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How did you know you were gray romantic?


Silentshore

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Silentshore

I’m really confused with my romantic orientation, and, even though I have decided not to use any labels for now, I still wonder a lot trying to understand how I feel.

so, how did you know that you were gray romantic and not just romantic? I mean, how did you know that for you feeling romantic attraction was something uncommon? 

I’m new to a lot of this and I have only felt romantic attraction once (after being pretty sure of being aromantic, so that confused me). Is there a way to differentiate between being gray romantic and just romantic besides long term experience? Maybe I’m not expressing myself in the best of ways, I apologize, but I don’t know how to distinguish the two without waiting a lot to see statistically how often I feel romantically attracted to someone.

thank you fo reading this and wanting to help ❤️

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It's different for everyone, especially since the grey area is a large spectrum. From personal experience, I'm more on the very dark grey area leaning aromantic. I thought that I was aromantic for a long time and have only experienced romantic attraction once in my lifetime thus far. And that had only developed after a very very long time. It also took me a while to figure out if it was romantic attraction or not. So I identify as grey romantic because of how apparently rare it is and under that specific circumstance(s). Not sure how much that helps, but just thought I'd share my own personal experience. Good luck!

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Fluffy Femme Guy

I figured it out (didn't have a word for it though) after my two failed relationships in high school.
 

Most romantic gestures just did nothing, very little, or were just 'okay'. I didn't exactly dislike most of them, but it seemed like there was some sort of feeling I was supposed to have that wasn't there. The whole thing felt incredibly underwhelming and strange. Not bad per say, but it was pointless for me.

I've since figured out I like the IDEA of romance (in fiction, etc.), but actually try to offer it to me IRL and my reaction is a giant 'wut!?!?'

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groovygrievy

My gray-romanticness is that I rarely experience romantic attraction. I am 25 and I can count the number of people I have been romantically attracted to on one hand. I could lose my thumb and my forefinger and I would still be able to count the number of people I have been romantically attracted to on that hand. Two of them were very weak romantic attractions to this day I'm not sure if there was actually attraction or I just they were nice as our interaction was limited. The 3rd one was a strong romantic attraction to this person. You know how regular people go "dating is a lot of fun, you get this warm fuzzy feeling" didn't get that before I met this dude. I had been on a lot of dates at that stage because I thought I should give people a chance - nice people just no attraction - as I didn't know about the world of asexuality then. 

 

So mine is just really, really, really, really rare and it sucks, as so many friends are in long term stable relationships and it just looks really nice and I want that really nice feeling again. 

 

I don't know if this helps you at all. 

 

 

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I had an idea that I was maybe aro-spec since I didn’t generally feel romantic feelings for anybody, but I finally had a more solid understanding of my romantic orientation through dating experience. I went on 4 dates with a guy and never thought about doing anything romantic. I got anxiety about when he would start to want to hug and kiss, which we never did. He didn’t ask me out again because it became clear to him that I wasn’t attracted to him in the same way he was attracted to me. I went on another date with another guy, and he came on a little bit too strong by letting me know he really really liked me and that made me super uncomfortable (although I think most girls would feel a little uncomfortable). But after those dating experiences, I realized that I must not have the same romantic feelings as everybody else. I’d only had those feelings for two people, and it was after I had already gotten to know them and be friends. So I figured demiromantic was the best fit for me.

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  • 8 months later...
dragon_cake

I think I'm gray romantic because I do experience a crush but very rarely. And I don't appreciate that feeling much either

I've only ever felt what I thought was romantic attraction once with a best friend before realizing that being gifted flowers or some accessory out of the blue, holding hands, and several other things just made me want out of the relationship. For some reason, I just really missed the usual friendship or flow we had compared to what I had to deal with after.

The idea of romance or otome games and such seem pretty entertaining but the reality of it makes me detach from the person.

But what counts as romantic codes or not varies for each individual of course.

It also doesn't help that I'm slightly repulsed by kisses (which seems strange even for me since I didn't seem to mind in my elementary days). Hugging is a bit more tolerable even though I'm not a confident hugg-er myself.

