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What would be important to you in your ACE relatioonship?


RakshaTheCat

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RakshaTheCat

I couldn't find thread like that, so I thought I will make one. How would you like your ACE relationship to look like? Give us few sentences, write whatever you wish, even if you think it would be hard to find someone for it :)  I'll start with myself.

 

 

I'm quite crazy about doing things together. Like most, I like sharing fun stuff, like nature walks, hikes, trips (especially bike ones), holidays, smaller (and bigger) adventures, recreational sports, fun past memories, good food, watching movies, playing games, hobby projects, interesting discussions and snuggles. Helping each other grow and solve problems is also great bonding experience for me.

 

What is also quite important to me, is sharing more mundane stuff. Something as boring as cleaning house is much more manageable when done together. And things like cooking or gardening, that I'm often too lazy to bother much on my own, are outright fun when done with someone special. Work is another thing, it can take quite a bit of time, so being able to share it with someone special would make it much more fun. Maybe I'm just crazy, I don't know... 🤔

 

 

So, that's my crazy, and maybe naive, idea about my kind of relationship. What yours? 😺

 

 

 

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In the very basic: someone who I can give more to than I give myself, and who will do the same in return for me.
I'm a sever empath- I love to care. I have to. It's hardwired in. For me, that always ends in endless giving without receiving. If I were to ever "love", it would be someone who would give it all back to me, and we could live a blissful life of unconditional support and understanding.

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Celyn: The Lutening
42 minutes ago, Marcin said:

nature walks, hikes, trips (especially bike ones), holidays, smaller (and bigger) adventures, recreational sports, fun past memories, good food, watching movies, playing games, hobby projects, interesting discussions and snuggles. Helping each other grow and solve problems is also great bonding experience for me.

This, with the addition of kisses, but no more than that (I'd probably be indifferent about sex eventually, but I would want my partner to be demisexual or grey-a with a super low libido.). I really like the idea of falling asleep in each other's arms, of a relationship based on trust and accepting vulnerability with each other.

I am a hopeless romantic.

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If I dated another asexual person, I'd need them to be okay with kisses and cuddling and flirtatious gestures. I don't like sex but I like intimate physical contact. If I dated an allosexual person, probably once-a-week sex would be my limit.

 

Ultimately, I want somebody who is kind, has a great sense of humor and a joy for life, and loves nature and the outdoors. And being bearded would help. Beards are cool.

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Celyn: The Lutening
6 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

If I dated another asexual person, I'd need them to be okay with kisses and cuddling and flirtatious gestures. I don't like sex but I like intimate physical contact. If I dated an allosexual person, probably once-a-week sex would be my limit.

It's nice to see someone else who gets the need for physical intimacy without (much) sex.

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Honestly, I don't really know the difference between a friendship and a relationship.I guess it's in the feelings for one another.

That explains mostly what I would want (because it's really weird to me that in some relationships their SO isn't their best friend, like, there is something wrong there).

I would like to cuddle a lot and probably kiss (so smoking is a no-no, cause the smell really hurts my nose). But apart from that, it would be what you said: someone you can do whatever with (hobbies or chores) and still make it somewhat funny, someone that helps you grow as a person and you can be vulnerable with. 

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My ideal relationship would involve someone who is okay with me wanting to cuddle and be touchy feely without the need for sex.  To have someone who is always there with you and be your most special person. To accept that sometimes I need space and me time by myself and to be understanding of my emotional needs. I’m okay with kissing but sometimes it’s overwhelming. I wouldn’t care if my partner doesn’t like touching at all.

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Galactic Turtle

We'd be friends but if I was for some reason tasked with traveling a long way to throw a magic ring into a volcano I'd expect them to come with me.

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I want friendship+

 

Someone I can confide in and them in me, there when one of us needs the other.

 

Someone to go out for meals, to see a film the theatre or a band.

 

What I don't want is to get close to someone for them to leave when a better offer comes along

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grande-americano

Here is the dynamic that works best for my husband and I:

 

1. We are a team first. We always have each others back, no matter the situation.

 

2. We are best friends second. We build each other up, support one another, and have fun and joke around.

 

3. We are husband and wife third. Romance and sex are important (my husband is allo, I'm demi), but never first. We are happy and successful because of our foundation, not because of "love".

 

Your feelings will change over time that is a guarantee. But never change your fundamentals. 

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Someone who I can find solace in, who is easy to talk to. And I agree with the replies about magic quests. I want a partner who is so ride or die that if we were tasked with a world-shattering quest they would come with me.

 

Aside from that, I just want someone who I can trust and have fun with. And I do love a good romantic gesture, both doing one and receiving one.

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Equality. I think it should be a given in any relationship, but it's not. I DON'T want a partner who thinks they're better/more important than I am and whose needs and expectations are more valid than mine. I'd love to be in a relationship where my partner and I are equal.

 

Also, space. I'm an introvert and sometimes I get tired of being around people, even my loved ones. I need quality time alone. I'd love to be in a relationship with someone who understands that it's OK to spend some time away from each other.

