite androgynous minus my long hair. But even though I'm biologically female, I HAAAATE feminine clothing (skirts, etc), when people seem to treat certain topics as exclusively female or male I just can't understand why, and on days when the damn menses hit I feel almost dysphoric towards my "female"  organs. Can't wait for the day I can either get rid of my uterus or donate it to science, or even sell it for some cold, hard cash I can use to buy more cats.

 

I guess I just don't feel connected to either being female or male? I don't connect certain topics as being exclusive to either gender either. I guess for me it would be lack of gender? I don't mind what people call me pronouns-wise, but when people start assuming I like feminine topics just because I was born biologically female, that's when I usually get annoyed.

 

E.G: Because I'm born female, everybody assumes I like kids. This is highly incorrect. The thought of pregnancy is honestly terrifying for me, and I can't stand children. Tiny little demons that scream, drain your sanity, bank account, and destroy your body in the process. If I were to raise a kid, I would be highly resentful and ultimately scar the kid for life. Best to just not go that route and remain childfree. 

[Janus the Fox]

I isn't a feeling exactly like feeling emotions, research suggests, but a set of mental states maybe.  I may never know as this personal statement my reflect my own non-binary Agenderisms.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

As an agender I haven't got the foggiest, I just know I don't feel right being referred to by any gendered means. Trying to associate with "female", because that's what I was assigned at birth, just made me miserable, but aside from the brief novelty of getting misgendered male I don't feel right with that either.

[K.I.N.G]

It’s different for everyone but for me personally I do feel gender very strongly sometimes and the best way I can describe it as is a sense. Not like feeling an emotion at all but more like feeling thirsty for instance if that makes sense - like it’s both a mental and physical feeling not just and emotional one. This probably won’t make a lot of sense but when I’m not feeling a gender strongly it’s like I have to reach to the back of my throat mentally to feel that gender. 

 

When I was trying to figure out my gender I asked the very same thing and really didn’t come up with much and really tbh when I’m more agender the whole thing with being a gender can be a little weird because when I’m like that it just doesn’t really enter the picture.

[RakshaTheCat]

Hmm, wonder if me being furry would be good analogy. Because if I could pick, I would look kinda like her:

This would be something I could definitely identify with. But... hmm... putting my gender as 'female anthro cat' everywhere would be extremely impractical, since there is no way I could make myself look like one... Guess the most practical thing is to just stick with my biological gender, 'creepy dude', because that's exactly how I look like IRL...

 

[Starbogen]

Personally, I don't think that "gender" itself can be boiled down to just a singular "feeling" of being male, female, or a non-binary gender. I've never felt like any gender. I don't "feel" like a man, and I have no idea what that would even be supposed to feel like. When I talked to several cis people about this they've told me similar things about how they also don't feel like a man or a woman and don't know what that would feel like, they just are a man or a woman (because that's what feels right).

 

In my case being my gender assigned at birth felt wrong, and eventually I realized that being male felt the most right so that's what I identify as.. But this "feeling" of right and wrong isn't something so simple that can be translated to "feeling like a man". I think that kind of phrasing is way too oversimplified and just leads to confusion in people who aren't cis but also don't have a very intense connection to gender like say those trans people who have known and vocalized they were trans since they were little kids.

 

What I mean by femaleness feeling wrong and maleness feeling right isn't that I "feel male" because what does male or female even feel like..? It's that the vast majority of things associated with being male feel okay, good, right, comfortable, normal to me while in comparisson the vast majority of things associated with being female feel weird, alien, uncomfortable, disturbing to me. For some people this can be more "socially based" but I've always been an androgynous and gender nonconforming person no matter what gender I was so for me it's more strongly "body based". 

 

That's where body dysphoria comes in.. so when I say I identify as male a lot of it what led me to that conclusion was that when I look at my body and think about it, female attributes just feel wrong to me and always have. I feel like they should not be there and like they make my body look.. mishapen. Meanwhile when I see myself with more male features, mainly when I can change my body shape through clothes, that looks a lot more normal and just makes more sense to me. As a note.. I don't think I have a very strong connection to my gender because my personality is noncomforming and physically I would still prefer to be an androgynous man, but ultimately I know I'd feel more okay with a completely male body than with a completely female body.

