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What would be important to you in your ACE relatioonship?


RakshaTheCat

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PixleyDust✨

Hmm. Being aro/ace, my relationship would probably border more on intense friendship than one that’s romantic. Like a QPR, most likely.

 

But within that, I would just like someone I’m comfortable with. Or more specifically, someone I can be totally me with and they’re totally cool with it, if not excited for it (and as a GNC individual actively questioning their gender, being this goes a LONG WAY). Like, they don’t have to be genderqueer in some way, just accepting and encouraging of people who are (although, that would be an awesome bonus if they were). 

 

Definitely someone I can joke around with too, that I have lots of fun with, no matter if what we’re doing is actually fun or not. 

 

So, good chemistry + sense of humor + total acceptance/open-mindedness = ideal relationship.

 

I’d wedge pizza into that equation somewhere, but I figured that was a given. 😆

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Celyn: The Lutening
8 hours ago, Marcin said:

Do you live with each other or plan to? What kind of plans together do you have?

No, and, sadly - to mostly go our separate ways and stay in touch with technology, as I'm moving overseas. It's the one thing that does upset me a little, but the move is what my life needs.

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RakshaTheCat
55 minutes ago, Celyn said:

No, and, sadly - to mostly go our separate ways and stay in touch with technology, as I'm moving overseas. It's the one thing that does upset me a little, but the move is what my life needs.

It is sad, but if you think it's necessary, then good luck with your move. Hopefully you will find it overseas, whatever it is that you are looking for :)

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Strawberry ice cream
On 7/11/2018 at 5:24 PM, grande-americano said:

Here is the dynamic that works best for my husband and I:

 

1. We are a team first. We always have each others back, no matter the situation.

 

2. We are best friends second. We build each other up, support one another, and have fun and joke around.

 

3. We are husband and wife third. Romance and sex are important (my husband is allo, I'm demi), but never first. We are happy and successful because of our foundation, not because of "love".

 

Your feelings will change over time that is a guarantee. But never change your fundamentals. 

This is so true. So clever. I completely agree with your. This is how relationship can work lifetime.

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Strawberry ice cream
On 7/12/2018 at 6:13 PM, daveb said:

Just going by the thread title, ace relationships. :) 

(which raises the question, are demi-sexuals considered ace (which is short for asexual)?)

 

In any case, I said "to me", being asexual and not interested in sex at all. :P (also see my comment "to each their own") :) 

I was thinking about this too and I agree with you. Maybe demi is closer to sexual and not asexual. 

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Celyn: The Lutening
6 hours ago, Strawberry ice cream said:

Maybe demi is closer to sexual and not asexual.

I'm demi and the way I explain it is "I'm functionally asexual unless I've been in love for like, a year."

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I am a sexual, but in a comfortable QPR with an ace right now (after much agony). What I appreciate about my relationship with my ace is his willingness to nurture our relationship. We can and do talk about anything and everything. We interact on multiple levels ranging from public causes to deeply secret sexual desires. There is no problem we can't talk through and find a way around or accept and support each other through even when there isn't an easy fix (I am very sexual and his discovery of being ace counts as one such problem). We simply accept each other and want the best for each other.

 

It helps that we are very different and complement each other well and are able to support the other's blind spots really well. He is very good at caring, sharing the day to day load and literally left the city he loves to come and live with me.

 

And tremendous respect for each other to the point that things like checking for consent to respect each other's individuality, communicating with others on behalf of each other, and such are meticulously respectful of each other's individuality and yet done so gracefully, they drip respect and caring for each other's preferences rather than a formal process of checking. Every day, in multiple ways, we choose each other. Over and over. No such thing as together because default. We provide for each other's happiness well enough to choose each other regardless of having alternatives. From simple activiites to a life partnership.

 

All this matters to me so much that I simply moved on from the sex and still want him in my life anyway.

 

(Though I can't pretend the lack of a regular sex life doesn't suck, but at this point, it would be like a bonus and probably with someone else, not him, and it wouldn't make me break up with him regardless.)

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On 7/11/2018 at 10:11 AM, Marcin said:

I'm quite crazy about doing things together. Like most, I like sharing fun stuff, like nature walks, hikes, trips (especially bike ones), holidays, smaller (and bigger) adventures, recreational sports, fun past memories, good food, watching movies, playing games, hobby projects, interesting discussions and snuggles. Helping each other grow and solve problems is also great bonding experience for me.