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Guest Talgo

It would be nice to come home from work and have someone caring waiting for me. It be nice to also have similar interests (like activities or music or whatever). I would like to go to the occasional show with them or movie or maybe camping with friends (or just each other). 

 

I'm pretty touch indifferent. GF's in the past would get upset because they would touch me and I wouldn't notice/care & often didn't reciprocate. Like, I don't care if we _do_ hold hands and I don't care if we _don't_. I feel the same about sex. Like, if we are together and she wants to try it, sure. If I go the rest of my life without sex, I'd be fine with that too. A lot of stress for me about sex is having to perform at random instances, so I think scheduled sex would work best (if it was a requirement).

 

Basically I want someone to share my life with. To have inside jokes with. That I can mention how we once did that thing and we can both reflect on doing that thing together. 😕 

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity

Happiness & Equality  I think it's most important to keep my partner happy and satisfied. Trust, balance, space, patience and mutual views/hobbies are crucial as well. You have to find ways to grow and change without drifting apart over time.

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I don't think it's fair to expect one person to be everything I need.  So one of the first things I'd expect from an "ideal" relationship is a lack of jealousy. I'd like to have friendS Plural. Of course I'm not being sexual with my friends but I was married to a woman who was very jealous and hated that I wanted to hang out with friends. She expected that all I ever wanted was sex so if I hung out with friends, she thought I had to be having sex with them.

 

However, even though I'm talking about friends plural, I want to cuddle and be physically intimate. The best relationship I ever had, we literally slept together. I do not mean figuratively. I mean with snoring and unconsciousness. I think kissing among friends is okay. I don't have much of a desire for kissing but if my asexual friend liked kissing then I'd be okay with kissing. Mostly what I want is mutual massage, a literal, "I'll rub your back and you rub mine."

 

Friends help each other. This has been true since before humans were humans. All the higher animals express social behavior by grooming each other, helping each other, working together for the good of the group. This has to be the fundamental basis of friendship. I've struggled because too many people nowadays think that friendship is all about having a party or having a good ole' time. No, the friends are not the ones who attend the party with you. Your true friends are the ones that hang with you when you're down, when you need help, when you have to do something that is bigger than one person can do alone. True friends can look at you, really look at you, naked even, and help you know how you can help yourself. A friend will remove the sliver from your foot. A friend can reach that spot in the middle of your back that you can't reach. A friend will tell you if you have bad breath and offer you a mint.

 

This is what I'm looking for.

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RakshaTheCat
8 hours ago, Celyn said:

This, with the addition of kisses, but no more than that (I'd probably be indifferent about sex eventually, but I would want my partner to be demisexual or grey-a with a super low libido.). I really like the idea of falling asleep in each other's arms, of a relationship based on trust and accepting vulnerability with each other.

I am a hopeless romantic.

Yes, physical intimacy is great. My normie ex kept joking that after long bus ride, she would lose considerable amount of arm hair, because I just kept stroking her arm semi-unconsciously all that time. Although, I learned hard way that physical intimacy makes normal people want to have a sex with you, so it made me a bit afraid of it...

 

Trust and accepting vulnerability, heh, any luck finding people who feel the same? I quickly learned that I'm apparently crazy that I find these things important, and normal people don't seem to be bothered with it much...

 

May I ask what are your relationship experiences so far? We seem to have similar needs, so might as well compare notes :)

 

 

4 hours ago, Flickering said:

Someone who I can find solace in, who is easy to talk to. And I agree with the replies about magic quests. I want a partner who is so ride or die that if we were tasked with a world-shattering quest they would come with me.

Yeah, I like the quest idea :) My biggest so far (although still mundane) was moving myself to another country to be with someone. We succeeded with moving and living together, although we eventually failed with relationship when we realized we have a bit different needs in the end.

 

4 hours ago, grande-americano said:

Here is the dynamic that works best for my husband and I:

 

1. We are a team first. We always have each others back, no matter the situation.

 

2. We are best friends second. We build each other up, support one another, and have fun and joke around.

Love it, glad you found someone who shares that dynamic with you! :)

 

9 hours ago, Akito said:

Honestly, I don't really know the difference between a friendship and a relationship.I guess it's in the feelings for one another.

That explains mostly what I would want (because it's really weird to me that in some relationships their SO isn't their best friend, like, there is something wrong there).

I would like to cuddle a lot and probably kiss (so smoking is a no-no, cause the smell really hurts my nose). But apart from that, it would be what you said: someone you can do whatever with (hobbies or chores) and still make it somewhat funny, someone that helps you grow as a person and you can be vulnerable with. 

Exactly. Hmm, maybe relationship is just bigger kind of friendship? Basically, being friend with someone so much, that you might as well live together and share considerable amount of your lives :)

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Celyn: The Lutening
5 hours ago, Marcin said:

May I ask what are your relationship experiences so far? We seem to have similar needs, so might as well compare notes :)

One pretty awesome QPR-like thing that's lasted 8 years. And a year-long basically fling that didn't work out because he had the libido of.....something with a really high libido.