 

Of course the social elements of gender can't just be ignored and in that aspect I also feel more comfortable with being considered male. So stuff like pronouns and titles.. the male form feels nicer to me than the female form. And basically that's what I think people mean by "feeling" like a gender. It's not really about having some particular feeling of maleness or femaleness like an emotion or something but it's about how things that signify maleness or femaleness or nonbinariness make you feel.

[Guest]

Because I’m majority agender, I tend to have something like Schroedinger’s gender, where if I want to know my gender at a given time I have to ask myself about it, but sometimes my dysphoria will tell me, since it’s somewhat different when I’m leaning masculine as opposed to fully agender, and when I’m leaning feminine I don’t feel it as much.

[Ms. Carolynne]

I don't think one feels like a gender per se.

 

It's something of an identity, a state of being. Perhaps a state of mind.

 

However, there can be feelings stemming from it. I don't feel like a girl, but rather have certain feelings that tie into being a girl (particularly one born male). This of course being the dysphoria towards my masculinity, and the sense that a feminine body and being seen and regarded as a woman is just right for me, and something I desire.

 

Cis folks I would imagine probably don't feel much about their gender. After all, they are comfortable with how they are. In fact, I've seen many cis people say they don't feel anything in terms of gender, yet also state that they simply are their gender. A cis-male doesn't feel male, and may not have significant feelings in regards to being male. He just is male.

 

As an analogy, what does nationality feel like? I don't feel American, but I am one. I could have feelings related to it though. I might be fine with it, indifferent to it, wish to emigrate, or dissociate from the concept of nationality altogether.

[TheAP]

On 7/12/2018 at 3:46 PM, Grimalkin said:

It's why- and I don't mean to demean anybody, I'm sorry- I legitimately do not understand genderqueer or genderfluid or the like. Some days I want to do stereotypically masculine things, or dress more like a man, or whatever, so... I just do? I'm just a cis person, doing things that go against the grain of society, and who really gives a damn?

  

 It's even hard for me to explain my reasoning because I'm so confused by it. It feels like people are confusing gender with interests and stereotypes. I understand that it's important for trans people to delve into the interests and stereotypes of the sex they want to be, I understand how that could soothe the dysphoria. I understand wanting to be a different sex than the one you are born as. But I don't understand being comfortable in your male or female body, and then saying you "feel" more masculine one day or don't feel like either gender. Isn't that just being a person with diverse style and interests?

Being non-binary isn't based on gender stereotypes any more than being binary trans is. A genderfluid person might one day feel very comfortable in their body and feel like a cis male/female, but another day feel very dysphoric and want to wear a binder, for example, like a trans person. They might present as different genders at different times to lessen the dysphoria.

[Escherichia]

I used to think gender was purely a social construct but then it occurred to me: if that were true, how could trans people exist? There must be something concrete that they feel to make them go through all that trouble, go AGAINST the social construct to the point of even risking their lives in some cases, something much more than just clothing choice and interests. That's also when it occurred to me that I'm probably agender.

 

There are a few examples I think of when I try to define gender. Whenever I go to my Grandma's house for a family gathering at some point the women and men naturally migrate into two different areas. I'll be sitting with the women and they're all talking about China patterns or maybe wedding plans and it feels very feminine but not because of the objects they're talking about. It's more about a desire for things to be beautiful and creating a desirable home/life for others to see and admire. I'm just sitting there with nothing to add because all my choices on that front are about practicality, minimalism, and comfort. (Basically I'm a 37 year old "woman" who owns 3 forks and drinks out of mason jars because they're multi-use.) Then I go to where the men are sitting and they're usually talking work or sports. But again it's not so much about the topic as it is wanting to give their opinion, wanting to be admired, wanting to impress. Every story they tell about work tends to follow the "everyone is an idiot except me" line. The more "masculine" they are, the more that holds true. Again I have nothing to add to the conversation. I like some sports but there's only so many aggressively uninformed hot-takes I can listen to before getting irritated and bored. I think the players and coaches, etc, are all professionals and know what they're doing better than I would so I don't really have opinions to give.

