should I get back with my ex or try find an asexual partner?

[cutiepastels]

my ex broke up with me a few months ago. Since then I really wanted to get back together and try to make things work.

He offered friendship so I agreed, meantime I tried to figure out if I really was asexual or not. 

 

Then last weekend I managed to attend the London asexual conference. I realised then that I am more likely demisexual / gray ACE.

 

Now my ex seems to be interested in me again but now I am not sure if it is geniuine or if he is just bored or lonely and notices me trying to move on now so sees it as a bit of a competition. 3 years ago when we originally got together he was the same in that he chased me more when other guys were interested in me, only when I made him chose whether to be exclusive or that we end things didhe choose me.

 

Recently he said he is not ready for a serious relationship and can't cope if we break up again. Maybe this is a red flag and I should move on from him.

 

But before all this since last year we planned to have children together hopefully by next year. He broke up with me when the high chair that was given go me by my brother was at mine. And before that he had a family occasion to attend to a few days prior. We even went out for Valentines day he treated me to a meal and gave me gifts. I thought everything was fine.

 

So some point between then maybe something happened in his family, he met another girl at work or he was finding work too stressful. We had another argument on the night he broke up with me.

 

Since then I try to break contact with him longest lasting was 8 days, then I received a bday txt. And after that we were either in touch via txt or msgr with longest 3 or 4 days no contact. I never called him and he never called me.

 

After 2 months not seeing each other, we finally met up. And now have seen each other once a week the past month.

 

I don't know if he ever wants to get back with me seriously and considers a future with me or wants children.

 

I am worried I am wasting my time with him again but I also still have feelings for him. Not obsessive or jealous anymore, just more than friends.

 

Should I keep my options open just in case? Am I giving other potentials a fair chance by making friends with them first?

 

Also, these days it is more tempting to try to get to know another asexual as it could be the right thing for me.

 

What is your advice? And any similar experiences?

[Lipbalm]

Reading this, my hunch is you're leaning towards getting back with your ex. I say this because most girls would actually go for that option. It's just what happens, mostly.

[FIick]

I wouldn't? If you've tried it once and it didn't work with him, chances are high that it won't work again, especially if he seems to view pursuing you as 'a game'. If he's in it for the entertainment, I can't imagine him wanting to settle down for children or for a long time. The consistent dropping contact also hints at a lack of interest on his part to continue the relationship in a meaningful way. If he isn't bothered to keep in regular touch with you, does he really care that much? (i'm asking the deep questions because it's a serious topic, I'm not trying to sound mean at all). He's already said he isn't ready for a serious relationship, so maybe it's worth trying to find someone more emotionally mature, who you could see yourself entering a long-term relationship with? I imagine that returning to him would only end with you getting hurt and wasting your time. I understand you feel for him, but you have to mend your heart before allowing him to break it again.

[Lipbalm]

5 minutes ago, Flickering said:

The consistent dropping contact also hints at a lack of interest on his part to continue the relationship in a meaningful way. 

that's what makes these guys irresistible to a lot of women (I'm not saying that's how the op feels by the way).

[Guest]

Remember why you broke up with him in the first place.

 

[cutiepastels]

15 hours ago, Flickering said:

I wouldn't? If you've tried it once and it didn't work with him, chances are high that it won't work again, especially if he seems to view pursuing you as 'a game'. If he's in it for the entertainment, I can't imagine him wanting to settle down for children or for a long time. The consistent dropping contact also hints at a lack of interest on his part to continue the relationship in a meaningful way. If he isn't bothered to keep in regular touch with you, does he really care that much? (i'm asking the deep questions because it's a serious topic, I'm not trying to sound mean at all). He's already said he isn't ready for a serious relationship, so maybe it's worth trying to find someone more emotionally mature, who you could see yourself entering a long-term relationship with? I imagine that returning to him would only end with you getting hurt and wasting your time. I understand you feel for him, but you have to mend your heart before allowing him to break it again.

thanks for the advice. My mum and sister are not happy with me giving him another chance. They say it is better for me to meet someone new, and my sister reckons even if it seems hard to find an asexual partner it might be more worth it in the long run. 

 

I am just sad it ended, never thought I would have to deal with all that when we had been planning for months and since last year to have children together. I wanted a future with him and we have known each other 13 years now, were good friends for about 5 years before even dating.

But maybe if we really suited it would have been an instant connection years ago, not a slow building relationship. Everything is just slow moving.