I would prefer to enjoy playing games with my partner, sharing food once in a while, and have a emotionally maybe intimate relationship that can be as consistent as possible without worrying about sudden grand gestures for a valentines day or whatever to try to 'win' me over.

I guess being able to fool around with each other, fart without worry, and the comfort of not judging each other (to the point of being comfortable naked together in a jacuzzi or something) would be the ideal for me.

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  • 2 weeks later...
chairdesklamp
On 4/11/2019 at 6:42 PM, dragon_cake said:

I think I'm gray romantic because I do experience a crush but very rarely. And I don't appreciate that feeling much either

I've only ever felt what I thought was romantic attraction once with a best friend before realizing that being gifted flowers or some accessory out of the blue, holding hands, and several other things just made me want out of the relationship. For some reason, I just really missed the usual friendship or flow we had compared to what I had to deal with after.

The idea of romance or otome games and such seem pretty entertaining but the reality of it makes me detach from the person.

But what counts as romantic codes or not varies for each individual of course.

It also doesn't help that I'm slightly repulsed by kisses (which seems strange even for me since I didn't seem to mind in my elementary days). Hugging is a bit more tolerable even though I'm not a confident hugg-er myself.

I would prefer to enjoy playing games with my partner, sharing food once in a while, and have a emotionally maybe intimate relationship that can be as consistent as possible without worrying about sudden grand gestures for a valentines day or whatever to try to 'win' me over.

I guess being able to fool around with each other, fart without worry, and the comfort of not judging each other (to the point of being comfortable naked together in a jacuzzi or something) would be the ideal for me.

I half wanna ask you what the heck a 'maiden game' is It's my native language, and I grew up there, doesn't mean I know everything to come out of it, and left LONG before the NEETs started tanking the entertainment sector. I sympathise with Miyazaki. Kinda wanna know, kinda don't.

I definitely have fallen in love with a couple people (mostly male, only one girl, 'girl' because it was 500 M.Y.A. in high school), or at least the people I thought they were (if there was an illusion to clear, when it cleared, so did my feelings, completely) 

I have tried to be with people for several years at a time because I was afraid to die alone (still am) and they were there to use me and I didn't actually feel much positive for them. 

But anyway, yes, being able to fart around each other, well, it's part of having a body.

I also joke that I prefer men because I need someone who understands why Weird Al and making butter worms (soft butter, press between two saltines, butter comes through the holes) were really cool when I was younger and still hold appeal (Though saying that, my best friend loves machines just like me and spiders, and she's a woman) 

I'm uncomfortable with most sappy stuff, but slow dancing to, say, Firefall's "Just Remember I Love You" in our living room might be nice. But so would going rollerskating, or if he was also into machines. Or if we started a homeless shelter, radio station, or rock band together...

And cuddling in front of the stereo/a good sitcom/cuddling and talking about random stuff is always great.

But I'm no spring chicken, and "I love him," "For who he really is, not something I'm in error about," "He wants to be with me," and "We CAN be together" have yet to coincide, and my biggest fear is they never will. And also earthquakes and strokes. Also big fears.

I've been defining it as 'romantic but not sappy,' but hey, I thought I was allo and other people were just really shallow and had messed-up priorities until the other day. Kinda like how I'm colourblind with some shades of green and pink but not all, and I thought my walls were brown for years until I saw some paint the brown of my walls labelled "green," and asked someone to tell me what colour my walls were. Kinda the same idea. Super relieved to know why I don't like all this stuff, though. It was more just weird knowing my brown walls were green to everyone else, though.

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dragon_cake

@chairdesklamp

16 hours ago, chairdesklamp said:

I half wanna ask you what the heck a 'maiden game' is It's my native language, and I grew up there, doesn't mean I know everything to come out of it, and left LONG before the NEETs started tanking the entertainment sector. I sympathise with Miyazaki. Kinda wanna know, kinda don't.

I honestly have no clue what you said except for the question about the otome game (At least I assume that's what the question was directed at). Otome is pretty much a romance simulator. I can enjoy it because I'm aware it's all fictional and it has plot lines, occasionally beautiful art, and some interesting information about the characters that doesn't always have to end up in the romantic route. Having optional routes is always appreciated. In that sense, it's easy for me to detach because I don't see myself in the interaction nor as the main protagonist.