 

What is also quite important to me, is sharing more mundane stuff. Something as boring as cleaning house is much more manageable when done together. And things like cooking or gardening, that I'm often too lazy to bother much on my own, are outright fun when done with someone special. Work is another thing, it can take quite a bit of time, so being able to share it with someone special would make it much more fun. Maybe I'm just crazy, I don't know... 🤔

 

This sounds absolutely wonderful to me :) 

I'd also like hugs and cuddles, a little bit of physical closeness that doesn't involve sex.

If that person had a creative streak too, that would be a big bonus. We could grab our cameras and vanish in a garden or an abandoned factory or a city we've never visited before and then share the photos with each other, discuss how they make us feel. Maybe we could write something together. Draw something. 

We could read in bed together!

In the future we could live together and share responsibilities, chores, plans for the future, look after each other in old age. I have this image in my head of two grey-haired people sitting on a swing in their garden, holding hands, two cups of tea on a little table by their side. It's a warm July evening... our cat's on the roof again and we're giggling.   

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Celyn: The Lutening
48 minutes ago, InariYana said:

In the future we could live together and share responsibilities, chores, plans for the future, look after each other in old age. I have this image in my head of two grey-haired people sitting on a swing in their garden, holding hands, two cups of tea on a little table by their side. It's a warm July evening... our cat's on the roof again and we're giggling.

SO ADORABLE. Honestly the dream.

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RakshaTheCat

Definitely, physical closeness is fun, I thought I actually included something about it on my weird list :)

 

Could you share some of your creative side, @InariYana? I've been actually wondering how to explore my one. I'm geeky software developer, I solve problems, so my creativity was always strictly confined to 'will it work', 'is this helpful to a user', 'is this fun for a user'. That means, well, there was never much of it.

 

For example, I tried 3d modeling recently. Technical side of it I can handle. But deciding how end result should look like, well, that feels almost impossible... Too much freedom... How do you, super creative people, handle that? :)

 

It's a bit similar with photos. I have no idea how to take proper ones, so I just sometimes take boring, 'holiday' photos, to help me remember moments I enjoyed. Like this one. When I took it, it was just showing where I'm about to go. But does it have any feelings associated with it? For me, it has some, since I remember being a bit scared, but also excited to continue my trip alongside picturesque river. And curious, what is waiting for me on the other side.

 

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Hmm... I draw (usually just pencil, maybe mixed with charcoal and dry pastels), paint (acrylics), take photographs of pretty much anything nature related (it's usually macro photography, nothing "pro" quality but it's fun), I sell some commercial photos online too. I was a graphic designer for years... I used to make jewellery... 

I've never ventured into film or music, but it's tempting :) 

I can knit very simple stripy scarves... :D 

Oh, I also like origami. 

I want to try pottery too.

Hmmm... I won 2 poetry awards in the past and I still write from time to time... 

Honestly, I even take part in craft sessions for kids :D as a parent to my child, but I always do my own thing too. Like soap sculptures :lol: 

Pretty much any creative opportunity arises, I don't hesitate and just jump straight in. It's a massive part of my life.    

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RakshaTheCat

With being that artsy, I'm sure you have no problem attracting plenty of candidates for romantic relationship. So I guess the main problem is, picking the right one? :)

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Full disclosure, I dont expect any one person to meet these requirements. I would be happy with them meeting two to three of them. Here it goes:

 

The number one thing I desire is an asexual that doesn't want sex and isn't sexually attracted to me in any way, only strongly romantically attracted. If I can find that person I can tolerate a lot of things from them. Now my dream asexual relationship would be like a queerplatonic partner. I want them to view me as their life partner. Marriage doesn't even have to be on the table, but I want us to be committed to one another. If I move, they move and vice versa. This isn't just a friendship that you say bye to after you move for job opportunity. We need to stick together and consider one another when making decisions. I don't think it would work if one person views the other as best friend. I want a strong desire to be together. No one sided partnership... and that is very common thing in todays relationships. I want random forehead kisses from them. I want to cuddle with them on the couch sometimes while watch television. I desire for them to hold my hand sometimes while walking. I want to be able to randomly attack them with back hugs and they do that to me( I like playful, just not so playful it gets annoying). I dont think I would like to cuddle in bed since I like to sleep a certain way, but I dont mind it every now and than. I want it to be an equal partnership. I want to be able to have deep discussions and arguments with them and us being level headed enough that we don't get too heated with one another. I also want us to give each other space when we need it. If I'm in my room working on comics, I want them to be working on their own thing or doing something else without bothering me constantly to be with them. I don't want to them to be very outdoorsy since Im definitely not one, but I would like them to be open to doing fun activities every once in a while. Best case scenario I'm attracted to them in looks and personality... but I can take just personality( I do need some amount of attraction here though). As far as personality goes I would love for the person to be independent and empathetic... I want a guy who cares. If I can find a asexual man who has those two traits than I be in heaven.