 

There's also a nurturing thing for women. My mom talks about how much she likes doing all the cooking and taking care of the house even though she works too. She gets defensive about it too if you question it. I don't think she's just conforming to expectations of her generation, I believe her when she says it makes her feel good. I don't feel that myself; if I make dinner, you're doing the dishes. I know a lot of women agree with me and not my mom but it's more about the motivation and the feeling behind the act than the act itself, if that makes sense.

 

I was in a long term relationship with a man and got a little more insight into what being a guy is like. He was telling me about some drama going on at work with all the women. I asked him if he missed the days when he worked with all guys and he was like "oh my god no. Working with guys is so much worse. Bunch of a**holes all jockeying for position of alpha-male. They even sabotage each others work." Another time he was watching a You-Tube video of some teenage boys about to do some stupid stunt and he was like "what are they doing?! are they cra--*camera pans out* OH...there's girls over there watching." I questioned him a little about it and he said there's some kind of drive that makes you want to impress girls and you lose all sense of self preservation. I feel like there's a clue to the male gender somewhere in there even if it's hard to articulate, haha.

 

[Epitaph]

Afraid I don't have anything much to articulate on that, although I've never thought of asking what gender feels like before. I don't care about my gender, whatever it may be, so as far as I'm concerned for my personal life, it's non-existent. 

[RakshaTheCat]

2 hours ago, Escherichia said:

 if I make dinner, you're doing the dishes.

Hmm, have you tried just doing both together? It usually is more fun for me to do these things like that, but I'm curious how do other people see it.

 

How do you even survive those gatherings? Sounds like something tedious. Although respect for those observations, they are certainly interesting. Based on them, I would say I'm agender too, since I don't feel connection to either of those groups.

[purpleandgreylife]

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to answer my survey as well as my questions! Your opinions have been very helpful in my understanding of gender, or even just understanding that I'm not the only one with these questions. I appreciate you all!

[purpleandgreylife]

On 7/12/2018 at 2:17 PM, Marcin said:

I've been always wondering that myself. I always thought about gender as just another random trait, kind of like hair color. Sure, society can make big deal out of it (kind of like sometimes ginger people end up being discriminated), but this is issue with society, not with our gender.

@Marcin Thank you for your response! I have been pretty curious about gender ever since I was younger (like middle school, around 11-13 years old) and learned about trans people. Before that, it was something I just didn't think about (along with gender or attraction or dating). Once I started thinking about it, I started asking myself, if people can be born the wrong gender, how do they know? How does the right gender feel? Of course society makes a big deal of most differences, but I've always been really curious on a 'how does that work' kind of level about gender. I didn't really get it.

[purpleandgreylife]

On 7/12/2018 at 2:33 PM, Gareki said:

For me, I usually feel like a combination of masculine and feminine, or I forget about gender completely. Other times, either-or reaches up and takes control; it often feels like it attacks me. If I want to appear male (which is usually the case), I'll wear looser clothing, try to bind my chest a bit, and minimize my makeup. If I feel comfortable appearing female, I'll wear a dress or a skirt and do a full-face. It usually lasts for a week, and then I go back to the neutral standpoint.

 

I don't know how to describe it, honestly. It feels more like a metaphysical force that manipulates me than a part of who I am. : P

@Gareki

 

If you don't mind me asking (if you do I understand) how do you interpret masculine and feminine?

 

In your description you talk about presenting masculine with loose clothes, bound chest and minimal makeup and feminine with skirts and makeup. However, there are many men that wear some makeup, tighter more feminine styled clothes, even some jewelry. Conversely there are many  women who like to wear jeans and t-shirts/button downs, rather than a skirt and don't like makeup.

 

Thank you for sharing your perspective with me.

[purpleandgreylife]

On 7/12/2018 at 2:38 PM, Talgo said:

I relate to other dudes and understand male things (IE:Gender roles). Like, last night a female friend asked me to come over and hang a shelf for her BF's birthday (he has a bunch of action figures and she wanted to put them in his space like a man cave). She just assumed I would know how to hang a shelf (I didn't, but I figured it out). 

 

I like sports (more playing than watching), I like outdoor activities, I drink beer, etc. 