 

16 hours ago, chairdesklamp said:

I definitely have fallen in love with a couple people (mostly male, only one girl, 'girl' because it was 500 M.Y.A. in high school), or at least the people I thought they were (if there was an illusion to clear, when it cleared, so did my feelings, completely) 

I have tried to be with people for several years at a time because I was afraid to die alone (still am) and they were there to use me and I didn't actually feel much positive for them. 

But anyway, yes, being able to fart around each other, well, it's part of having a body.

I also joke that I prefer men because I need someone who understands why Weird Al and making butter worms (soft butter, press between two saltines, butter comes through the holes) were really cool when I was younger and still hold appeal (Though saying that, my best friend loves machines just like me and spiders, and she's a woman) 

I'm uncomfortable with most sappy stuff, but slow dancing to, say, Firefall's "Just Remember I Love You" in our living room might be nice. But so would going rollerskating, or if he was also into machines. Or if we started a homeless shelter, radio station, or rock band together...

And cuddling in front of the stereo/a good sitcom/cuddling and talking about random stuff is always great.

But I'm no spring chicken, and "I love him," "For who he really is, not something I'm in error about," "He wants to be with me," and "We CAN be together" have yet to coincide, and my biggest fear is they never will. And also earthquakes and strokes. Also big fears.

I've been defining it as 'romantic but not sappy,' but hey, I thought I was allo and other people were just really shallow and had messed-up priorities until the other day. Kinda like how I'm colourblind with some shades of green and pink but not all, and I thought my walls were brown for years until I saw some paint the brown of my walls labelled "green," and asked someone to tell me what colour my walls were. Kinda the same idea. Super relieved to know why I don't like all this stuff, though. It was more just weird knowing my brown walls were green to everyone else, though.

I'm still not sure what your conclusion or point is. I can't tell if you're expressing that you are in the spectrum of aromanticism or not.

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chairdesklamp

a. Basically that's what I was asking, but I was also saying I'm aware there's a lot going on right now in cartoons and games in Japan catering to a rather sexist and sex-obsessed set of young men who have a lot of buying power, and also that a lot of people are unhappy about the bulk of the industry swinging to cater to them, and that I agree with the people who are upset. And because of the current direction of the two closely-tied industries, when I asked what a maiden game was, that I did so not without hesitation, even though curiosity won out and I did ask.

The second, larger part is more or less "I'm BRAND-new to this. I'm not sure what I should be saying I am. This is how I feel. What the heck is that called?"

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dragon_cake

@chairdesklamp

Oh! In that case I can agree with the ones upset since I'm also tired of noticing anime and some games that are overly sexualized to the point of being poorly made.

The rest however seems un-related to the topic as far as I can tell unless you can state more clearly what the difference is between being grayromantic or not.

I feel a bit apologetic to Lizlemon if none of this has been a helpful answer or contribution to the original question.

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chairdesklamp
13 hours ago, dragon_cake said:

@chairdesklamp

Oh! In that case I can agree with the ones upset since I'm also tired of noticing anime and some games that are overly sexualized to the point of being poorly made.

The rest however seems un-related to the topic as far as I can tell unless you can state more clearly what the difference is between being grayromantic or not.

I feel a bit apologetic to Lizlemon if none of this has been a helpful answer or contribution to the original question.

Yeah, the industries are just going where the money is, so I can see it, but I'm no less upset that there's become a dearth of good and not oversexed content in a once gloriously diverse industry. 

 

Yeah, the point was I'm also questioning, but I went ahead and made my own thread, though I haven't got much in the way of a solid answer. 

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dragon_cake
6 hours ago, chairdesklamp said:

Yeah, the point was I'm also questioning, but I went ahead and made my own thread, though I haven't got much in the way of a solid answer. 

It's a good start and in my opinion, I think you're beginning to realize a lot about your romantic orientation along with why you may have wanted a relationship to begin with. Hopefully you'll get the answers you're looking for!

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