Maiakew

Confused about where I fall in the spectrum

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Maiakew

Hi guys! 

 

I recently was directed to this website by my mom, who wanted to help me understand asexuality and have resources and people to talk to. So here I am! 

But I'm not quite sure where I fall under the spectrum. 
  
If you have some free time, let me explain my situation. 

 

 

Growing up, I was always excited about sex, it was one of those things like drinking when you're 21. But when I finally found someone I cared about and did become sexually active with him, it was very lackluster. It was a disappointment. Perhaps the yeast infection after was a sign... But anyways. I thought if I had more sex, experiment some more it would begin to feel better. At least that's what the media told me. 
 
Every time it was a very bleh adequate meal. It was there, but it didn't move you. At least it didn't move me... Finally, fast forward to 5 years ago. I dated this guy seriously, I cared about him a lot and we were regularly active. But again, even though I loved him, and felt he could be the ONE in bed there were no sparks. He had his own problems, but I was always understanding and patient, and perhaps because I didn't care about myself? 

I have sexual urges, I'm not without those, but I've always found masturbation cures them. So I'm not incapable of pleasure/orgasm. But men... There's something about the penis that just doesn't jive with me. I wish I were a lesbian, I think that'd be cool, but it seems that wouldn't help the asexuality. 

At the end of the day, I don't know really what to do, because I don't feel like I'm missing something, I could live the rest of my life without sex. But, most people I look at as life partners do care about it. I don't want to be a dead noodle in bed, pretending to enjoy for his sake... That being said, I'm not averse to having sex, I just don't have the motivation to do so. And perhaps things will turn around for my situation, maybe it's not lifelong, maybe it's a mental block.  I probably should mention when I was ten I was molested... So that could play a role? Thankfully I have moved on from that situation and realized I should have told someone sooner, and acted differently (in my reaction) and the people around me should have taken action sooner. But my parents were nothing but supportive and active in removing me from that situation. But I was told by the headmistress of my boarding school that I was a lying little slut. I'm sorry, but ten years olds don't lie about being molested. What do they have to gain? 

I digress... 

Anyways, please share your experiences and thoughts, I'd love to hear from more people how they cope and deal with their asexuality. 

Thanks for reading my long ass recount of my sexuality. It feels good to finally find people to relate to and discuss it. ❤️

 

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MichaelTannock

I don't think your being molested played a role. I was sexually abused once when I was eight and wondered if that caused me to be Asexual, but there don't appear to be any higher instances of sexual abuse for Asexuals.

 

As for how I cope with my orientation, I've never had or desired either consensual sex or a relationship, but not being able to relate to Sexual people has made me feel isolated and lonely, and I coped with that by joining AVEN.

 

It doesn't help that I can't come out to my family, who are extremely conservative, to the point of scoffing at the LGBTQ+ community.

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Crazy-LoveOwl

I've never had any interest in sex or any kind of sexual activity even when I was younger. Maybe I'm repulsed? I dunno. I guess I coped by surrounding myself with people that are supportive and I have a few friends on the ace spectrum (including a confused partner that doesn't know if they're ace). AVEN is a good place to find cool people tho so. It's up to you to decide if you wanna identify with a label on the ace spectrum or not tho..

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Maiakew
3 hours ago, MichaelTannock said:

I don't think your being molested played a role. I was sexually abused once when I was eight and wondered if that caused me to be Asexual, but there don't appear to be any higher instances of sexual abuse for Asexuals.

 

As for how I cope with my orientation, I've never had or desired either consensual sex or a relationship, but not being able to relate to Sexual people has made me feel isolated and lonely, and I coped with that by joining AVEN.

 

It doesn't help that I can't come out to my family, who are extremely conservative, to the point of scoffing at the LGBTQ+ community.

 

I'm sorry your family isn't ready to hear more about who you are.

I am very fortunate that my parents have done nothing but encourage me in every aspect of my life and being. But I know lots of people who don't have that, and I am truely sorry for them.

 

Not relating to the 'norm' can be hard, especially when its the majority. Sucks big time :(

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Maiakew
3 hours ago, agenderdefender:3 said:

I've never had any interest in sex or any kind of sexual activity even when I was younger. Maybe I'm repulsed? I dunno. I guess I coped by surrounding myself with people that are supportive and I have a few friends on the ace spectrum (including a confused partner that doesn't know if they're ace). AVEN is a good place to find cool people tho so. It's up to you to decide if you wanna identify with a label on the ace spectrum or not tho..

 

I totally relate to the repulsed. I mean, the whole idea is just... Off? Men stick a part of their body into a woman's body... Just weird man.

 

I think I want to learn more and meet more people before I label myself, just because I've always felt like once you label yourself as something, it's hard to disconnect from that,.

But It's amazing something like this exists for people like us!

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Crazy-LoveOwl
4 minutes ago, Maiakew said:

I think I want to learn more and meet more people before I label myself, just because I've always felt like once you label yourself as something, it's hard to disconnect from that,.

But It's amazing something like this exists for people like us!

You don't necessarily have to label yourself if you don't want to. I thought I was homosexual for a while until I came out to myself gender wise and sexuality wise as ace. I also identified as bigender before realizing I'm a demiboy so..

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