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Hmmm...If my partner and I were to ever live together, I imagine us living like a married couple, but also the way best friends would. We'd divide the household responsibilities, go grocery shopping together, and go out for dinner every now and then, but we'd also have nights in with snacks and anime marathons, video game competitions (where they'd probably kick my ass), shopping sprees, road trips, and all sorts of stuff. :D For me, what's important is mutual understanding, trust, and respect.

 

Don't let them see this, they think I'm sappy enough already. :ph34r:

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RakshaTheCat
6 minutes ago, Kai99 said:

The number one thing I desire is an asexual that doesn't want sex and isn't sexually attracted to me in any way, only strongly romantically attracted. If I can find that person I can tolerate a lot of things from them. Now my dream asexual relationship would be like a queerplatonic partner. I want them to view me as their life partner. Marriage doesn't even have to be on the table, but I want us to be committed to one another. If I move, they move and vice versa. This isn't just a friendship that you say bye to after you move for job opportunity. We need to stick together and consider one another when making decisions. I don't think it would work if one person views the other as best friend. I want a strong desire to be together. No one sided partnership... and that is very common thing in todays relationships.

I like your point here, this is very important to me, and I was surprised that commitment isn't very popular thing. I mean, sure, if someone is aromantic, then something like that will probably feel abstract to them, and that's perfectly fine. But I always thought that whole point of being in romantic relationship is to share your life together. Some personal space, sure, each having their own room for example. But sharing home lets us do so many things together, that I don't think I could have long term serious relationship while living apart.

 

Distance can be an issue if I'm just getting to know someone, but it's something that usually can be solved. There are still holidays, so we can meet each other. And if we decide it would be good to try serious relationship, there are usually ways to relocate without ruining anyone's life. I did that once, it was soo worth it, even if, after living together for few years, we decided we are not the best match for each other.


I like being realistic and I know that relationship might fail for various reasons. We are not perfect or all knowing, we can do mistakes. But in that case, I just thank my partner for all good times we had together, while agreeing to end the relationship and just continue as friends.

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My ideal situation would be a committed, somewhat affectionate best friends/housemates kind of relationship. So, loving each other's company and sharing a life and a living space and would be important, but no like traditional romance.

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QuantumEcho

My ideal situation would be affectionate wise cuddling and kissing thats it. I wouldn't mind sleeping in the same bed. Same interests get a long well best friends. 

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I’m glad this particular thread is here actually, I think it’ll give me some valuable insight into how y’all view things. 

 

I’m wondering, how many of you reckon your answer to this thread question will change over time? 

I am very much in the confusing middle of figuring this sort of thing out, cause I’m still in the place where I’m aware I’d end up consenting to more than I’d really want because it would be what the other person wanted and because it’s considered, just what you do. Still getting used to the fact it’s okay to not really want people to kiss you. 

But even those of you who are quite content and definite about where you’ve put yourselves on the spectrum, do you think your answer might change? 

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Someone who is there for me, plain and simple, and someone I can be there for as well. I want commitment and love, non-romantic love would be preferable, but still...I would need love to be there, like a deep friendship. Someone who also understands my need for alone time and is okay when I need a break to just be my introverted self, but is also happy to be my tv/cooking/lying on the couch buddy. 

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RakshaTheCat
1 hour ago, Rupa said:

I’m glad this particular thread is here actually, I think it’ll give me some valuable insight into how y’all view things. 

 

I’m wondering, how many of you reckon your answer to this thread question will change over time?

Glad you like it, that's the purpose of this thread :) 

 

My answer might definitely evolve over time. Heck, about decade ago, I didn't even know I like relationships in the first place. I was perfectly happy doing everything on my own. Eventually though, I figured that doing things with someone special might actually be even more fun. I tried, and yeah, it was more fun!

 

I'm still trying to discover what would work for me the best. I'm constantly learning new things. Relationships are complicated, and quite serious commitment after all. Developing software is much easier in comparison 😼

 

1 hour ago, SilentRose said:

Someone who also understands my need for alone time and is okay when I need a break to just be my introverted self, but is also happy to be my tv/cooking/lying on the couch buddy. 

This was one important thing that actually attracted me to my last partner. We could have 'alone time', even while actually being stuck together in one tiny room. We were just doing our own things whenever we felt like it, or just did things together when we felt like having a company. It was amazing experience for me, since till then, I really needed to get away from people to recharge (including my previous partners). She was the first person I met, that I didn't mind having around me!

