Question for people who realized they were asexual while in a relationship

[momo_coco]

I am currently in a relationship and trying to figure out if/where I am on the asexuality spectrum since sex has been causing a lot of friction in the relationship. I think at the beginning of the relationship, I enjoyed sex a bit more as it was a novelty (I was a virgin before we started having sex), but now I only feel this pressure to reciprocate my partner's enjoyment in sex (which is becoming increasingly difficult).

 

Although it's probably morbid curiosity, I wanted to ask any aces out there who discovered their asexuality while in a relationship what their experiences were like and how those relationships turned out.

 

mo

[Telecaster68]

You might want to read some threads on the Partners and Allies section too, as most of the sexual partners on there were in relationships where the asexual partner only realised their orientation well into the relationship.

[OldSoul]

Right before, and I did not have a good grasp. 
It did not end well. 
Some people take "asexual" as a challenge, I think. 

[bring_back_eiffel_65]

I'm actually going through that right now!

 

I definitely had more of an "interest" in sex earlier on in the relationship. A lot of it was tied to social expectations - Shouldn't we be crazy for each other? Shouldn't I want it all the time since it's so new and exciting? Shouldn't I be trying to please them and show them that I'm worthy of a long term relationship? And now, five years in... Oof, it's gotten a bit old at this point. Don't get me wrong - I love and appreciate my partner, but I'd so much rather spend the night doing the Netflix and Cuddle than Netflix and Chill.

 

It was so recently that I discovered asexuality and the entire spectrum that it comes with that I haven't had the chance to have the conversation with my partner. That is going to happen this weekend (wish me luck) and I can definitely let you know how it goes.

 

If I could offer any advice... Even the idea of having this conversation with my partner has been a weight off my shoulders. And I imagine it will be on their end too.

 

Give it a shot and have the conversation. You'll never know until you do.

[Sally]

I discovered there was a thing called asexality decades into a relationship.  I'd before thought that if I kept trying, I'd eventually "learn" to enjoy it (that never happened).  I immediately told my partner, and we stopped having sex.  It took about a year for him to realize that I'd been doing it for years to please him, and that I hadn't lied to him, and that I didn't know what was going on with me, and and and etc.etc.etc.  Finally we came to a good understanding and we are still partners with no sex.  It's easier because we're fairly old now.  It likely wouldn't have worked out if we'd been much younger.  

[Tunhope]

very similar to @Sally's experience.  I'm still married to the same man after  many years so it can work. I hope things go well  at the weekend @bring_back_eiffel_65. 

[Nima]

Hi everybody. 

A few weeks later, I was just wondering, how did those conversations go, @momo_coco and @bring_back_eiffel_65 ?

I'm in a similar type situation . 

 

On 7/13/2018 at 6:03 AM, bring_back_eiffel_65 said:

I'd so much rather spend the night doing the Netflix and Cuddle than Netflix and Chill.

 

Im glad I now get the just of that. My son just recently informed me, that "Netflix and chill" involved a bit more than actual "chillin'", which I just assumed it meant. And HE is supposed to be the diagnosed Aspie in the family 😅 yeah, that one saved me from great misinterpretation!

 

[SilentRose]

I was only a few weeks into my first relationship when I realized I was ace. The first time I did anything sexual I was so excited to finally be "normal" and to not be a "virgin" anymore that I didn't even think whether I actually enjoyed it or not, but soon I found myself getting bored while kissing, finding excuses not to meet up, the works. I started googling and it really struck me that other people wanted to have sex because they wanted to have sex, not just to reach a milestone and feel normal like I did. At the time I was terrified at the thought of being asexual and possibly aromantic so I tried to force myself to stay in the relationship, assuming at some point maybe I'd like it. But one night, I was walking to his place in near tears, and I just thought to myself, I can't do this. I turned around, texted him I didn't feel well, and the next day I ended things....and it was a huge weight off my shoulders. I felt nothing but relief. I remember that night I got dinner with a friend and then came home to watch Netflix and remember thinking how infinitely more happy I was, and that I would never force myself to have sex again. 

 

Anyway, that's my story

 

[MrDane]

On 7/11/2018 at 9:40 AM, momo_coco said:

I am currently in a relationship and trying to figure out if/where I am on the asexuality spectrum since sex has been causing a lot of friction in the relationship. I think at the beginning of the relationship, I enjoyed sex a bit more as it was a novelty (I was a virgin before we started having sex), but now I only feel this pressure to reciprocate my partner's enjoyment in sex (which is becoming increasingly difficult).

 

Although it's probably morbid curiosity, I wanted to ask any aces out there who discovered their asexuality while in a relationship what their experiences were like and how those relationships turned out.

 

mo

Hi @momo_coco

sexual here, with partner who realized the ‘aceness’ along the way. It is not an easy situation. I think you should tell your partner how you feel. It is part of being honest and open to risk hurting each other. I used a ton of energy, directed at wrong things until I knew. Mostly I blamed myself for not being good enough. When she ‘came out’, I was given a chance to realize how things actually were and deal with it. Saying to a sexual, “look I never really enjoyed sex that much. I have never felt the warm, heartfelt desire to be with you in a sexual way. Sex is not that interesting. And less now than at first. I think you do the rigth stuff, but it doesnt really do much for me. I have difficulty with showing you that I enjoy, as I sometimes really dont” is not an easy pill to swallow. Tread carefully. Choose your words. Dont wait to long. There is a fine line between ‘keeping important information away’ and ‘lying’ and ‘playing along for the sake of the partner’. 

 

For me, it has worked (better) to put things in a schedule. I get my datenigths. For her this keeps stress away and she knows that I know how her range is from “not okay to awkward to okay/nice”. How and how much she is okay with participating in, is always up to her. It is important to tap in, once in a while and ask her about the arrangement. It is important for me to know if anything changes or she realizes that something are to much.