5 hours ago, Marcin said:

Hmm, maybe relationship is just bigger kind of friendship?

I kind of think that. The way I love my friends is the same feeling I get in a relationship. I've felt sexual attraction to one person and that felt like something totally additional and separate to what I already felt for him.

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16 hours ago, Marcin said:

I couldn't find thread like that, so I thought I will make one. How would you like your ACE relationship to look like? Give us few sentences, write whatever you wish, even if you think it would be hard to find someone for it :)  I'll start with myself.

 

 

I'm quite crazy about doing things together. Like most, I like sharing fun stuff, like nature walks, hikes, trips (especially bike ones), holidays, smaller (and bigger) adventures, recreational sports, fun past memories, good food, watching movies, playing games, hobby projects, interesting discussions and snuggles. Helping each other grow and solve problems is also great bonding experience for me.

 

What is also quite important to me, is sharing more mundane stuff. Something as boring as cleaning house is much more manageable when done together. And things like cooking or gardening, that I'm often too lazy to bother much on my own, are outright fun when done with someone special. Work is another thing, it can take quite a bit of time, so being able to share it with someone special would make it much more fun. Maybe I'm just crazy, I don't know... 🤔

 

 

So, that's my crazy, and maybe naive, idea about my kind of relationship. What yours? 😺

 

 

 

That’s pretty much exactly it.

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RakshaTheCat
8 minutes ago, Celyn said:

One pretty awesome QPR-like thing that's lasted 8 years.

Wow, dude, you are expert in these matters then! Hmm, I don't want to invade your privacy, but I am curious now, maybe there would be something I could learn from your experience. Anything more you would be comfortable sharing about it?

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cutiepastels

If I were to be in an ACE relationship I would want affection in kisses, hugs, and cuddles. Someone I can share life with, spend time together going places, eating, having fun, a few hobbies like music and movies would be good too. Perhaps for connection and intimacy massages and also sex once a week or once a month. Also, ideally I would like to have children one day so would like to meet someone who is open to the idea of that.

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Celyn: The Lutening
8 hours ago, Marcin said:

Wow, dude, you are expert in these matters then! Hmm, I don't want to invade your privacy, but I am curious now, maybe there would be something I could learn from your experience. Anything more you would be comfortable sharing about it?

Sure, what questions do you have? My biggest thing would be how we constantly have to tell people "Yes we love each other, no we're not an item, no we're not f***ing."

"Oh so really good friends then? That's cute." 

"Yeah sure lets go with that."

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5 hours ago, cutiepastels said:

also sex once a week or once a month

Doesn't sound very ace to me. But to each their own. :)

 

My ideal would be more like a friendship, with some physical intimacy (more just hugs and cuddles, back scratches and things like facial caresses; but no kissing or "foreplay" kind of stuff). I can't even imagine a relationship where we're not really good friends (best friends would be good) and enjoy each other's company, having fun, being silly or serious, traveling together, hanging out together, sharing some hobbies or interests. Much of what others above have said (minus any kissing or the like). :) 

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Guest Talgo
25 minutes ago, daveb said:

Doesn't sound very ace to me. But to each their own. :)

To be fair, they do have demi-sexual. I think, as ace, I could handle once a month. I would get anxiety a lot because of the idea that sex was going to be spontaneous. My ex would try to start coitus with me but if I wasn't into it, nothing would happen. Lots of Ace's have planned sex and they make it work.

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Just going by the thread title, ace relationships. :) 

(which raises the question, are demi-sexuals considered ace (which is short for asexual)?)

 

In any case, I said "to me", being asexual and not interested in sex at all. :P (also see my comment "to each their own") :) 

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All is well as long as I'm not in a romantic relationship.

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1 hour ago, daveb said:

 

Just going by the thread title, ace relationships. :) 

(which raises the question, are demi-sexuals considered ace (which is short for asexual)?)

 

I think we beat that one to death last week/early this week in my “is grey ace or sexual” thread.😂

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4 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I think we beat that one to death last week/early this week in my “is grey ace or sexual” thread.😂

I "missed" that thread. :P 

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RakshaTheCat

For that 'who really is an ace' debate, I think we can be inclusive and just say 'if you have no problem living without sex in a relationship, then sure, you are an ace'.

 

6 hours ago, Celyn said:

Sure, what questions do you have? My biggest thing would be how we constantly have to tell people "Yes we love each other, no we're not an item, no we're not f***ing."

"Oh so really good friends then? That's cute." 

"Yeah sure lets go with that."

Do you live with each other or plan to? What kind of plans together do you have?

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Hayis4horses
33 minutes ago, Marcin said:

For that 'who really is an ace' debate, I think we can be inclusive and just say 'if you have no problem living without sex in a relationship, then sure, you are an ace'.

I'm pretty sure 'who is really ace' is someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction. That's the definition. 🤔

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