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Spaceunicorn

I would want someone that likes to go to music festivals/raves and someone that likes to cuddle and that doesn't get mad at me for having friends that are guys and that will trust me. And occasionally buy me something just to show me they care.

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10 hours ago, Marcin said:

My answer might definitely evolve over time. Heck, about decade ago, I didn't even know I like relationships in the first place. I was perfectly happy doing everything on my own. Eventually though, I figured that doing things with someone special might actually be even more fun. I tried, and yeah, it was more fun!

 

I'm still trying to discover what would work for me the best. I'm constantly learning new things. Relationships are complicated, and quite serious commitment after all.

Hmm yes, thank you. That’s interesting! Very true. 

 

I’m kind of in that odd place where I’m not sure whether I actually do want one or not? There are times when I do want that companionship but when I’ve been in them before I can quite happily go ages without seeing them, and put up with but don’t overly like being clung to in endless cuddles etc. Part of that’s being busy a lot but I think it’d be the same if I wasn’t? Perhaps just not the right people. I’ll figure it out eventually, lol. 

Thanks for your reply :)

 

10 hours ago, Marcin said:

Developing software is much easier in comparison 😼

Haha true 😂 not that I’m a technical person in any respect- I see you do games too- I let all you cool peeps that can do numbers sort out that side and I’ll do the animating or something haha

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RakshaTheCat
3 hours ago, Rupa said:

There are times when I do want that companionship but when I’ve been in them before I can quite happily go ages without seeing them, and put up with but don’t overly like being clung to in endless cuddles etc. Part of that’s being busy a lot but I think it’d be the same if I wasn’t? Perhaps just not the right people. I’ll figure it out eventually, lol. 

Yes, I feel its matter of finding the right person. After all, it's on you and your partner to decide, what kind of stuff you want to do together and how much of it. Cuddles are just one of those things :)

 

3 hours ago, Rupa said:

Haha true 😂 not that I’m a technical person in any respect- I see you do games too- I let all you cool peeps that can do numbers sort out that side and I’ll do the animating or something haha

Animation is more important than coding in games I think, so you have upper hand here :)

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@Marcin True :)

Still trying to figure out tho, why it bothers me when I’m around other people that are in relationships but are ‘extremely good friends’ with others that they’re always hugging, lying all over each other, and are literally never apart from etc. 🤔

From my perspective it looks like relationship-y behaviour but obviously it’s a platonic thing going on. Can’t put my finger on why it makes me feel uncomfortable, seems silly.

 

46 minutes ago, Marcin said:

Animation is more important than coding in games I think, so you have upper hand here :)

Haha now that I think is something that can be debated (although probably not here xD ). It’s true the visuals are always in the players face and can attract people to games, I in fact usually play them because I find them beautiful, but if I speak to others (‘hardcore’ types) they say that is an initial reaction and quite quickly they ignore the environment etc because they are so focused on spotting and shooting, for instance. They play for the gameplay and mechanics. 

 

For such people and especially speedrunners, if theres something glitchy or doesnt work quite how you’d like/expect it to, something’s too slow etc, I believe its offputting for people, so the underlying mechanics and code are important too :)  

 

(Although, ok, on the point of speed, yes the animator does need to make the attacks and jumps super snappy so its both there)

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I'd want either a not-too-sexual romance or some variety of QPP. I wish that our society had some legal/religious equivalent to marriage for non-romantic partnerships, but I think that's a topic for another thread.

My ideal partner would be someone emotionally stable who shares some of my interests and knows how to cook. (I dislike cooking.) Also, I would need someone who gave me space to be introverted.

I'm open to the idea of having children, as long as I wouldn't be the one giving birth. Kids are nice, but raising one of my one would, obviously, be a huge life commitment.

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SudokuKenKen

Some Characteristics in an Ideal Partner

 

1. Stability (Emotionally/Physically)

2. Trust and Respect

3. Able to unconditionally love

4. Kindess

5. Someone who's able to elevate the best in me

6. Committed

7. Adventurous/Fun

8. Passionate

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theotherpope

I think I'd be looking for someone who I could call my 'person'. The person I can go on adventures with, who I know I'll have fun with, and who will come to me with adventures of their own. I'd want to be able to share my creativity with them and fall down rabbit holes as we get lost creating plots for possible story lines when I write, or someone to laugh with me when I try to paint but still encourage me anyway because they know I enjoy it. 

 

I'd love to be able to go to functions with them - work parties and birthdays and weddings - and know my person will have my back if I want to ditch early and settle in for a quiet night watching cheesy tv shows with a cuddle or two, knowing I'd have their back too. Someone who wouldn't be afraid to let me take their hand and be the first ones dancing at a party, while trusting me enough to know if they really were embarrassed that I'd settle for wiggling about in the chair next to them making them laugh. 