 

I met someone very recently that considers themselves genderfluid. The notion is foreign to me and before this point, I had only heard it from the younger generations (I'm 33), but this "guy" (sorry) was in his 40's. He tried to explain it to me that he didn't feel like he related to a gender. His clothing choices, activities, friends, etc... related more to personal choices than to predisposition. He told me he didn't care for sports, or hunting, or anything else that people might consider "manly". I'm not sure that I completely understood what he meant, but I understood the gist  (and I don't need to understand to accept)

 

Also, I never asked him what pronouns he would prefer, so I'm sorry if people find it insulting that I used he/him/his/etc

@Talgo It's interesting to wonder if whether our likes and dislikes are based on our own unique personalities or a predisposition. I wonder how many people's choices in this area are based on what they think they should like or who other people are pressuring them to be or a deliberate rejection of expectations. This is of course a question that relates more to the way people are socialized. For example, I knew many females who were "tomboys" - playing sports, hating dresses, more "masculine (stereotypical that is)" presentation, etc that embraced their femininity as they got older.  

 

 

[Ldlelee]

10 hours ago, purpleandgreylife said:

@Gareki

 

If you don't mind me asking (if you do I understand) how do you interpret masculine and feminine?

 

In your description you talk about presenting masculine with loose clothes, bound chest and minimal makeup and feminine with skirts and makeup. However, there are many men that wear some makeup, tighter more feminine styled clothes, even some jewelry. Conversely there are many  women who like to wear jeans and t-shirts/button downs, rather than a skirt and don't like makeup.

 

Thank you for sharing your perspective with me.

 

I have a female body. When I'm feeling more masculine, I want to hide the feminine parts of myself by appearing as stereotypically "male" as possible. On the flip side, when I'm feeling more feminine, I want to accentuate those parts, which is why I dress myself up and appear stereotypically "female." There are times when I'll feel masculine and yet I'll still wear a full face of makeup with a skirt, but other days I'm so uncomfortable with my body that the thought of doing that makes me want to die. I hope that makes sense...

[purpleandgreylife]

On 7/16/2018 at 10:48 PM, Gareki said:

I have a female body. When I'm feeling more masculine, I want to hide the feminine parts of myself by appearing as stereotypically "male" as possible. On the flip side, when I'm feeling more feminine, I want to accentuate those parts, which is why I dress myself up and appear stereotypically "female." There are times when I'll feel masculine and yet I'll still wear a full face of makeup with a skirt, but other days I'm so uncomfortable with my body that the thought of doing that makes me want to die. I hope that makes sense...

@Gareki Thank you for your very thorough answer, I appreciate the time you took to reply. You have given me much to consider (continue considering really, I've been thinking about what you said since I first read your reply). I will get back to you when I have thought things over and have better formulated reactions and/or questions.

[ReyGraves]

On 7/12/2018 at 6:11 PM, i-AM-me said:

It’s different for everyone but for me personally I do feel gender very strongly sometimes and the best way I can describe it as is a sense. Not like feeling an emotion at all but more like feeling thirsty for instance if that makes sense - like it’s both a mental and physical feeling not just and emotional one. This probably won’t make a lot of sense but when I’m not feeling a gender strongly it’s like I have to reach to the back of my throat mentally to feel that gender. 

 

When I was trying to figure out my gender I asked the very same thing and really didn’t come up with much and really tbh when I’m more agender the whole thing with being a gender can be a little weird because when I’m like that it just doesn’t really enter the picture.

I agree with this. Sense seems the best way to describe it for me too. 

 

When I’m agender there’s nothing there. But then there’s that sense of maleness sometimes. Other times gender likes to strangle me and basically scream at me “THIS IS YOUR GENDER”. 

 

And boy does that throat thing make so much sense. 

[Zorc]

Gender feels confusing unless you manage to find one or more that you like.

[purpleandgreylife]

On 7/18/2018 at 2:03 PM, purpleandgreylife said:

@Gareki Thank you for your very thorough answer, I appreciate the time you took to reply. You have given me much to consider (continue considering really, I've been thinking about what you said since I first read your reply). I will get back to you when I have thought things over and have better formulated reactions and/or questions.

So, would it be accurate to say that you feel gender somewhere in the middle of what is stereo-typically masculine and feminine on most day, but there are days where you feel a pull more to one extreme or the other (stereo-typically masculine or feminine)?