As soon as things sped up a bit, then he broke up with me.

 

I will keep my options open now and learn to meet new people again and try find someone more compatible.

 

Just wondering if I can handle being just being friends with him and possibly seeing him every few months instead. Like how we used to when we were friends, or just cut him out my life like my sister says to do.

[cutiepastels]

14 hours ago, Chione said:

Remember why you broke up with him in the first place.

 

he broke up with me. That's the sad thing, when I thought things were going well and we had a future together. Maybe it is finally time to let go of all that, the memories, dreams and hopes together. Been 5 months since the initial break up, and only now he seems to be showing some kind of feelings but not so strong with his approach towards me.

 

How long does it usually take someone to realise they love you? I thought that if we ever got back together I would be happy, but the time has passed and now I feel uncertain and may be ready for a change.

 

I just have to be brave enough to make that choice.

 

I just remember being single prior to this relationship for 5 years and at the time I wasn't sure if I was asexual then - so still tried to find a usual romantic partner, it was quite miserable.

This time round I am feeling more content in myself, also have a place of my own so I am enjoying getting used to having it to myself, as when I first had it I was with my ex and hadn't had a chance to enjoy my own place.

[HonoraryJedi]

I read this from an outside perspective of course, but from what I read, you have been broken up with, he only 'seems' interested, which might be wishful thinking. And he has said he is not ready to be in a serious relationship. I urge you to believe the things he says, those being, you're broken up, and he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship with you. I'm sorry. The idea of having children with this guy is off the table now. And you suspect yourself that he is bored, lonely and competitive, and might just show interest because in you now because it is easy and you're available. Stay far away from that shit. I advice you enjoy your freedom in your own place, try to occupy your mind with something else than this dude, and eventually, try to find someone who is exited to be together with you, and have children.

[cutiepastels]

On 7/12/2018 at 12:41 PM, HonoraryJedi said:

I read this from an outside perspective of course, but from what I read, you have been broken up with, he only 'seems' interested, which might be wishful thinking. And he has said he is not ready to be in a serious relationship. I urge you to believe the things he says, those being, you're broken up, and he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship with you. I'm sorry. The idea of having children with this guy is off the table now. And you suspect yourself that he is bored, lonely and competitive, and might just show interest because in you now because it is easy and you're available. Stay far away from that shit. I advice you enjoy your freedom in your own place, try to occupy your mind with something else than this dude, and eventually, try to find someone who is exited to be together with you, and have children.

thanks I will keep that in mind. Try harder to enjoy single life, and at least make friends with people first. I probably am not ready for a serious relationship now since the break up.

 

 

[cutiepastels]

no-one thinks I should get back with my ex and I should move on. I just worry if I can do so without regrets. This is the first time since the break up that we are reconnecting but it is also the time when everyone tells me I should forget and move on by now because of the time it has taken for this to have happened. (But also because now he says he doesn't want anything serious - that was 3 weeks ago. Last week he said he missed me. This week have yet to see how he feels. But if he wanted to be with me still he should also care about how I feel, he knows I still have feelings for him already so it's not like he has to guess how I feel. It's not enough to carry on with someone if only one of you has strong feelings.)

 

If it happened sooner then maybe some people might advise me to try again.

 

It makes no logical sense to try again other than just maybe regrets. But 3 years should have been enough to see, and the break up all the bad things.

But then there is the moment of forgiveness and the time that passes by when love starts to grow again.

 

Maybe it would have been more ideal if it was a break and not a break up.

 

Also another thing that puts me off is he has started smoking again. He said he will start using a vaporiser and try quit but realistically it would take 3 months at least. I said to him if he didn't break up with me then he wouldn't have needed to start smoking again. 

I don't want to be with him now that he is smoking again it puts me off.

But he also knows I still have feelings for him.

I said if he starts using a vaporiser then maybe we can try work things out and try again.

He said he ordered one from online and it will arrive in a few weeks time.

 

I guess now I have a reason not to see him, tell him it annoys me when he smokes that next time I see him will probably be when he uses vaporiser. I could just use that as an excuse to not see him and see if he will understand.

I just wish I could stop being so stubborn and listen to logic and ignore my feelings as I managed to do so the first few months.

 

I need to try see him less or not at all and clear my mind again.

[HonoraryJedi]

Just sending a reminder that "I miss you"  ≠  "I love you, I made a mistake and I am ready to be in a committed relationship again." I still advise you not to read too much into it. You're doing great, please take care of yourself.