 

While I'd think it was important to do things together, I'd also find it important to have space. I'd like to be able to share some interests and hobbies, but have our own separate ones to come together and talk about. I would love to be able to be open and honest when saying I'd like time to myself (or vice versa) without worrying if the other person might take it to heart. 

 

My ideal ace relationship would be something along the lines of having a best friend, except we're committed to one another with cuddles thrown in for good measure. 

 

 

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RakshaTheCat
8 minutes ago, theotherpope said:

I'd want to be able to share my creativity with them and fall down rabbit holes as we get lost creating plots for possible story lines when I write, or someone to laugh with me when I try to paint but still encourage me anyway because they know I enjoy it. 

Wow, you actually want to be encouraged? That's awesome! I'm pleasantly surprised, because I learned so far that most people don't seem to want that. Or maybe I'm just awful at encouraging, I don't know...

 

Wonder if you should be scared of people like me though... Because if I noticed that my partner loves writing and painting, I would start toying with an idea of making small game that would suit their art. If they drop their guard and agree on that, they will find themselves in need of doing plenty of painting (and maybe writing). And painting in traditional way wouldn't save you, traditional art definitely can be used 😼

 

49 minutes ago, theotherpope said:

Someone who wouldn't be afraid to let me take their hand and be the first ones dancing at a party, while trusting me enough to know if they really were embarrassed that I'd settle for wiggling about in the chair next to them making them laugh.  

Since I was a kid, I found the very idea of me dancing as completely absurd. And you just made it look like something that I would want to try with the right person... I like people who can challenge my presumptions. How do I find more awesome people like you? I want all my false presumptions destroyed :)

 

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theotherpope
3 minutes ago, Marcin said:

Wow, you actually want to be encouraged? That's awesome! I'm pleasantly surprised, because I learned so far that most people don't seem to want that. Or maybe I'm just awful at encouraging, I don't know...

Perhaps some people get self-conscious, but I can't speak for them so who's to say! 🤷‍♀️😃 Maybe it comes from working in a primary school - I could draw a stick figure and the kids are like "Miss, that's amazing!" and suddenly I think "Yeah...YEAH....I got this!" It's so powerful and uplifting 😝 (and cheesy apparently) 

 

7 minutes ago, Marcin said:

 traditional art definitely can be used 😼

No art is safe! 😱

 

I'm so glad it made you reconsider dancing! Even if it's something you only do in the privacy of your own home, I think it can feel awesome to let loose. Just because you dancing is 'completely absurd' doesn't mean it can't be 'completely fun' (especially if it's 'dad dancing', which I specialise in) 

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Sarah-n-dippity

Hmm, this is tough - I find it tricky to imagine a relationship as the world tends to be all 'heteronormative' or 'physical' about it but I'd guess if I strip that back in my mind *thinking face*:

 

I'd want someone to enjoy my hobbies with - even if it's not their favourite thing to do, just like I'd try something new with them. We would hang out in our warm lounge watching cheesy films throwing popcorn at the screen when it gets too cringy, and playing silly multiplayer video games where we don't shy away from crushing each other in fake pixelated battles! I'd like them to encourage me to go out sometimes, and maybe even dance a little, but also understand when my internal battery runs out and lets me hide in a hallway playing solitaire on the floor, with the pack of cards one of us inevitably brings to the night club/dance/event, till I can come back and boogie with the best of them again! (note: over three years of professional dance training does not mean I know how to dance as soon as I'm not choreographed! *shuffles from one foot to the next*)

 

Someone who likes their family - as I love mine - and gets that sometimes you need the space to do your family rituals (like your own special Christmas routines, or those nights you just need to grab a hot chocolate and have a long chat with your mum) - but also loves sharing them with me, and I with them.

 

Someone who calms me down when I get stressed over the littlest things and reminds me that everything tends to work out in the end. A partner to face the world with when things just get a bit much, and a friend to be part of the world with when it's all wonderful and amazing again.

 

Someone who loves the fact that I have a twin sister, and gets that she's basically an extra friend you get to have because you met me :-)  

 

We'd wander round museums, go to afternoon tea when we want to feel posh, try on insane outfits in the most expensive shops to dream big (and then realise we can literally only afford the luggage tag that's on sale in the corner), and just have the best time. We'd be each other's 'person'. Even when we weren't there physically you know we'd always be there for each other emotionally.

 

By 'a few sentences' you meant 'like three paragraphs' right? Also I clearly found this less tough than I thought I would!

 

 

 

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